The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.James Branch Cabell
- Hey, you know the most interesting thing about smoking is that it causes excessive perspiration, and a person has to take off all of their clothes, or they could drown to death in their own juices.
- Oh, Jesus Christ! Lucifer's a faggot!
- My achin' swastika! I thought bein' a nazi was all "zig, zig," and "sieg heil!" This is for shit! I better get my ass the fuck out of here!
- U.S. Army Sergeant: How do these people expect to win a war when they're in a goddamn uniform?
- Fritz' Old Lady: Remember when I told you that you should be a contestant on "Let's Make A Deal"? Well, dress up like a frog, and wear a yarmulke, 'cause I think the host likes Jewish people!
- Fritz's Old Lady: You're a no-good, Fritz! Whaddya have to say fer yerself?
- Fritz: Suck my dick!!!
- Fritz: Ah, freedom of the pass.
- Crow Reporter: Hey, Fritz Baby, Wanna talk to Walter?
- Fritz: Sure, why not?
- Walter: Fritz…does being the first to set foot on Mars—golly—kind of give you goose bumps?
- Fritz: Ahem. Gentlemen, I've been up and down the four corners of this big old world, and I've seen it all, and I've done it all. I've fought many a good man and laid many a good woman. And I've had riches, fame, and adventure, too. Yes. I've stood eyeball-to-eyeball with death countless times and never, never once squinted. Oh, I've tasted life to the fullest, and still my tortured soul cries out - more! More! Oh, shit! Oh, oh, God, can there be any more?
- Crow Reporter: How do it feel, Fritz? I mean, man, like Mars ain't around the corner.
- Fritz: Oh you're so right. Hey, would you like to discuss this in private? Gee, you got a lovely pair of eyes.
- Crow Reporter: In private?
- Fritz: Mm-hmm. Yeah, sure. Listen, doll, I'd kind of like to give you a break. You know, kind of help pay back for what my people did to your people.
- Crow Reporter: Yeah? What kind of a break?
- Fritz: Well you know, an exclusive—an inside story.
- I've come a long way, baby!