The Producers (1968 film)

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The Producers is a 1968 film about producers Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom who make money by producing a sure-fire flop.

Written and directed by Mel Brooks
Hollywood Never Faced a Zanier Zero Hour!

Max Bialystock

  • That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!
  • [Searching for the sure-fire flop] "Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach." Nah, it's too good.
  • Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation.
  • Max Bialystock is launching himself into little old lady land.
  • Thank you, I knew I could con you.
  • That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.
  • You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title!
  • You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!
  • I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure!
  • Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!
  • Oooooooh, I WANT THAT MONEY!
  • This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now, LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt!
  • How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?
  • I used to have thousands of investors wanting to put their money in a Max Bialystock production! These are my investors now! [shows pictures of little old women] Little old women who want one last thrill of life of their way to the cemetery.
  • Leo, he who hesitates is poor!
  • Money is honey! Money is honey!
  • [reading post-show telegrams] "Congratulations! Hitler will run forever."
  • [smiling at Leo to calm him down] Well you know what they say, 'smile and the world smiles with you.' [Aside] This man should be in a straight-jacket.
  • Sing it out, men! Higher, you animals, higher! We open in Leavenworth Saturday night!

Leo Bloom

  • I'm in pain and I'm wet and I'm still hysterical!
  • Ooh, I fell on my keys...
  • [reading the title of the play for the first time] "Springtime for Hitler" a gay romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden... Wow...
  • [to Max] I'm sorry I called you "Fat, fat, fat".
  • I'm a nothing. I spend my life counting other people's money. People I'm smarter than. Better than! I want... I want... I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!

Franz Liebkind

  • I am the author. You are the audience. I outrank you!
  • Not many people know it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.
  • Hitler... there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in ONE afternoon! TWO coats!
  • Gentlemen. Ve have here a technical problem. Hmm? I do not know if vat ve have here is ze quick fuse or ze slow fuse. Ja, ja, I must find zis out. [snips dynamite fuse] Zis is critical. [lights fuse with match] Ha ha ha, ja ja, you see zis? You see zis here vat I have told you? Yeah, zis is an example of smartness here. I have said that zis is ze quick fuse. Huh? And zis IS ze quick fuse.
  • Der Führer does not say, "Achtung, baby."
  • Baby! Baby!... Why does he say this "baby"? The Führer has never said "baby". I did not write, "baby". What is it with this, "baby"?
  • [holding a gun to his head] Soon, I shall be with mein Führer... and Himmler. I'm coming to join you boys! [he pulls the trigger - it's out of bullets. Deeply disgusted:] Boy, when things go wrong...!

Lorenzo St. DuBois

  • Lorenzo, baby. Lorenzo St. DuBois. But my friends call me L.S.D.
  • [singing] And I give a flower to the big fat cop
    He takes his club and he beats me up
    I give a flower to the garbage man
    He stuffs my girl in the garbage can
    And I give it to the landlord when the rent comes 'round
    He throws it in the toilet and he flush it down
    It goes into the sewer
    With the yuck runnin' through 'er
    And it runs into the river that we drink
    Hey, world, YOU STINK!
  • [after Goebbels throws a reefer into a vase, and a large explosion occurs] They try; man, how they try!
  • [singing] One and one's two
    Two and two's four
    I feel so bad 'cause I'm losin' the war!
  • I lieb ya, baby, I lieb ya, I lieb ya! Now lieb me alone!

Roger De Bris

  • Wait!! This is a decision that could effect my entire life! I shall have to think about it. [Pauses for one second] I'll do it.
  • Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings? We are only seeing singing Hitlers.
  • I'm supposed to be the grand Duchess Anastasia... but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie!


  • Singers: Springtime for Hitler and Germany
    Winter for Poland and France
  • Singers: Don't be stupid! Be a smartie!
    Come and join the Nazi Party! (Actually sung by Mel Brooks)
  • Hold me, Touch me: [locking the door to Max's office] Let's fool around.
  • Old Lady in Audience: [Before turning to leave the theater] Well! Talk about bad taste!


The Landlord: 'He who signs the lease must pay rent.That's the law.
Max: Murderer! Thief! How dare you take the last penny out of a poor man's pocket?
The Landlord: I have to. I'm a landlord.
Max: [looking up] Oh, Lord, hear my plea. Destroy him; he maketh a blight on the land!
The Landlord: [looking up] Don't listen to him; he's crazy.

Leo: Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.
Max: Assume away.

Max: Here's to failure
Leo: ...To failure
Drunk: Why, thank you! You're very kind!

Drunk: Eternally grateful... A TOAST!
Leo: A TOAST... to what?
Drunk: To... to toast, I love toast.
Max: To toast.
Leo: To toast.

Leo: Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
Max: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?

Max: It's practically a love letter to Hitler!
Leo: This won't run a week.
Max: A week?! Are you nuts? This play's gotta close on Page 4.

Concierge: Who d'ya want?
Leo: I beg your pardon?
Concierge: Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "consy-urge". My husband used to be the "consy-urge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "consy-urge".
Max: We are seeking Franz Liebkind.
Concierge: Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23.
Max: Thank you...
Concierge: ...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift?
Leo: We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam.
Concierge: I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "consy-urge"!

Roger De Bris: Ah, Bialystock and Bloom, I presume! Heh heh, forgive the pun!
Leo: [to Max] What pun?
Max: Shut up, he thinks he's witty.

Max: Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris: [emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress] Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work.
Leo: [under his breath] Max... he's wearing a dress.
Max: No kidding.
Roger De Bris: Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume.
Carmen Ghia: And we always win!
Roger De Bris: I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom?
Leo: Where do you keep your wallet?

Roger De Bris: What have you done, L.S.D.?
Lorenzo St. DuBois: About six months... but I'm on probation, so it's all good, baby!
Roger De Bris: No, I mean, what do you do best?
Lorenzo St. DuBois: I can't do that here. That's why they put me away, baby!

Ulla: Goddag på dig!
Leo: Uh, I beg your pardon?
Ulla: Goddag på dig!
Leo: Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say?
Max: They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!"

Lorenzo St. Dubois: Love, love power.
I'm talking 'bout love power
The power of a little flower.
You don't think 'bout no little flowers,
Oh no, all you think about is guns.
If everybody in the world today had a flower instead of a gun,
There would be no wars. There would be one big smell-in.
Just the flowers. Hey, man, a flower.
A flower. What you do to my flower, man?
You hurt it, like everything else.
Everything else. Flowers.
[pulls out a banana, peels it, breaks it in half, throws it away, and then sits in a corner sucking on his thumb]
Max: That's our Hitler!

Hold me, Touch me: Hold me! Touch me!
Max: [pulling her into his office] Not in the hall!

Leo: [after walking in on Max romancing Hold me, Touch me]
Leo: Oh my God!
Max: You mean "oops", don't you? Just say "oops" and get out!
Leo: Ahahahahahahahaha...
Max: Not "ahahahahahahah!" Oops!
Leo: Oops! [slams the door]

Hold me, Touch me: Oh, hold me! Touch me!
Max: Thursday! Thursday!

Hold me, Touch me: And after that, we'll play, "The Abduction and the Cruel Rape of Lucretia", and I'll be Lucretia.
Max: And I'll be Rape!

Hold me, Touch me: I heard the Count fired you this morning - watch the road, watch the road.
Max: [stops making car noises] Oh, Countess, I can't take my eyes off you! How can I drive when you drive me mad? Mad! [continues making car noises]
Hold me, Touch me: Oh, Rudolpho, you dirty pig! Pull over.

Goebbels: Danke schön, mein Führer.
Lorenzo St. DuBois: Hey, you're a German.
Goebbels: We're all Germans.
Lorenzo St. DuBois: That's right. [gasps] That means we CANNOT invade Germany.

[Franz Liebkind runs backstage to try to stop the play]
Stagehand: Hey, what can I do for you?
Franz Liebkind: You will please be unconscious. [hits him on the head]

Franz: I know who did zis! It vas that LSD!
Max: [hands Franz a bunch of dollar bills] Go, Franz! Buy bullets!

Max: Kill the actors!
Franz: Kill the actors? I can't kill the actors. I must destroy the actors.

Max: Ulla! Go get car!
Ulla: Ja, ja! We go to motel?
Max: No. I go with Mr. Bloom.
Ulla: You and Mr. Bloom go to motel?
Max: No! No Motel! Get Car! Get Car!
Ulla: Get car!


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