The Thin Blue Line (TV series)

From Quotes
Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.
Denis Waitley
Jump to: navigation, search

The Thin Blue Line is a British sitcom television series starring Rowan Atkinson, set in a police station that lasted for two series from 1995 to 1996. It was written by Ben Elton.

Series One

Rag Week

Fowler: I've always attempted to keep a mature outlook, but I cannot deny there have been lapses; I once possessed a whoopie cushion - I never deployed it, of course, but the capacity was still there.

Grim: [frustrated by the level of offenders taken that night] Just once in a while, I'd like to nick someone who's balls have dropped.

[Kray is flirting with a female college student who wears an ape mask, while waiting for processing at the police station]
Kray: If I'm not at the nick, you can call me on my mobile. I'll give you a banana. [passes her his card]

Fowler: Did you know that twelve-year-olds, in Holland and Belgium, can already speak fluent English?
Goody: They're no cleverer than British children, sir. My niece is only ten, and she can speak fluent English.

Fowler: [berating Goody] Your head is just something you keep your hat on, isn't it?

The Queen's Birthday Present

Fowler: [loftily, at the end of a team meeting] In the grand order of life, there are but two forces: those of order, and those of chaos. And between them there lies us - the thin blue line.
Goody: So that's three forces, then?
Fowler: [caught off balance] Two forces... as I've explained - order and chaos...
Goody: And us, in the middle - the Police Force.

Fowler: [about to demonstrate a pickpocket's technique] I'd like to meet the man who can get inside my trousers.

Robbery Victim: "What's been taken?" My self-respect, my piece of mind, my sense of well-being...
Goody: Could you describe these items please, sir?

Dawkins: Name?
Drunken Man: Cawn't remember.
Dawkins: Mr R. Sole...

Fowler: Oh well, another evening spread out across out on the kitchen table, wrestling with my inner tube.

[Dawkins treats Fowler to breakfast-in-bed]
Fowler: Well, well, well, what's all this? Coffee? Toast...? Or at least, something which at some point had been toast.

Fowler: Scrambled egg, if I'm not mistaken!
Dawkins: You are. I'm afraid it's a waffle.

Fowler: I can never force much down in the morning anyway, perhaps except a cup of coffee.
Dawkins: Well, it's only instant.
Fowler: [takes a sip] ...In this case, instant gravy.

Goody: I don't want to buy the Queen a present, sir; she's an anti-christ.
Fowler: I beg your pardon!?
Goody: ...Oh no, I mean anarchist! ...No, no, what's that word that means out of date and doesn't matter anymore?

[At the Station]
Dawkins: Thank you, darling.
Fowler: Not "darling" - Inspector Darling.

Fowler: Thieving is thieving, and no amount of "oom-pah-pah" or "bum-titty-titty" will tell you that.

Gladstone: Firm! That's how I treated my wife - firm. One day I said to her, "If I feel like stopping out drinking, I will, and what's more, I expect my dinner on the table when I get home."
Goody: And she took notice of that, did she?
Gladstone: [slightly perplexed] I don't know, I never saw her again.

Night Shift

[Grim briefing his CID team about a supposed car-theft ring involving a local "Mr Big"]
Grim: ...Motors are being stolen in Gasforth... and transferred across the Channel.
Kray: Blimey... you'd need a decent underseal!

[About the term "joy-riding":]
Fowler: Crime is crime, and should not be trivialized. What next? Are we to refer to grievous bodily harm as "fun punching?" Assault with a deadly weapon as "laugh and a stab?"

[At the front desk, registering recent offenders]
Dawkins: Occupation?
Man: [sneeringly] Duckin', divin', dodgin', weavin'.
Dawkins: So I'll just put "total prat", shall I?

Grim: Obstructing CID in the course of an investigation, Fowler? That's a very serious offense. I have half a mind to charge you.
Fowler: You have half a mind - full stop.

[Whilst Fowler is reading in bed, Dawkins enters scantily clad]
Dawkins: I bought a new nightie today, Raymond.
Fowler: [distractedly] Uh-huh...
Dawkins: I couldn't resist it; it's so silky. It's called Satin Passion.
Fowler: Really...?
Dawkins: I know it's extravagant, but it was in the sale - 60 pounds.
Fowler: [suddenly alert; looks up] What!? Take it off, take it off, right now!
Dawkins: [excited that he is excited] Oh, do you really want me to!?
Fowler: I most certainly do; that's going straight back to the shop!

Dawkins: We are not the first, and we won't be the last, couple to have problems with our sex life.
Fowler: We do not have problems.
Dawkins: We do not have a sex life!
Fowler: In which case, I really don't see how there can be a problem with it.

Honey Trap

[about a supposed local criminal]
Grim: He's slippery. Like an owl.

Fowler: My bowels are in perfect working order. You could set your watch by them. I haven't missed an evacuation in twenty-five years of public service.

[Habib is dressed for the honey-trap and encounters Goody in the hallway; she presses up near him]
Habib: I love a man in a uniform... Oh, is that a truncheon in your pocket - or are you just pleased to see me? [mimes a kiss, walks away provocatively]
Goody: ...A-a-actually it's a Mars Bar.

Gladstone: I was captain of a pub-quiz side once, sir.
Fowler: Were you really?
Gladstone: Oh yes! I remember telling the lads before our first match, "Memory and detail; let those be our by-words. Memory, memory, memory, detail, detail, detail!"
Fowler: Well, excellent advice, Gladstone. And how did your team fare?
Gladstone: I don't know; I forgot where the pub was.

[Discussing the honey-trap's lack of success]
Kray: You showin' plenty of leg?
Habib: Excuse me! If this skirt were any shorter, it'd be a belt!

[Grim and Fowler, arguing over using Habib in CID]
Grim: We're not talking about an "entrapment operation" - just a bit of intelligence gathering. CID cannot operate without intelligence!
Fowler: Well, they've seemed to manage pretty well until now.

Fire and Terror

Goody: Nice boobs-- shoes, shoes! God, I didn't say that, did I? Did I say boobs, did I? Well, you haven't got nice boobs-- I mean you have! You have got nice... Oh god, sorry.

Habib: [tipsy, speaking to her fireman date] Are you not coming in for a coffee? I've got a packet of condoms-- I mean, biscuits.

Sick Man: I'm entitled to a lawyer and a bucket.

Kids Today

Fowler: The traditional truncheon is perfectly adequate. Personally, I've always felt more than satisfied with fourteen inches hanging down my trouser leg.

[Fowler is discussing how teenagers could use their spare time]
Fowler: Completing a model of the fourth bridge - that's what ecstasy is! It makes me sad to see these children today, with their drugs and sex and music, they'll never know the joy a young lad could have sitting alone in his room... With his tool in his hand... tightening his little nuts.

Gladstone: When I was a boy scout back in Trinidad, they taught us how to light a fire with a stick and a piece of string... I could never understand why, because I found it a lot easier to use matches.

[Dawkins hits Fowler over the head with the halibut they were to have for supper, knocking him to the floor]
Fowler: You should think yourself lucky that we're not laving a leg of lamb for supper tonight, or this whole incident could have been much more serrr-- [faints]

Yuletide Spirit

[The CID team are who are on headphones, using field team callsigns during an operation]
CID Agent 1: Alpha, Alpha, Bravo.
CID Agent 2: Wilco, Foxtrot, Delta.
Kray: Tango, Tango... Diet Lilt, and a Fanta.

Series Two

Court in the Act

Gladstone: I walked straight up to him. "Give me the knife, lad" I said.
Fowler: And did he?
Gladstone: Oh yes sir, he did... He stuck it in my shoulder.

Fowler: That used to be a decent little corner-shop, which sold string. Any day now, I expect to find my chocolate frog replaced by caramel private parts. Or a strawberry-flavored lesbian.

Ism Ism Ism

[Habib, describing an official who is unsupportive of immigrants in the UK]
Habib: I always try to be nice, sir, so I'll just say it rhymes with "trucking tanker."

Habib: Which came first: the chicken, or the egg?
Goody: I know, I know!
Fowler: Do you, Goody? Then what is the answer?
Goody: Because it wanted to get to the other side.

Grim: I don't like culture. Bleeding ballet an opera. Especially when they spend lottery money on it - wasting the working mans bet on fat screeching old bags from Italy singing like they've got piles. Or some bunch of scrawny bints in tutus called Tilda or Darcy flashing their gussets at a lot of horny perverts. Art? Culture? Staring at posh bird's knickers, that's all Swan bleeding Lake boils down to! We want to know we will be helping little kiddies, NOT haughty, hoity, stick it up your toity, high and mighty, tight nosed, toffee arsed, sun dried tomato eating lah-de-dah-dy lah-de-daas.

[Grim on a homosexual officer arriving to instruct the station on sensitivity]
Grim: It's all part of this creepy, crawly, poncy, namby, stick it up your pansy, pardon me for being a fascist, but I don't happen to have time to discuss interior design, quiche recipes and Kylie Minogue hits with Constable Whoopsie!

[Grim has just stated that should he and his wife ever win the lottery they would "help kiddies with incurable diseases"]
Fowler: Let us hope that some of the lottery money goes to aiding the incurably insane... In which case you'll get your money back.

[Fowler, pretending to be a Martian in an anti-racism, anti-sexism exercise, responds to an objection]
Fowler: This Martian is asexual!
Goody: [enthusiastically] A sexual machine if you ask me!

Innocent Suspect (a Frenchman): You British... No wonder we all hate you. Your chocolate isn't chocolaty enough. Your bananas are too long and bendy. You insist on eating prawn-cocktail crisps, despite the fact we have told you not to.

Fly on the Wall

[Goody is on the radio at a stake-out, talking nervously whilst being filmed for a BBC documentary]
Goody: Right. Standing to one side now. Purpose: to avoid scaring silly old sod to death if not pop-clogs already. [gets flustered] Tango... Er, Gamma. Angels one-five, bandits at six o'clock - dive, dive, dive!
Fowler: Shut up, Goody!

Alternative Culture

Fowler: When I was an adolescent, my idea of a major sensory stimulant was sucking on a fisherman's friend.

Come on You Blues

Fowler: Play up, play up, and play in the game! Kipling once said "that if you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat them just the same then you will be a man." Of course these days you'd have to say "person" which doesn't even scan. But nobody thinks about those things anymore.

[At a meeting, discussing the Metropolitan Police]
Fowler: ...we won't have any of that London police behaviour round here...
Grim: [walking in, speaking with Cockney accent] All right you lot, shut it! ...S'trewth! Fowler my son, things are looking pear-shaped round here or what? The guvnor's talking. Saturday's game. Very dodgy, very naughty, could go a bit pear-shaped, you know what I mean. These faces are a little bit hard, a little bit "Oof, have some of that, my son" Bosh. Sorted. Tata...

Dawkins: [telling Fowler that the domineering mayoress, Dame Cristobel, has arrived] The world's finest example of womanhood is at the front desk.
Gladstone: Gloria Hunniford!

Road Rage

The Green Eyed Monster

External Links