Titus

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Happiness is not a possession to be prized. It is a quality of thought, a state of mind.
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Titus (2000-2002) is a dark comedy based on the life of stand-up comedian Christopher Titus.

Season 1

Dad's Dead [1.1]

Titus: Hey, once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?

Titus: What do mean "dad is dead"?
Dave: I . . . think . . . dad is dead!
Titus: I have taken half a day off work. There better be a corpse! I mean ... what makes you think he's dead?
Dave: He's been in his room for four days now.
Titus: Right, and?
Dave: Without getting a beer.
Titus: Oh, my God.

Titus: My father never missed a drink, or a joint, or a party or a chance to get laid in his life. But he also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment.

Titus: This is a man who's been divorced five times. And the women cleaned him out every time. At one point in my life all we had was a wooden box, a twelve-inch black and white tv, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch.

Titus: I mean, it'd be nice to see what we got. Kinda like Christmas, except dad's not drunk.
Dave: And no cops.

Titus: 'Cuz all anybody wants is a normal life and a cool car. Most people settle for the car.

Tommy: He's not dead.
Erin: Thank God! Thank God, right?

Erin: We have a secret will and a newly dead guy?
[pause]
Erin: All right, a train leaves Chicago going
Titus I got it, I got it!
Dave: Why would dad go to Chicago?
Titus: Dave. Dad killed himself.

Titus: Tommy, a viewing is an excellent idea. You go first.
[pause]
Tommy: He's still in there? Oh, my God! No, I think having the body removed is a BIG death "do"! I don't want to see Mr. Titus like that. He was like a father to me!
Titus: Yeah, he was "like" a father to all of us.

Sex With Pudding [1.2]

Titus: Dave's my brother. I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory.

Titus: Erin's office. Inflammable. Non-flammable. You gotta be a dictionary to know what burns.

Erin: Your heart's in the right place, sweetheart. It's just not connected to your head.

Dave Moves Out [1.3]

Titus: Uh, excuse me. Christopher Titus. My brother's been arrested.
Cop: Who's your brother?
Titus: You must be new here.

Titus: All he does is mess with people's minds!
Ken: You're right, I do.
Titus: See, you're doing it right now!
Ken: [slyly] No, I'm not.
Titus: Yes, you are!
Ken: All right, I am.
Titus: Stop it!

[after Christopher nonverbally communicates to Erin that he was thrown in jail by Ken]
Ken: [off Erin's stony stare] He's lying.

The Breakup [1.4]

Titus: Normal people can live with happiness. Screwed up people will try to destroy it.

Titus: The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies, and has the power to lift you up or rip out your guts. It's even scarier if she knows your truths.

Titus Integritous [1.5]

Titus: I'm doing the right thing. I'm integritous.
Tommy: "Integritous"?
Titus: It's a word.

Red Asphalt [1.6]

Titus: A Glock-9 holds seventeen bullets. Is that what we've come to? I piss you off in traffic you need seventeen bullets to kill me?

[Thinking they are going to die, Titus, Erin, Dave, and Tommy are voicing their regrets in life]
Erin: I never got to see Ireland.
Titus: Honey, you never got to see San Diego.
Erin: [with dry sarcasm] Thanks, honey.

Tommy: I never got to sleep with Erin.
Titus: What??
Tommy: I have thoughts.
Titus: Should have taken that one to the grave!

Mom's Not Nuts [1.7]

Erin: Christopher, it's your mother. Shouldn't you put down the bat?
Titus: Uh, uh!

Titus: My dad is a negative, judgmental pain in the ass who destroyed my self-esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom's a violent, paranoid schizophrenic. God, I love my dad.

Titus: Alright, I love my mom. Without her I don't exist. Without her I wouldn't be able to protect myself. Without her, in four states, it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine.

Titus: Lucky for Dad, before mom caught him, the the cops caught mom. Of course, nobody was there to catch the cop.

Ken Titus: I hear Looney Tunes made dinner.
[pause]
Ken Titus: I'm surprised. Usually, the turkey is saying such threatening things to her, she can't get close enough to cook it.

Intervention [1.8]

Titus: We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Water-skiing, funerals, parent-teacher conferences, intensive care.

Titus: Dad was Tommy's first drinking buddy. He was like a son to Dad. The lucky son that didn't live with Dad.

Titus: We think you have a problem. It's about your drinking.
Ken: But I haven't had a drink in a month.
Titus: Dad, we'd like you to start again.

[Ken, having started drinking again, reveals a dream Tommy had about Titus, in which Titus was naked]
Tommy: The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of of the dream!
Titus: [disgusted] There was a plot?
Tommy: You were a pirate.
[Titus moans in disgust]

Tommmy: You told your mother? My God, what must she think of me?
Titus: Worry about what I think of you.

Episode 11 [1.9]

Season 2

Titus is Dead [2.1]

Ken: You should've been fetal research!!

[Ken Titus is recovering from a heart attack.]
Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
Titus: He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!

The Test [2.2]

Dave: Here's your sperm, and the wheelbarrow's in the tree.

Titus: Dave, wake up. We've got to get our blood tested.
Dave: Is there something wrong with my sperm?
[Titus glares at Dave]
Titus: I'm sure of it.

The Surprise Party [2.3]

Titus: Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise". Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party.

Titus: In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake, and a party. In my family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment, and destruction of private property.

Tommy: Well, another party I wasn't invited to. How awkward.

Dave: Taco night is a tasty corn shell full of lies!!

What's Up Hollywood? [2.4]

Titus: My dad gave me compliments. Well, not compliments, more like sentences that don't make you cry.

Ken: You're being too hard on yourself, son.
Titus: [shocked] "Son"?
Tommy: [confused] "Too hard on yourself"?
Dave: "Being"?

Ken: Shut up, I'm talking to my moron!
Titus: "Moron"?
Tommy: "Shut up"?
Dave: "I'm"?

Titus: Dad has found a new way to screw with me. He told me he was "proud" of me.
Erin: Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!
Dave: He got to her!
Titus: Dave, she likes me.
Dave: [slyly] Oh, right.

Locking Up Mom [2.5]

Titus: There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fueled their brilliance. They weren't locked up for it like my mom. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.

Erin: Christopher, do you think we're doing the right thing? This place is like a prison.
Titus: Well, mom is like a criminal.

Erin: She passed all the tests. Maybe she should be released.
Titus: She passed the tests because they didn't ask, "Upon release, will you kill your family?"

Titus: Excuse me, why is a violent, manic-depressive schizophrenic running the front desk?
Dr. Phine: Because she's so darn good at it!

[The hospital doctors want to begin Juanita's hearing without Ken]
Juanita: He's probably stuck in traffic.
Titus: [accusingly] Or in a mason jar.
Dave: Or something you put JAM in!
[Titus stares at Dave]
Titus: Like a mason jar.

The Perfect Thanksgiving [2.6]

Tommy's Girlfriend [2.7]

Dave: Here's what you do. You give her a fish, with a note attached that says "Life stinks without you." You stuff it with chick stuff like little soaps. But erotically shaped little soaps. Otherwise she might think it's a let's be friends fish.

[Tommy has misinterpreted Titus' instructions about running into an ex-girlfriend]
Tommy: You said make it look like an accident!
Titus: [incredulous] Not a CAR accident! Who are you? Dave?
Dave: Yeah, dumbass.

Carol: You loved me so much you smothered me. And no one waits outside a gynecologist's office with flowers and a card!

The Reconciliation [2.8]

Titus: Recently we had a real mother/son reunion. I gave her a big hug. 'Cuz I love her. And she might've taped a gun to her back.

Erin: Don't think of it as ... two trains about to collide in a fiery ball of burning human flesh. Think of it as ... family night.
Titus: Family night. Hmm, then we get to have funeral day.

Erin: Your mother's on antipsychotics. Your father has the heart of a 150 year old man. You have a chance at a good two-parent memory.
Titus: Are you gonna get the blood out of the couch?
Erin: The couch, the ceiling. I will be in charge of all blood removal.
Titus: Just the couch and the ceiling. You are so naive!

Ken: Choose. Who do you want in your life, her or me?
Titus: I don't have to choose between you. I'm not 5 ... 7, 12, or 16 anymore.

Last Noelle [2.9]

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! [2.10]

When I Say Jump [2.11]

Titus: Normal people see a bridge spanning a 1500 foot gorge and think, "What a beautiful architectural achievement. Screwed up people see the same bridge and think, "Oh, I gotta jump off of that!" With a parachute. I'm not an idiot.

Erin: Christopher, you know how some girls have dreams about being beauty queens, or astronauts, or doctors?
Titus: No.
Erin: My dream was always to be the only girl in my family ... to never get arrested.

Episode 27 [2.12]

Titus: There are certain lines you don't cross, because it changes the nature of the relationship. Screwed up people aren't aware of these lines.

Titus: A salamander can lose its tail and grow a new one in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

Titus: My father never chooses me for anything, unless he needs a human shield.

[Titus is showing Kathy the video of Ken's drunk driving arrest]
Titus: Has anyone ever seen a cop that pissed off?
[Dave proudly raises his hand]
Titus: [knowing Dave is the only one with his hand raised] Besides Dave?

The Smell of Succes [2.13]

Deprogramming Erin [2.14]

NASCAR [2.15]

Life Forward [2.16]

Gift of the Car Guy [2.17]

Tommy's Girlfriend II [2.18]

Hard Ass [2.19]

Private Dave [2.20]

Titus: Dave, thank God, you're not dead!
Dave: Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.
Titus: I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!

Dave: Killing yourself is stupid. I joined the army. Now I can kill other people and they'll send me to college!

Dave: The army is gonna be awesome! My recruiter said I might go to Australia. I could make the army surf team!

Titus: Sometimes to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.

[after Dave is unable to get out of the Army]
Dave: Titus, I'd like to kill myself again. May I please have my suicide note back?

[after throwing Titus through a window]
Sgt. Gordon: Maybe you should join the Air Force, now that you know how to fly.

Three Strikes [2.21]

Dave: Lord, if you let me live, I'll never watch "The Sound of Music" in that way ever again.

Michael: Look, I may be a criminal but I'm not a liar. Ok, I'm a liar, but not right now.

Michael: This will be my third strike.
Erin: He'll go to prison for the rest of his life!
Titus: Get to the bad part!

[Titus is trying to get Erin's brother Michael to admit he robbed the Titus' house]
Titus: I hear in prison, they make you read books.

Titus: Honey, Michael would have robbed us eventually, had he thought of it.

Cop: We found this guy outside, hiding in a bush.
Dave: Please tell they didn't find my secret stash of weed!
Titus: Dave!
Dave: [realizing] I mean my secret stash of ... pot.

The Pit [2.22]

The Pendulum [2.23]

The Wedding [2.24]

Titus: Where's my tux?
Tommy: Somebody's bringing it.
Titus: "Somebody" who?
Tommy: Nobody. Dave.
Titus: No!

  • [Titus' mother has shown up at his wedding]
Tommy: Oh, good. Your mother checks her messages!
Titus: She also checks under her bed for dust bunnies because they talk to her!

Bill: Where is all of this anger coming from?
Titus: Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!

Season 3

Racing in the Streets [3.1]

  • [after Titus is called "whitey"]
Titus: All right, we're on for a thousand. Presuming I'm whitey.
Dave: I thought I was whitey!
Titus: Dave!
[Titus slaps Dave's head]
Castro: Oh, you're whitey, esse.
David: I thought I was esse!
Castro: David!
[Castro slaps David's head]

Ken: What's your hurry? Your fifteen kids will still be waiting for you when you get home.
Castro: [sarcastically] Si, senor. But first I have to go feed the donkey. Put on a big sombrero, and fall asleep underneath a tree.
[back to normal]
Castro: You racist Irish drunk.
[Castro and his team walk off]
Ken: [after a pause] Now that's my kind of Mexican!

Amy's Birthday [3.2]

Tommy's Not Gay [3.3]

Shannon's Song [3.4]

Grad School [3.5]

House Boat [3.6]

The Trial [3.7]

Grandma Titus [3.8]

Tommy: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
Tommy: I'm not gay.
Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.

Errr [3.9]

Tommy's Crush [3.10]

Into Thin Air [3.11]

[Hanging from a tree, Titus falls and gets caught in another tree.]
Dave: That's justice, Titus! Tree justice, the mighty oak strikes back!
[Titus looks around at his surroundings.]
Titus: It's a spruce!

Too Damn Good [3.12]

Bachelor Pary [3.13]

Hot Streak [3.14]

The Session [3.15]

Same Courtesy [3.16]

After Mrs. Schafter [3.17]

The Visit [3.18]

Insanity Genetic(1) [3.19]

Titus: Do you know what my first thought was when I heard my mother killed herself?
Titus/Ken: Did she take anyone else out with her?

Insanity Genetic(2) [3.20]

[The FBI believes the Titus family to be a terrorist group.]
Erin: We can't plan a hijacking! Listen, we can't even plan a wedding.
[straight cut to Titus]
Titus: Oh, we planned the wedding. We didn't plan on my mom killing her husband at the wedding. That was Mom's idea. She didn't know what to get us.

The Protector [3.21]

[A boy at school has been harassing Erin's niece Amy.]
Titus: I hate bullies!
Tommy: You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!
Titus: What's your point?

Unidentified episode

Titus: Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.

Cast