Tommy Cooper

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Tommy Cooper (1921-03-191984-04-15) was a Welsh prop comedian and magician.

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  • Two Aerials meet on a roof — fall in love — get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
  • Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
  • "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
    "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "It's not unusual."
  • A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
  • A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
    "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
    "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
    "No, because he's really heavy."
  • Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
    "How's that?"
    "Don't you start."
  • Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom boom!
  • What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG.
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  • Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"
  • Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
  • Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
  • A man walked into the doctor's. The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied "I know. I've been ill."
  • A man walked into the doctor's. He said "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said "Well, don't go there any more."
  • I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
  • I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  • A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
    "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."
  • A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."
  • A woman tells her doctor, "I've got a bad back."
    The doctor says, "It's old age."
    The woman says, "I want a second opinion."
    The doctor says: "Okay - you're ugly as well."
  • And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, "Do you earn a living doing that?." He said, "Yes, this my livelihood."
  • I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
  • I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
  • I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, "Have you got frog's legs?" He said, "Yes." So I said, "Well, hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich."
  • I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
  • Last night I dreamt I ate a ten-pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
  • My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.
  • Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet — it was a marriage of convenience!
  • I went to the doctors the other day and said it hurts if I poke here, here and here. He said "I know what your problem is. You've broke your finger."
  • I'm on a whisky diet; I've lost three days already!

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