Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

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Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps is a comedy produced by the BBC.

Contents

Series One (2001)

Fags, Shags and Kebabs [1.1]

Donna: No, I'm fine with porn - what I'm not fine with is enough porn to keep the entire British forces from missing their girlfriends!

Janet: I got into his head. It's amazing what a bit of male psychological manipulation can do. And getting my baps out on the first date didn't do any harm either.

Spunk [1.2]

Donna: [to Gaz] There is to be no dumping. I just think you've got a nice body and I'd like to bounce around on top of it occasionally. None of this boyfriendy girlfriendy stuff.

Flo: Don't be late, I'm making take-away for tea!

Gaz: I'm laying down the seeds for my reign of power over Donna. See, the more I don't phone her the more desperate and insecure she becomes, soon she will surrender to my constant demand for sexual gratification.

Bone With the Wind [1.3]

Louise: I need to know if he fancies me, because quite frankly my late-night Sting fantasies are wearing a bit thin; it's always the same plot.

Gaz: Women don't cheat on me. I'm just so pretty.

Gaz: Why are we sitting here while our women are sucking the fat out of someone else's sausage?!

Angry Wangry [1.4]

Jonny: My brain is only strong enough to stop me from farting in front of you.

Flo: Your girlfriend's mother is the biggest taboo of all.

Lard [1.5]

Gaz: I need a sort of chunky woman, you know, who brings me sandwiches and puts Matey in me bath.

Jonny: You taste of lard!

Ugly Babies [1.6]

Jonny: I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.

Louise: You've never practiced safe sex in your life. You've picked up more dirt than a JCB in your time.

Louise: Don't you know how much babies cost? More than a Peugeot!

Gaz: We got our women pregnant at the same time. We've got telepathic testicles.

Jonny: My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari.

Series Two (2002)

On the Blob [2.1]

Gaz: [to Donna] I've never asked you this before and it seems a bit stupid since we've been shagging each other's brains out for the last month but… would you like to go for a drink sometime?

Flo: They may have a sneeze guard but it's no match for embryotic fluid!

Bungle [2.2]

Flo: You two should never talk. You've got one of them relationships based on lust and you must never lose that.

Dirty Girls [2.3]

Flo: Apparently it’s illegal to advertise yourself in phone boxes. Ask me why, I don’t know. British Telecom do it.

Janet: We have some spare va va voom in the kitchen if you want to borrow it.

Vomit [2.4]

Gaz: Donna, you look... beautiful; would you like to be my pop tart and live in my toaster of love?

Crusty Curtains [2.5]

Gaz: There's no such thing as a perfect couple. Well, except Chris Evans and Billie. Sat there getting pissed with an 18-year-old every day. How perfect is that?

Mo Mo and Pigsy [2.6]

Gaz: [motivating himself] You are Gaz Wilkinson. A beast of a man. You are strong. You are confident. You are Gaz Wilkinson. And girls want to touch you.

Series Three (2003)

Munch [3.1]

Gaz: [About Munch] He's a complete yoghurt!

Munch: I stole it, Munch Magic!

Jonny: Limp-wristed sexual innuendo that should have been marched to the gallows with the Carry On films.

Fish [3.2]

Gaz: I am your prince and I shall awaken you with my mighty sword.

Donna: You're scared of sheep?! That's stupid; they can't hurt you.
Gaz: That's what they want you to think!

Gaz: You didn't know I was afraid of sheep; I didn't know you were afraid of sex.

Jonny: I don't want to be standing by the alter with you an iron lung coughing blood and phlegm at me!

Louise: [sniffing the card her secret admirer sent her] Who do I know who smells of paper?

Kangaroo [3.3]

Jonny: She's a funny one is Janet, she'll do anything, things that even I find disgusting. She does things with a cucumber you wouldn't believe.
Gaz: Oh yeah, like what?
Jonny: This one time, I walked into the bedroon and she was lying on the bed with with cucumber slices on her eyes and mud on her face, she's pure dirt!

Jonny: I can do anything, like a panda.

Louise: I will neither play or be playant of the games and or gaming tactics employed by both sexes in accordance with the laws set by herself mother nature.

Beastiality [3.4]

Munch:They can't do you for it once you've robbed it. It's called Double Geoffrey.

Janet: You're gonna marry me with you like it or not and it's gonna be friggin' marvelous, okay?!
Jonny: You know, I think my proposal was better. Yours was just rude.

Hospikal [3.5]

Dresses Dresses Dresses [3.6]

Gaz: [to Donna, who is asleep] [In New York accent] Wake up and smell the caw-fee!
Donna: oh, Gaz, I was having the best dream ever then.
Gaz: Was it about me, the Sugababes and loads of coal?
Donna: No, I dreamt I was asleep.
Gaz: Yeah, And?
Donna: Yeah, that was it, I was asleep, and then this stupid monkey came in and said [in New York accent] "Wake up and smell the caw-fee!"

Louise: [to David, when he tells her to do some T'ai Chi with him] Ok, but don't expect me to join your cult.
David: ...it's not a cult.
Louise: That's what the Britannia Music Club said.

Jonny: [to Janet, about her excitement about her dress] You don't see me and Gaz jumping around going "ooh, Look at my fancy new pants! They cost me a month's wages and I'm never wearing them again, hooray!"

Jonny: Well, I know Gaz wouldn't pay a fortune for something that he could only use once and think it was great.
Janet: What about when he lost his virginity to Dirty Lil?
Jonny: That wasn't a month's wages, it was two cans of White Lightning.

Jonny: All I'm saying is if you pay a bomb for something, it needs to be used and used and used again until it breaks. Like Gareth Gates.

Jonny: Janet, look at me. I'm a lost and lonely man, And I'm all alone in a- sea of nothing, with, with like, nothingness all around me, like a big lonely tyre.
Janet: Look, here's twenty quid--
Jonny: [Snatching the note] --off you pop!

[Janet leaves, Jonny picks up the phone.]

Jonny: Gaz, pub!

[Transition shows Donna and Louise meet up]

Donna and Louise: Dresses, Dresses, Dresses!!!

[Transition then shows Gaz running out of his flat]

Gaz: Pub, Pub, Pub, Pub!

[Inside the Wedding dress shop, Louise enters in Janet's chosen wedding dress]

Donna: [Gasp] You look like a sweet!
Louise: ...a sweet what?
Donna: No, just a sweet, like a campino, or a truffle. Better than that, you look like a toilet roll cover!
Louise: Thank you!
Janet: That's a wedding dress...
Louise: Janet, we're in a wedding dress shop, what do you expect me to be wearing? The Turin Shroud?

Donna: Well, why don't we [Louise and Donna] try a dress on each for fun, and then you can dress us however you like, like Lobsters, or like Pig-women if need be.
Louise: I'm not dressing like pig-woman. She was my least favourite Spice Girl.

Donna: [Singing to the tune of the wedding march, holding Louise's dress train] Bah-rum-da-dah
Bah-rum-da-dah
Look at Louise in the lovely, lovely dress
Louise: You have to sing at the wedding now!
Donna: Oh, can I Janet?
Janet: Stop it.
Donna: There's more.

[Singing again]

Donna: Check out the dress
The dress is great
I think I should try one on... round about now

[Gaz is motivating Jonny to carry the large keg of "beer" as he can't carry it himself.]

Jonny: It's bloody heavy! Have you never carried 40 pints?
Gaz: Well, only in my bladder.
Jonny: You take it the rest of the way.
Gaz: I would but...
Jonny: But what?
Gaz: Well, I've...I've broke me arm [sic]

[Jonny looks at him skeptically]

Gaz: Well, it's not broke, it's...
Jonny: Well, use your other arm!
Gaz: No way!
Jonny: Why not?
Gaz: 'Cos it's the arm I use for pleasuring myself... and others.
Gaz: Hey, I'll coach you, eh? ... Come on!
Jonny: Christ. I'm only taking it as far as the garage.
Gaz: [Drill Sergeant Style] Carrying beer's what Jon does best, hoo! hoo!
His keg's bigger than all the rest...
Jonny: You twat.
Gaz: [resuming his Drill Sergeant's chant] He may or may not be wearing a vest...
Jonny: Oh, my God.
Gaz:And now I'm going to think of Jo Guest,
Jo Guest, one, two,
Big Breasts, Three-four!

[Janet is in the wedding shop, trying to preoccupy Louise and Donna so she can find her dress. She calls Donna and Louise over.]

[She shows Donna a tartan dress]

Donna: I didn't know you were Scottish.
Janet: Um... well, Jonny is. Or his Dad is. He is um... Jonny McCloud of the Clan McCloud...
Donna: Yeah, that was "Highlander".
Janet: Anyway, look, I thout it would be really nice for him to see his family's tartan on his wedding day, so, there you go!
Louise: But there's only one dress.
Janet: In that case, Louise, you can try this on.

[Janet shows Louise a vivid Green dress]

Louise: Um... but this isn't Tartan, we won't match.
Janet: No, no, that dress has been um... chosen to represent Jonny's love of... green stuff.
Donna: Yeah, but, um, Janet?
Janet: Yeah?
Donna: ...These dresses ming.

[Donna and Louise come out in their dresses.] ...

Donna: [reg. Janet] She's mad! What's her first dance going to be? "Agadoo?"
Louise: No, she'll choose something about Jonny, like "Johnny B Goode" or "Jilted John".
Donna: Ooh, that's clever!
Louise: ...Or "Jonny Put Your Shoes Back On, You're Making Me Retch."
Donna: No, I don't know that one.
Louise: It's the one I hum to myself whenever I see him.

Donna: Do you think we should tell Janet we hate the dresses?
Louise: Um... she's nearly broken me twice this year, merely by looking at me funny.
Donna: Looking at your what?

Bridal Woman: [Grabbing Janet in her dress around the waist and breasts] That dress is just womanliness gone mad!
Janet: Are you sure you're on commission, and not just coming onto me?
Bridal Woman: You are stunning...

[Gaz and Jonny have just opened a keg of "beer"]

Gaz: Look, blue beer! Maybe we're the first ones to see this, we've come across a secret formula
Jonny: ...It's barrel wash, Gaz.
Gaz: No it can't be..it's a new type of beer this Jon, woo-hoo.
Jonny: Well, go on then, drink it!
Gaz: Okay, I will!

[Gaz drinks the "blue beer" excitedly]

Gaz: It's absolutely delicious!
Jonny: Really, really is that beer? They must put the brown in afterwards!

[Jonny drinks the blue beer]

Jonny: [after a beat] ...It's barrel wash, Gaz.

Fockin Mokky Bokka [3.7]

Donna: [About the noisy scouser neighbours who kept them up all night] Four o'clock in the morning...
Gaz: I know...
Donna: And... then they start shagging.
Gaz: Yeah, You can't begrudge 'em that, it's every man's right.
Donna: Yeah, Gaz, it's every man's right to have sex, it's not everyone's right to go... [In high-pitched Liverpool accent] "BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY Oh, ta, that was sound, let's 'ave more Coke... BABY BABY BABY BABY..."

Jammy Dodgers [3.8]


Dump [3.9]


Schluballybub [3.10]


Musical Special (2003)

When Janet Met Jonny

[During the “Find My Casanova” song with Donna, Janet and Louise]

Donna: Hot pants from Tesco’s
All: mmm, mmm, mmm
Donna: That’s where we get our bestest clothes
All: yeah, yeah, yeah

Louise: I can get us in the place cause all the bouncers know my face.

[During the “We Need Some Slags” song with Gaz and Jonny]

Jonny: But I’m not comin’ out , I’m stayin’ here.

[Jonny pulls out a megaphone]

Jonny: And get really, wobbly on beer.

Gaz: Just try a little brute for men, oh no it all got drank.
Gaz: We all need a bosom, for a pillow or tit wank.

Jonny: I've no need for a woman , when I’ve got my left hand.
Jonny: Just a handy TUB of Vaseline and a picture of my gran.

Jonny: But I don’t want tarts. I want white lightning. there not my mummy. there rather frightening.

Jonny: I don’t need a girlfriend.
Gaz: Oh just come out and play.
Jonny: I’ll tell em that I’m too young.
Gaz: I’ll tell em that your gay
Jonny: ok ill come for one pint, but then I’ll go back home.
Gaz: nice one lad you wont regret it.
Jonny: but ill make sure I'm alone

[During the “Biscuit Rap” song with Jonny and Gaz]

Jonny: Cos you could keep any bitch like I'm a rich tea
Gaz: Which tea?
Jonny: I tell you I'm a Junkie a flunkie,
Cruising my ass with the orio,
Don't need a ho.
Got my Garibaldi, not Barlow he's gone now.
I need a Kit Kat,
When the rhymes fat,
With the beat I can't cheat,
Can a biscuit cheat like a mother,
HELL NO!
Gaz: But Johnny don't you know ohh oh

Gaz: Don't be fooled when you dip'em in your tea,
They're not, they're not gonna make you happy,

Jonny: I aint gonna go and have a roll in the hay,
No way, I'll have a fig roll,
You dig bro,
Don't wanna go out having fun,
I stay at one with the borbon,
A hob nob that's the only dog I'm dipping,
I ain't flippin, wanna cookie?
You be tripping.
The ho's say
'try my choc chip treats.'
That ain't sweet,
I ain't no piece of meat,
I want wafer,
You been away for a night,
With a she-dog,
You want a biscuit,
BUT DOG DONT GOT NONE NO!

Jonny: Can you see the philosophy,
Of the desire,
That these biscuits,
They can cause in me,
And my soul will ever be entwined,
With the hole left,
When a mother however fine,
Tries to share my life,
With my biccy time.

Jonny: I got my lovely, crunchy biscuits,
Hell I'll say it once more in case you missed it,
I ain't dunking no girl like a biscuit,
Never gonna change so don't try to twist it.

Series Four (2004)

Corinthian Dies [4.1]


Piggy Goes Oink [4.2]


My Delicious Guava [4.3]


Cuggles [4.4]


Purgatory [4.5]


Mate Date [4.6]


Homeless and Horny [4.7]


Filthy Brunching [4.8]


Series Five (2005)

Dead [5.1]


Nobbly Bobbly [5.2]


Shrink [5.3]


Ecuador [5.4]


Potato People [5.5]


Antlers [5.6]


Crab [5.7]


Fat [5.8]


Stot or Pronk [5.9]


Who’s the Daddy? Ian Coulter [5.10]


Bababababa [5.11]


God [5.12]


Love 83199 [5.13]


Near, Far [5.14]


Series Six (2006)

Speedycruise! [6.1]


Goblins [6.2]


Mummy Cupboard [6.3]


Cauliflower [6.4]


Shaving Ryans Privates[6.5]


Croppity Crops [6.6]


Finger Sniffing what where they up 2?[6.7]


War, Hurrgh! [6.8]

Louise: You must know all about prostitution, Donna, what with your mum being a whore.
Donna: My mum wasn't a whore, she just had sex with men...for...money...

Donna: I didn't apply to be the bar manager of Nazi Germany!

Inspector: We don't inspect brothels! [pause] More's the pity...

Louise: [to inspector] Hello, sailor! Fancy some fun? By fun I mean sex for money.

Inspector: So, Mrs Keogh, can you give me any reason that I shouldn't shut this place down?
[camera centres on Janet and the EastEnders theme tune plays]

Closing Time [6.9]

Janet: Don't shout at me.... in American!

Dion: [repeated line] Suck my fat, hairy cock!

Gaz: I'm not scared of the pigs....Just don't call the sheep, alright?

Donna: [ref. to Gaz] Oi, he's got balls!...they just don't work properly .....

When Janet Shagged Jonny [6.10]


Series 7

When Jonny Met Sharky [7.1]


Dabdaa! [7.2]


Homophobia is Gay [7.3]


Dead Jonny Talking [7.4]


Here Bums the Bride [7.5]


Six Months 2 Days 3 Hours And 29 Minuites 6.3 milliseconds Later [7.6]


African Death Face [7.7]


shes duin it again


Unsourced

Jonny: We're known as Gyppo Jonny and his Pikey wifey!

External links