Van Helsing

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There are chapters in every life which are seldom read and certainly not aloud.
Carol Shields
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Van Helsing is a 2004 action / horror film about demon hunter Van Helsing who must team up with the last Gypsy princess, Anna Valerioius, to kill Dracula and his brides.

Written and directed by Stephen Sommers.
The One Name They All Fear Taglines

Van Helsing

  • Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same — best when cooked well.
  • To have memories of those you have loved and lost is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all.
  • [About Frankenstein's monster] My life, my job, is to vanquish evil. I can... I can sense evil. This thing— man— whatever it is— evil may have created it, may have left its mark on it— but evil does not rule it. So I cannot kill it.
  • I'll save you! I swear to God!
  • [after cutting off Mr Hyde's arm] I'll bet that's upsetting.

Dracula

  • [To Dr. Frankenstein] A pity your moment of triumph is ruined over a little thing like grave robbery.
  • You can't kill me, Victor. I'm already dead.
  • Why can't they just leave us alone. We never kill more than our fill. And less than our share. Can they say the same?
  • I have no heart, I feel no love. Nor fear, nor joy, nor sorrow. I am hollow! And I will live... forever.
  • I'm at war with the world and every living soul in it!... But soon the final battle will begin.
  • [Clapping his hand like a heartbeat] I can tell the character of a man by the sound of his heartbeat. Usually when I approach... I can almost dance to the beat… Strange that yours is so steady.
  • Welcome to my summer place.
  • All I want is life, Gabriel. The continuation of my kind. And perhaps... [shows his hand, which Gabriel cut a finger from] the return of my ring.
  • It must be such a burden. Such a curse, to be the left hand of God.
  • Allow me to reintroduce my self. I am Count Vladislav Dracula. Born 1422. Murdered 1462.
  • Oh, and did I mention, Gabriel. It was you who murdered me?
  • Is this your silver stake?
  • Ladies and gentleman, I give to you, VAN HELSING!

Anna Valerious

  • I hope you have a heart, Aleera, because someday I'm going to drive a stake through it.
  • He's the first one to kill a vampire in over a hundred years. I'd say that's earned him a drink.
  • (to Aleera, who has been constantly saying she'll kill Anna and has just been stabbed by Anna) I think if you're going to kill somebody, kill them, don't stand around talking about it.

Carl

  • But I don't want to go to Transylvania!
  • The air around here is thick with envy...
  • Actually, I'm still just a friar, so I can curse all I want. Dammit!
  • (after Velkan in his werewolf form came in during a rainstorm) Why does it smell like wet dog in here?
  • Do we have a plan? I mean, it doesn't have to be Wellington's at Waterloo, but some kind of plan would be nice.
  • [To Frankenstein's monster] Where are you going to go? I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately, but you kind of stick out in a crowd.
  • How many commandments can we break in one day?
  • If there's one thing I've learned, it's never to be the first one to stick your hand in a viscous material.

Others

  • Cardinal Jinette: We have kept mankind safe since time immemorial, we are the last defense against evil. An evil that the rest of mankind has no idea even exists.
  • Verona: I can feel fresh blood rushing through her veins!
  • Frankenstein's monster: I am the key, to my father's machine. The key to life.
  • Aleera: Tch, tch, tch, so much trouble to my Master, so much trouble.
  • Aleera: You can't go until I say you can go. And I say you can go when you're dead!
  • Marishka: Too bad, so sad.
  • Mr. Hyde: [grabbing cord from grappling hook Van Helsing shot through him, then tried to pull him off the church with] My turn!
  • Mr. Hyde: [on top of church, grabs Van Helsing] I think you'll find the view here rather spectacular. [dangles Van Helsing from church roof, laughing maniacally]

Dialogue

Dr. Frankenstein: [about his Monster] I could never allow him to be used for such evil.
Dracula : I could.

Dr. Frankenstein: Good God. I would kill myself before helping in such a task.
Dracula : Feel free. I don't actually need you anymore, Victor. I just need him... he is the key.

Mr. Hyde: You're a big one. You'll be hard to digest.
Van Helsing: I'd hate to be such a nuisance. I missed you in London.
Mr Hyde: No you bloody did not! [shows a hole in his arm] You got me good.
Van Helsing: Dr Jekyll, you are wanted by the Knights of the Holy Order--
Mr Hyde: It's Mr Hyde now!
Van Helsing: ...for the murder of twelve men, six women...
Mr Hyde: ... four children, three goats, and a rather nasty massacre of poultry. So, you're the great Van Helsing.
Van Helsing: And you're a deranged psychopath.
Mr Hyde: We all have our little problems. [eats his cigar]
Van Helsing: My superiers would much like for me to take you alive so that they may extracate your better half.
Mr Hyde: I bet they bloody would.
Van Helsing: Personally I'd rather just kill you and call it a day. But let's make it your decision.
Mr Hyde: Mmm, do let's! [knocks Van Helsing across the room]

Van Helsing: Bless me, father, for I have...
Cardinal Jinette: ...sinned, yes, I know. You are very good at that. You shattered the Rose Window.
Van Helsing: Well, not to split hairs, but it was Mr Hyde who did the shattering.
Cardinal Jinette: 11th century. Over eight hundred years old. I wish you a week in hell for that.

Cardinal Jinette: Don't get me wrong. Your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters? We are not pleased.
Van Helsing: Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the Order do something about it?
Cardinal Jinette: Because we do not exist.
Van Helsing: Well then neither do I.

Van Helsing: That's why you're coming with me.
Carl: The hell be damned that I am.
Van Helsing: You cursed. Not very well, mind you, but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.
Carl: Actually, I'm still just a friar, so I can curse all I want. Dammit!

Van Helsing: The Cardinal has ordered you to keep me alive. [He hands a Carl a bag of weapons.] For as long as possible.
Carl: But I'm not a field man! [Whining] Van Helsing, I don't want to go to Transylvania!
Carl: So what do you remember?
Van Helsing: I remember fighting the Romans at Masada.
Carl: That was in 73 AD?
Van Helsing: You asked.

Anna Valerious: Some say you're a murderer, Mr. Van Helsing. Others say you're a holy man. Which is it?
Van Helsing: It's a bit of both, I think.

Van Helsing: He's a werewolf, he's gonna kill people!
Anna Valerious: It's not his fault! He can't help it!
Van Helsing: I know, but he's gonna do it anyway!

Velkan: I would rather die than help you!
Dracula: Oh, don't be boring, everyone who says that dies.

Anna Valerious: We Transylvanians always look on the brighter side of death.
Van Helsing: There's a brighter side of death?
Anna Valerious: Yes. It's just harder to see.

Village Woman: [Carl has just saved her from one of Dracula's children] How can I ever repay you?
Carl: [whispers something in her ear]
Village Woman: But you can't do that! You are a monk!
Carl: Well actually I'm still just a friar.

Van Helsing: There's something down here. And it's carnivorous. Whatever it is it appears to be... human. I'd say he's a size 17, about 360 pounds, 8 and a half to 9 feet tall. He has a bad gimp in his right leg, and... 3 copper teeth.
Anna Valerious: How do you know he has copper teeth?
Van Helsing: Because he's standing right behind you— move!

Dracula: Igor, why must you torment that thing so?
Igor: It's what I do.

Frankenstein's Monster: [hanging from a rope] Help! Help me!
Carl: But you're supposed to die!
Frankenstein's Monster: I want to live!
Carl:... All right!

Carl: Why does it smell like wet dog in here?
Van Helsing: Werewolf!
Carl: Oh! You'll be needing silver bullets then.
[he produces a box of bullets and throws them to Van Helsing, rather deftly]
Van Helsing: Well done!

Bloopers

Richard Roxburgh: [Backstage, sneezes on crew member]
Crew Member: Aww, you son of a...
Richard Roxburgh: [Seriously] Sorry mate.

Van Helsing: [To Anna] Alright [starts choking] Sorry! Flies! There's flies!!

Dracula: I give you... VAN HALEN!!!

Frankenstein's Monster: May others be as passionate in their hunting of you.
Van Helsing: [Goes to open his dart shooter, but pulls it apart instead.] Mmm... Broke. [Laughs] Look, it's a low-budget movie. I'm sorry!

Van Helsing: [Aiming the arrow gun, the director shouts "NOW!"] Geez! [ducks] You frightened the hell out of me! [laughs] I wasn't ready for that!

Dracula: Is any part of me likely to catch fire just at this point, excluding coattails or hair? No? Good.

Van Helsing: Friggin' line. Right. What's the line?

Frankenstein's Monster: [In the ice cube] I'm a cold heartless bitch.
Director: Can somebody get me a script, 'cause I'm sure those aren't the lines.

Mr. Hyde's stand-in: [Lifts the bell]
Van Helsing: [Jumps on his back] HEY DADDY!!! I'M HOME!!!

Frankenstein's Monster: [Being lowered down in the ice cube] Okay, I'll be in here. I got cable.

Van Helsing: There are those who go through the front door... and there are those who speak their lines a little bit better than this.

Hugh Jackman: Yeah, I would NEVER trip. [Several clips of him tripping/falling down]

Taglines

  • The One Name They All Fear.
  • Adventure lives forever.

Cast

External links

Wikipedia
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