Life is a rollercoaster. Try to eat a light lunch.David A. Schmaltz
- I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.
- I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.
- I don't mind growing old. I'm just not used to it.
- Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
- Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government.
- I only know two pieces, one is 'Clair de Lune', the other one isn't.
- The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
- When you go home, please drive home extremely carefully. Extremely carefully. Because I walk in my sleep!
- It's your language, I'm just trying to use it...
- Giuseppe Verdi. Joe Green to you.
- I'm going to play it with both hands so it will end faster.
- I'm Lou Borg.
- You may not be aware of this but Leonard Bernstein won another award, for explaining the music of Igor Stravinsky... to Igor Stravinsky!
- There will be no dancing during this number... unless you absolutely have to!
- I'm going to play a piece...by a Danish composer. Umm... Mozart. Hans Christian Mozart!
- [Holds someone's red tie] Oh I thought you were bleeding
- We have a neighbour, well who doesn't...but he's our next window neighbour, because he does not have a door at that end of the house!
- My grandfather gave me this watch...a few minutes before he died...for 20 bucks...plus tax!
- The soprano... is about four and a half feet tall... Lying down.
- And now, Brahms! Joey Brahms! ...Brahms spelled backwards: "Smharb."
- One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.
- Before we start, the Steinway Piano Company has asked me to announce that this is a Baldwin Piano.
- (Inspecting the piano) Hmmm… Steinway & Sons. Didn't even know he was married.
- Ignaz Friedman's dead now—I sincerely hope, because they buried him about 28 years ago.
- F. Liszt, young man, is Fliszt. You don't say M. Ozart, do you?
- It is important to always, always fasten your seat belt wherever you play.
- Excuse me Ma'am, are you laying eggs? (Spoken in "Page-Turner")
- Do I know how to raise turkeys? No, I don't - but they do....