We Will Rock You

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We Will Rock You is a musical based around the songs of the rock band Queen and was written by two of its members - Brian May and Roger Taylor - in collaboration with Ben Elton. We Will Rock You opened in 2002 at the Dominion Theatre in London, England. It is important to note that many lines in the show change based on the location and the date which the show is performed on, notably Pop's opening monologue.

Galileo

  • Help, I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody!
  • It looks better when I'm holding a tennis racket.
  • It drives me mad, all these phrases and sounds. Stupid, useless phrases. I mean, what the hell is a... tambourine man? What's the story, morning glory? Who was the real Slim Shady?
  • But all I know, and I don't even know why I know it, is that I really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig-ah!
  • And if I have your love, dying doesn't matter much at all. Does it?
  • No, Scaramouche! I still haven't found what I'm looking for! I want the world and I want it now! You can't stop until you get enough! Billie-Jean is not my lover! She's just a girl that claims that I am the one! The kid is not my son.
  • A couple of weeks ago I was virtually a Virtual High School dropout. Why would the rock gods tell me the answer?
  • The hairy one is back. And this time, she's a babe.
  • Shagileo Gigolo only rocks for the kids.

Scaramouche

  • Well, you sure are right about that... Bitch.
  • I ain't no Ga Ga Girl.
  • Globalsoft equals fascism!
  • They think I'm a lesbian because I don't wear pastels.
  • Friends? Well there's a dead life form if ever there was one.
  • His "chick"? What am I now, poultry?
  • What is it with this "chick" business? Do I have feathers? Do I lay eggs?
  • Hello! Pervert! It's a short sentence, the second word is "off".
  • Britney Spears died to save us.
  • The morning one partner wakes up and says 'It was amazing! There was a rabbit, in a bowler hat, cooking an omelette,' that is when love dies.
  • The word rhymes with "banker".
  • Oh, shut up and kiss me, you silly banker!
  • What do you think the mighty Queen died for? What? So you could act like a pathetic little coward? You wanted to be a rock star? They wouldn't let you in a boy band! (In some versions, this is changed to "They wouldn't let you in INXS!")
  • So come on, Gazza! Where's the bloke I used to love? Where's the bloke with the lead in his pencil? Where is Shagileo Gigolo?

Pop

  • I must make haste... I must complete the rebel archive... Stardate May 14th 2304. Although I have yet to discover the exact date on which music died, it is clear to me that an ancient entertainment phenomenon known as 'Pop Idol' (In newer versions this was changed to X-factor) played a central role. Soon, popstars were being created at such a rate that they were famous for less time than it took to play their records. Culture imploded, the Globalsoft corporation seized its opportunity, and the age of the Ga Ga had dawned.
  • There is always hope! Hope is our birthright.
  • Any way the wind blows.
  • Make love, not war!
  • Don't worry about Cliff Richard; he's indestructible.
  • They couldn't quite zap it all... zap it all... zap it all...
  • It was a time of boy bands. And girl bands. And boy and girl bands. And girl bands with a couple of boys in them that looked like girls.
  • You're right, crazy lady. We'll take my Harley. Rock's transport of choice. Not as fast, clean or efficient as a Japanese bike, but it sounds humongous.
  • It's been years since I've felt the soft warm thighs of a rebel chick wrapped round my skinny white arse.
  • I'll be a groupie. Anyone wanna see my tits?
  • Ooh, I've gone all tingley.
  • I shall be thine roadie!
  • I'm a groupie and a roadie! That means I'll have to have sex with myself. So, no change there then!
  • They secretly [ Makes a sign showing a throat being slit] the members of Queen. Brian May got one last wish. He wanted to play a very last guitar solo. He was able to postpone his execution by three-and-a-half days with it.

Khashoggi

  • Oh my. Oh my, oh my. What is this? Do I see a little silhouette of a spy?
  • Oh, god, I hate hippies!
  • So... an ignorant plucker.
  • What does 'a-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-lop-bam-boo' mean?
  • Underground, overground wombling free. Now tell me; who are Tinkywinky, Dipsy, Lala and Po and why do they say oh ho?
  • Where is she? What is her E-mail address? How does she love you? How does she 'drive you crazy'? Is she a drug pusher?
  • We've pulverized every rock on Planet Mall, and no Instruments of Mass Destruction have been found.
  • All they need is a leader; that's all it takes. One young, sole rebel, one crazy kid with a dream, a guitar, and a bad-arsed babe to fight for.
  • Finally I'm checking into the Heartbreak Hotel. So, Mr McCartney, I say hello, and you say goodbye.
  • Have you seen the size of the cups these days? They've been getting bigger for three hundred years. 'Regular' is now the size of a dustbin. Only last week a small child fell into her Sprite and drowned.
  • Lost them? Oh I see... lost them. Oh, no, we didn't lose them, no. We just don't know where they are.

Killer Queen

  • Well, star or no star, I intend to blast every rock on Planet Mall to smithereens, just in case! Stonehenge. Mount Rushmore. The famed Victoria Beckham Belly Button Diamond. If these grim tools of freedom do exist, I shall find them!
  • Need I remind you, that as well as being businesswoman of the year, I am also dynamite with a laser beam!
  • You know what happens to people who disappoint me! I think I'll have to blow your mind!
  • Who dares to play live rock on Planet Mall?
  • What part of 'don't stop me now' do you not understand?

Other

Opening Timeline: 2004 - Janet Jackson's right breast officially declared more important than her music

Ga-Ga Girl: Stop daydreaming and get a virtual life!

Voiceover: Workers of Globalsoft - junior executives, senior executives, vice-presidents, presidents, chairmen, chairwomen, chairtransexuals and chair-androgynous-artificially-created-lifeforms. Please prepare to welcome the chief executive officer of Globalsoft planet-wide - KillerQueen@Globalsoft.com/theWorld.

Big Macca: Hey! Baby! We believe there was a time, when if a cool dude wished to refer to his red hot momma, he would use the term 'chick'. It was a mark of respect. Second only to 'bitch'.

Bob: I'm Bob. Bob the poet; Bob the rebel; Bob the prophet - I am Bob the Builder! And I like to fix it!

Brit/Vic: Me? I'm the biggest, baddest, meanest, nastiest, ugliest, most raging, rapping, rock'n'roll, sick, punk, heavy metal psycho bastard that ever got get-down funky. They call me - Britney Spears/Victoria Beckham!.

Big Macca: We do know is that there came a day when rock'n'roll - died. But, we have always believed that in time, there will arise a man who carries the past within him. Somewhere on Planet Mall there are instruments, there must be. And if Britney is right, you are the man who can find them, and rock and roll will be reborn!

Brit: Yeah, they did it for a crazy little thing called love, baby! Hit me baby, hit me baby one more time!

Dialogue

Act 1

[In certain versions]

Policeman 1: Where is Penny Lane?
Policeman 2: What are the Strawberry Fields?
Policeman 3: What is Abbey Road?
Galileo: It's the place where dreams are made.
Policeman 3: He remembers, he's the messiah! (high pitched - like in Monty Python)
Khashoggi: He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy! (high pitched - like in Monty Python)
Policeman 3: Ohhhhh... (high pitched - like in Monty Python)

Khashoggi: Khashoggi to Killer Queen.

[The Killer Queen addresses Khashoggi from screens.]

Khashoggi: Good news Ma'am.
Killer Queen: It had better be, I'm having my daily bikini wax... Pull!

[SFX of wax being pulled off]

Killer Queen: Ahhhhhhh!... So?
Khashoggi: I believe that the last remaining rebels will soon be within my clutches.
Killer Queen: Then you must crush them without mercy.
Khashoggi: My my ma'am. You are an eager beaver.
Killer Queen: You leave my eager beaver out of this. We were discussing destroying rebels.

Galileo: Hey, G-G-G-G-Ga Ga girl. Who are you?

[Scaramouche is as always, hard and defensive.]

Scaramouche: I ain't no Ga Ga girl, and I don't answer questions. Who are you?
Galileo: I'm... I don't know who I am.
Scaramouche: Oh great.
Galileo: [proudly] But my name is Galileo Figaro.
Scaramouche: Cool name.
Galileo: Thank you.
Scaramouche: I wasn't being serious. Mind if I shorten it?
Galileo: Well, I suppose Galileo would be...
Scaramouche: So Gazza, tell me, why were you arrested?
Galileo: Because I hear sounds in my head, words and sounds. I'm mad you see.
Scaramouche: I was arrested because they don't like the way I dress.
Galileo: I think you dress beautifully.
Scaramouche: That's nice, except coming from a self confessed nutter... not! What sounds do you hear?

Khashoggi: Well Madam, we have now pulverised every rock on planet mall and not a single instrument of mass destruction has been found. The legend is a myth or, if you prefer, the myth is a legend.
Killer Queen: I like it both ways.
Khashoggi: So I've heard ma'am.

Galileo: I've thought of a name for you, too, I think.
Scaramouche: How could you do that? You've only me today.
Galileo: Yes, but I always knew I'd meet you. I always knew there was another rebel rebel out there, another wild thing.
Scaramouche: What would you want to call me?
Galileo: Scaramouche.
Scaramouche: Scaramouche? It's a bit... crap. People will call me Scary Bush!
Galileo: No they won't!
Scaramouche: I would!
Galileo: Well, I thought of some others, but frankly, I thought it was the best one!
Scaramouche: What were the others?
Galileo: Long tall Sally. Honky-tonk woman. Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Or fat-bottomed girl.
Scaramouche: I'll take Scary Bush.

Galileo: Scaramouche, Scaramouche - will you do the fandango?
Scaramouche: Are you trying to get into my pants?

Big Macca: As I was saying. This is a rebel base. But it is also a shrine. A shrine to everything we believe in. And, a place to remember the long dead king.
Galileo: What king?
Big Macca: Little is known about him. 'Cept that his name was Pelvis. A poor boy from nowhere, who sang like an angel, and danced like the devil. A teenage truck driver who broke free to become a mighty rebel- a rebel that spawned a thousand rebels!
Prince: But he was too wild, too free. And when he wiggled his hips he made the kids feel good about themselves! So they took him and they cut off his hair.
Bob: They shaved off his tall, greasy, stand-up quiff like he was a convict.
Prince: And they put him in the army.
Aretha: Then they humiliated him. The king was forced to make foolish movies, singing nursery rhymes to gangs of grinning children. He was ashamed. It broke his spirit. He took refuge in drugs, pills and cheeseburgers.
Big Macca: Just like a million kids that followed. The king was dead, and many kings and heroes died thereafter. Their songs are lost, but their names live on. We remember the ones that died young. Buddy Holly. Jimi Hendrix.
Aretha: Kurt Cobain.
Bob: Janis Joplin.
Prince: Jim Morrison
Big Macca: Bob Marley. John Lennon.
Meat: Freddie...

Act 2

Galileo: I...I love you, Scaramouche!
Scaramouche: I love you too...Gaz
Galileo: Do you think maybe perhaps just once you could use my whole name?
Scaramouche: I love you too...Gazza Fizza

Puff: Are you going to kill us?
Khashoggi: Please, Mr P. Puff Diddy Daddy Dum Diddy Do. Globalsoft is not some medieval inquisition. We are merely going to kill your souls. Empty your brains of such absurd notions as real music and individual thought.
Big Macca: You're sending us to Euro Disney?

Scaramouche: Well, good morning Gazza! Or perhaps I should use your full name - Shagileo Gigolo.
Galileo: I had this dream! And it was...

[There is a pause]

Galileo: Shagileo Gigolo? You - really think so?

Scaramouche: Oy! OY! Slow down, will you!
Galileo: No! You keep up!
Scaramouche: I've got shorter legs than you.
Galileo: Don't worry, your mouth makes up for it.
Scaramouche: Well, you didn't have any objections to it last night!
Galileo: That was below the belt!
Scaramouche: Which is all you think women are any good for!

Killer Queen: I am sick of excuses, Commander Khashoggi. And I am also sick of you. With your weary, sneery, posey, schmosey, look at me, I'm wearing sunglasses indoors crap! Oiling round the place with your snooty little booty in your Armani suity.
Khashoggi: Actually, ma'am, it's M&S. They've really rather raised their game recently, don't you think?

Galileo: I've got a world to save, so if you hold me up-
Scaramouche: Hold you up! Listen, mate! We're in this together! And despite the fact that you are emotionally immature, scared of commitment, and... you kept your socks on... I'm staying.

Scaramouche: So you remember something of what you read? Of the secret histories?
Pop: I remember one story. A legend so strong and powerful they could not wipe it from my brain. Would you like to hear it?
Scaramouche: Nah, I thought we'd just have a drink and bugger off.
Pop: Ouch. Balls broken.
Galileo: Yeah, she does that.

Galileo: We need transport! I mean, we need wheels!"
Bohmemians: [Bursting spontaneously into song] Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicyle!
Scaramouche: ...Bugger that!

Scaramouche: Don't blame yourself, Gazza. It's not your fault.
Galileo: Thanks, Scaramouche.
Scaramouche: I mean it's not your fault you're a spineless, gutless, whinging little crybaby!
Galileo: Excuse me?
Scaramouche: I know why you can't find the guitar, mate! What was it Pop said? Queen wove deep and terrible spells to protect the instruments from those not worthy of playing them!
Galileo: You mean me?
Pop: Ouch.

Scaramouche: So... let's rock!
Galileo: Yeah! ...I don't know how to start.
Scaramouche: Come on, buddy. You're a boy.
Pop: Make a big noise!
Scaramouche: Playing in the street...
Pop: Gonna be a big man someday!
Galileo: That's it!

Pop: [After an awful guitar solo from Galileo] Oh no, the rebirth of modern jazz..
Scaramouche: I thought you were really good, Gazza. No. Really.

Galileo: But I can't do this without you, Scaramouche. Don't you remember what Britney Spears said before he died? Making music is about love. You do it for your baby. And I can only do it for you. I love you, Scaramouche with all my heart. Please come back to me. Please forgive me. Because if you don't, I don't know if I can do this thing. And the kids will be forever be in chains!
Scaramouche: Oh, god. Talk about emotional blackmail. Oh come here you silly banker!


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