What's Up, Doc?
The object of love is to serve, not to win.Woodrow Wilson
- Written and directed by Peter Bogdanovich.
- ...not as much as I am in the metamorphic or sedimentary rock categories. I mean I can take your igneous rocks or leave them. I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar. You can keep your pyroxenes, magnetites and coarse-grained plutonics as far as I'm concerned...
- Eunice!? That's a person named Eunice?
- I love those old Ventegums.
- It so happens, Mr. Simon, that Howard has had discussions with Leonard Bernstein about the possibility of conducting an avalanche in E flat.
Dr. Howard Bannister
- ...you are not Burnsy. Burnsy is Burnsy, I mean Eunice is Burnsy, I mean she isn't Burnsy. Nobody is Burnsy.
- It's the television set, Eunice. There's a movie on--a war movie. They're getting dressed for the big battle.
- Well, there's not much to see actually, we're inside a Chinese dragon.
- Why, those are Howard's. What on Earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks?
- Don't kick those rocks, you Philistine!
- There is an old Croatian saying, Bollixter, which goes...
- I find that story as difficult to swallow as I do this potage au gelee.
- I myself have a little announcement to make, that may be of some interest. My natural curiosity was aroused, an so I did a little research on Mr. Bankister and Miss Burns, and I think--
- The slight mistake Mesdames and Messieurs is in the so-called identity of these alleged colleagues. I don't know who he is, but she is definitely not herself.
- For God's sake, don't shoot me, I'm part Italian.
- This is inexcusable. You can't come in here uninvited.
- Don't you dare strike that brave unbalanced woman!
- Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of tile.
- You will tell her you are smitten with her, that you had followed her all night, and you will make passionate love to her.
- Taxi Driver: I know how you feel, mister. I hate it when my igneous rocks are even touched!
- Judge Maxwell: You've made me smash my Life Savers.
- Eunice: Howard! Howard Banister! Howard, when I ask for you to wait for me somewhere I expect you to stay there until I come back.
- Howard: Yes, Eunice.
- Eunice: Now, it is difficult enough for me to have to see to all these arrangements myself...
- Howard: Yes, Eunice.
- Eunice: It is exactly 6:15. If we reach the hotel in half an hour, we'll have just enough time to get ready for the banquet.
- Howard: Yes, Eunice.
- Eunice: [to the airport attendant] Put these things in a taxi.
- Airport Attendant Yes, Eunice.
- Fritz: Young miss, may I help you please?
- Judy: Yes, I was wondering if my friends are still here. They're visiting from the um... New Hebrides and I believe they're in Room 1717.
- Fritz: I'm sorry, but that room is vacant.
- Judy: I don't understand. They told me they would be in Room 1717 at the Hotel Crystal.
- Fritz: This is the Bristol, madam, not the Crystal.
- Judy: Then one of us must be in the wrong Hotel.
- Fritz: Ah, Mrs. Van Hoskins. It's so nice to have you back with us.
- Mrs. Van Hoskins: Thank you, Hans.
- Fritz: Fritz.
- Mrs. Van Hoskins: What happened to Hans?
- Fritz: There is no Hans, Mrs. Van Hoskins, there is only me, Fritz.
- Mrs. Van Hoskins: Oh, what a shame!
- Fritz: [ringing his bell] Boy!
- Mrs. Van Hoskins: Now Franz, I'm going to take this with me. There are some things I need tonight, and tomorrow I want you to put it in the hotel safe for me.
- Howard: [to the bellhop] Don't touch that. Those are my pre-Paleozoic Tambulu rocks.
- Fritz: Don't touch his rocks.
- Eunice: Where have you been?
- Howard: I had a little trouble in the drug store.
- Judy: Steve, you didn't tell me you were married.
- Howard: We're not married.
- Judy: Congratulations.
- Eunice: But we will be soon.
- Judy: Condolences.
- Eunice: [to Howard] Who is this person?
- Howard: I haven't the vaguest idea. She was behind a rock in the drug store.
- Judy: Oh come on Steve, you can tell her about us.
- Eunice: Why is she calling you that name?
- Howard: Don't pay any attention to her, Eunice. [turning to Judy] Look, Miss Maxwell--
- Eunice: You know her name.
- Howard: Eunice, I swear this is a bizarre joke.
- Judy: Sure, it's easy for you, everywhere you go, another heart broken--women, women, women. You call it joking. Eunice and I, we call it lust.
- Eunice: Don't you know the meaning of propriety?
- Judy: Propriety? Noun. Conformity to established standards of behavior or manners, suitability, rightness, or justice. See "etiquette."
- Judy: ...it's probably the excitement of meeting you for the first time. I must say, I can feel it myself.
- Mr. Larrabee: Oh can you?
- Judy: Can I?! My heart is going a mile a minute. Why, you can just feel it pounding. Can't you feel it?
- Mr. Larrabee: Yes, I think I can. I... Yes, it's absolutely... it's certainly in there pounding... it's amazing. [to the others at the table] You should feel it gentlemen.
- Mr. Larrabee: I must point out that "foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."
- Judy: Emerson!
- Mr. Larrabee: I beg your pardon my dear?
- Judy: Ralph Waldo Emerson, born 1803, died 1882.
- Mr. Larrabee: You like Emerson?
- Judy: I adore him!
- Mr. Larrabee: I adore anyone who adores Emerson.
- Judy: And I adore anyone who adores anyone who adores Emerson. Your turn.
- Mr. Kaltenborn: Mr. Bannister, I have a message for you from the staff of the hotel.
- Howard: Really? What is it?
- Mr. Kaltenborn: Goodbye.
- Delivery boy: I want my bike back!
- Judge Maxwell: I'll give you your bike back. I'll give you a broken back!
- Mr. Larrabee: They broke into my home.
- Judge Maxwell: That's breaking and entering.
- Mr. Larrabee: And they brought her with them forcibly.
- Judge Maxwell: That's kidnapping.
- Eunice: They tried to molest me.
- Judge Maxwell: That's... unbelievable.
- Howard: First, there was this trouble between me and Hugh.
- Judge Maxwell: You and me?
- Howard: No, not you, Hugh.
- Hugh: I am Hugh.
- Judge Maxwell: You are me?
- Hugh: No, I am Hugh.
- Judge Maxwell: Stop saying that. Make him stop saying that.
- Hugh: Don't touch me, I'm a doctor.
- Judge Maxwell: Of what?
- Hugh: Music.
- Judge Maxwell: Can you fix a hi-fi?
- Hugh: No, sir.
- Judge Maxwell: Then shut up!
- Judy Maxwell: [Talking so Howard can hear]: Yeah I'm a transfer student. No, not the University the Conservity. Yes, I'm hoping to work with Dr. Howard Banister. Have you heard of him? Yeah, the nut with the rocks! What's up Doc?
- Howard: Did you know that I love you?
- Judy Maxwell: Yes.
- Howard: Really?
- [They kiss]
- Howard: Look, I'm sorry about what I did.
- Judy Maxwell: Let me tell you somthing. Love means never having to say your sorry.
- Howard: Thats the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
- [They kiss again]
- A screwball comedy. Remember them?
- Barbra Streisand — Judy Maxwell
- Ryan O'Neal — Dr. Howard Bannister
- Madeline Kahn — Eunice Burns
- Kenneth Mars — Hugh Simon
- Austin Pendleton — Frederick Larrabee