What I Like About You (TV series)

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There are two ways of being happy: We must either diminish our wants or augment our means—either may do—the result is the same and it is for each man to decide for himself and to do that which happens to be easier.
Benjamin Franklin
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What I Like About You was a sitcom that ran from 2002 to 2006.

(Holly tries to get her luggage out of the elevator as it closes and opens on her)
Gary: What are you doing?
Holly: Oh, I'm just playing a little game. It's called "get killed by the elevator while Gary does nothing!"

Val: (cheering) Jeff! My love! I've got somethin' to share! Hey hey! Beneath this skirt, I've got no under--
Jeff: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Holly (to Val, whose preparing a report about Lauren): A report?
That's not fighting fire with fire, that's fighting fire with paper.
Fire kicks paper's ass!

Holly: Look at this! I spent 30 dollars on depressing videos to get you to cry!
Val: Why do you want me to cry so bad?!
Holly: (shouting) So you can deal with your feelings!
So you can get on with your life and just (knocks something over) get out of mine!
Val: I didn't know I was such a burden.
Holly: Just let it out!
Val: (shouting) Fine, okay, great! You want me to -- you want me to cry, you want me to get mad. How about this!
(swings her arms in the air like a gorilla) Boo freakin' hoo!
Holly: Was that so hard?

Holly (to Val, about Henry): Do you think it's weird that suddenly I'm kind of attracted to someone who had some time in his life has probably put on a magic show?

Holly: Earrings?
What's with the frickin' earrings?! I thought you were giving her (Val) that ring?!
Jeff: Oh, I was! It was a beautiful sapphire set in platinum, but then the guy at the jewelry store told me only an idiot would get his girlfriend a ring for Valentine's Day that wasn't an engagement ring.
(chuckles) Who knew?
Holly: Everyone!

Val: I heard that buttcrack is the new clevage.
Holly: Yeah. But you can't keep your money in there.

Gary: Are you there, God?
It's me, Gary. Look man, I promise I will never ask you for anything again as long as I live, if you can just find it in your power to get my food-filled body up off this chair, so I can walk that smokin' female home.
(tries to get up then sits back down) Oooh, that's cool, Lord. I understand, I have been gluttonous.

Holly: (imitating her aunt Wanda) Where's my "Holly-wolly-woo-woo?"
(in normal voice) Right here, getting ready to punch you in the neck!

Holly: (shouting at Henry) You know me, you know who I am!
If we've been dating long enough for you to know that if I could have been there I would have! And that, you know, I'm sorry but something came up and I don't feel that I should be punished for that!
And to be perfectly honest, I think you're being a little bit of a bitch right now!

Val: Do these pants make my bottom look big?
Holly: "Bottom." You're so Amish!

Holly: Ok, Tina's mom is a psychiatrist, so Tina was probably raised very strict.
That means we have to act like Pilgrims.
Gary: Well, Holly, there were no black Pilgrims. You gotta stop skipping school.

Tina: OK, just say we went to the mall, we shopped, we shared a giant cookie--.
Gary: (cutting her off) Now, what kind of cookie? Ya'll gotta be on the same page cookie-wise or else your whole plan is gonna crumble. (chuckles)
Get it? Cookie? Crumble? (pauses, and realizes that Holly and Tina aren't laughing. Then he stops laughing.)
Tina: Who are you?
Gary: Gary!
Tina: Oh.
(to Holly): Is he your boyfriend?
Holly and Gary: No. Hey!

Holly: He doesn't look different.
Tina: Who?
Holly: Henry. He still looks like a virgin.
Tina: Yeah, I think he's stuck with that look.

(Vince says he did it with a celebrity and Holly, Gary, Tina and Henry try to guess who it is)
Gary: I got it.
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen? Yeah!
Vince: I don't think that's three names or legal.
Gary: Not for another two hundred and forty-eight days.

(Tina and Holly explain to the guys why they have to get off the subway)
Holly: We need cheese.
Vince: We got cheese.
Holly: Spicy mustard?
Henry: Got it.
Holly: Toothpicks?
Gary: Right here.
Tina: Tampons.
(Henry and Vince groan)
Gary: Aw, hell no!

Jeff: Hey.
Holly: Hey, guys! How was Lincoln Center?
Val: Oh, it was incredible! Nobody does modern dance like Pina Bausch. The choreography was amazing. She's so imaginative.
Jeff: So were you on the cab ride "ome-hay."
Holly: Hmm... "Ome-hay, ome-hay." You fooled around in the cab but where was it heading?
Val: Nothing happened in the cab.
Jeff: Well, then. We should do "nothing" a little more often.
Val: Don't you need to get "ome-hay?"
Holly: Oohhh, home!
Jeff: Love you. (kisses Val on the cheek then leaves, Holly then smiles slyly at Val)
Val: 'Night.
Holly: Come on, get over here!
Val: Why?
Holly: You don't have to be all nervous about this. We can talk about it.
Val: I don't know, it's weird.
Holly: Come on, give me a little credit. We subscribe to Cinemax!
Val: Okay, you're right, we should not be embarrassed to talk about sex. We're both grownups, right?
Holly: Thank you.
Val: So, how far have you gone with a boy?
Holly: 'Night!

Val: I wanted that promotion. Now she's gonna get it.
I'm going to be number-freakin'-two!
Holly: You can beat her. The only difference between you and Lauren is she has the fire in her belly. Your belly's not even rubbing two sticks together.
Val: You're right. I'm too damn nice.
I can't fight dirty.
Holly: But I can. Are you ready to listen to me?
Val: I'm ready. Bring it on, how do we get Lauren?
Holly: Okay, well, it might not surprise you that I have some ideas.
(Holly gives Val a notepad of her plans) Here we go.
Val: Ooh, I like this one. It has a diagram.
Holly: Uh, that one's kinda tricky. We need a sample of her DNA.
Val: How about this one? The bazooka. Tell me about the bazooka.
Holly: Excellent choice. (chuckles) I used that once in the ninth grade on Lisa Gertz.
They say on quiet days, you can still hear her crying.
Val: So how does it work?
Holly: You do some digging into Lauren's past and find her dirty little secret.
Val: She has a secret?
Holly: Everyone has a secret.
But Val, you have to know this won't be pretty. Once you get in, you cannot get out.
Val: Why can't you get out?
Holly: Well, you can. But it's just more fun like this. Come on, let's do it!

(Vince is at the Liberty Diner getting ready to console Holly after she finds out her boyfriend Ben has a wife)
Vince: Holly's favorite dessert.
This plus me will comfort her.
Gary': What if Holly and Ben didn't break up?
Vince: Wife, Gary.
Holly's never gonna forgive him for this.
(Vince exits the Liberty Diner to hear Ben serenading Holly from the balcony of her loft. Vince then throws the dessert on the ground and stomps on it three times)

(referring to the fact that Julie called her ex, Val's fiancee Rick, to talk)
Vince: I thought you decided to tell Val.
Holly: I did, but then I thought, "Okay, so what? Julie called Rick, she needed a little closure."
And if I were marrying Ben, and you called and wanted to get together, it would be nothing because we don't have feelings for each other anymore.
Vince: Exactly. It's not like Rick called Julie crying,
"I still love you. I can't go on without you. Don't marry that British bastard."
(Holly looks at Vince puzzled, Gary looks at Vince with a preturbed look)
(singing): Turkey in the straw, turkey in the hay...

Val: Hi, there, sir. Good to see you again. Can I help you?
Old Man: Your coffee tastes like ass.
Val: Well, we tried a new blend. Perhaps it's the chicory you're tasting.
Old Man: Just ass, that's all. Just ass.
Cold ass.
Val: Okay, well, uh -- maybe a complimentary cupcake will make it up to you.
Old Man: Not when they taste like feet.
Val: All right, that's it. Now you listen here, mister.
Every day you come in here with that sour puss, and you tell me what's wrong with my business. Well, my cupcakes are delicious and the coffee is hot.
Now if you don't like it, you can leave. Otherwise, you can just sit there and you eat your feet and drink your ass!

Tina: Holly, thank you so much for convincing me to pitch my ideas to the boss.
Holly: Oh my God, I'm so glad that you did. I mean, it's a great experience even if you didn't get the job.
Tina: I got it!
Holly: What? Are you kidding me? Your first day here and you're on (makes air quotes) "Team Stefani"?
Tina: Oh, I know what you're thinking, now I'm going to be too busy to make the coffee. But don't worry, I will find the time.
Holly (crossing her fingers): Here's hopin'.
Okay, let me get this straight. I told you you could do it and you did it!
Oh, my God. So what was your idea?
Tina: Oh, God. Get this, I didn't have to pitch him an idea. He said he liked my enthusiasm.
(Tina takes off her jacket to reveal a cleavage-baring blouse)
Holly: Are you sure he didn't say "nipples"?
(Tina laughs)
Tina, um -- just out of curiosity, did, uh, you wear your jacket to the meeting?
Tina: No. Why?
Holly: Because, um, I-I don't think you got the job. Your knockers did!
Tina: Well, they're attached to me, so...
(talks to her breasts) Thank you.
Holly: Look. I know that you dress all, you know. "Nakedy" when we go out but, okay, you know, it's kind of inappropriate for work.
Tina: Hey, did I not get the job?
Holly: The three of you got the job!
I mean, do you not care that you got it that way?
Tina (talks to her breasts): Guys?
Holly: Stop talking to your boobs! Ew! Do you not see how wrong this is?
Tina: What? Using what you have to get ahead? Welcome to the real world, Holly.
Holly: Okay, yeah, that's not my world. I get a job because of my talent, my brains, my ideas.
Tina: So do I!
I mean, if I didn't have the idea to take off my jacket, I would still be an assistant right now.
Holly: Oh, my God. I cannot believe I am actually friends with someone like you.
Tina: What?
Holly (shouting to Tina's breasts): I cannot believe I am actually friends with someone like you!
Tina: Fine, fine. Well, if that's the way you fell, we are no longer friends. If you need to discuss anything about work, I'll have my assistant call your--
(gasps) Ohh, wait. You don't have an assistant! Oh, oh, I know. Maybe you can get your ideas to answer your phone.
Holly: Well, at least my ideas are even! (Tina gasps and Holly sarcastically gasps in near unison)

Holly: Now, can I ask you a question?
Val: Hmm?
Holly: Were you really 24 your first time?
Val: No.
Holly: I knew it!
Val: I've never done it!

Henry (after Henry and Holly kiss): I liked that.
Holly (giggles): Me too.
But next time when we kiss, can we do it in a place that smells less like pee?

Holly: Please explain. I'd love to hear it.
Val: What happened here is complicated.
Holly: Uh-huh.
Val: And -- well, all right. You remember when you were four and you had that little blankie?
Holly: This is gonna be good...
Val: You and blankie spent a lot of time together. But then it came time for the two of you to go your separate ways. Remember how upset that made you? Remember how upset you were that one night that we let you and blankie sleep together one last time to say goodbye?
Holly: Yeah -- but why did you have sex with Jeff?

Holly: Hey, could you do me a favor? While I'm having dinner with Val, can -- uh, you crank the music way up?
Gary: Why?
Holly: Maybe it'll block out the sound of Val saying the word "pubis."

Noah Gibson (Henry's brother, played by Cameron Mathison): Looks like we have to wait a little -- can I buy you juice and a cookie?
Val: Sure! What's good here?
Noah: Orange juice, we have lemonade, and (holds up a pitcher of V8) what I hope to God is tomato juice!
Val: Yeah. Are you staring at my nostril?
Noah: No, no, no, no. Let me ask you something. Would it be weird if I asked out my younger brother's girlfriend's older sister?
Val: No, I think your younger brother's girlfriend's older sister would love to go out with her younger sister's boyfriend's older sister! Oh wow! I think I just asked myself out!

Holly (after Jeff leaks to Holly that Val takes money out of her allowance): Val takes $20 a week out of my allowance?
Jeff: Ohh! You didn't -- Aw, man! Val's gonna kill me!
Hey... wait a second, what's she gonna do, break up with me again? She keeps her bankbook in her underwear drawer!
Yeah, I've been in there! You can tell her that too!

Val (talking to Jeff about her old roommate Roberta): Remember how she would sit in that chair for hours wearing her depressing black clothes and hating pop culture?
(imitates Roberta in gravelly voice) "I'm Roberta, Spielberg sucks!"
Jeff: God, film students ruin everything!

Holly: We can stay up all night watching old movies like we used to!
Val: Yes, absolutely!
Holly: We can go shopping in SoHo!
Val: Every weekend!
Holly: We can go to the East Village and get matching tattoos!
Val: Oh, not a chance in hell!

Holly (sitting on her father's suitcase tries to get up and falls off the bed, she finds a bra under the bed): Hey, what's my bra doing under here?
(looks at bra) Hello! Not my bra!

Holly: I thought you were psyched about not having a roommate.
Val: I was psyched about not having that roommate, but you don't sit in the dark all day, you don't have hairy pits, you don't invite strange men to sleep over -- You don't invite strange men to sleep over.

Jeff: What were you guys doing in there, man?
Gary: I went in to get my movie!
Jeff: You like this movie?
Gary: I love that movie! I'm like obsessed with it! It's one of those movies where I'm like, man, I would love to be one of those characters!
Jeff: You wanna be one of the Ya-Ya Sisters?
Gary: No, no! I went in to get The Matrix, man -- this must be Val's.
Jeff: You want free cheesecake for a year?
Gary: Sure!
Jeff: Make it disappear!

Jeff: Holly hasn't left for school yet, huh?
Val: It's Saturday!
Jeff: (looks at his PDA) It isn't 2006, either, is it?! Stupid Palm Pirate!
Val: Isn't it called Palm Pilot?
Jeff: Not if you buy it off a guy in a van!
Val: Same guy who sold you the Rulex?

Jeff: Give it some time. It's like Sandra Bullock said in "Ya-Ya Sisterhood": 'I'll learn what you like and you'll learn what I like and everything will be fine'."
Val: Sandra Bullock never said that!
Jeff: Yeah she did! Maybe you weren't paying attention!
Val: When?
Jeff: In that scene in the middle where -- where...
Oh, please don't make me watch it again!

Kyle: Well, aren't you going to give me the bird?
Holly: I'd love to give you the bird but I'm holding Timmy.

Gary: You need to get lost for a couple of hours.
Holly: No, I can't. Kyle stole Timmy from the zoo and brought him here.
Gary: He stole Timmy?
Holly: Yes, and now I have to watch him until Kyle gets back.
Gary: Can you watch him somewhere where I'm not gonna get lucky?
Holly: That would be here.

Holly (to Val): I don't know if you know this, but I'm a bit of a loose cannon. I do whatever pops into my head, I'm like a monkey.