Wonderfalls

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The pain of love is the pain of being alive. It is a perpetual wound.
Maureen Duffy
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So she agreed to live with the god in the waterfall and became "Maid of the Mist"...and thanks to "Princess" Niagara has remained an enchanted wonderland, despite hundreds of years of commercial development.

Wonderfalls (2004) is a television series that aired on Fox starring Caroline Dhavernas about a graduate of Brown University working a dead-end job as a sales clerk at a Niagara Falls gift shop who is the reluctant participant in conversations with a variety of animal figurines.

Theme song

"I Wonder Why the Wonder Falls" by Andy Partridge
  • We're bobbing along in our barrel.
    Some of us tip right over the edge.
    But there's one thing really mystifying
    It's got me laughing, now it's got me crying
    All my life I'll be death defying
    Till I know...

    I wonder wonder why the wonderfalls
    I wonder why the wonder falls on me
    I wonder wonder why the wonderfalls
    With everything I touch and hear and see.

  • Don't you ever think about this life
    And how strange it all can seem?
    Only way to find the answers out
    Is to wake up from its golden dream.
  • I've got to find out from where the wonder falls.

Season 1

Wax Lion

Jaye: "I surrender to Destiny." Famous last words. Seriously, they put it on bathrobes and stuff.

Jaye: So she agreed to live with the god in the waterfall and became "Maid of the Mist"...And thanks to "Princess" Niagara has remained an enchanted wonderland, despite hundreds of years of commercial development.

Gretchen: Did you end up over-educated and unemployable like you said in the yearbook?

Unpleasant Customer: This lion is defective!
Wax Lion: Word of advice? —Don't give her money back.

Karen: Sweetheart, everyone's here. Untie the door and let us in.

Aaron: She lives in a trailer park, Clearly she's disturbed. I mean clearly.
Karen: She's not disturbed, she's depressed, and they have pills for that now.

Darrin: Sweetheart, when was the last time you had an orgasm?
Sharon: That sound you hear is stunned silence.

Jaye: Maybe we should trach him!
Sharon: I don't know, do you have a pen?
Jaye: Fine tip or ball point?
[Cut to Hospital]
ER Woman: We have a stabbing victim!

Sharon: You tell people we're not related.
Jaye: It was just that one time.
Sharon: It was Grandpa's wake!

Sharon: I'm just curious. How many people did you call before you called me?
Jaye: Five. No, six! You were the only one home.

Boy: What happened to the chief?
Jaye: He died.
Boy: Why did the princess live?
Jaye: 'Cause she was hot. Are you going to buy the tape?
Boy: No.
Jaye: Then get out. No loitering.

Jaye: That discount has to be presented at the time of purchase.
Customer: My ass. I'm presenting it right now.
Jaye: Did you just say "my ass"?

Mahandra: Disappointing your family is an extreme sport for you.

Jaye: Well, just look at them. They all work really hard everyday and they're dissatisfied. I mean, I can be dissatisfied without hardly working at all.

Mahandra: Crazy insane, or crazy like the time I set up a video camera in my house and pretended I was on "Big Brother"?

Eric: Why do they always sacrifice the pretty ones?
Jaye: I guess killing pretty people is easier than killing ugly people. Although, you'd think the opposite would be true.

Jaye: I didn't take the monkey.
Karen: Of course you took the monkey, sweetheart. He's got it all on tape. He put a security camera in his office after that Olsen girl stabbed herself and told everyone he tried to kill her.

Jaye: I so wanna storm out on you right now, but if I stand up, I'll fall.

Mahandra: And what happens if you repress something?
Jaye: It goes away?
Mahandra: It comes back - all crazy and pissed off.

[Jaye picks a quarter out of the fountain]
Girl: You're not supposed to steal.
Jaye: You're not supposed to talk to strangers. Piss off.

Pink Flamingos

Pink Flamingo: Get off yo' ass.

Gretchen: I'm sort of a Christmas and Easter Jew.

Jaye: Eric can't talk right now, because he's servicing me sexually.

Jaye: I don't have a choice. I'm a puppet. The universe sticks its hand up my butt, and if I don't dance people get hurt.

Mahandra: I've got my own list of things to do. And at the top of it: Destroy Gretchen Speck. You may be the universe's butt puppet, but I'm its right-hand fist of fate. And tonight, accounts are comin' due.

Rooster: Destroy Gretchen! Sqwak!

Jaye: Yeah, screw the chicken! I'm going to save that bitch's marriage!

Karen: Honey, you should go in there.
Jaye: Me?
Karen: Otherwise, I'll have to.

Eric: So, did you defy the chicken?
Jaye: Uh-huh.
Eric: And how'd that work out for ya?
Jaye: I think I may have killed a man.
Eric: Oh. So not as well as we'd hoped then?.

Jaye: I destroy you.

Gretchen: Jaye. Janet.
Mahandra: Mahandra.
Gretchen: [hesitates] Shalom!

Karma Chameleon

Karma Chameleon: Get her words out.

Jaye: What if I only ever rate four words and a digit?

Bianca: Come again!
Jaye: Don't encourage them.

Jaye: It's like you've been at it all your life, and yet not managed to have your soul crushed.

Sharon: She must be nuts if she thinks you inspire!
Jaye: With effortless and undemanding style.

Jaye: You've gotta choose people who aren't much more motivated than you are — but don't surround yourself with total narcissists. Otherwise, things start to be about something other than you.

Jaye: If you mean it looks a little like Jeannie's bottle, I get that a lot.

Bianca: Your home is a trailer. Don't you see the beautiful poetry in that? It's a thing that's been designed to go someplace, and yet the hitch isn't hooked up to anything. So it just sits here, never living up to it's potential... but never in any danger of breaking down either.

Bianca: You have really managed to create a stressless expectation-free zone for yourself.

Jaye: I should have tossed her out on her buh-buh-butt!

Jaye: A brother who lives at home, and is still considered more succesful than I am, which could be because I live in a trailer that, while it may look like Jeannie's bottle, is actually slightly smaller.

Jaye: Like the falls of Niagara that rage at the center of her little town, some powerful force forever threatens to sweep Jen into roiling chaos. It is a force against which she struggles. A power she cannot name. Whether it is the undertow of contemporary life, or something more ancient, "Life as it has always been", Jen will continue to struggle, to thrash and fight. Yet in her most personal unguarded moments she will speak of a calm pool, a place where the waters become still and the chaos abates. A place where a father's wisdom, a mother's compassion, a brother's protection, and a sister, 35 [Sharon looks shocked], all combine to show Jen she is not alone.

Jaye: Daughter Jaye lives in Niagara Falls. Her blurb and life are a work in progress.

Jaye: You're like that girl in that movie who liked the life of the other girl so much that she killed for it!
Bianca: Grease?
Jaye: Single White Female!

Wound-Up Penguin

Wound-up Penguin: Bring her back to him!

Jaye: This is what cults do, you know. Deprive their converts of sleep so they'll be confused and vulnerable and more likely to do the stupid things you ask them to do. Like drink the kool-aid. Is that what you're working up to?

Jaye: What do you get off brow-beating a hooker? Jesus was nice to prostitutes.

Jaye: Did you "Agnes of God" her? I bet he did; I bet he Agnes of Godded all over her!

Eric: The man, do you remember what he looked like?
Janitor: Strange looking sort. Dressed in all black. I remember thinking that if Johnny Cash had been born an Irishman, the music would have been more lilting.

Jaye: So was Sister Suzanne mean?
Katrina: She’s a lovely person!
Jaye: I always picture nuns being mean.
Eric: I do too, and I don’t know why.
Jaye: It’s probably because they don’t... [to Katrina] although you seem nice.

Jaye: If you were so happy with the sisters in the field, why did you leave?
Katrina: It was the cheese. The cheese was my undoing. [indicating her plate] This is the miracle of life melted over these chili fries. The bacterial flirtation with enzymes. The co-mingling of friendly micro-organisms giving birth to curds and whey, "And from dust He created the universe."
Jaye: The dairy-board must love you.

Jaye: I didn't pretend to be your friend, I was forced to be your friend. Those are two very different things.

Jaye: Yes, but maybe she's just a lazy whore. That happens, right? They can't all have hearts of gold and good work ethics.

Jaye: Just give me 24 hours, and I’ll have her singing "Sweet Jesus" all the do-da-day long. And you can bring her back to Him. All three Hims: Jesus, God, and... the other one.

Aaron: Hey, have you seen my sister?
Katrina: I need you to tell me everything you know about demonic possession.

Jaye: Why are you all dressed up?
Sharon: We’re going to church.
Jaye: Is it Christmas? Because if it is, it snuck up on me, and nobody’s getting anything.
Darrin: It doesn’t have to be Christmas for the Tylers to go to church.
Jaye: ...Is it Easter?

Jaye: The voices, the animals, I was just mad at them. But they aren’t demonic. It just feels like that sometimes when they make me help people.

Crime Dog

Cow Creamer: Bring her home.

Jaye: Crap. It was the pancake. [to herself] Stupid cow!
Sharon: [to Jaye] Selfish bitch!

Karen: Sharon, go talk to your father. You're his favorite.
[Sharon obeys and leaves the kitchen.]
Aaron: I thought I was his favorite.
Karen: We don't have favorites.

Aaron: Ohmygod, that guy just blew his nose on the ground. I thought Canadians were supposed to be clean.
Jaye: Just don't make eye contact.

Jaye: Well, if it isn't the squealer. Thanks for squealing, squealer.
Sharon: How am I a squealer?
Jaye: Uh, could it be the squealing? You ambushed us with the fuzz. You were all back-lit and evil-smoking like that guy on the X-Files.

Officer Hale: The blonde one's queer. Look at her. Those fingernails are a dead giveaway. Cut all nice and short. Clean cuticle beds. Lesbians always trim their nails like that. You know why?

Jaye: I'm sorry I made you compromise your principles.
Darrin Tyler: The first principle is always family. You take care of them first.

Jaye: Just try to get Aaron out.
Sharon: He's already out
Jaye: Bastard! He sang?
Sharon: No, you admitted to driving the car.
Jaye: Oohh I sang...
Sharon: There are like 6 Law and Orders on the air now, have you not seen one of them?

Muffin Buffalo

Muffin Buffalo: Keep ‘em here.

Jaye: What's the point of living in a trailer park if you can't take in the local color? And by that I mean spy on the freaks.

Aaron: If your poorly-lit chupacabra doesn’t emerge soon I’ll be forced to go home and work on my dissertation.
Jaye: I don’t call him that anymore. He might be of Mexican descent and I don’t want to be insensitive.
Aaron: What do you call him?
Jaye: Fat Pat. It was Fatsquatch but... [shrugs]

Aaron: I’m working really hard on my education. Just not right now.

Jaye: I do admit the whole shut-in thing has a certain appeal. Dress is optional, and there’s the part where you get to avoid people.

Dr. Ron: Are you an atheist?
Aaron: As a theologian, I feel it’s irresponsible to define myself in those terms. But yeah.
Dr. Ron: A theologian who doesn’t believe in God?
Aaron: There’s more of us than you think.

Jaye: And now everybody’s gonna think I’m a baby-saver thanks to the "Ogwehoweh Reservation Newsletter." [pause] OK, so maybe not everybody, but the Seneca Indians who read this paper will. I can’t have them running around thinking I save babies!

Man at bar: [to Jaye] Thank you. You just saved my sobriety.
Jaye: I didn’t mean to! Hey, take that thank you back!

Jaye: [wandering the deserted trailer park] Did we have a Rapture?

Pat: I know you people make fun of me. Even the tranny in the wheelchair makes fun of me. Sometimes I open the window and listen to you people talk.
Jaye: Can you tell who’s saying what?
Pat: Your voice is very distinct.

Jaye: I was just rude to a customer. I can’t be Employee of the Month.
Alec: You don’t have a choice. Peggy said I can’t get it anymore now that I’m management. The honor comes with a certificate and a parking space on the first level of the structure.
Jaye: I park on the street.
Alec: And the afternoon off.
Jaye: I humbly accept.

Aaron: There’s something out there and it’s laughing at us.
Darrin: I don’t think your sister’s special lunch is an appropriate place for an existential crisis.
Aaron: It’s not an existential crisis.
Karen: You’re studying religion for God’s sake, you were bound to have one sooner or later.
Aaron: I’m not in existential crisis! Just the opposite. I was fine when existence had no meaning. Meaninglessness in a universe that has no meaning — that I get. But meaninglessness in a universe that has meaning... [to Jaye] what does it mean?!
Jaye: It doesn’t mean anything.
Aaron: Did the cow creamer tell you that?
Karen: I’m throwing that creamer away the second we get home.

Jaye: You lost 300 pounds; you can’t just gain it all back!
Marianne Marie: Well Zeig Heil, Miss Jenny Craig!

Barrel Bear

Barrel Bear: Give it back to her.

Alec: Most really successful people are on a solid career track by the time they get to be your age.
Jaye: I’m 24!
Alec: It’s never too late. If you buckle down now, show a little initiative, you can make sure there will always be a place for you here at Wonderfalls.
Jaye: [horrified] Oh God!

[Millie is sitting at the autograph-signing table and is being ignored.]
Mahandra: This is sad. This is sadder than that hooker we saw getting beat up by that other hooker.
Alec: At least a hooker fight would draw a crowd.

Jaye: [to Sharon] How long have you been using the Republican party as a lesbian dating service?

Viv: I was supposed to ride that barrel right out of this crumby town.
Jaye: And you never considered a bus?

Mahandra: ...the story of Millie Marcus and her barrel.
Eric: It is sort of the quintessential American tale.
Mahandra: Yes! It teaches us there's nothing a person can’t do.
Eric: Or nothing a person actually has to do. I mean look at her, she’s 100% fabrication. She decided what she wanted to be and damn the facts. You don’t get much more American than that.

Jaye: Look at me: I’m 24 and I’ve never done anything. I have a worthless philosophy degree that's gotten me no further than a dead-end retail job working for a mouth-breather so I can continue to support my trailer park lifestyle. Do you think I sit around feeling sorry for myself?
Viv: God, I would if I were you.

Lovesick Ass

Barrel Bear: Girl needs a boy.

Lovesick Ass: Girl needs a—
Jaye: Girl might actually find time to have a boy if you'd ever shut up!
Lovesick Ass: ...donut. Girl needs a donut.
Jaye: Finally, something sensible.

[Playing with the Wax Lion and Brass Monkey]
Mahandra [as Wax Lion as Jaye]: Your man-sweat is like honey-mustard glaze on my tongue.
Brass Monkey: Inappropriate touching.
Wax Lion: This isn't fun for anybody.

Jaye: [reading] "Never break this spell I'm under,/Every thought of you is wonder." I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Katya: Oh no, I need bigger Peter.

Katya: Eric! You come too quick.

Jaye: It's impossible you could've liked any of your three portions. It's fish jello! You do realize that's jello and fish?

Peter: He wants you all to himself. He won't share you with anyone. You're in danger. He's dangerous. I saw him smoking a cigarette.
Jaye: He doesn't smoke. He doesn't hit people. He doesn't deface synogogues and he doesn't frequent gay bath houses.
Peter: I have pictures.
Jaye: You have photo-imaging software!
Peter: I'm only trying to protect you. Come with me to the cabin. I'll keep you safe. We have a cellar.

Eric: You know, even if you got rid of me, you'd still be left with the biggest obstacle to Jaye's heart.
Peter: What's that?
Eric: Jaye.

Safety Canary

Safety Canary: Take a picture, it'll last longer.

Eric: I read this thing about saliva and saliva compatibility. If someone tastes good, you have compatible saliva. If someone tastes bad, you probably shouldn't be kissing them.

Rufus: You know what happens when a fairy's wings lose their dust? The fairy dies, that's what.
Jaye: Uh, restrooms are for customers only.

Jaye: Ew. Did that monkey just throw its food at you?
Penelope: In a way.

Penelope: [to Jaye] Snowy Owl love-killer!

Jaye: [to Mahandra] I'm not a love-killer. I'm -
Stuffed Bass: Save the lovebirds.
Jaye: I'm a... love-saver. Evidently.

Penelope: We answer to a higher law.
Eric: We do?
Jaye: Love. Love is our higher law. And we're here to save it. Not that it was ever in any danger. From me.

Jaye: Just so you know, this is not an isolated incident. Things like bird attacks and abduction happen to me all the time.

Aaron: I wanna see an engorged cloaca!
Penelope: You can't. I told you, your powerful sexual chemistry is too distracting.
Aaron: I get that a lot, actually.

Jaye: I'm trying to save him. By avoiding him. So I can be with him. But I can't go near him or I'll destroy him, so if I can just manage to stay away from him maybe we can be together. Please don't repeat that back to me.

Jaye: I've never seen anyone work so hard to get someone else laid in my entire life. You are like the total mac daddy bird pimp.

Lying Pig

Lying Pig: Mend what was broken.

Heidi: You're angry. You should be. What I did was unforgivable. But here I am anyway, begging you to forgive me.
Eric: Don't get on your knees. Wouldn't help your case much.

Jaye: Brain damage suits her.

Heidi: You hit me with a television!
Jaye: It was a portable!

Jaye: Fine, I'm the crazy one... but I had the snake!
Heidi: Well, it's my snake and I want it back.
[Jaye looks puzzled.]
Heidi: The snake... that's a penis reference, right?
Jaye: No, God! With a mind that works like that no wonder you cheated on your honeymoon.

Jaye: [to Heidi] You ruined him! He can't even walk past a chapel without having an anxiety attack. And there's a lot of chapels in this town!

Mahandra: If you think Jaye made him less frustrated, you're sadly mistaken.

Aaron: [to Jaye] Well, you're the only thing with a face in here now. This trailer is clean. Kind of.

Mahandra: You're like a brother to me.
Aaron: So, I make love like a black man?
Mahandra: Not that kind of brother, you idiot!

Cocktail Bunny

Cocktail Bunny: Save him from her.

Jaye: [to melting Wax Lion] Tell me why. Why make me make the man I love re-marry his hussy bride? How is that helpful? Who does that benefit besides the hussy, 'cause I'm not in the business of benefitting hussies.

Dr. Ron: What makes you think the monkey was talking to you?
Jaye: 'Cause it looked at me and talked.

Heidi: [to Jaye] We're both reasonable women.
Mahandra: [standing nearby, listening] Ha!
Heidi: We're both capable of reason.

Jaye: Of course she's not pressing charges. Murderers don't press charges. It calls unwanted attention to themselves.

Jaye: It wasn't me. This is all Heidi. Have you Googled the woman? She's a menace!

Mahandra: Heidi-ho, gotta go.

Angie Olsen: You take the good / You take the bad / You take them both / And there you have / The facts of life / The facts of life...

Brass Monkey: Lick the light-switch.

Jaye: [to Brass Monkey] Tell me why you talk to me!
Brass Monkey: Because... you listen.

Totem Mole

Totem Mole: Show him who’s special.

Jaye: An authentic Satsuma totem should not be speaking English.
Totem Mole: I’m not authentic. They put me here for the tourists.

Jaye: I couldn’t stand the thought of spending another day looking at those faces with their stupid little mouths constantly running and making all sorts of unreasonable demands on me.
Mahandra: Are you sure you should be in a customer service industry?

Aaron: St. Paul was just a punk until he was blinded by the light, and Gandhi was just drinking and whoring it up with his friends until he heard the cry of his people.
Jaye: And Neo was just a geek until he swallowed that little red pill.

Bill: Thank you for supporting this imperialist establishment. Enjoy your purchase and have a racist day!

Bill: They really look up to me!
Jaye: Yeah, you made them sit down.

Sharon: Behind this door is one very dehydrated, very angry, and very litigious woman! Pry, man! Pry!

Caged Bird

Caged Bird: Let him go!

Wade: Is this one of those stores that gives its employees a cash bonus when they apprehend a shoplifter?
Jaye: Ten percent of whatever they were gonna steal! One time I accidentally left the watch case open and I got, like, 500 bucks.

Jaye: I make good life choices — mostly because they’re forced on me — but I make them, and I find myself in unpleasant situations all the time. You know why? Because even if you have a choice it can and will be taken away from you. We’re all fate’s bitch. You might as well go ahead and bend over for destiny now.

Alec: No! Please, don’t kill me! I can’t die! I’ve never been with a woman!
Bank robber: [to Sharon] You...
Sharon: I have been with a woman!

[Eric is holding a bag full of Wonderfalls souvenirs.]
Eric: I’d like to return these items.
Jaye: Did they break? ‘Cause we sell a lot of crap here.

External links

Wikipedia
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