You Can't Do That on Television

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You Can't Do That on Television (1979–1990) was a sketch-comedy television program for pre-teens produced at CJOH-TV in Ottawa, and aired in the United States on Nickelodeon, in Canada on CTV and YTV, and in other countries around the world.


Contents

Recurring Quotes

  • Kid: [After outsmarting one of the adult characters] Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself. [On occasion, the adult characters would also use this phrase after outsmarting the children.]
  • Kids at Barth's: What/Who do you think's in the burgers?
  • Barth: D'oh, I heard that!
  • Mr. Schidtler: Where does the school board find them and why do they keep sending them to me?!!!
  • El Capitano: That's one sneeeeeky keed!
  • El Capitano: [During the firing squad sketches] Ready, aim...
Kid: Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop the execution!
El Capitano: What is it this time?!
  • Kid: [During the dungeon sketches] But you can't do this, this is torture!
Nasti: I know!
  • One Kid: Either [Insert out-of-the-ordinary occurrence or unusual actions of one particular character here], or this has got to be...
All the Kids: ...just the Introduction to the Opposites!

Season 1 (1979)

Episode One [1.1]

CJOH Shoestring [1.2]

Christine: Some people have asked us, "Why doesn't anyone in the studio laugh at our jokes, like on other comedy shows?" Well, the truth is, they're not really laughing on other comedy shows. What you're hearing is canned laughter, like this. [A few seconds of a canned laugh track plays.] They put that on there to try to make you laugh, in case you don't laugh at their jokes. We, however, do not do this. [Dramatic music begins to play in the background as Christine speaks.] We believe comedy should stand on its own! We have faith in the discernment, intelligence and good taste of you, our viewing audience! -- And also, canned laughter costs a lot; we can't afford it. [The dramatic music abruptly ends.]

Episode Three [1.3]

Episode Four [1.4]

Episode Five [1.5]

Episode Six [1.6]

Episode Seven [1.7]

Bradfield: Dad, what's the definition of "ignorance and apathy"?
Senator Prevert: I don't know, and I don't give a sh-... care.

Episode Eight [1.8]

Executive Washrooms [1.9]

[Mr. Schidtler is returning test papers]
Sarah: Hey Moose, I think he likes me!
Christine: What makes you say that?
Sarah: Well, he put all these kisses on my paper!
[Sarah shows Christine her test paper covered with red "X"'s]
Christine: She's so naive.

Episode Ten [1.10]

Episode Eleven [1.11]

Episode Twelve [1.12]

Episode Thirteen [1.13]

Season 2 (1981)

Work [2.1]

Transportation [2.2]

Strike Now [2.3]

a blooper from the original live and local version of this episode, as aired in 1981 on CJOH:
Kevin Kubusheskie: So, come on down to Camp Fortune, because... (gets blank look on his face, and turns to Moose) ...because???
Christine: (still walking around the link set carrying her "On Strike" sign) Listen, I'm not gonna tell ya they have to answer the question, all right?
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and answer a simple question. ... What is it, Rod?
Rodney: Well, the question is, "What is the name of our floor director"?
Christine: HEY! Hey, I know that one! Yeah, I know, I know!
Ross: No, wait a minute, you can't play, because you're on strike! Heh heh!
Christine: Aw...
Kevin Schenk: Anyway, if you see our Mystery Skiier, all you have to do is come down to Camp Fortune, and find out what Ross's name is. (realizes what he has just said) Ross? ... Aww....
Christine: (smacks Kevin in the head with her sign) Youuuuuuu LUNKHEAD! Ugh! ... Well, what about the last thing?
Kevin K.: (blankly) What last thing?
Christine: The Roving Camera! JEEZ!
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and that's where our Roving Camera will be, so come on down and tell a joke or give us your views on dating... (grins mischeviously) girls.
Christine: Oh, and boys! Don't forget boys!
Kevin S.: Shut up, Moose, you're on strike!

Dating [2.4]

Fitness [1.5]

Safety First [2.6]

Christine: On water safety - the safest thing to do on this show is not to mention water.
[Christine is drenched and shrieks]
Christine: See what I mean?
[More water is poured on Christine, and she shrieks again]

Sexual Equality [2.7]

Rodney: In my school, they have washrooms for boys, washrooms for girls, and washrooms for teachers. Now, what I want to know is, are teachers a different sex from everyone else?

Brodie: They think with all these jokes about washrooms, I'm going to be dumb enough to mention water? Well, I'm NOT! ... Oh, no... I just did!
[Christine throws a bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: That's not fair!
Christine: Oh, yes it is. You guys wanted to do the links just like me! Well, that's what happens to me every week - sometimes TWICE.
[Christine throws another bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: Now that was truly not fair!

Brodie: [Sees Christine standing above him on a ladder, holding a bucket of slime] What are you doing up there, Moose?
Christine: Well, I'm just standing here with this bucket full of coagulating green slime, waiting for you to say the magic words so I can dump it all over you.
Brodie: What magic words?
Christine: The magic words, "I don't know"! ... Oops, I didn't say that, did I? Oh no...
[Christine is slimed, and Brodie laughs hysterically]
Christine: That's not fair! I didn't - I - I - I...

Personal Hygiene [2.8]

Smoking [2.9]

Crime & Vandalism [2.10]

Drugs [2.11]

Christine: As you may have guessed this week's show is about drugs. Except we can't really make it about drugs or we'd get taken off the air. 'You can't do that on television.' Anyway. The idea that anyone would want to push a custard pie in their own face is just about as stupid as the idea that anyone would want to harm their bodies with dangereous and additive drugs, I mean custard pies. Sure they're kinda fun, but I don't need them. I mean I'm not addicted to them or anything! Excuse me.
[Walks off stage to a table of custard pies]
Christine: You don't have to follow me with that camera. I finished the introduction. Can't a girl get any pies in privacy....any privacy for pies? I don't need them...
[In walk 3 other cast members. Their faces are covered with custard pie remnants]
Kevin: Listen man, you gotta splat pies sometime.
Christine: No, Kevin, I don't gotta do nothing.
Mike: It's good for you man, gives you a nice sticky feeling on your face.
Angie: It's not bad for you Christine. You won't get addicted or anything.
[Kevin splats a pie in his face]
Christine: I just don't understand the point. You spend all your money on pies. You mess yourself up. Your clothes...your school work suffers... You get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.
Kevin: Listen sister, don't knock it til you try it.
Christine: Well I'm not going to try it. I think you guys are all deplorable.
[Christine walks off leaving the remaing 3 with the pies on the table]
Mike: Waste not. Want not.
Kevin: Right on.
[The rest remain and continue to splat pies in their faces repeatedly]

Angie: [With pie cream remnants smeared all over her face] What I want to know is, how can my mother tell I'm a custard pie user?

[Kevin Schenk walks up to Angie and pulls her string.]
Angie: Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.
Kevin: Angie, how do I stop smoking?
Angie: Where there's smoke, there's fire.
[Angie dumps a bucket of water over Kevin's head.]

[Another "Angie the Talking Doll" sketch.]
Angie: Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.
Kevin: Angie, do you splat pies?
Angie: I may be stuffed with sawdust, kid, but I'm not that stupid!

Nutrition[2.12]

Peer Pressure [2.13]

Season 3 (1982)

Cosmetics [3.1]

Elizabeth was sent to detention for putting on makeup in class, and has just been busted by the principal for putting on more makeup in detention.
Principal: Elizabeth, you know it's against the rules to wear makeup during school hours!
Elizabeth: But sir, it's after school hours now, isn't it?
Principal: It's still against the rules to wear makeup in school.
Elizabeth: Oh, dear. Well, I don't want to break any more rules. I guess I'd better leave right away.
Principal: I guess you'd better. And let this be a lesson to you, never to wear makeup in school again.
Elizabeth: All right, I won't. [She leaves]
Principal: [Suddenly realizing he's been tricked] ...Wait a minute!... Just once, why can't I win just once?!

Lisa: Christine, do you ever use face cream?
Christine: Yeah, once in a while I'll put some on, just to keep my skin from drying out.
Lisa: Well, I have found a brand new one that works wonders and is very cheap!
Christine: Oh, great! Let me have some.
Lisa: Yes, it's called, "Face Cream Pie."
Christine: "Face Cream Pie"...
[Lisa shoves a pie into Christine's face]
Christine: Someday, Lisa Ruddy, pow - right in the kisser.

Addictions [3.2]

Popularity [3.3]

Fads & Fashions [3.4]

[Doug enters the living room wearing a kilt]
Mr. Prevert: Ha! When I was your age, I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing a skirt!
Doug: It's not a skirt, it's a kilt. And when you were my age, probably all you had to wear was dinosaur skins.
Mr. Prevert: Actually, they were sabre-toothed tiger skins. Dinosaur skins went out with the caveman.

[An Opposite Sketch. In this sketch, Christine, Lisa and Doug lean in progressively closer toward Kevin, who is wearing a leather jacket, and finally are leaning in so close that he falls out of his desk.]
Christine: Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!
Lisa: ...Who dresses like a punk!
Doug: ...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!
Christine: ...Who's not a big sissy!

Vacations [3.5]

Rip-Offs [3.6]

Bullying [3.7]

Culture Junk [3.8]

[An Opposite Sketch. A young man comes in wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses, carrying a violin case]
Mr. Prevert: Hey Kevin! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that? [points to the violin case]
Kevin: I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.
[Kevin opens the violin case to reveal a machine gun]
Mr Prevert: I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!

Television [3.9]

[An Opposite Sketch. Kevin and Lisa are watching TV in the bedroom, and there are some near-erotic sounds coming from the TV, in Kevin and Lisa's voices: "Oh, Kevin!" "Oh, Lisa!" Suddenly there's a knock at the door]
Lisa: Uh oh...
Mrs. Prevert: Lisa, have you got that television set on in there?!
Lisa: Uh, no Mom!
Mrs. Prevert: Well then, what's going on in there? I heard voices.
Lisa: I've got a boy in here with me!
Mrs. Prevert: Well, that's okay then. Just don't let me catch you with that television set on.
Lisa: Right, Mom! [To Kevin] We've got her mad now; I guess we'd better turn it off!
Kevin: Just as it was getting interesting!
Lisa: What do we do now?
Kevin: Got any cards?

Announcer: You Can't Do That On Television can now be seen in Prime Slime Viewing Hours.
Christine: Don't you mean, "Prime Time" Viewing Hours?
[Christine is slimed]
Announcer: [Laughing] Nope, I mean, "Prime Slime" Viewing Hours!
Christine: Figures. What else? ... Thanks!

Heroes [3.11]

[Two Boy Scouts are sitting on a house's front porch with a case of bottled beer
Boy Scouts: [Singing with drunk voices] Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer...
Scoutmaster: [Blows whistle] Empty bottles! You were supposed to collect empty bottles!
Boy Scout: [in a drunk voice] We've been emptying them.... [Belch]

The-Not-So-Fair Show (Justice/Injustice) [3.12]

Christine: [Takes a fingerful of icing from the chocolate cake before her on the table, then thinks better of it] Oh... no, I can't do it. It's a good thing I stopped myself in time. A little chocolate cake binge would have meant another five pounds. Oh, I wish I was thin!
[A puff of smoke, and the Unfairy Godmother appears]
Unfairy Godmother: Sorry, but I had trouble hearing that last part.
Christine: I said I wish I was thinner.
Unfairy Godmother: Thinner! And so you shall be!
[Another puff of smoke, and Christine is changed into a can of Paint Thinner]
Unfairy Godmother: The Unfairy Godmother strikes again! ... Wait a minute, I just thought of something; I was going to paint my gazebo this weekend. [Picks up the can of paint thinner and walks off]

Growing Up [3.13]

Christine: You know, when you're doing a TV show and you're trying to remember your lines like I am right now, you tend to develop a lot of really strange fears. Sometimes you'll forget some of the teapots. ... No, no, what I meant to say is sometimes you'll forget some of the whips. ... Okay, the words. Sometimes you'll forget the words, and you'll leave out an important cabbage. ... Forget it, let's just go on to the next cream pie.

Season 4 (1983)

Pets [4.1]

Rules and Regulations [4.2]

Manners or Bad Habits [4.3]

[The classroom. Lisa is jabbering away to Christine, who is sitting in the desk behind her, and doesn't hear Mr. Schidtler call her name several times.]
Mr. Schidtler: LISA!!!!!
Lisa: What?!
Mr. Schidtler: Lisa, please do not talk with your mouth open.
Lisa: Sir, don't you mean "Do not talk with your mouth full"?
Mr. Schidtler: No, I mean, "Do not talk with your mouth open."
Lisa: Well, how else am I supposed to talk?!
Mr. Schidtler: Exactly.
[The rest of the classroom erupts in applause]

Christine: [Reading aloud from the show's producers' book of etiquette, on table manners] "It is generally considered impolite to wolf your cookies while reciting your multiplication tables."

Medicine [4.4]

Mrs. Prevert: How many times do I have to tell you...
Lisa: Aw, Mom...
Mrs. Prevert: Don't "Aw, Mom" me! How many times do I have to tell you not to play Doctor with that Johnny!
Lisa: But Mom, there's nothing wrong in that!
Mrs. Prevert: "Nothing wrong in that"?! I've told you again and again, Johnny is a specialist! It's costing us a fortune! If you're going to play Doctor, I want you to play it with Ralph. He's a general practitioner.

Future World [4.5]

Newsboy: Did you see my picture in the paper yesterday, sir? I'm carrier of the week.
Mr. Prevert: I never read the newspaper, son.
Newsboy: That's what everyone says on my route. No one ever reads their papers anymore.
Mr. Prevert: That's right, everyone gets their news from the teletext on TV.
Newsboy: Then why do you all still get a newspaper?
Mr. Prevert: Cause we haven't found any way to wrap up kitty litter in a television set.

Mrs. Prevert [to Dougie, her son] So you see Dougie dear, as long as we have more and bigger bombs than the Russians, there will never have a nuclear war. So I want you to go to sleep now and tomorrow I'll tell you another fairy tale.

Media [4.6]

Inequality: Kids vs Adults [4.7]

Nature [4.8]

Cooking [4.9]

Corey: I can't stand to eat any more of this junk Barth tries to pass off as food. His cooking's disgusting!
Christine: Oh, it's not that bad. In fact, did you know that Barth is one of the most sought-after chefs in the entire country?
Corey: You've got to be kidding.
Christine: Oh, no - he's wanted in seventeen states for food poisoning.
Barth: D'oh, I heard that!

Classical Music [4.10]

Christine: [Introducing the show] Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television, another in a series of sour notes.

Rumors [4.11]

Fame [4.12]

Priorities [4.13]

Ross: CUE!
Christine: I haven't read the script! I don't know what today's show...
[Christine is slimed]
Christine: ...is about.
Ross: [Laughing] It's about Priorities!
Christine: Priorities, huh? Yah. Well, I think that from now on, my biggest priority in life will be, never again to say "I don't know".
[Christine is slimed again]

Season 5 (1984)

Friends [5.1]

ESP - Magic Astrology [5.2]

Hobbies [5.3]

Christine: You know, the producers of this show collect something... idiots.

History [5.4]

Courage [5.5]

Body Parts [5.6]

Marketing [5.7]

Foreign Countries [5.8]

Pauline: Hey Angie, did you know I can speak a foreign language?
Angie: Really? I didn't know that, let me hear you.
Pauline: "Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having."
Angie: "Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having"? That's not a foreign language!
Pauline: Yes it is, it's English.
Angie: Well, I know it's English.
Pauline: Well, England is a foreign country.

Literature [5.9]

Moving [5.10]

Technology [5.11]

Christine: Okay, all of you who want to hear nothing but silence coming from Lisa Ruddy...
Lisa: Oh please, oh please, I know I must have a fan out there somewhere, if you write me I'll say your name, oh please, oh...
Christine: ...Please touch the green square now!
Lisa: Oh please, oh please, oh...
[The audience "votes" for Lisa to lose her voice. Lisa immediately shuts up.]
Christine: Aww, too bad Lisa, I guess all your fans were out to lunch today!
[Lisa holds up a sign that says, "I'LL GET YOU MOOSE!"]

Christine: [Reading Lisa's note] "My link is the introduction to the commercials, and if we don't have any commercials, we don't get paid." ... Oh, I get it! It's time to test the audience voting device again! Okay now, everybody who wants to see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, go ahead and touch the green square on the bottom of your screen. Touch now!
[The vote fails. Lisa writes Christine another note.]
Christine: [Reading note] "Try something more imaginative." ... Oh, I know! Eugene, come here, sit down.
[Eugene Contreras walks over and sits down]
Christine: Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene here, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, touch the green square on the bottom of your screen.
[The vote fails again.]
Christine: Okay, I've got it this time. Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, and see Vanessa... where's Vanessa?
[Vanessa Lindores walks over and sits down]
Christine: And see Vanessa here get hit with water, just touch the...
[Christine is drenched.]
Christine: ...green square on your screen!
[This time the vote passes. Vanessa is hit with water, and Lisa laughs out loud.]
Christine: Wait a minute! What about the something really horrible that was supposed to happen to Eugene?!
[Eugene gets a pie in the face.]
Lisa: And now it's time for the commercials!

[Vanessa and Eugene are on the school bus and are wearing TV wristwatches.]
Vanessa: These new wristwatch televisions are great. I don't miss the soaps anymore.
Eugene: And I don't miss the football games anymore.
[Snakeeyes is also wearing one and watching it but he is not watching the road.]
Snakeeyes: And I don't miss... [looks ahead] ...THE TREES ANYMORE!! [they crash into a tree.]

Ambition [5.12]

Ben: What's your ambition in life?
Doug: To grow up big and strong.
Ben: Oh, you mean like me?
Doug: No!
Ben: Better watch it, Doug, or you'll never live to fulfill your ambition!
Lisa: Ben, don't talk to Doug like he was a dog! Christine will get very jealous.
Christine: Oh, Lisa?
Lisa: Yes, Moosie?
Christine: Was it always your ambition to become an actress?
Lisa: Why, yes it was.
Christine: What went wrong?

Clubs [5.13]

Holidays [5.14]

Colleges [5.15]

Halloween [5.16]

Christine: [putting a curse on Ross] Tongue of dog, wing of bat. Toe of frog, tail of rat. Sure as kids like a video arcade, it's gonna rain on your parade.

Alasdair: Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Lisa: Actually, no, I just took my little sister around, but it's funny, I got more treats than she did!
Alasdair: Why, what were you wearing?
Lisa: Well, nothing special, just my gray pants and...
Christine: Oh, well that explains it, then.
Lisa: Explains what?
Christine: Well, you were probably the best imitation of an elephant they'd ever seen.
Lisa: Oh, Christine?
Christine: Yes, Lisa?
Lisa: Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Christine: Actually, no, I just stayed home and helped to hand out the treats.
Lisa: I thought so.
Christine: What do you mean?
Lisa: All night long I kept hearing about the "witch" on your street!

Christmas [5.17]

Lisa: Ross, thank you very much for the Christmas bonuses.
Ross: It was nothing.
Christine: Almost!

Politics [5.18]

War [5.19]

Science [5.20]

Christine: You know, Lisa Ruddy always reminded me of a fossil.
Lisa: Well thank you very much, Christine. You mean you think I make a lasting impression?
Christine: Well, there's that, and there's the fact that your head is as hard as a rock.

Divorce [5.21]

Families [5.22]

Malls or Hangouts [5.23]

Christine: Hey, Adam?
Adam: Yes, Christine?
Christine: Have you noticed that lately Lisa's been hanging out a lot?
Adam: Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...
Christine: No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...
Lisa: Are you finished?!!
...
Christine: Hey, Lisa?
Lisa: What?!
Christine: Listen, I'm sorry about that joke about "hanging out." I didn't make it up, you know, I just recite my lines.
Lisa: ...Yeah, I know.
Christine: You know, sometimes I wish we could just stop making jokes about peoples' bodies. They're stupid, I mean, why can't we joke about something else, like, you know, personality?
Lisa: But Christine, how can we make jokes about something you don't even have?
Christine: LISA!!!
Lisa: Christine, I'm just reciting my lines.

Seasons or Weather [5.24]

Jealousy [5.25]

Christine: Hi, and welcome to an episode of You Can't Do That On Television that'll really turn your head, and probably your stomach.

Wealth [5.26]

Season 6 (1985)

Romance & Dating [6.1]

Announcer: "Love Connection Short Circuits" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following heartbreaking show.

Identity Crisis [6.2]

Fears, Worries, and Anxieties [6.3]

Relatives [6.4]

Pessimism/Optimism [6.5]

Vanessa: Doug, what's the matter?
Doug: I'm doomed. No one on this show has been slimed yet, and I just know I'm going to be the one to get it.
Vanessa: Cheer up, Doug, you've got to think positive. Anyway, what makes you think you're the one who's going to be slimed?
Doug: You know, you're right, Vanessa. Why should I feel so down? I don't know what came over me!
[Doug is slimed]
Vanessa: Well, I guess sometimes you've just gotta go with your feelings!

Revenge [6.6]

Christine: Justin! You ate all the pancakes!
Justin: I was hungry. Next time don't get up so late.
Christine: "Next" time? What about this time?! I was all set to come in here and pour the syrup over a big stack of hot pancakes!
Justin: Well, find something else to pour your syrup over.
Christine: [Laughing] All right, I will.
[Christine pours the syrup over Justin's head.]
Marjorie: Justin, is that what they call "Sweet Revenge"?
Justin: [Tasting the syrup] Guess so.

Wildlife and Animals [6.7]

Christine: Oh, Lisa?
Lisa: Yes, Moosie?
Christine: How did you learn to act? Did you take acting lessons, or did you just kind of watch other actors?
Lisa: I guess I learned by watching other actors.
Christine: That's what I thought. You know what they say, "Monkey see, monkey do."
Announcer: Wild Wild Kingdom will not be seen at this time. In its place we present a program in which people act like animals.

Outer Space [6.8]

World Records [6.9]

Movies [6.10]

[Christine is doing her screen test for You Can't Do That On Television - The Movie.]
Christine: "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about, because I..." um, I was wondering, would it be possible to change a few lines?
Director Frederico Panzarotti: No, no, Christine, it's gotta be read exactly as it's written.
Christine: Well, it's just that...
Panzarotti: No, no - listen, kid, you wanna be in the movies?
Christine: Yes, of course I do.
Panzarotti: Then READ THE LINES!
Christine: "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about... because I don't know."
[Christine is slimed.]

Lisa: [grousing about having to go to the drive-in movie] Oh, I hate sitting in the car and getting bitten by bugs!
Alasdair: The food is terrible, and the video games at the snack bar are out of date!
Mom: Well, you'll have a nice time, children, really.
Lisa: Are we going to same old stupid drive-in on Highway 41? We're always the only car there!
Sen. Prevert: I'll tell you why we're going there - because that's where I asked your mother to marry me.
Lisa: Oh? Well, what was the movie?
Mom: Bride of Frankenstein.
Lisa: Sounds right to me.
Sen. Prevert: LIIIIISA! Don't encourage your mother!

Season 7 (1986)

Fairy Tales, Myths, and Legends [7.1]

Pop Music [7.2]

Know-It-Alls [7.3]

[Vanessa and Christine are lost in the woods.]
Vanessa: I'm starving! Are these berries edible?
Christine: Vanessa, those are gooseberries. Of course they're edible. They're full of Protein and Vitamin A.
Vanessa: Boy, I sure am glad I got stuck in the woods with an expert like you!
[Vanessa eats some of the berries, and then a few seconds later gasps, clutches her throat, and falls over dead.]
Christine: [Laughing] Of course, silly me! I should have noticed the deep red coloring sooner. This is obviously Deadly Nightshade! Highly poisonous. Boy, do I feel dumb.

Parties [7.4]

Alasdair: Alanis, if you won't go to the network party with me, I'll just have to kill myself, that's all.
Alanis: Oh Alasdair, how touching. I really want to help you... all right.
Alasdair: You'll come?
Alanis: No, I'll go.
Alasdair: Great!
Alanis: I'll go see if I can find my father's gun.

Garbage [7.5]

TV Commercials [7.6]

Mrs. Prevert: Yuck! Oh, however am I going to get rid of all this oven grease?!
[A puff of smoke, and the Jiffy Genie (Doug) appears.]
Jiffy Genie: You need the Jiffy Genie!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, Jiffy Genie, can you get rid of all this oven grease?
Jiffy Genie: In a flash, ma'am!
[The Jiffy Genie waves his hands, there is another puff of smoke, and the oven disappears completely. Mrs. Prevert screams and wails.]
Les: [Voiceover] Yes, with Jiffy Genie, you'll never have oven grease again!
Jiffy Genie: [To camera] You'll never have an oven, period!

[Alasdair Gillis, Doug Ptolemy and Robert Enns are seated on the bench in their football uniforms, furiously scratching their itchy feet.]
Robert: This itching is driving me crazy!
Alasdair: Me too. I wish there were something we could do to get rid of it.
[Enter the Coach, carrying a can of foot powder.]
Coach: Itch no more! He-Man Foot Powder is here! It'll not only cure the itch, but your feet will smell like a rose.
Doug: Just what we've been looking for!
[The boys excitedly sprinkle the powder on their feet.]
Alasdair: OW! This kills!
Coach: But has the itching stopped?
Robert: Yes, the itching has stopped, but now our feet hurt from the thorns!
Coach: And they smell like roses! [To the camera] He-Man Foot Spray! Ya can't take it, yer not a man!

[A door-to-door saleswoman (Alanis) walks up to the Preverts' front door and rings the bell. Mrs. Prevert answers, her red hair in curlers.]
Mrs. Prevert: Yes, dear?
Saleswoman: Ravon Calling! Good morning or afternoon, sir or madam, as the case may be. As advertised on television, we would like to offer you a beauty program that will leave you looking years younger. Try our new beauty cream absolutely free of charge.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, I certainly will! Oh!
[Mrs. Prevert excitedly rubs some of the cream on her cheeks. A puff of smoke, and she is transformed into a little girl.]
Young Mrs. Prevert: Wow, it really works! I feel years younger!
[Young Mrs. Prevert excitedly reaches for more cream.]
Saleswoman: No, don't take any more... I wouldn't recommend it...
[Mrs. Prevert rubs more cream on her cheeks anyway. Another uff of smoke, and she is transformed into an infant.]
Saleswoman: The manual never said anything about this!

Country [7.7]

Back To School [7.8]

Illness [7.9]

Enemies & Paranoia [7.10]

Alanis: Ugh! Mom, this food is disgusting! I wouldn't feed this to my worst enemy.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, neither would I, dear. I love you, Alanis; in fact, no one could be closer to me than you are, so I didn't give it to my worst enemy - I gave it to you. Now EAT IT, young lady, every forkful! There's nothing wrong with pureed rutabager! In! Two, three!

Saving Money [7.11]

Contests [7.12]

Censorship [7.13]

Poverty & Unemployment [7.14]

Luck [7.15]

Part-Time Jobs [7.16]

  • Adam: (repeated line, when he complains to Mom about getting fired from his part-time jobs) It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!
  • Adam: (repeated line, when he complains to Mom about getting fired from his part-time jobs) But no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

Sleep [7.17]

Home [7.18]

Discipline [7.19]

Mysteries & Crime [7.20]

Season 8 (1987)

Books and Reading [8.1]

[Mrs. Prevert is washing a stack of books in the sink.]
Adam: Mom! What are you doing?
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, hello Adam. I was just washing some dirty books I found in your father's closet.
Adam: Mom, you're ruining them!
Mrs. Prevert: (faking concern) Oh, am I, dear?
Adam: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? I'm going to go tell Dad.
Mrs. Prevert: That's a good idea, dear. While you're at it, why don't you tell him that I just finished washing the dirty books I found in your closet. Your father would probably be very pleased to know that you have similar tastes in literature.
Adam: ...Okay, maybe I won't then.
Mrs. Prevert: Wise move.

Adoption [8.2]

Amyas: I dreamed I was adopted!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no, Amyas, you were just having a nightmare, dear.
Amyas: No, it wasn't a nightmare. I dreamed I was adopted by a mother who let me stay up late to watch all my favorite TV shows and never fed me liver and brussels sprouts!
Mrs. Prevert: You know, Amyas, that's a remarkable coincidence. I, too, had a nightmare.
Amyas: Really?
Mrs. Prevert: Yes, nine years ago - YOU. Good night, dear.

City Life [8.3]

Anniversaries [8.4]

Mrs. Prevert: Matthew, I have baked a cake in honour of the most important day in a young man's life!
Doug: Hey, happy birthday, Matt! I didn't know it was your birthday!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no, no, today isn't Matthew's birthday. Today is the anniversary of the day a mother most looks forward to!...
Matthew: Mother, not in front of my friends!...
Mrs. Prevert: Today, is the anniversary, of the day Matthew was potty-trained!
[Matthew puts his head down in embarrassment while the other kids laugh]
Mrs. Prevert: Four years ago today! And to celebrate, I baked a cake in the shape of a potty, with little bits of... well, made out of chocolate.
Barth [in Barth's Burgery]: D'oh, why use chocolate? What's wrong with the real, natural ingredients?

Smells [8.5]

Season 9 (1989)

Choices [9.1]

Chores [9.2]

Communication [9.3]

Fitness [9.4]

Malfunctions [9.5]

Cleanliness [9.6]

Security [9.7]

Pollution [9.8]

Fantasies [9.9]

Time [9.10]

(Mr. and Mrs. Prevert, Chris and Sariya are sitting around the dinner table eating.)
Mr. Prevert: Y'know, Chris, I know that when I was going to high school, none of the girls was as pretty as Sariya here.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, but Lance, you and I were in high school together, dear.
Mr. Prevert: Yeah, right.
Mrs. Prevert: You know, Sariya, back in those days, all the girls talked about Chris's father. They couldn't believe any boy had so many zits or such bad breath. The only reason I went out with him is because I felt sorry for him... well, I lost a bet.
Sariya: Mrs. Prevert, I can't believe you would say such a thing.
Mrs. Prevert: Really, dear?
Sariya: That's the exact same reason why I agreed to go out with Chris! (She and Mom both stick their tongues out triumphantly at a chagrined Chris and Mr. Prevert.)

Mistakes [9.11]

Punishment [9.12]

Ross Ewich: We've decided that during each link on this show, one of you is going to say the magic words.
Carlos: What magic words, Ross?
Ross: I d-... you know what words! Now Carlos, say them!
Carlos: Me? Why should I say them? No way!
Ross: I am ordering you to!
Carlos: Ross, I don't know who you think you are, but...
[Carlos is slimed]
Carlos: ...but there is no way, I'm going to get, green slimed.
[The other kids and Ross laugh]

Mrs. Prevert: (on the phone) I'm sorry, Jennifer can't come to the telephone right now; she's tied up.
(Camera pans out to reveal that Jennifer is literally tied to the armchair.)
Mrs. Prevert: (to Jennifer) And you're going to stay tied up, young lady, until you learn to stop picking your nose!
Jennifer: Mom, as well as not being able to pick my nose, I won't be able to do my homework or my chores, either.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh. Well, then I guess I'd... Oh no you don't, young lady! I'm not falling for that! You never do any homework, and you certainly don't ever do any chores. So ha ha, one for me.
(Mrs. Prevert turns on the TV.)
TV Announcer: For the next five hours, we here at Educational Television are proud to present a performance by the Iranian String Quartet.
Mrs. Prevert: (to a horrified Jennifer) You won't be able to change the channel, either.

Beliefs [9.13]

Age [9.14]

Excess [9.15]

[Kevin gets back in bed as we hear a toilet flush. His mom walks in.]
Mom: Did you just go to the bathroom again, Kevin?
Kevin: [sighing] Yes, Mom!
Mom: Well, you're going in the middle of the night far too often. You're waking everybody up!
Kevin: Well, fine! What do you want me to do? Get up and go to the bathroom, or stay in bed and go to the bathroom?!
Mom: Yes.
Kevin: Yes, what?
Mom: Stay in bed. I'll just put this diaper on you...
[A loud farting noise is heard.]
Kevin: Oh no, too late!

Looking Cool [9.16]

Sariya: I can hardly wait to get slimed!
Chris: Oh, and what makes you so sure you're going to get slimed?
Jill: Well, it can't be you, Chris. You just got watered.
[Jill is drenched]
Carlos: Not everyone can be cool, and I haven't been slimed in a long time! I don't know why!!!
[Carlos is slimed]
Jill: Sure, Carlos, go ahead, be greedy. "Well, I don't know!"
[Jill is slimed]
Christian and Sariya: We don't know!
[Christian and Sariya are both slimed at once]
Amyas: Guess what... I don't know!
[Amyas is slimed]
Chris: If being slimed is suddenly the cool thing to do, then I simply don't know what this could be except...
[Chris is slimed]
All the Kids: ...the Introduction to the Opposites!

[The end of the opposites. The kids are all still covered in slime from earlier, but they now look horrified.]
Jill: Oh, I messed up really good now!
Carlos: I can't believe we thought that being slimed was so cool! I don't know how we could have been so stupid! [he gets slimed again]

Lost [9.17]

Failure [9.18]

First Times [9.19]

Mrs. Prevert: Chris, you were our first child!
Chris Bickford: [Bumps heads with Valerie] OW!
Mrs. Prevert: And Stephanie, you were our second child. And Ted...
Ted Wilson: Third time lucky, Mom?
Mrs. Prevert: No, actually, Ted, you were another first.
Ted: All right!
Mrs. Prevert: ...Our first big mistake.

Celebrations [9.20]

Effort [9.21]

Sports [9.22]

Smoking [9.23]

Generosity [9.24]

Embarrassment [9.25]

Season 10 (1990)

Blame [10.1]

Jennifer: (filming the pots and pans on the stove, which are boiling over, with a video camera) And... Cue!
Mrs. Prevert: (enters the kitchen, sees the pots and pans boiling over, and shrieks) My dinner party... ruined! Jennifer, how could you?!
Jennifer: How could I what?
Mrs. Prevert: You said you would watch the pots and pans!
Jennifer: Well, yes, I was watching them. Better than that, I was videotaping them!
Mrs. Prevert: Then WHY didn't you turn them OFF?
Jennifer: Well, you said to watch the pots and pans. You said nothing about turning them off when they started to boil over. Say what you mean, Mom.

Amy: (in bed) Mom, Dad, can I have a glass of water?
(Amy is watered.)
Mrs. Prevert: (enters bedroom carrying water glass) You know, Amy, you're a big girl, you could be doing this your-... AMY! You wet the bed again! You're supposed to be a big girl, young lady! I'm going to have to put you back into diapers!
Amy: But Mom, it wasn't me, it...
Mrs. Prevert: Now, Amy, don't lie to me. If you didn't wet this bed, who did?
Amy: Well... I don't know...
(Amy is slimed.)
Mrs. Prevert: Now look what you've done, young lady. (holds out water glass to Amy) Drink?

Secrets [10.2]

Learning [10.3]

Privileges [10.4]

Inventions [10.5]

External links