A woman who could always love would never grow old; and the love of mother and wife would often give or preserve many charms if it were not too often combined with parental and conjugal anger. There remains in the face of women who are naturally serene and peaceful, and of those rendered so by religion, an after-spring, and later an after-summer, the reflex of their most beautiful bloom.Jean Paul Richter
Zach Galifianakis (born October 1, 1969 in Wilkesboro, North Carolina) is a Greek-American comedian, actor, and writer.
"Live at the Purple Onion"
- When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck-E-Cheese.
- Last night I drank so much I African-Americaned out.
- I'm a youth minister in charge of youth chili cook-offs. (as Seth)
- Fugees and Funyuns. (as Seth)
- What was it that Noam Chomsky said about eating pussy?
- If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love them. They're exactly... well they're not exactly alike, but they're a little bit alike.
- Fucking boring! Seriously! Goddammit! This is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit! I gotta sell this motherfucker!
- I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People.
- Growing up, I was the only straight guy in an all-gay high school.
- I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name. (written)
- Here's another character I've come up with called The Forgetful Vegan...The Forgetful Vegan...[smacks lips] "Mmmmmmm, that was some good pepperoni piz...aw, FUCK!"
- Can you get an STD from a polar bear?
- Maybe we should clarify something. When you won the race last night, that made you king of the mountain. Not king of the no-ball-pussy-losers. They already have their own king. My brother.
- No regrets, that's my motto. Well... that and everyone Wang Chung tonight.
- This suit is really cramping my Hardy Boys. It's no mystery.
- Well, yeah it doesn't really allow my dice to roll and by dice I mean testicles. Speaking of testicles, let me get a beer.
- [drunk] There you are, I've been looking for you, come inside, you look so beautiful and I wanted to see if you wanted to dance. [Anna walks up] Not you, him and his white tuxedo
- He's had a crush on that bench for years.
- You know I hate what they're doing to the mountain, but this is the best vanilla latte I have ever had. You can actually taste the vanilla beans... I don't like the coffee.
- [punches Pig Pen] A little sensitivity here. Can't you see this is a dejected man? Now Rick, get your dejected head out of your ass. Papa wanted you to run this mountain.
- At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted? I think seven, because that's about the time he starts to think, "I don't look like Kiwanis club."
- You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
- Now, I'm not an impressionist, but I do have this character voice I've been working on I call "The Guy Who's *WAY* Too Into the 'Garfield' Movie". (clears throat, begins to speak effeminately) Oh, my GOD! Have you seen the GARFIELD movie? It's HI-LARIOUS! He wears SUNGLASSES! And then there's this part where he eats all this LASAGNA! Of course, Odie's up to HIS old tricks! (normal voice) Like I said, just something I'm working on.
- You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
- My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
- I was at an Arby's today and I thought to myself, "Oh shit, I should be taking someone's order!"
- Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT! "
- Reality shows are big now, Survivor , Temptation Island, The Mole. I want to make a show with three racist white people that live in the South Bronx. It will be called ...Cracker Hunt.
- I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."
- This country is fucking dumb, why are people takin' this…people with this Bush administration all this shit going on, there should be a revolution happening… I would lead it but I just bought a hammock.
- I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
- My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
- I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."
At the piano
- Whenever my Asian roommate walks in the door, I play this. [plays a very stereotypical chinese tune] And she says "Zach, why do you do that every time I come in the room?" and I say "Because I don't have a gong."
- I'm taking an acting class online; it's easy.
- My name is Zach Galifianakis, and growing up my Dad had a saying for our last name: "it begins with a 'Gal' and ends in a Kiss". I'd be like that's great dad but can we get it changed to "GalifianaFUCK please?".
- One time, I stuck an altoid in my butthole. [pause] That's it.
- How come girls can say, 'I'm going to go to brunch with my girlfriend', and no one assumes anything, but when I say, 'My boyfriend and I are going shopping for fanny packs', everyone thinks I'm a gay? - that's right, A gay.
- My New Year's resolution was to stop saying "you go girl" to myself.
- You know what I like to do when i'm making out with a woman? I like to whisper in her ear "Would you like to touch my vagina"...and she's like "WHAT!?!" and I'm like...[whispering] "that's what you're supposed to say."
- For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey.
- Three years ago my sister was diagnosed with multiple personality syndrome...and there's nothing funny about that. but the other day she phoned me, and my caller I.D. exploded.
- I wonder if deaf people have a sign for "talk to the hand."
- I really want to leave New York City, but I just put 6,000 dollars on my Metrocard.
- You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name. And you've never been to that bar before.
- I'm greek and I have sinus problems and I know why. My body produces feta cheese. It's not really a joke. It's just a fact...allow me to open up.
- Have you ever been so drunk you wet the bed? Not even sleeping, just standing over, pissing on it?
- I want to start an all-boy Country trio, and call it The Chixie Dicks.
- I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night. So I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, "Who's the boss now?"
- Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realized you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone...and then said "I'll take it!"
- I like to go to really bad movies in their fourth week, when there's no one but me and one other person in the theatre, and I like to sit right next to them. And their like "excuse me", and I'm like "Shhh...I can't hear Keanu."
- Sometimes, I like to glue my spare change to my face. Then, when a homeless person comes up to me and asks "Do you have any spare change?" I get to say "Sorry, it's glued to my face."
Written jokes while Zach is silent
- I look like a fat Jesus, Not Phat Jesus
- My dream is to move to India, or Pakistan. And become a cab driver.
- I have horrible luck with women.......and it's all my fault.
- Hookers don't like to snuggle.
- A girl I was dating once told me on the phone, "Can you hold? There's a telemarketer on the other line."
- My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.
- Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.
- I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock
- I call my balls the Bush Twins
- I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's ok to say, 'I have diarrhea,' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points.
- (After being asked if he was classically trained) I'm classically trained... just not in piano.
- This year my New Year's resolution was to stop saying "Seacrest out!" after I ejaculate.
- I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like, "Yeah, right." I said, "No, I am." He goes, "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.
- You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"
- I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
- When you look like me it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese. Especially if you have a sketch pad.
- The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."
- Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
- I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.
- I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
- I'm working on a screenplay. It's called "Schindler's List 2: Let's Get this Party Started".
- Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.
- Katie Holmes called my beard for advice.
- I wanna open up a maternity shop and call it "We're fucked".
- I wanna open up a cross-dresser store, and call it "Susan B. Anthony".
- With a name like Smuckers, it has to be God.
- My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I tried to tell my brother that joke but he kept getting distracted by my shoelaces.
- The president's dog's name is Mizz Beasley. I can't believe the president's dog and my penis have the same name.
- My southern accent starts to come out a little when I drink. Like I'll say "Y'all" or "Niggers" or things like "Y'all niggers git away from me."
- I like to use Axe body spray, but I live in a very black area of Brooklyn. Over there, they call it Ask. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist.
- Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes...with salad tongs.
- I tried to put some ecstasy in some Diet Snapple.
- I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"
- Am I the only one tired of this Ben Franklin motherfucker? Electricity? What the fuck is he talking about?
- I like to go into really hip record stores and ask for CDs of bands that have never existed. "Uh, ya, do you have the new Boogerstash?"
- Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading on line that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing."
- Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
- I'll tell you something that a girl does not like for you to whisper in her ear, and that is "I'm going to perform Jihad on your vagina".
To Patton Oswalt (Patton vs. Alcohol vs. Zach vs. Patton)
- Finally, a funny joke.
- Hold on everyone, a tortoise just passed out.
- No one cares about your riffs, your bits. You're so drunk...these are mannequins, Goddammit.
- Well I just wish I was in a really cool show like "King of Queens." Really artistic and avant-garde like "King of Queens."
- My dream was always to be in "Blade 3."
- I would just like to request something; it's this bit you used to do called "The Ending."
- Patton: Do you get cheers for your jokes? No you don't.
- Zach: Yeah, that's because I haven't been doing stuff from 1985.
- So when you go and snatch that gravy up from the customers, you'll be prepared.