The Suite Life of Zack and Cody

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What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
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The Suite Life of Zack & Cody is a family sitcom about two teenage identical twins, Zack and Cody Martin


Season 1

Hotel Hangout [1.1]

  • London: Maddie! Good news!
    Maddie: Me, too!
    London: Me first: I got a D+ in math!
    Maddie: (Confused) That's good news?
    London: Yeah! Thanks to you, I passed. My daddy got me a plasma TV!
    Maddie: Wow, all I get when I get an A+ is an extra slice of pie!
    London: Is that your good news?
    Maddie: No, I took your advice and broke up with Lance. I was blunt... I was direct... and if I do say so myself I was pretty darn mean!
    London: So I learned something from you and you learned something from me!
    Maddie: Yeah! And now you have a plasma TV and... I don't have a boyfriend.
    London: So everybody's happy!
  • Carey: Mr. Moseby, every little problem with you is like, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
    (A satellite dish falls from the roof of the hotel, frightening Moseby and Carey)
    Moseby: Sometimes Chicken Little knows what he's talking about!
  • Max: Moseby, you run a nice place here.
    Moseby: Thanks, son.
    Max: I'm a girl.
    Moseby: (Monotone) Mmm-hmm.
  • Max: (To Zack and Cody) Drew will never accept you. Don't beat your heads on the wall.
    Tapeworm: Even though it feels good sometimes!
  • Maddie: I can't believe I'm going out with him again!
    London: I can't believe I might have to wear plaid!
    Maddie: Teach me to be mean!
    London: Teach me to be smart!
    Both: Help me!
    Maddie: Get off me!

The Fairest of Them All [1.2]

  • London: (Talking about what she wanted to be when she grew up) I wanted to be an heiress. And I did it! Yay, me! (claps)
    Maddie: Oh, yeah. It takes someone real special to be born rich.
    London: (believing Maddie) Thank you!
  • Zack: (To Cody) This is probably the most boringest hotel! in the history of boring hotels!
    Cody: Oh, Zack! (Turns Zack around so that he is looking at a bunch of girls who had just walked into the hotel.)
    Zack: I LOVE this hotel!
  • Brianna and her mom push their way to the front desk with rude "Excuse Me!" comments.
    Brianna's Mom: (southern accent) I need to speak to the manager (rings desk bell) right away.
    Moseby: Marion Moseby at your service.
    Brianna's Mom: Well, Mary Ann, my Brianna is the odds-on favorite to win this year's Universal Mini-Miss beauty pageant.
    Moseby: I've already started working on your personal requests: foot roller, high wattage makeup mirror, and a bucket of fried possum fingers.
    Brianna's Mom: Thank you. (honking from outside) 'Scuse me, my house is double parked.
    Moseby: (to clerk) Remind me to count the towels in their suite.
  • Maddie: I hate beauty pagents!
    Carey: I know. I never won one either.
    Maddie: The point is, people award girls for being shallow, plastic robots. What kind of superficial airhead thinks that's cool?
    (London walks out of the elevator wearing a beauty pageant sash)
    London: Isn't this cool!?
    Maddie: Oh, that kind.
  • Zack and Cody: Mom, Please!?
    Carey: Guys, What's wrong with your old bikes? They're still good perfectly .
    Zack: Mom, they're tricycles.
  • Brianna's Mom: (pulls something out of her mouth) You know, these rose color candies are horrible.
    Moseby: That's soap, madam.
    Brianna's Mom: Well, then they're pretty dang good. (puts soap back in her mouth)
  • Carey: (to Cody) Are you wearing lipstick?
    Zack: Yeah, I put it on him. That's what the fight was about.
    Carey: (to Zack) That wasn't very nice! (She turns to Cody) And that's not your shade.
  • Brianna's Mom: Mary Ann where can I dump my port-a-potty?
    Moseby: If you will excuse me, I have to help the Queen with her throne!
  • Carey: Cody, why are you wearing a dress?
    Zack: We did it to win money for bikes.
    Carey: Oh, thank Goodness!
  • Brianna's Mom: Mary Ann, I'm just letting you know I am not paying for this cause I didn't like it.
    Moseby: I'll waive the fee Madam, I understand what it's like to have to look at something utterly repulsive.
    Brianna's Mom: (not getting the subtle insult) Thank you.

Maddie Checks In [1.3]

  • (Maddie is not sure if she likes Jason, then hears him tell his friend to recycle.)
    Maddie: You recycle?
    Jason: Sure, bottles, cans, everything.
    Maddie: Since when?
    Jason: Since my father bought Oregon and started chopping down trees. You ever heard of Octicorp?
    Maddie: The center of all evil?
    Jason: That's Dad!
    Maddie: (shrugging away) Ah, I protest against them.
    Jason: Me too!
    Maddie: (excited) I got dragged off by a cop!
    Jason: I got grounded for two weeks.
  • Zack: First we have to get you an imperial suite.
    Maddie: Have you any idea how expensive those are?
    Cody: Ahh, that's cute. She thought we were going to pay.
    Zack: No. We don't pay Baby!
  • Moseby: London, it's unseemly for a young girl to go to the concert alone with two boys, especially after your father saw that picture in the tabloids.
    London: I'm not going alone. Maddie's coming and no one will have any fun with her around.
    Moseby: Good point.
  • Maddie: Why are you asking me to go with you?
    London: Because I'm nice. Duh!!
    Maddie gives her a skeptical look.
    London: OK, Moseby won't let me go unless I bring a guaranteed killjoy. So will you go?
    Maddie: As heartfelt as it
  • As Maddie and Jason are about to kiss they hear Zack and Cody, who are spying through the suite peephole, stumble
    Jason: What was that?
    Maddie: Cats... Big cats.
  • Jason: (hesitantly) So uh.. I guess I should say good-bye. Or uh.. you could invite me into your suite..?
    Maddie: (smiling at him) My sweet what?
    Jason (stares at her)
    Maddie: (dawning on her) Oh my suite! In the hotel where I live because I'm rich.
  • Carey: So, word on the street is Jason's pretty cute.
    Maddie: Yes, he thinks I am the nicest, loveliest, down-to-earth rich girl he's ever met.
    Carey: Whoa, back up. Rich?
    Maddie: It's complicated. I was doing London a favor. It's not like I wanted to do it.
    Carey: Yes it must have been torture to kiss that boy.
    Maddie gives her a quizzical look.
    Carey: (looking at Zack & Cody) Cats told me.
  • Cody: We'll help you with Jason.
    Zack: Why would I wanna help my future wife hook up with some other dude?
    Cody: Because he's leaving tomorrow and she'll owe you big time.
    Zack: Okay!
  • Cody: Is there a hall of fame for this kind of stuff?
    Moseby: Yes. It's called prison.
  • The Amputator: There's two of them?
    Moseby: Except in my dreams, where I see them by the hundreds!
  • Mrs. Harrington: I think it's so nice that this wonderful young girl lets a struggling singer and her two twin boys live in her suite.
    Carey: Yes, it's so much nicer than the mini-van we used to live in.
  • Zack: (seeing Jason and Maddie kissing) Again! How many times are they going to say goodbye?
    Cody: Get over it.

Hotel Inspector [1.4]

  • Zack: I ran after that, he scares me!
    Carey: Mr .Moseby's just doing his job. He needs to keep this hotel running smooth and you tend to be un-smooth.
    Cody: Yeah, un-smooth like when mom doesn't shave her legs for two weeks.
  • Ilsa: Get this dog off of me!
    London: (In a non-caring tone) Stop, Bad Dog, No.
  • Ilsa: Theese is not a hotel! Theese is a circus! The cats, The rats, the dogs, the twins - all that's missing is a bearded lady. (Moseby opens his mouth) Watch it!
  • Zack: So, is the evil hotel inspector gone yet?
    Inspector: No, she's right here.
    Zack: Whoa! What's that on her face?
    (Carey covers Zack's mouth)
    Moseby: It's a beauty mark!
    Cody: It has a hair on it!
    (Carey covers Cody's mouth)
    Carey: It's a good thing I don't have triplets! I would run out of hands!
  • Moseby: No hard feelings?
    (extends hand to shake Ilsa's)
    (takes hand away)

Grounded on the 23rd Floor [1.5]

  • Carey: (To Zack and Cody) We may live in a palace but we're not royalty
    Zack: I think you're a queen mommy.
    Carey: Aww... put a sock in it!
  • Carey: (To Zack and Cody) You had your underwear dry-cleaned?!
    Zack: Feels good!
  • Zack: Hey, check it out! I just found 5 bucks in my pocket!
    Cody: Those are my pants!
    Zack: Cool! Candy's on you.
  • Zack: (To the belhop) To the Candy Shop, please.
  • {Zack inspects arm pit for hair} Zack: It's there!
    Cody: No, it isn't.
    Zack: Yes, it is. Right there; are you blind? You can totally feel it. Ow, you pulled the skin!
    Cody: That's 'cause there's no hair there! (Sniffs hand) And no deodorant...
  • Maddie: I've arranged the counter. Now tell me, what draws your eye?
    Zack: You do sweet thang!
    Maddie: Please, some of this candy is older than you.
  • London (crawling in an air conditiong vent alongside Zack): Man, it stinks in here!
    Zack: Sorry.
  • Maddie (crawling in an air conditiong vent alongside Cody): Man, it stinks in here!
    Cody: Sorry.
  • Maddie (pulls up Cody's pullover hood): Your sweatshirt's on backwards.
    Cody: What's your point?
  • Zack and Cody: Good morning Mr. Moseby!
    Carey: What brings you up so early?
    Moseby: Couldn't sleep. (looks at twins) Nightmares!
  • Carey: (to Mr. Moseby) You have kids?
    Moseby: No. And after seeing yours, not gonna happen!
  • Zack: What does he (Tuck) have that I don't?
    Cody: Armpit hair.
  • Cody: (through radio) Mad dog to Bird Dog, are you in position?
    Zack: (through radio) Affirmative, I have located the mezzanine vent. Hopefully, this one leads to the ballroom.
    Cody: It better, because Mad Dog needs to find a fire hydrant, and quick.
    Zack: Roger. I'm sending down the probe.
    Cody: You mean the golf ball?
    Zack: Yes, the golf ball! (puts golf ball in the vent. shows golf ball rolling in the vent. it lands in the ballroom vent.)
    Cody: Bingo! We found it Bird dog.
    Moseby: (to Cody) And what have we found?
    Cody: (to Moseby) Uh... (looks around) My two way?
    Zack: (through speaker at Cody) Get out of there before Large-Butt Moseby sees you.
    Moseby: (motions to radio) Can I have that just for a-? (through radio) Bird dog, this is Large-Butt. You do anything to disrupt this wedding, it will be the last song your mother ever sings at the Tipton. Over, and you're almost out.

The Prince & The Plunger [1.6]

  • Maddie: (on phone) This is Princess Bopalopashamalamadingdong. Where is my llama milk?
    Serge: Your husband said to get goat milk!
    Maddie: My husband, Prince bopalopashamalamadingdong, is a DING DONG!
  • Carey: I can figure out by myself if a guy's no good.
    Zack: But you didn't figure out that Serge was a lying doofuses.
    Carey: Now, no name calling boys. Even if they are lying doofuses.
  • Carey: Serge. You know, that poem you wrote me was so lovely, I wrote a little somthin' for you. "Violets are Blue. Roses are Red. My boys were right. Go soak your head." (walks away}
    Zack and Cody: (run from around the corner) YEAH! (pour the "llama" milk all over Serge. cling the buckets together and run away.)
  • Cody: Did you see how those flowers made Mom smile?
    Zack: Yeah, it's great. If she has a boyfriend, she'll be so busy being all girly with him, she'll leave us alone!
    Cody: And she'll be happy...
    Zack: And we'd be able to play that video game!
    Cody: And she'll be happy.
    Zack: And we won't have to make our beds!
    Cody: And she'll be HAPPY!
    Zack : You're so selfish! Can't you think of anything besides mom's happiness!?
  • Serge: Oh, great. I love why don't you guys jump in your jammies and run off to sleepy-bye?
    Zack: We're not five.
    Cody: Now we wait until it gets darky-poo!
  • Maddie: Now, Arwin. This is a practice date. Pretend Muriel is Carey.
    Muriel: All right. Thrill me, plunger boy.
    Maddie: Now say something charming.
    Arwin: (soup spills out of his mouth) You have beautiful earlobes.
  • Carey: Arwin, is that you? You look great!
    Arwin: Thanks. (pulls up his slack to reveal his sock) No ducktape!
  • Zack: Sit down! Tell her a story!
    Arwin: was up in room 313 today...uh leaning over the toilet, uh...plunging. In and out, in and out, in and out...and um, water and who knows (quote fingers) "what else" comes splashing out everywhere.
    Carey: (loudly) You don't say...
    Arwin: Yeah. And then-POP! Out comes a wad of hair the size of your head! (eats breadstick)
    Zack: (slaps his forehead)
  • Carey: Yeah, but 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained'
    Cody: Which is what she usually says to get us to eat broccoli.

Footloser [1.7]

  • Zack: Mom, guess what? I'm gonna be on TV!
    Carey: Oh no, what did you set on fire??!!
  • Zack: (To Cody, after Cody danced horribly and Zack danced well) You got served!
  • Max: That dented trophy could have been ours!
  • Max (After looking at the poster for the upcoming dance competition): This could be my big break!
    Cody: Yeah, you're a great dancer!
    Zack: Oh yeah! You're better than the girl on that Missy Elliott video!
    (NOTE: Alyson Stoner, who plays the character of Max was in Missy Elliott's Work It video.)
  • Max: Hey, Cody, where's Zack?
    Cody (pretending to be Zack): I'm Zack! (Imitating Zack) Hey, sweet thing!
    Max: He hurt himself, didn't he?
    Cody: Yep.
    Max: Great! Now what am I going to do?
    Cody: Well, Zack talked me through all the moves. And watch this! (Breaks into a stupid dance and then trips and falls) I call it trip-hop!
    Max: I call it last place.
  • Mr. Moseby: Esteban, I need you.
    Esteban: When I am good and ready!
    Mr. Moesby: What did you say?!
    Esteban: Now, I am good and ready!
  • Maddie: Here London, let me wring...rub your neck.
  • Max: (to Zack) You're worse than Harry Stupidini here.
    Cody: See he's better than me at being worse.
  • Carey: You look the same on the outside, but you're different on the inside. Like... pies. One could be apple and one could be cherry.
    Zack: Could I have ice cream on me?
    Carey: Go soak your ankle!
  • Mr. Moseby:(To Cody) Please, no Vaudeville in the lobby.

A Prom Story [1.8]

  • Zack: (To Maddie) I'm a guy with mature interests.
    Maddie: Such as?
    Zack: Politics... culture... PG-13 movies...
  • Maddie: We need to get a proper ballroom.
    London: (entering) Can I suggest the fish alcove?
    Mary: (annoyed) Excuse me, do you even go to our school?
    Maddie: No but her father owns this hotel.
    Mary: (deferential) OH, have a seat.
  • Cody: (miming a sneeze) Doofus!
    Carey: Cody, could you walk your dog in your room for a minute?
    Cody: (miming being in a box) I can't hear you. I'm trapped inside a box.
    Carey: Go! Or I'll ship you and your box out of the country.
  • Carey: You know Zack, you do realize that there is a bit of an age difference between you and Maddie.
    Zack: So, when I'm 17 she'll be 20. We can get married in 48 states... plus Guam... I checked.
  • Maddie: Uh, London, do you think you could talk to Moseby about getting the ballroom for our prom?
    London: Sure.
    Jeff: Thank you! You are awesome!
    London: Oh, I love helping the poor and needy.
    Mary: We are not a charity.
    London: Have you seen what you're wearing?
  • Maddie: London! yo letting Jeff think you're fabulous! I want him to think I'm fabulous.
    London: Is he rich?
    Maddie: No, but he is sweet, kind, smart and funny!
    London: Do you think some lame school dance will make Jeff fall in love with you?
    Maddie: No, that's why I need Maroon 5!
    London: That is so completely superficial and shallow! I am so proud.
  • Zack': Hey. If you're in trouble, we're there for you. I'm your man. That's what men do.
    Cody: miming vomiting
    Zack: (looking at Cody) Will you leave! (blowing at Cody)
    Cody: holding his hat and miming being blown away
  • Zack: Did you hear that? Maddie wants me to dance with her at the prom. I better practice my kissing!
    Cody: Don't look at me!
  • Cody: We have cocktail weenies, we have bacon weenie quiches, we have buffalo butts. Mmm, spicy! We have mini meatballs, average size meatballs, and great big meatballs. We have chicken kabobs, hamkabobs, and chicken AND lamb kabobs.
    Maurice: I AM A VEGETARIAN!!! (reacts) (sadly) 30 years of silence down the drain!
    Cody: Spinach dip?
    Maurice does not answer but has a dismayed look on his face.

Band in Boston [1.9]

  • London: (warming up higher and higher then screeches) Lalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
    Moseby: Better and better everyday London....break a leg! (walks up to Maddie) That way she won't be able to get up on stage.
  • Tapeworm: What do we do? We're next, and Zack and Cody still aren't here.
    Max: We'll do what all great rock stars do.
    Tapeworm: Trash a hotel room?
    Max: No. Stall.
  • London: (singing) You're the one I want, the only one I need, the only one for me!!!!
    Lance: I think I lost sight in my right ear!

Moseby: Is something dying in here?
Maddie: Yes. Our chances of winning.

  • London: I don't like this tangerine!
    Maddie: No that's a TAMBORINE! A tangerine is what the audience is gonna throw at you!
  • London: You know, Daddy owns a few record companies, I could've made a CD anytime. But, now that I know I'm a lousy singer, what's the point? (Maddie stares at her open mouthed.)
    Maddie: But you were so good on the TANGERINE!!
  • Max: Will you guys stop fighting?
    Cody: We are not fighting, we are having a creative discussion.
    Zack: We are too fighting.
    Cody: Creative discussion!
    Zack: Fight!
    Cody: Discussion!
    Max: I can't believe you guys are fighting about if you're having a fight!
  • Zack: So, you're in Battle of the Bands, too? Gee, I kind of feel bad for you. Our band has great music, killer wardrobe, and we're also 12 and cute. (crosses arms and smiles)
    Maddie: Yeah. Well, I'm 15 and hot. (shakes hips and does a pose)
    Zack: Ooooh, you ARE good.
  • Lance: [refers to London's plea to be a singer] I think we should let her do it.
    Maddie: *laugh* Have you swallowed too much chlorine?
    Lance: Well, yeah...
  • Lance: Okay, how about this? We let London stand up front, but we turn off her mic so no one can hear her.
    Maddie: Wow! I'm impressed. You know, I can't believe you came up with that idea, Lance.
    Lance: (flattered) Well, you know what they say...
    Maddie: No, what?
    Lance: I don't know. I was hoping you would.
  • Tapeworm: How long can it take to write a song!?
    Zack: I'm almost there. What rhymes with 'orange?'
    Max: Nothing! Everybody knows nothing rhymes with orange!
    Tapeworm: Oh yeah? What about phsnlorange!?
    Max: Thank you, Dr. Suess.
  • Maddie: So, did you turn off London's mic?
    Lance: Hey, great idea.
    Maddie: Thanks. I couldn't have done it without you.
    Lance: Done what?
    Maddie: It's a good thing you're cute.
  • Zack: Whoa. Good thing I landed on you or that could have hurt.
    Cody: Yeah. Lucky you.
  • Max: Why is it that you drive on the parkway, but you park on the driveway?
    (Tapeworm bangs drum; audience boos)
    Max: What is this? An audience not a jury?
  • Carey: Max! Where are Zack and Cody?
    Max: (covers up microphone) Somewhere in the vent system?
    Carey: Okay. A mother needs to know these things.

Cody Goes to Camp [1.10]

  • Zack: I'll have you know, I purposely flunked Math so that I don't have to go on that math camp with you.
    Cody: Then whom are avoiding with your "D" in English?
  • Carey: You guys have never been apart, not ever.
    Zack: Except for the first 10 minutes when Cody wasn't born. Those were the days.
  • Carey: Zack, you're going to miss your brother, won't you?
    Zack: Like a slow-healing scab.
  • (Cody throws his blanket back to Zack.)
    Zack: But it might come in handy. Say you run into a grizzly bear. You could take out your blankie, and he would laugh himself to death.
    Cody: Or I could show him your report card.
  • London: Moseby, have you heard the good news?
    Moseby: Yes. One of the twins is gone for 2 weeks. It's like falling in love.
  • Carey: Hurry up, Cody. I don't want you to miss your bus.
    Zack: Yeah. You don't wanna miss a bus full of nerds going, "2, 4, 6, 8, why can't we get a date?"
  • Mr. Moseby: Are you familiar with the gearshift?
    London: You mean the "PRNDL" (pronounced as "prindle")?
    Mr. Moseby: The what?
    London: The "PRNDL"?
    Mr. Moseby: Are you referring to the shift lever that reads "P, R, N, D, L"?
    London: I'm not a child, Moseby. I know how to spell "PRNDL."
    Mr. Moseby: It is not something you spell. It is a gearshift. The letters stand for park, reverse, neutral, drive and low!
    London: You're making me nervous with all this technical talk.
    Mr. Moseby: Oh, I'm sorry. Why don't we just relax, and turn on the radio? Would you like AMMMM or FMMM?
  • Zack: I know he's having a miserable time. We have twin telepathy. (mimics sensor waves using his hand across his forehead) It's like my brain is receiving phone calls from him.
    Carey: Well, you have a bad connection. Hang up.
    Zack: Uh, uh. I can sense these things. Remember when Cody broke his leg and I sensed it?
    Carey: That's because you're the one who fell on his leg and broke it.
  • Zack: Guys, I'm worried about Cody. He's not answering his cell phone!
    London: Maybe he's having fun.
    Zack: Hello! We're talking about MATH CAMP!
  • Zack: I've got to get up to that camp!
    London: Oh! I can drive you!
    Maddie: What?!
    London: I'll show Moseby how well I can do without him! C'mon!
    Maddie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA there big girl! You just drove through a building!
    London: But there are no buildings on the highway.
    Maddie: True, but there are other cars and big trucks, and the occasional cute deer! This is not a good idea.
    Zack: You're not going to tell anyone are you?
    Maddie: Well, only if you do it.
    Zack: GRAB HER!!
    (London and Zack drag Maddie off by her elbows.)
    London: (When Esteban walks by) You saw nothing!
    Esteban: Okay, have fun!
  • Carey: Moseby, Zack took off for math camp
    Moseby: Splendid, both of them are gone. It's like falling in love again.
    Carey: You don't understand! London is driving.
    Moseby: Oh no.
    Carey: Oh yeah.
    Moseby: They shouldn't be to hard to find! We'll just look for the car that's going in reverse.
  • London: (after being pulled over by the Massachusetts Highway Patrol) What's the matter officer? I wasn't speeding.
    Highway Patrolman: I'll say. When I stop sports cars it's because they are going too fast. To catch you I had to shift into first (gear) <to keep from passing her>.
  • Now Muriel is driving the car. She drives like Mario Andretti and is pulled over by the same officer.
    Highway Patrolman: Didn't I just stop this car from driving too slow?
    Muriel: I'm sorry officer but my darling grandson is very sick, so I'm rushing him to the hospital.
    (Maddie nudges Zack; Zack pretends to be sick.)
    Highway Patrolman: (referring to Zack) But he seemed fine before.
    London: Oh, we stopped for chili cheese dogs on the road.
    Highway Patrolman: Oh, no, not Dirty Dan's!
    London: That's the place.
    Zack: (as part of the ruse, pretending to be sick and weak) Hurry Grandma! I think I can see the light!
    London: No! Stay away from the light!
  • Warren: Look, chicks.
    Tapeworm: And a foxy hen. That's never happened in the history of Camp Knock-a-Number.
    Warren: I got the blonde.
    Maddie: You'll get nothing and like it.
    Warren: Ooh, sassy.
  • Cody: What are you doing here?
    Zack: I knew you were having a miserable time. I got your twin telepathy call. (mimics the sensor waves)
    Cody: Well it must be from your other twin because I'm having a great time.
    Zack: It's worse than I thought.
  • Warren: (to Maddie) Hey cutie, let's take a walk on Calculus Lane. (escorts a reluctant Maddie off camera)
    Tapeworm: (to London) I have a calculator that runs on moonlight.
    London: Oh, lets find out how rich I am! (grabs his arms and rushes off camera)
    Muriel: (wandering around) Is there anyone here between the ages of twenty five and twenty eight?
  • Cody: We'll be apart for six more days. Think you'll make it.
    Zack: Sure, with the way London drives, we won't be home for six days, and, if Muriel's driving, (snatches Cody's blanket) I'm going to need Blankie.
  • Mr. Moseby: Eyes on the road. Check your mirrors. Eyes on the road.
    London (looking at both the road and the car's front mirror): I can't do both!
    Carey (to Mr. Moseby): Would you stop? She's doing fine.(to London): Isn't he the worst? On the way up here [to math camp], he actually criticized my driving... While he was driving!
  • Moseby: I suppose I have a slight tendency to be a bit critical.
    Zack: Suppose?
    Maddie: Slight?
    Carey: Tendency?
    London: A bit?
  • London: Moseby.
    Moseby: Mrs. Kneivel!
    London: (gasps) Is that a slam on my driving?
    Moseby: Please, don't use the word 'SLAM'!

To Catch a Thief [1.11]

  • Maddie: (to Ivana) You know, I really like talking to you... and clearly I need a life.
    Ivana: (barking) I'll say!
  • Maddie: (Pointing to a picture of a dog on the table) Ooh, is that your boyfriend? You go girl!
    Ivana: (Barks) His owner is cute too.
  • Maddie: (answers cell) Ivana's line.
    London: It's me. Put her on.
    Maddie: Ivana! It's Mommy!
    Ivana (barking throughout): I have no mommy!
    Maddie: Ivana! Get on the phone!
    London: Why won't my baby speak to me? What have you done with her?
    Maddie: Nothing! She just loves me. Not as much as she loves you. Isn't that right, Ivana? (Imitating Ivana's bark)
    London: That's not Ivana's bark. Does she have a sore throat?
    Maddie: No! She just misses you and we are about to miss our movie night, toodles.
    London: Daddy!
    Maddie:(talking to Ivana) Clearly you are breaking her heart, but I'm liking you better.
    Ivana: Ditto!
  • Maddie: Have you two totally lost it?
    Cody: You're the one talking to a dog.
    Maddie: And she agrees with me. You've lost it.
  • Zack: Cool, my trap worked!
    Cody: So, you caught Muriel, I could've done that with whipped cream and a slice of pie!
    Muriel: Sounds good, could you heat it up?
  • (Esteban is hitting Muriel, who is trapped in a net, with an umbrella)
    Muriel: Hey. Watch it. I'm not a piñata!
  • Eddie: Hey, check it out! Look at all those jewels. That'll buy us a month in Hawaii.
    Nick: Or if we budget our money carefully, four weeks.
  • Esteban (to the thieves): I am here to clear the name of Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya Del Rosa Ramirez. Son of Diego Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya Del Rosa Ramirez (just then Ivana chews through the rope and Muriel falls on the thieves, flattening them). . . and his wife, Gladys.
  • Moseby: Esteban, I hope you to know I never suspected you.
    Esteban: Thank you sir. I never suspected you either.
  • Carey: What were you thinking, putting yourselves in danger?
    Zack: Well, you wouldn't believe us!
    Carey: You're right. If you hadn't let your imagination run away with you in the first place, we would have believed you when it really mattered! It's like the boy who cried wolf.
    Zack: Who said anything about a wolf?
    Cody: Aren't you happy we caught them?
    Carey: Not the point!
    Officer: You know there's a $10,000 reward.
    Carey: My boys! (hugs Zack and Cody)
  • Muriel: Excuse me. But I'm the one that fell on those dirtbags. (Imitates the call-me sign to the thieves.)
    Zack: Yeah, but I'm the one that set the trap. See?
    Maddie: But Ivana's the one who chewed cut the rope.
    Officer: Well I guess whoever owns this dog is going to be very, very rich.
    Just then London burst through the door.
    London: Don't be mad, snookums! Mommy's home!
    Maddie: Life isn't fair.
    Just then the net trap springs again, trapping London
    Maddie: Then again. (holds up Ivana's paw and waves)
  •  :[London and Ivana are in therapy, and Maddie is the therapist]
Maddie: So, Ivana. Tell London how you felt about being left behind.
Ivana: (Barking throughout) Unloved. Neglected.
London: That is so hurtful. I do so love you.
Maddie: Please. It's Ivana's turn to vent.
Ivana: It's always about you, isn't it?
London: (About to cry) I promise I'll never leave you again.
Maddie: And?
London: (Still about to cry) I'll spend more quality time with you. [Ivana comes over to her]
Maddie: My work here is done. And your time is up. That'll be $10,000!

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad Hotel [1.12]

  • Repeated line whenever Zack, Cody, are discussing sharing the treasure: You know I'm (standing/sitting/still) right here.
  • Zack: (After Esteban, Zack, and Cody pretend to be a portrait to trick Moseby) Think he noticed?
    Moseby: He noticed.
    Cody: It wasn't us! We were...framed!
  • Maddie: Hey, wait a minute, that's a picture of Muriel.
    Cody: How can you tell?
    Maddie: Look at her. She's sitting down with her feet up.
  • Maddie: What money?
    Cody: Uh, it's none of your business. And there's nothing you can say or do to make us tell you.
    Maddie: (Flirtatiously) Zackie?
    Zack: There's money hidden in the hotel.
    Cody: Sucker.
    Zack: So, I'm in love. Sue me.
  • From Zack's Fantasy
    • Maddie: Zack, honey, time to eat.
      Zack: What's for dinner?
      Maddie: Popcorn and candy.
      Zack: For dessert?
      Maddie: Candy and popcorn.
      Zack: Thanks, sweetie.
      Zack: (talking to Maddie) A genius in the kitchen and a tiger in the game room. Baby, you're the greatest. (gives Maddie a kiss on the cheek)
      Back to reality Zack finds himself kissing Cody on the cheek.
      Cody: Dude, why did you just kiss me?
      Zack: Sorry, daydreaming.
  • From Cody's Fantasy
    • Cody: I expected to win a Nobel prize for in physics, chemistry, biology, and mathematics. But to win one for baking, well, that just takes the cake!
      (tries to kiss pretty assistant but then reality intervenes)
    • Zack: Dude that was on the lips!
      Cody: AHHH!!
  • From Maddie's Fantasy
    • 'Zack: Good news Madam President (of the United States). Your policies have saved the whales, the ozone layer, and most importantly the people with bad haircuts.
      Maddie pulls to make out with a Secret Service agent
      Zack: HEY!!!
      Maddie: Sorry Bub, this is my fantasy.
      Back in reality where Zack falling after Maddie fails to catch him.
      Zack: Yeah, why catch me when you can make out with a broom.
  • Zack: (to Maddie) I like the way you think, sweet thang.
    Cody: You like anything she says, desperate thang.
  • In Muriel's flashback to when she was younger and working at the Tipton
    • Hot Peppers: Hey, Muriel. I'm crazy for you, toots.
      Younger Muriel: Get in line pal.
      Hot Peppers: Let's go on the lam together.
      Younger Muriel: Does it involve moving?
      Hot Peppers: I'll carry you, babe.
    • Flossy: (High-pitched voice) Hey, Peppas. Is it hot in here or is it just you? (Giggles)
      Peppers snaps his fingers for his lackeys to take care of it.
      Lackey: Get your mitts off the boss, Floozy.
      Flossy: It's pronounced Flossy. (Lackeys carry Flossy off and drop her) Ooh!
  • London: I wonder how my life would be if I found the treasure? (a fantasy ripple starts up, but is interrupted by London) Oh, yeah. It would be the same! Yay me!! (claps)
  • From Esteban's fantasy—where he owns the Hotel "Esteban"
    Esteban: And now it's SALSA time!
  • (after learning that there is no monetary treasure)
    Esteban: Now I'll never own this hotel.
    Maddie: And I'll never be the President.
    Cody: I'll never win the Nobel Prize.
    Zack: I'll never marry Maddie. (Maddie looks at him funny)
    London: On the bright side, I'm still rich. Yay me! (does her signature clapping)
  • Maddie: ...Zack, no!
    Zack: I should get a bigger share because I worked harder than you!
    Maddie: Oh yeah! Well, if you're working so hard, how come we haven't found the treasure?
    Zack: You know, I don't know what I ever saw in you!
    Maddie: Don't make me come down there!
  • (Everyone is arguing)
  • Carey: Have you seen my kids?
    Moseby: No. Have you seen my employees?
    Carey: No.
    Moseby: I have a bad feeling about this.
    Carey: Me too, but let's stay calm. I'm sure my kids are fine and your hotel is in one piece-(BANG) or pieces.
  • Moseby: (rushes outside to see the explosion and utters unintelligible words)
    ... (gasps) Huy poingy doi (high pitch) peeky peeky panglo...
    London: Moseby, breathe.
    Moseby: (fast gaps of breathing and crying.) Mama!

Poor Little Rich Girl [1.13]

  • Zack: London, you might want to take a look at the front page!
    London: Not now, London's reading about London.
    Cody: And you might want this back (hands her the $5 bill she gave him)
    London: Why?
    Muriel: (shows her front page) 'Cause you're broke!
    London: (Starts screaming) AAAAAHHHHH!
  • Mr. Moseby (To London): Your father has to stay incognito.
    London (cluelessly): Where is 'Cognito'?
    Mr. Moseby: It means he needs to stay in hiding.
    London (even more cluelessly): Where is 'Hiding'?
  • London: Just because I have no money, the bank stops being nice to me?
    Mr. Moseby: Shocking, isn't it?
  • Mr. Moseby: Maddie, is it possible for you to—
    Maddie: No! Not possible. Love to! Can't. Coming! (runs off)
    Mr. Moseby: (pulls Maddie back) But no one called you. And don't you have an extra bed since your sister moved out?
    Maddie: What sister? My sister didn't move out.
    Mr. Moseby: Oh really? Because I distinctly remember you dancing around the lobby singing, "My sister got a groom, I got my own room! What?!"
    Maddie: Oh, that sister.
  • Maddie: First we strip and make the beds.
    London: (puzzled) Well, if that's what poor people do. (begins unbuttoning blouse)
    Maddie: Whoa there big girl!
  • London is stuck in the wall when Maddie's bed goes up. When Maddie pulls it back down she is stuck underneath.
    London: I'm stuck in the wall and you want to play Hide-&-Go Seek!?
  • Cody: How are you doin' Sweet Thang?
    Maddie: Cody I'm sorry, but isn't it Zack who usually tries to flirt with me.
    Zack: If you're gonna be me you better be better.
  • (After Zack and Cody are arguing about who is who)
    Carey: I knew I should have erased that tape.
    Cody: Anything else you haven't been completely honest with us about? Mommy? If that's your real name?
    Carey: Well, I am your mother. Do I have to show you the beginning of the tape again?
    Zack and Cody: No!
  • Zack: I can't believe that I might be Cody!
    Cody: Well, what's wrong with being Cody?
    Zack: For starters, look how you're dressed.
    Cody: Well then, if I am Zack then I am the oldest. You better start showing me some respect, junior.
    Zack: By ten minutes, big deal.
  • Zack: He's been acting like me all day. He came on to all the girls at school, wised off to the teachers, and now he wants to copy off my homework.
    Carey: That's terrible.
    Zack: I know. It means that I have to do my own homework.
  • Zack: Now I can go back to chillin' and just getting by in school. (as Carey gives him a look) I mean doing my best.
  • London: (after hearing that she is rich again) Goodbye peanut butter, hello lobster dipped in butter!

Cookin' With Romeo and Juliet [1.14]

  • Cody: Hey, Maddie. Can you try some of my cookies?
    Maddie: Sure. (bites into a cookie)
    Cody: What do you think?
    Zack: Careful. If you tell him there's too many walnuts, he'll lock himself in the bathroom and cry.
    Maddie: Cody, these are amazing. You know, girls like guys who can cook.
    Zack: I helped!
    Hotel Guest: Mmm, (eating one of Cody's cookies) These are fantastic. How much are they?
    Cody: They're free.
    Zack: For $5.
    Hotel Guest: (leaves a lot of cash) I'll take the whole basket!
    Zack: Alright! Cody's cookies are gonna make me rich!
    (Cody stares at Zack)
    Cody: Ahem!
    Zack: Did I say me? I meant us!
    Moseby: I see that the dentists like the sugarless gum.
    Maddie: (Jokingly) Well, four out of five of them do!
  • Muriel: My doctor says I should stay away from chocolates... and younger men.
    London: Aren't you supposed to be working?
    Muriel: What's your point?
  • London: So Todd really wanted to kiss me?
    Maddie: (Sarcastically) No, he wanted to kiss the plant!
    London: Why would he want to kiss the plant?
    Maddie: He doesn't. He wants to kiss you!
    London: So Todd really wanted to kiss me?
    Maddie: It's a special night, don't make me slap you.
  • London: Todd!
    Todd: London!
    Mr. Moseby: London!
    Ilsa: Todd!
    Maddie: (Raises hand) Maddie!
  • Moseby (Talking to Ilsa, who has a huge mole): I thought I smelled a rat. Turns out it was a mole!
    Ilsa: (In a German accent) What mole?
    Moseby: Do you own a mirror?
  • Moseby: (To London about a boy whom her father has forbidden her to see) You really like this boy, don't you?
    London: I would love him even if he were poor.
    Mr. Moseby: Really?
    London: (Thinks for a moment) Yeah. (Nods head)
    Mr. Moseby: Well, in that case, if you want to see Todd, then it's not up to me to stop you.
    London: But won't you get in trouble with my father?
    Mr. Moseby: Sometimes when you care about someone... you have to think of them before yourself.
    London: Thanks, Moseby. (Walks away)
    Ilsa: (In a German accent) That was so schweet. It makes me vant to... PUKE!!
  • London: (To Muriel) Shouldn't you be working?
    Muriel: What's your point?
  • London:Maddie? That Romeo and Juliet book has a happy ending right?
    Maddie:Yea... (turns around and walks away while mouthing no)
    ** NOTE: If you are not familiar with the story, click on the link for a synopsis.**
  • London: (repling to Todd's decision of not going to dental school) That's so sweet, but I can't let you do that.
    Todd: Why not?
    London: (glancing at Moseby and smiling) Sometimes when you care about have to think of them before yourself.
  • Ilsa: (to Todd) Dare you schneak out to see the Tipton. I've called your father, he wants to talk to you. (talks quietly)Yop!

Rumors [1.15]

  • Moseby: I just heard something that I cannot believe. Someone told me that you and Maddie are betrothed.
    Lance: We are? Cool! What's that?
    Moseby: It means you're getting married.
    Lance: Really? My girlfriend's gonna be ticked. Guess I better go rent a tux.
  • Cody: Oh, no, the box said it was supposed to be a honey-mist auburn!
    Zack: Honey, you missed auburn big time!
  • Progression of the Maddie-and-Lance Rumor
    • London misinterprets Maddie giving Lance CPR in ballroom.
    • London: (to Esteban) Maddie and Lance are back together. They were kissing in the ballroom.
      Esteban: (to Muriel)Nothing. I said nothing about Maddie and Lance pledging their love for each other in the lounge.....They were as we say in my country "peeling the grape."
      Muriel: (to Cody) Lance and Maddie are pledged to each other....Sealed it with a kiss....Oh, and there was something about grapes. I think they're moving to a vineyard. But If you ask me, the whole thing is a gamble.
      Cody: (to Zack) Oh Zack guess what? Maddie and Lance are getting married, are going to Vegas to gamble so they can open up a vineyard.
      Chuck: (breaking date with Maddie) I was until I heard some disturbing news.
      Maddie: What news?
      Zack: How could you marry Lance!?
      Chuck: That.
  • Maddie: I wanna know why you started that rumor about me and Lance.
    London: What rumor?
    Maddie: That Lance and I are getting married, moving to a vineyard near Las Vegas, and becoming blackjack dealers?!
    London: Congratulations! You're gonna be a blackjack dealer!
  • Maddie : (moaning) London, London. Why did you tell everyone Lance and I were back together?
    London: Because I saw you kissing in the lounge!
    Maddie: He was teaching me CPR!
    London: Is that the same as peeling the grape?
    Maddie: It's mouth to mouth!
    London: So it is the same!
  • Maddie: How would you feel if people were spreading rumors about you?
    London: Hey, every time I'm in the paper, my social life just gets better and better.
    Maddie: Yeah? Well, my social life is going down the tubes because Chuck heard your lie and dumped me!
    London: Oh, honey. I heard a rumor he was gonna dump you anyway.
  • Maddie: (not knowing she's talking to a reporter) She's a hypocrite. I happen to know she has a fox fur in her closet.
    Reporter: Thank you, it was quite a pleasure talking to you. (moves away and makes a phone call) Frank, I've got news that will make London Tipton the most hated woman in Boston.
  • London: I can't believe people would believe I would torture little animals. All my furs are fake.
    Maddie: I thought you said you had a fox fur.
    London: Yes, F-A-U-X, fox.
    Maddie: It's pronounced "foe" which would've made a difference to.... the big mouth who started this rumour.
  • London: I want whoever it was to be thrown into the Tipton dungeon.
    Moseby: We don't have a dungeon, but i can have him fired.
    London: From a cannon?
  • Cody: I wonder who started this rumor about London.
    Zack: I bet it was Chuck. I never liked him.
    Cody: You liked him until Maddie liked him.
    Unbeknownst to the twins, Muriel overhears and later tells Esteban.
  • London: Esteban, spill it or you'll be transferred to the Tipton Siberia.
    Esteban: It start with "CH" and ryhmes with "UCK."
    London: Who's CHU-DUCK?
  • Cody: (to Zack) At least when I go away, it won’t be in handcuffs.
  • London: Chuck, I want him deported.
    Moseby: You can't have him deported. He's from New Jersey.
  • London: Chuck, you're fired. Get your passport and go back to New Jersey.
  • Cody: (as Zack) So proud of my brother. You are lucky to have him in your program.
    Zack: That's right. I'm Cody, the smart one.
    Cody: And I'm Zack, the dumb one. Dopey dopey dope.
    Zack: Don't push it.
    Moseby: (confused) Well good luck ... to all of you.
  • London: I'm surprised at you. I thought you "never gossip."
    Maddie: I was upset and I didn't know that woman was a reporter.
    London: So you just gossip about me in general?
  • Maddie: This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't spread that lie about me to the whole hotel.
    London: And your lie about me spread to the whole world!
    Maddie: Well you started it!
    London: Nuh huh!
    Maddie: Uh huh!
    London: Don't you Uh huh my Nuh huh!
  • Mr. Johnson: Cody, how did you first become interested in government?
    Zack: (with a fake confident smile) Well, I'm a strong proponent of the First Amendment.
    (Cody flashes him a 'okay/great job' sign from behind Mr. Johnson.)
    Mr. Johnson: Great. What do you like about it?
    (This wipes Zack's smile off in a hurry. He thinks for a second.)
    Zack: Well...what's not to like? I's the first. It's number one! It's number one!
    (Cody slides one hand down his face in a 'Oh-man-I'm-toast-in-this-interview' gesture.)
  • Mr. Johnson: Cody, it says here you would eventually like to be a Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What would you do on the bench?
    Zack (as Cody): I'm thinking casual Fridays. You know so that we can wear anything but those stuffy robes.
  • London: I'm sorry Maddie. Next time I see you lip locking I'll come to you first.
    Maddie: And I'm sorry about the things I said about you in the staff lounge.
    London: (gasp) We have a staff lounge but no dungeon?
    Moseby: Great, another room for you to torture me in.
  • Maddie: If you rescind that rumor about Lance and me I'll find a way to restore your reputation as the sweet animal-lover you are.
    London: How?
    Maddie: We'll fake something.
  • Repeated line during London's reputation restoration: (Kind lady/Little boy)...whom I've never seen before.
  • Magazine Headline: Heroic London Tipton Saves Choking Chinchilla.
  • Cody: That was Mr. Johnson from the Week-In-Washington program. They want me because of my sense of humor and refreshing personality.
    Zack: I guess you didn't do such a bad job.
    Cody: True, (puts hand on Zack's shoulder) I did a great job.
  • Cody: Zack! The guy from the Week In Washington program is here. He's here to interview me and I can't be me because I don't look like me, I'm supposed to look like you so since you look like me you gotta be me!
    Zack: I can't help you.
    Cody: Why?!
    Zack: Because I have no idea what you just said.
  • Mr. Johnson: Nice hair, son! What are you rebelling against?
    Cody: False labelling on hair products...
  • Mr. Johnson: And what president would you say you admire the most?
    Zack: (with a fake confident smile) Oh that's easy, President Carter!
    Mr. Johnson: Why?
    Zack: (This wipes Zack's smile off in a hurry. He thinks for a second.) Why? Well, uh... he... uh... (while looking at Cody's signals at the back of Mr. Johnson) hammers! Uh... nails things! He um... he uh... builds uh... houses! Builds houses for uh... Builds houses for nuns! Builds houses for old people... cold people... Builds houses for cold people... uh... poor people! (Cody gives an "a-okay" sign) Builds houses for poor people! Yes, and I believe everyone should have a place to live, (Cody signals Zack to stop talking) where you could watch TV to see commercials for stuff to buy, which helps the economy... (looks at Cody's gestures) What?!

Big Hair & Baseball [1.16]

  • Patrick: Ah, Miss London, may I get you a table inside?
    Gavin (Maddie's date): I thought you said there were no tables inside.
    Patrick: (Sarcastically) I'm sorry, does your father own this hotel? I didn't think so.
  • Patrick: ...Here are your menus. Would you like some crayons?
  • Patrick: (To Maddie) Ah, well, if it isn't Little Miss, (mockingly) "I'm sorry, but this hotel doesn't stock your favorite flavor of gum"!
    Maddie: Patrick, no one likes coconut flavored gum!
    Patrick: Well, I do! So apparently I'm a no one!
  • Carey: (Singing) I recommend the creme brulee!
    Patrick: (Mock singing) I recommend you go away!
  • Cody: Okay, this is it the day I catch my first ball.
    Zack: Or it'll bounce off your head and then when everyone rushes to stop the bleeding, I'll pick it up like last time.
  • Maddie comes in with frizzy hair.
    London: Aaahh! Something's eating Maddie's head!
    Maddie: It's my hair. It's humid outside which tends to make it a little frizzy.
    London: A little? You look like the Bride of Frankenstein!
  • Carey: The more you connect with them the less of your stuff they'll break.
    Moseby: You really expect me to believe that?
    Carey: No...Mr. Moseby, please please please please please! I never get a day to myself and the boys love you.
    Moseby: They love me?
    Carey: No, but they would if you took them to a baseball game.
    Bystander 1: Well, I can't believe that hotel guy won't take his own kids to a baseball game.
    Moseby: They're not my-
    Bystander 2: That's just not right.
    Moseby: But I hate baseball.
    Bystander 1: Now that's just un-American.
    Bystander 2: Can you believe this guy? I guess you hate apple pie too, huh fella? And puppies. And your own mama.
    Moseby: Sir, I LOVE MY MAMA! (to Carey) I'd love to take the boys to the game. What time's kick-off?
  • Carey: Oh, come on, guys. He's really looking forward to going with you and he loves you.
    Cody: He loves us?
    Carey: No, but he might if he spent more time with you.
  • Zack & Cody: No!
    Zack: Moseby?
    Cody: At a baseball game? Those two things just don't go together. It's like Zack and homework.
    Zack: Or Cody on a date!
  • London: It was pretty smart of me to arrange your date at the hotel. Look, I don't know why people think I'm stupid. (She plays with her hairband and it smacks her forehead a couple of times0 Ow. Ow. Ow.
    Maddie: It's a mystery, all right.

  • London: You know...? For 2 smart people, you guys don't say very much.
    Gaven: That's because we're so smart, we can communicate telepathically.
    [Maddie giggles]
    London: Oh, yeah? Ooh! What's she saying? (points to Maddie) And don't talk.
    Gaven: Well, Maddie just said she thinks we're going to have a great time.
    Maddie: And Gaven just said he wishes you'd leave.
    London: (appalled) Well! That's the rudest thing I've NEVER heard! (turns around and walks away)
  • London: Oh great! More smarty pants "silent talk". Okay, what are you guys saying?
    Gaven: I said that I love curly hair.
    Maddie: (makes a come'ere finger) And I said that a little perpiration never hurt anybody. (blots Gaven's face)
    London : Oooh, (claps) this is so romantic-in an incredibly icky kind of way. (sighs) Now, what are you saying?
    Maddie: Gaven wants to thank you for setting up our date and then saving it.
    London: Awww...
    Gaven: And Maddie wants you to leave.
    London: (appalled) Well, do you know what I'm thinking up here? (points to her head)
    Maddie & Gaven: Nothing...?
    London: Wow, you guys are GOOD.
  • Cody; ...but he caught that ball for ME, for a kid who always DREAMED of catching one...
    Zack: but was too lame to do it himself cuz he has lousy hand-eye coordination.
    Cody: (embarassed) I have ASTIGMATISM!
  • Ending Scene bit
  • Patrick: K, fine. If you want to stay, I have one favor to ask. We've run out of steel wool in the kitchen and we'd LOVE to scrub the pots out with your HAIR!

Rock Star in the House [1.17]

  • Moseby: We happen to have a very famous rock star checking in this afternoon.
    Carey: It's so silly now insane women get when it comes to musicians.
    Zack: Who is it?
    Moseby: That McCartney fellow.
    Carey: Paul McCartney? I LOVE PAUL McCARTNEY!!!
    Cody: Who's he?
    Moseby: Not Paul McCartney, Jesse McCartney.
    Carey: Who's he?
  • Maddie: I can't believe all these girls want to meet Jesse McCartney. It's so lame.
    London: And delusional. They may think they have a shot at Jesse but as you can see <holds magazine cover with Jesse's picture next to her face> he and I are meant to be.
    Jesse: Do you know where the manager's office is?
    London: Over there (not bothering to look at him).
    Maddie: Wasn't that Jesse McCartney?
    London, realizing whom she just spoke to, faints.
  • London: Don't worry (to Maddie). I'll get us in there to see him rehearse. After all, he's a celebrity. I'm a celebrity. We're first celebrities once removed.
    Moseby: You go in there and you'll be removed.
  • Moseby: (to London) Actually I just received a fax from your father warning you to stay away from all celebrity guests staying at this hotel. He does not want a repeat of the Orlando Bloom incident.
    London: Just tell Daddy it's different this time.
    Moseby: (leafing through fax) "Different this time. different this time." Uh here we are. (reads from fax) "No, it's not different. You are clearly obsessed with [insert celebrity name here] and if continue to harass [insert celebrity name here] you will be sent to [insert boarding school name here].
  • London: That's it. If he doesn't let me see Jesse, I'll...
    Moseby: I have got "run away, scream at the top of my lungs, or hold my breath until I turn blue." Which will it be?
  • London (to Maddie): Oh, look, he's gesturing to me. I think he wants to propose.
    Maddie: He's pointing at the water, dingbat, he thinks you're a waiter.
    London: Why would he think that? (Looks at her clothes and remembers that she's disguised as a waiter)
  • Moseby: Oh is everything alright in here? No screaming girls?
    Jesse: No but you do have a couple of screaming waiters.
  • Cody: I've gotta win this science award. Then I can get into M.I.T. and invent a nanobot that eats oil spills and be able to retire comfortably while taking care of my aging mother and paying my brother's bail money.
    Arwin: Zack's in jail?
    Cody: Not yet.
  • Maddie (Holding and smelling Jesse McCartney's bathrobe): Mmm...
    London (barging in): What are you doing with my husband's bathrobe?
    Maddie: I collect plaid!
  • Maddie: Zack, what are you doing here!?
    London: Are you in love with Jesse too?
    Zack: No.....I am selling Jesse's stuff on the street. One girl gave me 30 bucks for a napkin he spit his gum into. There is great money in obsession.
  • Carey: Why not try something simpler, like that volcano we talked about?
    Cody: Like a stupid volcano will win me a Nobel Prize!
    Carey: Mine did win honorable mentions in the Miss Madame Curie competition!
    Cody: Those were simpler times!
    Arwin: You were a science geek?
  • Cody: Well, my best isn't going to win me a Nobel Prize, pay for your nursing home, or get Zack out of jail.
    Carey: Zack's in jail?
    Cody and Arwin: Not yet.
  • Maddie: So your plan is to tell him that you found he lucky bracelet in room by his bed side drawer?
    London: (Claps) Good plan!
    Maddie: (Claps) Bad plan! If Moseby finds out we will get in trouble! And Zack could end up in jail!
    Zack: Funny! That’s what Cody always says!
  • Jesse: You hang out with those girls? What are they like two years older then you?
    Zack: Three.
    Jesse: Impressive, dude!
  • Zack: If you like video games, come back to my place and I'll crush you like the pretty boy that you are!
    Jesse: You're on. And that's Mr. Pretty Boy to you.
  • Outside Zack's suite
    Maddie: (banging on door) Jesse, just tell me your favorite color for my article! I'm going to say blue, okay?
    London: I don't care what your favorite color is, I just want to marry you! It's not brown, is it? (Refering London might not like brown.

Smart and Smarterer [1.18]

  • Zack: Just do me a favor. Don't mention the report cards for like... ever.
    Cody: Okay.
    (Cody opens the door)
    Carey: Hey guys. What's new?
    Cody: Report cards! Oops, slipped out.
    Zack: (Mimics Cody)
  • Carey: Zack, if Cody got a report card that means you have one too.
    Zack: You would think so wouldn't you. And I was just as surprised as you.
    Carey: ZAACK!!!!
  • Zack: But before you read it, you should know that there's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, is that I got D's in Math, English, and Social Studies.
    Carey: And what's the good news?
    Zack: I'm out of bad news.
  • Moseby: (coughing) Now, since you two have arrived at my hotel, you have been nothing but a... (loses voice)
    Zack: A delight?
    Cody: A bundle of youthful energy, whose spirit has breathed life into this stodgy, old place?
    Zack: And to say thank you, you want to reward us with free sundaes?!
    Cody: Thanks, Mr. Moseby, you're the best!
    Moseby waves hands in anguish and seething anger.
  • Cody: I want Mom to see my report card.
    Zack: How do you live with yourself?
    Cody: I don't. I live with you, and believe me, it's no picnic.
  • Maddie: How about a quick game of "Guess what Color I'm Thinking?"
    London: (from inside elevator) Blue.
    Maddie: Darn!
  • London: (picking up a chess piece) Maddie, what are these do-hickeys? Are they expensive, and do I want to buy them?
    Maddie: No, these are chess pieces. It's a game that's been played for 5,000 years.
    London: Well, then, someone should have won already.
  • Cody: Have you no shame?
    Zack: You're right. I feel terrible.
    Cody: Really?
    Zack: Nope.
  • London: How many times do we have to play this game?
    Maddie: Until I win!
    London: By then the dinosaurs will be extinct.
  • Zack: Mom, Cody's making me feel bad.
    Carey: Cody, stop picking on Zack. Boy, that sounded odd.
  • Moseby: Do I by any chance smell?
    Esteban: Oh, yes. Like a dead horse in August.
  • Zack: You guys got it easy. Right?
    Bob: Yeah. The jumbo letters, the ridicule, the inability to sink a free throw.
    Mr. Forgess: Uh, dyslexia doesn't effect your basketball ability.
    Bob: Yeah, I know, but I was on a roll.
  • Maddie: I refuse to lose to someone who calls the bishop Mr. Pointy Head.
    London: Which one is the bishop?
    Maddie: Mr. Pointy Head!!
    London: See it's catching on!
  • London: Maybe I'm a little more intellectualer than you thunk.
  • Cody: Told you this would blow up in your face! Now you have to do the work all by your self. With no one to help you. Just you and you alone!
    Zack: Oh yeah? Well If you're so smart, than what's the capital or North Dakota?
    Cody: That's easy, Bismarck!
    Zack: But I thought Bismarck was the capital of South Dakota.
    Cody: No, that's Pierre.
    Zack: Well, what's the capital of Wyoming?
    Cody: Cheyenne.
    Zack: Thanks, you just finished my homework.

The Ghost of Suite 613 [1.19]

  • Maddie, London, Zack, and Cody: (when Arwin opens door with big stick) AHHHHH!!!!!
    Zack: It's the ghost!
    London: It's got a club!
    Cody: Now it's eating the club!
    Arwin: It's not a club, it's a sub, Meatball Marinara, want some?
  • Esteban: It is up to us to help the ghost cross over to a better place.
    Maddie: You mean the St. Mark Hotel where they pay extra?
    Esteban: This is not a joking matter.
    Maddie: Obviously you've never seen my paycheck.
  • Zack: Muriel where's the room of Suite 613?
    Muriel:Over there, but if you value your life you will not go in that room
    Zack: Yanking Cody Let's go in!
    Cody: Lets not! (Yanks Zack to much and makes the cart Muriel was using fall)
    Muriel: on second thought here's the key
  • Esteban: (high-pitched voice) She's here! Hola, ghostie! Welcome to ... (starts convulsing and everyone screams)
    Irene (Speaking through Esteban): Who dares to call me in the afterlife?!
    Cody: (whispering) It's for you.
    Zack: Are you the ghost of Irene?
    Irene (Speaking through Esteban): Yes! My spirit is doomed to languished agony for AAAAAAAAAALLLL eternity.
    London: Whatever. Listen, um, can I have those one thousand dollars back?
    Irene (Speaking through Esteban): You will be silenced!
    London: Okay, sorry. Never mind.
  • Muriel telling story of ghost to Maddie, London, Zack, and Cody.
    Muriel: Her name was Irene, and she was beautiful and rich.
    London: (keeps cutting Muriel off) Oh, think me...with less money...and probably not as pretty...and dead.
    Muriel: (annoyed) As I was saying, in 1942, Irene and her husband checked in on their honeymoon night, and the next day-
    London: (Interrupting Muriel) -he went off to war. She waited 3 years, but he never came back.
    Zack: So, he died in battle?
    London: Oh no, he-
    Muriel stuffs the duster on London's face to shut her up.
    Muriel: He met some Italian babe and opened up a pizza parlor in Naples.
    London: (spits out a feather) Then she was so mad she threw the silver hairbrush he'd given her at their wedding
    Muriel: And the mirror shattered and a shard flew out, and that was the end. *short pause* good luck
  • Esteban: (after falling for Zack's farting trick) Zack, I'm a little tired of your impractical jokes.
    Zack: Sorry... (makes the farting sound, Esteban leaves and Cody, Maddie, & London laugh)Man, that was awesome! Almost as funny as this morning when Cody got so scared.
    Cody: I wasn't scared...
    Zack: You were white as a sheet.
  • Maddie: There's no such thing as ghosts.
    London: Wrong, as usual. I've seen this ghost. It was so scary, I dropped my new purse. And left it there!
    Maddie: With money in it?
    London: Oh, just the regular $1,000 bill every kid gets for allowance...
    Maddie, Zack, & Cody suddenly bolt for the elevator
    London: Hey! Just 'cause I don't need it doesn't mean it's not mine.
  • Maddie: Finders keepers, losers weepers. (Zack and Cody trying to get London's purse from Maddie)
    London: Hand me the loot or you get the boot.
  • Moseby: There is no ghost.
    Maddie: Told you.
    Moseby: Now let's leave before she gets annoyed.
    Maddie: And I'm completely alone here...
  • Maddie: I... love... pizza! What are you going to do about it? (Maddie's chair pulls her back into the darkness.)
    Zack: MADDIE NO!
    London: Where did she go?
    Esteban: (Irene's ghost speaking through him.) Anyone else have anything to say?
    Cody: Not me... I hate pizza! Huh! (Cody covers his mouth as his blanket floats in the air) BLANKIE!
    Zack: (After seeing cody dissapear) Cody....buddy? Oh man, mom's not gonna like this!
  • Zack screaming while group in covers as ghosts take off covers and giggle.
    Zack: You guys are mean!
    Maddie: Sorry Zack, but you did so many practical jokes on us. We just wanted to show you how it feels.
    Esteban: Like the gassy noises. Most of which were not mine. [Turns out Esteban faked the Irene voice.]
    London: Yah! And the fake love letter from Orlando Bloom. He took out a restraining order against me.
    Zack: I didn't send you any letter! (silence for a while)
    Maddie: (giggling) Okay that was me.
  • Cody: (To Zack after Zack got scared) You should've seen your face. No, wait! I can show you! (Makes a mock scared face and Zack chases after him.)
  • Zack and Cody walk into Suite 613
    Zack: Did you really leave Blanky in here, or is it just another stupid prank?
    Cody: Listen, I don't kid when it comes to blanky. Now help me look around, unless you're too scared.
    Zack looks behind the couch, Cody looks by the table, and the real Irene comes out of the door behind them
    Irene: Excuse me, is this yours?
    Cody: (Cody takes the blanket) Yeah, thanks!
    Irene: Don't mention it.
    Irene walks away through her picture. Zack and Cody run out screaming; Cody stays looking from outside the door still screaming, and Zack pulls his hair to follow him.

Dad's Back [1.20]

  • Carey: Hope you brought your appetite, cause I'm thinking Ice Cream for dinner!
    Cody: That sounds great! Just one thing; who are you and what have you done with my mother?
    Carey: Ho, you are such a kidder!
    Cody: No, I'm serious.
  • Carey: Did you finish your homework yet?
    Cody: I did it already.
    Zack: You disgust me!
  • Zack: Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm going home to mother.
    Kurt: That's exactly what you mother said when she left me, and a few other things I can't mention.
  • London: Do you feel the burn?
    Maddie: I felt the burn an hour ago, but now it's searing pain!
  • Moseby: Have you heard from Zack?
    Carey: Yea, I sent him a five page e-mail saying how much I love him, how much I want him back and here's his reply.
    Moseby: (reading response) Back at you.
    Carey: (starting to cry) Back at me!
  • Maddie: I guess you're a little nervous about seeing your ex?
    Carey: Why would you say that?
    Maddie: Because you just ate my decorative soaps.
  • Carey: (skates in) Mr. Moseby, have you seen Cody?
    Moseby: Am I twitching?
    Carey: Well, when you see him, tell him to meet me at the park, and have him bring his mitt, knee pads, and a snorkel. Heh. Woo! (leaves and Cody comes out from behind desk)
    Cody: I don't even want to know what she had in mind.
  • Kurt: Come on, have a sense of humor!
    Carey: Well, I married you, didn't I?
    Kurt: There it is!
  • Zack: (talking about his mom) She helps me with my homework, and she makes sure I'm in the car before she leaves.
    Kurt: (in protest) We popped a U-ie and came right back.

Christmas at the Tipton [1.21]

  • Esteban: This is all so beautiful. I just love watching the white fluffy things fall from the sky.
    Cody: It's called snow, Esteban.
    Esteban: Oh well, it's like the heavens have dandruff.
  • Maddie's manipulated the Secret Santa bowl so that London picks her name.
    London: By the way, do you know what your birth stone is?
    Maddie: A diamond! Or an Italian sports car!
  • Kurt: It's not my fault we're snowed in. And if the hotel had an extra room I would have rented it.
    Carey: Well, I hope you're comfortable on the floor.
    Kurt: Sure. It'll be just like when we were married.
  • Moseby: Esteban, the hotel limo is just out front, see if the driver can make it to the airport. Free of charge of course.
    Zack: You would really do that for us Mr. Moseby?
    Moseby: Of course Zack. I want you boys to have the best Christmas possible even if it means being far, far, far away from my hotel!
  • Maddie: (after receiving London's gift) But I wanted a car... that would keep all of me warm.
    London: I made it with my own two hands.
    Maddie: It looks like you made it with your own two feet!
    London: (gasps) I thought you'd be happy that I put so much effort into it. You're always accusing me of being superficial.
    Maddie: And you had to pick Christmas to become deep?!
  • Moseby: Carey, you must know what to do. You've had a baby.
    Kurt: Two!
    Moseby: Even better.
    Carey: I'm sorry. I was a little too busy screaming to take notes.
  • Cody: Isn't this weird? Mary and Joseph traveling together...
    Zack: On Christmas Eve...
    Maddie: But there is no room for them at the inn..
    Arwin: And a child is born.
    Esteban: What a coincidence.
    London: I don't get it.
    Everyone stares at London.
  • Maddie: Hey, London, what's this stitch under the third arm?
    London: It's your name! M-a-t-e-e. Maddie.
    Maddie: (sarcastically) Oh! To think I've been spelling it wrong ALL these years!
  • Carey: Even though we're not getting married...
    Kurt: We're still a family.
    Cody: Not like them. (gestures to Joe, Mary, and their newborn daughter)
    Carey: Yes like them because that child has two parents who love her, just like you.

Kisses and Basketball [1.22]

Cold Opening part ..........................................................................................

  • Cody: We did it! We did it!
    (Max kisses Zack)
    Cody: Oooh, you did it...


  • Carey: What's going on with them?
    Arwin: Isn't it obvious? (leans in to whisper to Carey) they're not hungry.
  • Maddie: Okay, you're free to go.
    London: And you're free to admit that you were wrong. It's been an hour and I haven't bought a thing.
    (Ivana runs in carying a little bag, sets it down, and barks. London acts guiltily-suprised) Bad dog! I said NO shopping! THAT dog has a serious problem.
  • Cody and Tapeworm: Zack kissed a girl! Zack kissed a girl!
    Carey: You guys are so immature.
    Arwin: Zack kissed a girl! Zack kissed a girl! He kissed a girl, a female! A female!
    (everyone stares at Arwin)
    (Arwin tries to lean on the table but accidentally sticks his hand in a cake)
    Arwin: Cake makes me crazy.
  • Patrick: The special today is chicken fingers. It comes with your choice of curly fries and a free ice cream sundae in the shape of a clown.
    Max: Is it modeled after you?
    Patrick: Oh she's lovely.
  • Patrick: I'd be ANGRIER if I hadn't spit in your food. Psyche!
  • Patrick: I assume you'll be needing the check? And some big shoes? Ha ha. Meep, meep! (pretends to squeeze the cherry on Zack's nose. Zack looks at him angrily)Oh, oh. (He puts his hands up and backs away)
  • London: See, I'm going to a party tomorrow night, and I've got nothing to wear!
    Maddie: (shows London an outfit) What about this? It's brand new.
    London: Oh, that hideous thing? I just bought that so someone else couldn't.
  • Zack: (to Max) You smell nice. What are you wearing?
    Max: Sweat. I haven't even showered yet, sicko!
  • Arwin: Okay, we're only down by 5, and we haven't been playing our best.
    Max: Zack...
    Arwin: Now I don't want to single anybody out.
    Max: Zack...
    Arwin: But we got a get our heads in the game.
    Max: Right, Zack?
  • Arwin: Where's Max?
    Cody: She and Zack had a fight, and no one's seen her since.
    Arwin: Oh. Well, that's okay. That's okay. One person does not make a team. Huh. You guys have worked long and hard. I know you can pick up the slack and win this game, huh?
    Max: Hey, guys.
    Arwin: Oh, thank goodness you're here! We couldn't have done it without you!(starts crying)
  • Moseby: London, I'm afraid your father is adamant. (pronounced ADAMant)
    London: (confused) I thought his name was Wilfred.
    Moseby: Yes, it is!
  • London: Well, it's just there are so many beautiful things out there to buy. How can you possibly resist them?
    Maddie: I have no money.
    London: Well, some of us aren't that lucky.
  • Maddie: Well, you WILL be when your father disinherits you.
    London: (drops to her knees and hugs Maddie by the legs) Help me!!!!
  • Maddie: All right, all right. I'll help you. Give me your credit cards.
    (She holds out her hand to accept them. London gives her one)
    Maddie: Mmmhmm... (London gives her another) Mmmhmm...
    (London pulls her wallet full of credit cards out of her purse and gives it to Maddie. Maddie takes them and they all fall out in a line)
    London: Take care of my babies. They like to be taken out twice a day.
    (Maddie rolls her eyes and waves the wallet away from London while she tries to catch them)
  • Zack: What's her problem.
    Tapeworm: You said she wasn't a girl. Girls don't like that.
    Cody: You think...?
  • Maddie; London, you've got a real problem.
    London: No I don't. I just remembered I have store credit at Pier Good Tour(?) and they're on speed dial.
    Maddie: London, drop that phone!
    London: Not gonna happen!
    Maddie: London, DROP it...!
    London: I just need one little thing!
    Maddie: No!
    London: Shoes. Just shoes.
    Maddie: No!
    (Maddie runs after her in a circle around a chair)
    London: One shoe.
    Maddie: Not even.
    (London runs the other way around the chair and Maddie chases her)
    London: A shoe LACE.
    Maddie: No!
    London: The little piece of plastic at the end of the shoe lace that nobody knows what it's called.
    Maddie: You mean an aglet?
    London: Ya!
    Maddie: (points stern finger at her) NO!
  • London: ...and I was DRINKING that!
  • Arwin: Let's get out there and kick some—
    Carey: Ahem!
    Arwin: bun.
  • Cody: Zack kissed a girl! Zack kissed a girl!
    Zack: It wasn't a girl! It was Max! And I didn't kiss her, she kissed me!
    Max: It wasn't a kiss! You had a big bug on your mouth, and I killed it... with my lips.

Pilot Your Own Life [1.23]

  • Cold Opening Bit
  • Cody: I'm thinking about working with kids.
    Zack: I hate kids.Especially you Cody,

Cody: You better take this seriously or you're gonna fail while I get an A.
Zack: You're one of the kids I hate. ............................................................................................

  • Teen Trend Lady: Good, London, good. Now give us a snobby look.
    London: I have about twenty different ones. Which one do you want?
    Teen Trend Lady: One that says "Only I can afford these clothes!"
    London: Ooo! Number seven! One of my favorites!
    Teen Trend Lady: Perfect. Now, that (snaps) is a wrap!
    London: (grasping scarf) Actually, it's a really shiny scarf!
  • Maddie: (To London) Well, your mistake was taking on Madeline Margaret Genevieve Miranda Catherine Fitzpatrick!
    London: Fine! I'll beat...all of you!
  • Maddie: Oh yeah? Well you're goin' down!
    London: Well you're goin' downer! I'm gonna crush you so bad you won't have a penny to your name and you'll have to work like a dog for the rest of your life!
    Maddie: Ha! I'm already there!
  • Teen trends lady: (Talking about Maddie's outfit) What do you call it?
    Maddie: (Doesn't know what to say) My uniform? (Holds up the tie on her uniform) With a personal touch of Maddie. Well, actually it's my dad's tie, so it's a personal touch of Irving.
    Teen trends lady: Hmm... Catchy, but a little long. How about blue-collar chic?
    Maddie: That was my second choice!
  • Esteban: (In a western accent) Cody, I got a bone to pick with you.
    Cody: Esteban? Why are you talking like that?
    Esteban: 'Cause, my teacher Jeb is from Texas! Now if I'm gonna "Pilot my own life", I gotta do it at a rodeo! YEE HAW!!!
  • Cody: How was your audition?
    Carey: Just fine Cody. The producer said I had lots of talent and a promising career as a caberet singer. He suggested I check out, the Tipton. I just spent $500 to find out that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be!!
Esteban: I can't be late for school. I'm taking Cody's advice to pilot my own life by enrolling a night class to improve my English and lose (misprounced as "loose") my accent.
London: Loose?
Esteban: I have not started the class yet, okay?
  • Carey: (finding that Maddie sent Zack to spy on London) You're using my son as a spy?
    Maddie: Oh, like you're using him for anything better.
  • Zack: I can't do this to you. I just can't. I cannot tell a lie.
    Carey: Since when? You lie to me all the time.
    Zack: But I can't lie to Maddie, (lower voice toward Carey) I love her.
  • Zack: If you win this contest, you'll become successful, and move to New York or Paris or Milan and I'll never see you again.
    Maddie: Aw, Zack, I'm not going anywhere; and if I did, I'd take you with me.
    Zack: Really? (Maddie hugs Zack)
    Carey: Really?
    Maddie: (Mouthing, with Zack still in her arms) No.
  • Cody: (watching the chick fight between London and Maddie) You're right Zack. This would look better with pudding.
London: Daddy always says, "Competition is a good thing. It's a chance to crush people."
Cody: Maddie, don't let fear in your cockpit.
Carey: Don't let what in your where?
London (running towards the candy counter): Maddie! Maddie! Do I have worry lines?
Maddie: Huh?
London: Teen Trends hasn't called me yet. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't think.
(before Maddie can say something sarcastic, London cuts Maddie off): Don't go there.
Mr. Moseby: Ah, Esteban. There you are. I'm going to need you to work late tonight.
Esteban: No, I can't, Mr. Moseby. I'm piloting my own life by taking a night school class three times a week. I'm going to lose (misprounced as "loose") my accent.
Mr. Moseby: Loose?
Esteban: I'd better make that four times a week.
  • Teen Trends Lady: Say, "Teen Trend's Trendy Teen of the Year..."
    Maddie: Teen treen trendy-uh, can I just smile?
    Teen Trends Lady: Ya.
  • Cody: Mom, do you ever find yourself feeling discouraged, unfulfilled, unappreciated?
    Carey: Not if you eat my casserole.
    Cody: Not gonna happen.
  • Cody: My point is people spend their lives too afraid to reach for the mountain top...
    Carey: Amen!
    Cody: They let life slip by day after dreary day...
    Carey: Losers! (takes a sip of her drink)
    Cody: People like YOU...
    [Carey spits out her drink]
  • London: Oh, no you di'n't!(wags finger and bobs head)
    Maddie: Oh, yes I di'id (bobs head and shakes wig)
  • London: Nuggie. Nuggie. Nuggie. Nuggie
    Maddie: (simultaneously) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow!
  • Maddie: She meant me. {for the winner of the Teen Trend contest}
    London: Oh, no she DI'N'T!
    Maddie: Oh, yes she DI'ID!
    Moseby: We'ell (?), It d'oesn't MA'A'TER!
  • London: Well, you were WRONG with a capital "R."
  • London: (sighs) I'm sorry I stole your 'Blue Colar Cheap' look.
    Maddie: You mean Chic.
    London: No.
  • Maddie: I can't believe I stayed up three days and nights finishing this outfit. I hope the Teen Trend Lady likes it.
    Zack: I'm sure you'll do fine.
    Maddie: (in a mocking tone) I'm sure you'll do fine. (regular tone) What do you know?
    Zack: See? This is why sleep is a good thing.
  • Cody: Remember, London, if you can conceive, you can believe, and you can-
    London: (harshly) I hate that phrase!
  • Cody: Mom, please tell me your demo went well.
    Carey: Yeah. The guy at the record company thought I was really talented and had a future as a cabaret singer. He suggested I check out the Tipton. (hysterical) So I just spent $500 to find I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be!


  • Ending Bit
  • Muriel: What do you think, ladies? HOT STUFF, huh? Ssssss!


Crushed [1.24]

  • Zack: Oh, hey, Agnes!
    Cody: AAHHH! (turns around to see that no one is there) That's not funny. Why, oh, why was I cursed with these devastating good looks?
    Zack: Imagine how hard it is to be the handsome twin.
  • Zack: Oh, hi, Agnes!
    Cody: (doesn't even look) Not falling for it.
    Agnes: Hi, Cody!
    Cody: AHHHH!
  • Agnes: Where's Cody?
    Zack: I'm not telling you!
    Agnes: Five bucks.
    Zack: Biology
  • Cody: (To Agnes) I won't run away. And it's not just because you nailed my feet to the floor. Which, by the way, is taking some of the enjoyment away from this tasty mac-n-cheese.
  • Agnes: You're not my Codykins!
    (Agnes corners Zack)
    Agnes: I don't like to be fooled... Zack.
    Zack: I'm sorry! It's just that-
    Agnes: I know what's going on.
    Zack: You do?
    Agnes: Of course. You want me for yourself.
    Zack: Whoa there, girl! I coughed on your food, I pulled a noodle out of my nose!
    Agnes: And strangely, I loved it. And you.
    Zack: (sounds like he's about to cry) But you love Cody!
  • Agnes: You're My Little Rebel. Agnes Likes!
    Zack: But...
    Agnes: (puts finger on Zack's lips) Shh. Don't speak. Your eyes speak for you.
    Zack: I wished they'd shut up!
  • Cody: Oh, hi, Agnes!
    Zack: Very funny, but that won't work.
    Agnes: Hi, Zack!
    Zack: AHH!
  • Agnes: Where's Zack?
    Cody: There's nothing you can do that will make me tell.
    Agnes: Five bucks.
    Cody: Soccer practice
  • Cody: Agnes, what Zack is trying to say is, you came on a little strong.
    Zack: No, what Zack is trying to say is, (opens door) leave.
  • Moseby: Please tell me you haven't lost your dog in my hotel.
    Maddie: I didn't lose him. We're just playing hide and go seek and he's winning!
    Esteban: Oh yes. He's very good. Marco (in a tiny voice) poyo.
    Moseby: First of all, that's not hide-n-seek. Secondly, you don't answer yourself, and thirdly, it's POLO!
  • London: Aww. Well she does look happy.
    Esteban: And if she's happy, aren't you happy?
    London: Yeah. Mommy's happy.
    Ivana: I don't know about you but I hear wedding bells!
    Maddie: Well this oughta bring mommy down. Now we're in-laws!! (hugs London)
    London: (screams) NO!

Commercial Breaks [1.25]

  • Carey: (Talking about being in a commercial that is being shot at the Tipton Hotel) I should just quit.
    Cody: No, Mom, you can't give up now. You're always telling us to persevere.
    Zack: Yeah, you should persevere. By the way, what does that mean?
  • (after London sings off-key)
    Herman: Why on earth should I put you in my commercial?!
    London: Because my daddy owns this hotel, and signs your checks.
    Herman: Brilliant! You are hired!
  • Moseby: I was tripped by that stupid chicken!
    Esteban: It wasn't his fault. His hat was on too tight.
    Moseby: No he did it on purpose. It was "fowl" play.
  • London: (Singing for the Tipton's commercial) When you stay at the... the...
    Moseby: It's your name!
    London: Oh. (Singing) When you stay at the London!
    Moseby: Your last name!
  • London: Nobody messes with London...
    Everyone: Tipton!
    London: I knew that! I was just pausing for dramatic effect!
  • (Singing)
    Esteban: Welcome to the Tipton!
    Maddie: Where everything is sweet!
    Patrick: Try joining us for dinner. May we offer you a seat?
    Carey: Next time stay at the Tipton! The Tipton puts you on top! When you stay at the Tipton, the good times they never stop! Because you're the star when you travel far. The food is always gourmet!
    Everyone: At the Tipton; it's your place to stay!
    Zack & Cody: We're livin' large at the Tipton. The Tipton's our place to play! Room service, movies and ice cream!
    Maddie: In Paris, New York, or Bombay!
    Everyone: Hang your hat! By our welcome mat! We want you to have it your way, your way! At the Tipton, at the Tipton, at the Tipton: Your place to stay!
    Zack and Cody: And bring the family!
    Everyone: The Tipton is the place to stay!
    Moseby: Check in!
  • Zack: We persevered, and hoped, and dreamed for the failure of others!
    Cody: And they didn't let us down!
    Carey: That's my boys!
  • Zack: This is great! This our chance to get on TV!
    Cody: Yeah, I always thought you'd be on TV. I just assumed you'd be in handcuffs.
    Zack: You mean, as a magician?
    Cody: (sarcastically) Yeah, that's it.
  • Carey: I can't believe I'm not in the commercial, except for my legs, which admittedly are pretty fantastic.
    Zack: I've seen better.
  • Zack: You were right, Mom. Show business really is dog-eat-dog.
    Esteban: Or chicken
  • Herman: Hey, I kicked you out! Don't think just because you changed clothes that I won't recognize you.
    Zack: No, you kicked my brother out, and I don't blame you. He's the speedbump on the road of entertainment.
    Herman: Nice try!
    Zack: No, really. We're TWINS!
    Herman: Please. Do you think I was born yesterday?
    Zack: Not with those wrinkles.
  • Demina: This food is only for the crew. Have you guys been eating it?
    Zack & Cody: (mouths full) No...
  • Herman: Please tell me there was film in the camera.
    Demina: I could, but I'd be lying. We used up all the film on the airhead heiress.
    London: (mouth open, she wags her finger at her and bobs her head)
    Demina: (bobs her head and shoulders side to side with worse attitude than London)
  • Cody: We gotta help her. This is Mom's big break and she's not GETTING any YOUNGER.
    Zack: Neither are we. We're pushing 13 and I don't have a lot of cute left in me.

Boston Holiday [1.26]

  • Carey: Mr. Babalu....
    Mr. Babalabalu: Ba-ba LA-ba-lu Babalabalu
  • Maddie: (To Zack) Elevator football again?
    Cody: You can be the cheerleader!
    (Zack tackles Cody and Cody screams. They are rolling around fighting for the ball when Mr. Moseby comes at yells at them.)
    Maddie: Three, five, seven, nine, Moseby will kick your behind! Whoo!
  • Zack: (To his prince friend, Sanjei) Try this hot dog.
    Sanjei: In this country you eat dogs?!
    Zack: No, a hot dog is made of..... well, nobody really knows for sure.
  • Zack: I have a plan.
    Cody: (To Sanjei) Don't listen to him. That's what he always says right before we get grounded.
    Zack: No, this plan is sure-fire.
    Cody: Correction. That's what he always says right before we get grounded.
  • Sanjei: Unhand me peasant! I am the Prince of Ishkabar!
    Delilah(the security guard): Uh-huh, and I'm the Queen of Sheba!
    Sanjei: Oh nice you meet you, your highness.
  • Zack: Let him go!
    Delilah: Who are you?
    Zack: I am Prince Sanjei's legal counsel. And as such I believe that he has diplomatic immunity.
    Delilah: And I believe you're going to mall jail!
  • London: Maddie, check this out! I made a sign for the aliens! (Shows Maddie a sign that reads, "Welcome, Aliens.")
    Maddie: 'Welcome, Aliens'? What if they don't speak English?
    London: Got it covered! (Turns the sign over and on the back it reads, "Hola, Aliens.")
Maddie: "Hola, Aliens?" I won't be needing you. Adios.
  • Carey: Delilah?
    Delilah: Carey?
    Moseby: You know each other?
    Carey: From my book club.
    Delilah: So, these are your twins?
    Carey: Sadly, yes.
  • Maddie and London: Ahhh!
    Alien: Ahhhh! They're hideous!
    London: Who you calling hideous, Mr. Avocado head?!
  • London: Oh well that explains your wrinkles!
    Alien: Carefull or I'll erase your mind!
    Maddie: Too late!

Season 2

Odd Couples [2.27]

  • London: Are you here for the Merit Scholar thing? (enunciating "scholar")
    Trevor: Uhh yeah yeah I am. I'm Trevor, Phi Beta Kappa.
    London: I'm London, buylotsofstuffa.
    Trevor: Haha alright that's clever!You know my mom belongs to that club. Last month my dad couldn't pay the renta.
    Maddie is listening behind and chuckles.
    London: By the way, perchance might you tell me the time of day?
    Trevor: Actually I believe it's time to escort a pretty lady to lunch.
    Maddie: (gasps in shock)
    While walking to lunch with him, London turns around and sticks her tongue at Maddie, who looks at the pair funny, her mouth still open
  • Trevor: (To London) Well see you later. I don't wanna miss the lecture on Genealogy!
    Trevor walks away
    London: I know all about genealogy! That's where you rub a lamp and get three wishes.
    Maddie: (After a pause) I've met bread smarter than you.
  • Trevor (London's date): (Talking about a painting) This is either a work of staggering genius or it was painted by a cat.
    London: How does he hold the brush?
  • London: After all, I am a merit scholar! (Walks away)
    Mr. Moseby: (Sarcastically) And I'm an Egyptian belly dancer named Melina!
    (A lady who overheard Mr. Moseby's sarcastic comment looks at him strangely)
    Mr. Moseby: Oh, I wear a veil! It's quite tasteful! (Starts belly dancing)
  • London: Moseby, which of the following phrases seems most smartical?
    Moseby: The one that doesn't use the word "smartical".
    London:(Starts ripping up her notepad)
  • Maddie puts a chip in London's ear so that she can have a conversation with Trevor.
    Maddie: (To London) Now, All you have to do is repeat everything I say.
    London: All you have to do is repeat everything I say.
    Maddie: Don't start yet London!
    London: Don't start yet London!
    Maddie: Stop it!
    London: Stop it!
    Maddie: (sigh) This isn't worth $100 bucks!
    London: (sigh) This isn't worth $100 bucks!
    Maddie: (gasp) Maddie, I'm going to pay you $250 bucks!
    London: (gasp) Maddie, not gonna happen.
  • Maddie (From behind the wall, into her brooch): Ask him what he'll do to help the environment when he's president.
    London: So, how are you gonna help the environment when you're president?
    Trevor: Actually, I think there're too many restrictions on developing the wilderness already.
    Maddie: What! How could you be such a jerk?!
    London: How could you be such a jerk?!
    Trevor: Excuse me!
    Maddie: Tell that jerk that it's people like him who are killing the environment.
    London: (muttering) I'd rather not.
    Trevor: You'd rather not what?
    London: Tell you that jerks like you are killing the environment.
    London: You are so fired!
    Trevor: I don't work for you.
    Maddie: (losing her temper and shouting) And neither do I. And you can tell Mr. Merit Scholar that he can—
    (Trevor walks behind the wall and sees her)
    Maddie: (smiles suddenly): Hellooo!
    London: Pay no attention to the woman behind the wall.
    Trevor: Wait. Who are you, and why are you insulting me?
    Maddie: I'm London's brain.
    (London nods)
    Maddie: I'm the one who's been talking to you all day and I can't stand any of your drivel any longer! (Rips brooch off and throws it on the ground)
    Trevor: Okay, what's going on?
    London: Okay. The truth is, I'm not a Merit Scholar. I'm not even smart. Maddie's been coaching me through this computer chocolate chip.
    Trevor: But why would you need coaching? (to Maddie) Wait. Did she just say "computer chocolate chip"?
    Maddie: Enough said.
    Trevor: So you mean all you said about art, music and literature...they weren't your opinions?
    London: Nope! Except for the part about the banana nut muffins. I really like them, they're soft from the banana, and crunchy from the nuts!
    Maddie: It doesn't get much deeper than that.
    Maddie: The good news is, nut-girl here will probably vote for you...unlike me.
    Trevor: Well I don't need the vote of some tree-hugger like you.
    Maddie: If it were up to you, there wouldn't even be any trees left to hug!
    Trevor: Next you're going to blame the oil companies for global warming.
    Maddie: Yeah, cuz they're to blame!
    Trevor: Oh, cry me a river!
    Maddie: If I did, you'd pollute it!
    Trevor: You bleeding-heart liberal!
    Maddie: Establishment puppet!
    Trevor: Do you wanna kiss me as much as I wanna kiss you?!
    Maddie: I'm surprised someone as smart as you would even have to ask!
    (They kiss)
    London: (to Norman) Wow. Didn't see that coming!
    Maddie: I hate you!
    Trevor: I hate you more!
    (They kiss again)
    London: Boy, I wonder what they'd do if they liked each other...
  • Cody: (Holds up chocolate pudding) I found your pudding.
    Zack: Oh, thanks. But I could've sworn it was vanilla when I lost it.
  • Jeremy: I know I should conquer Australia, but I hear they have all these poisonous animals.
    Bob: For the last time, it is just a game! You will not at any time actually go to Australia.
  • Carey: Okay, guys. That's it. You've gotta clean up. Cody, get to work. Zack... get a bulldozer.
  • Zack: Who would rather be in a 6 by 6 room...
    Carpet Person: Actually it is 6 1/2 by 6 3/4.
    Zack: Who cares? You people would rather spend your time in a tiny closet with a million people in it than my room?
    Everyone: YES!!
  • inside Cody's closet
    Bob: Isn't this awesome?
    Jeremy: It's like a little house.
    Warren: It's elegant yet casual.
    Bob: It's sophisticated yet tasteful.
    Zack: I think it's stupid yet stupid.
  • Cody: Is it safe to come in?
    Zack: Not funny.
    Carey: Yeah. Your brother finally saw a new light, and the floor.
  • Zack: So we're roomies again?
    Cody: As long as you keep everything sanitary!
    Zack: Deal!
    Zack and Cody spitshake much to Carey's disgust and dismay.
  • Zack (after Cody sits on his bed): Do you mind? I just made that!
    Carey: I'm dreaming... no one pinch me!

French 101 [2.28]

  • London (to a purse snatcher): You can't have this purse! It doesn't match your outfit!
  • Police Officer: (To London) Nice work! We could use you on the force.
    London: Thanks! But I don't wear polyester...
  • Arwin: This time you really got beat up by a girl! Ha ha!
    (after seeing how upset Esteban is) Er, (in a deeper voice) A big, SCARY girl!
    London: Excuse me?!
    Arwin: (in deep voice) A big, scary, (in high voice) pretty! (deep voice) girl!
  • Jolie: Papa, Cody m'a demandéer de sortir avec lui demain soir. Puis-j'y aller? (Daddy, Cody asked me out for a date with him tomorrow night. Can I go? )
    Ambassador: A date? You'll will need a chaperon.
    Moseby: I completely agree.
    Ambassador: Good. So you'll do it.
    Moseby: Say what?!
    Ambassador: Say yes, or we're checking out.
  • Zack: Moseby, ask Jolie out for me.
    Moseby: Sorry, I'm working for your brother.
    Zack: OK, I'll do it myself. (to Jolie) You, me (wild gestures) dinner, dancing.
    Jolie: J'ai peur. (I'm afraid)
    Zack: See! She wants me.
    Moseby: Yes, arrested.
  • Jolie: Zat is so... spicy!
    Moseby: Oh you mean sweet.
    Jolie: No. Spicy.
    Jolie kisses Zack.
    Cody: (After seeing Jolie kiss Zack) This how you get a girl back for me?!
    Zack: It's not what it looks like!
    Cody: Well I'm gonna kick your A...
    Moseby: Derrière
    Cody: That too!
  • Bob comes in to the lobby and sees Cody chasing Zack.
    Bob: Where are they going?
    Moseby: Hopefully, the Bermuda Triangle (leaves).
    Bob: So that means Jolie's free?
    Moseby: Ask her yourself. I'm done translating.
    Bob: OK! (turns to Jolie) Est-ce que tu veux sortir avec moi? (Would you like to go out with me?)
    Jolie: OUI!!! (YES!!!)
    As they leave arm in arm Bob turns and smiles at the camera.

Day Care [2.29]

  • London: You never gave up on me when I was learning the alphabet!
    Moseby, whimpering: But that took 14 years!
    London: And now I know my ABDs.
  • Randall: Maddie, I hurt my finger again, can you kiss it?
    Maddie: Randall, I already kissed it five times.
    Randall: I think I cut my lips (makes a kissing face)
    Maddie: Nice try.
    Randall(to his friend): She wants me!
  • Randall: I just ate 12 sugar sticks. You ever ate 12 sugar sticks?!
    Zack: Try 12 sugar logs... with a 6 packs of soda!
  • London:I'm doing this because I care about your health!
    (Jumps on Mr. Moseby's back)
  • Zack: (Watching Cody calming a baby) Wow, how'd you figure out that rock and bounce technique?
    Cody: It's not a technique. I just really have to go to the bathroom!
  • Esteban:(Singing) Rock a bye chicken in the tree top. Watch out for the farmer. Your head he will chop.
    Zack: Don't you know any lullubies that doesn't involve decapitating poultry?
  • Zack:{folding his arms on the little girl} Gotcha!
    Little girl:I hate you.
    Zack: Get in line.
  • (Cody puts out ice cream to catch a kid)
    Cody: (after bringing net down) Aha! Got ya!
    Turns out, it was Zack who got the ice cream
    Zack: Do you mind? I'm eating here.
  • London:{teaching Moseby to relax} Empty your head of all thoughts!
    Carey:Easy for you to say.

Heck's Kitchen [2.30]

  • Cody: Zack, stuff the chicken with vegetables!
    Zack: What if she doesn't like them?
    Cody: She's dead.
    Zack: Well then that'll make it easier!
  • Cody: (After his food caught on fire) My poor seafood medley.
    Zack: It's seafood dead-ly now!
  • Patrick: It's not my fault!... no matter what Daddy says.
  • Cody: London, get Garry and get Rich.
    London: Oh, but I'm already rich.
    Cody: (annoyed sigh) Just get the waiters!
  • Maddie: (Referring to London's Elizabethan collar) Interesting fashion choice, London. Does that thing get cable?
  • London: (attempting to cut meat) Ew. Ew. This is so gross and it's taking forever!
    Maddie: That's because you're cutting with a spoon.
    London: (Holds up the spoon) But, Moseby won't let me use knives.
    [Maddie looks at Moseby]
    Moseby: Don't ask
  • Cody: London, peel and devein the shrimp.
    London: Right. (pauses) What does that mean?
    Cody: London, tell Maddie to peel and devein the shrimp.
  • Cody: London, get out there and toss a salad.
    London: At who?
  • Cody: London, boil some water.
    London: How do I know when it's boiling?
    Maddie: When you put your hand in it and yell ow.
  • Moseby: Are you serious? This is for a food critic who has eaten at the top restaurants in the world. He's not gonna be satisfied with (mockingly) "mac 'n cheese" and "teeny weinies."
    [Cody spoonfeeds him]
    Moseby: Sweet mama, that's good!
  • London: I thought I was being invited to a party.
    Maddie: You are. Now, put your party hat on. (Shoves a chef's hat over London's head)
    London: Hey, look. I'm a lampshade!
  • Cody: (tastes Zack's pan) Needs salt... (tastes Maddie's pan) needs pepper...(tastes Carey's pan and immediately spits out) This is terrible!
    Carey: It's dishwater.
    Cody: Needs soap.
  • Patrick: Thank you for your patience. Your meal is on its way. That's what you get for ordering extra cheese.
    [Food cart rolls in and hits Patrick]
    Patrick: *girlish shriek* (falls into the "critic's" lap) Please forgive my girlish shriek.
  • Zack, Carey, London, & Maddie: (stomp on the squid) WHAT!
  • Real Critic: You better make sure they're ALL perfect because you're never going to recognize me.
    Zack: But, you're NOT wearing a disguise right now...
    Real Critic: (with woman's voice) That's what you think.

Free Tippy [2.31]

  • London: I called the restaurant yesterday and they said it might be in the trash!
    Carey: Well did you look in the trash?
    London: Please in this outfit?!
  • Carey: Do you have a looking-in-the-trash outfit?
    London: Last year's Attore Vittali. (rushes to elevator)
    Carey: (sighing) It must be nice to be rich.
    London: You should try it.
  • Moseby: (talking to Mr. Tipton on cell phone) No sir, that's Mrs. Delacourt.
    Mrs. Delacourt: (talks into phone) Of the Boston Delacourt's, we own the larger island next to yours; by the way, your yacht looks a tad ratty!
  • Carey: Boys, do you know there's a horse in the living room?
    Zack: No, but if you hum a few bars I'll give it a shot!
    Carey glares at the twins.
  • Moseby: Mrs. Delacourt, for your event tonight the hotel will be spotless.
    They go into the lobby and see everybody.
    Moseby: Except for the orphans (Zack and Cody), the horse, the girl covered in garbage (London), and the Junk Man (Arwin).
    Arwin: The Junk Man? Where? I love junk.
  • Zack: (whispering) Here, Tippy. Here, horsey.
    Cody: What are you doing?
    Zack: Horse whispering.
  • Maddie: (about the replacement brooch) London, that is not the point. This one doesn't have sentimental value.
    London: That's right. It has dollar-mental value.
  • Sound of flatulence
    Henry: Oh Tippy!
    Mrs. Delacourt: That wasn't Tippy.
    Zack, Cody, Henry, and Tippy look at her.

Forever Plaid [2.32]

  • Moseby: London, I have a message from your father. He is outraged your poor attendance record at school.
    London: How'd he find out?
    Moseby: He went to your school open house, and they've never heard of you.
    London: (gasp) Daddy went to open house? He does care!
    Moseby: Well he cares so much that he's having you transferred to "Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow".
    Maddie: That's funny, my school has the same name. What are the odds? (laughs)
    Moseby: (nods)
    Maddie: (starts crying)
    London : You mean, I have to wear... (holds Maddie up) ...plaid!? Three days a week?!
    Moseby: School is five days a week.
    London: (gasp) This just gets worse and worse! (starts crying along with Maddie)
    Moseby: Glad to see you're bonding.
  • Maddie: Hey, guys, I'd like you to meet—
    Carey: London Tipton! I can't believe London Tipton's in our cafeteria!
    London: Me neither.
    Corrie: I just met London Tipton!
    Mary: I met her months ago. Believe me, the thrill wears off.
    London: Oh, well, then I guess I'm not inviting you to the Bandini Fashion Show today.
    Mary: The thrill is back! Want to be best friends?
    London: (clapping) Yay me! I made a friend in prison!
  • Carey: (Awestruck) I can't believe London Tipton's in our English class!
    London: (To Mary Margaret and Maddie) She scares me.
    Corrie: (Excitedly) I scare London Tipton!
  • Sister Dominick: Ms. Tipton, you have a comment?
    London: Yes. You know, about that assignment thingy?
    Sister Dominick: Yes?
    London: It doesn't work for me.
    Sister Dominick: Oh. Do you have other plans?
    London (not getting the teacher's sarcasm): As a matter of fact, I do.
    Sister Dominick: Well, what works for you?
    London: (to Maddie) Look how reasonable she is. I don't know why you keep saying these nuns are so mean.
    Maddie: Sister, I never said that. I said how much you... mean to me.
    London: That's not what you said.
    Maddie: Shut up!
    Sister Dominick: We don't say "shut up."
    London: Somebody just did.
  • (after Maddie accidentally hit Sister Dominick with a paper ball)
    London: Somebody's in trouble.
    Carey:Yeah Somebody's in trouble.
    Sister Dominick: Actually, two somebodies.
    London: Who? Who? The creepy weird girl? (points at Carey)
    Sister Dominick: No, the spoiled hotel heiress.
    London: (gasps) Is Paris Hilton in this class?
    Sister Dominick: No, I'm talking about you. You and your friend Maddie have just bought yourselves two hours of detention.
    Maddie: But I've never gotten detention in my entire LIFE.
    London: Neither have I.
    Maddie: That's because you never go to school!
    London: And now you know why.
  • Corrie(recognizing London and Maddie in their nuns' habits) : Oh my gosh, it's London Tipton.
    London: (Shushing) I'm undercover.
    Corrie: (Gasps) London Tipton's undercover!
    London: London Tipton's gonna smack you silly if you don't shut up.
  • Mary: You're supposed to be in detention.
    Maddie (wailing): I think I'm going to a much worse place.
    Mary: I'll pray for you.
  • Zack: This hole is only for me and my brother.
    Bob: I've got 10 bucks.
    Zack: Hello, Brother Bob!
  • Maddie: I've never even gotten a B before.
    London & Zeke: Me neither.
    Maddie: And now I'm stuck in here with a bunch of losers!
    London: (taps Zeke on the shoulder) What are you in for?
    Zeke: I hit a kid who called me a LOSER!
    Maddie: (stands up) Sister, save me!
    [Halleluyah starts playing.]
    Sister Dominick: (Picks up cell phone) Bless you for calling.
  • Sister Theresa: Anyway, we can't wait until we hear all about our sister convent in Helsinki.
    London: We prefer to call it Heck-sinki.
  • Bob: Darn! Well at least I know that the girl likes boys who are honest!
    Zack: If you ever date her, make sure you tell her that you first spotted her through a hole in the wall!
    Bob: I think I'll leave that out.
  • Carey: You're gonna write those girls an apology and an essay on why peeping is wrong. Five hundred words each.
    Zack: Five hundred words? Couldn't you just ground us?
    Carey: 1,000.
    Zack: 1,000?!
    Carey: 2,000. You wanna go for three?
    Cody: Quit while we're behind. You don't even know 3,000 words.
  • Corrie: (dancing to Maddie & London's song) I love this one!
    Mary: It's gibberish.
    Corrie: Wait, I thought it was Finnish.
  • Maddie: (talking in Finland accent) You're a pain in my floogin.
    London: Love you too!
  • Arwin: Ow! The termite poked me in the eye. Ow. They're really angry!
  • [Zeke locks Maddie & London out of the detention room]
    Maddie: Hey, open the door!
    Zeke: (from inside) I'm too big a LOSER to open the door.
    Maddie: That doesn't make any SENSE.
    Zeke: I'm too big a-LOSER to make any sense.
    Maddie: Oh, SHUT UP!
    Zeke: I'm too big a LOSER to—
    [Maddie hits the window. The terrified Zeke shuts the blinds]


  • London and Maddie Finnish/Gibberish Talk (dressed up as nuns)
  • London: Casa bluegen derhoogen
    Maddie: Casa blanken supermeagen dukeseagulhooper
    London: She says "hi."
  • Nun: What's your favorite thing about Boston?
    London: Casa booben shneekfer blingy Boston
    Maddie: Oh... (rubs stomach) Eesha nyesa inne, yummy yummy.
    London: Lots of cute boys!
    [Audience of nuns are disgusted]
    Maddie: (to London) You bein dumben asta posten!


Election [2.33]

  • Maddie: (Speaking about London's lack of knowledge about politics)... Oh please. She thinks debate (DA-BAIT) is how you catch "da fish"!
  • Maddie: We're going to cheat our way to winning this election!
    Cody: But doen't that go against everything that you believe in?
    Maddie: Yes but in this case, the end justifies the means.
  • Cody: OK but promise me that nobody will get hurt.
    Maddie: I can't make that promise!
    Cody: Oddly, I'm OK with that.
  • Agnes: Can I be your queen?
    Cody: How about a hall monitor.
    Agnes: Can i wear a crown?
    Cody: Yes.
    Agnes: Deal.
  • Zack: Hey Maddie, I'm running for class president!
    Maddie: Great! What's your platform?
    Zack: "Vote for Zack"
    Maddie: No, that's your slogan. Your platform covers the issues you care about. What do you care about most?
    Zack: I care about the people who vote for Zack!
  • Cody: I on the other hand am running because I actually care about the school. Zack's only running because he wants to go to Hawaii.
    Zack: No, that's my main goal. My other goals are to impress the babes with my power.
  • Arwin: This will increase luggage handling by 13.5%.
    Moseby: How did you arrive at that number?
    Arwin: I made it up.
  • (on Arwin's out-of-control luggage cart)
    Arwin: It's got a mind of its own!
    Moseby: That's more than I can say for you!
    Arwin: That hurts.
  • Zack and Cody enter the lobby and see Moseby and Arwin on the automated luggage cart going out of control.
    Zack: Great, and we're not allowed to play in the lobby.
  • Moseby: Actually, since the employees heard you were building robots to replace them, efficiency has gone up 32.5%.
    Arwin: How did you arrive at that number?
    Moseby: I made it up.

Moseby's Big Brother [2.34]

  • Maddie: Well if he's broke then why don't you give him a job here at the hotel?
    Moseby: Splendid! how about Candy Counter girl?
    Maddie: How about we never had this conversation?
  • Cody is done fixing the bike.
    Zack: Hey so we did a good job!
  • Zack: I was at the park! I met this girl. Celina. We started sitting and talking, and riding and talking, and drinking sodas and talking. Wow girls can talk!
  • Carey: Having a younger sibling can be tough. I remember torturing my younger sister.
    Moseby: I didn't know you had a sister.
    Carey: Yeah, she doesn't talk to me anymore.
  • Cody: It's about doing your homework, eating your broccoli when mom isn't looking!
    Zack: You offered it to me!
    Cody: Yeah, because that's what brothers do for each other! But it's never reciprocal!
    Zack: Huh?
    Cody: Reciprocal means, it would be nice if you did something for me for a change!
    Zack: I did! You offered me money and I took it!
  • Zack: Whoa! Hot babe!
    Cody: Hey thanks for pointing her out! (Grabs the bike helmet off Zack's head, takes the bike and rides off) Hey babe! Wanna ride on my handle bars?
    Zack: He's so in over his head.
  • Spencer: (to Maddie) Nice to meet you. I don't know what you do, but I'm sure my brother underpays you.
    Maddie: That's for sure. (laughs)
    Moseby glares at her.
  • Moseby: I have had enough. I am going to march right upstairs and stand up to Spencer!
    Cody: And I am going to give Zack a piece of my mind!
    Moseby & Cody: (at the same time) You first!
  • Spencer: Since we're apologizing, I'm sorry for shaping dork hair in your head when you were five.
    Moseby: You said it was the hair gremlin!
    Spencer: I lied.
    Moseby: WHAT? [Angrily] People called me dork hair for years! Including Mom.
    Spencer: Its not my fault Mom liked me the best
    Moseby: We both know why Mom liked you best.
    Spencer: Don't go there!
    Moseby: Oh yes!
    Spencer: Don't go there!
    Moseby: Oh yes! because you were lactose intolerant.
    Spencer: [angrily] OOOH! YOU went there!!
    Moseby: (taunting) Who's afraid of chee-ese? Who's afraid of chee-ese?
  • Esteban: Wait a minute. Should we be taking advantage of poor Miss London like this?
    Maddie: Please. When she had trouble potty training her dog, she made you dress up like a hydrant.
    Esteban: Oh, let's really stick it to her good!
  • Maddie sent a fake horoscope to London and she's wearing a bunny costume
    Maddie: Hop on along on down the bunny trail.
    Esteban: And if need luck just rub on your own feet.
    London: Don't be ridiculous. That would make me look silly.
    She chews on a carrot and starts hopping away.
  • Maddie: I can't believe we are going to a ball and riding the limo!
    Esteban: Where I come from a limo is a llama pulling a cartridge! Its called the llamo!
  • London shows up in fireman gear and sprays Maddie and Esteban with foam.
    Maddie: (To London about her horoscope) How did you catch on?
    London: Oh, it was easy! I used logic, cunning, and I heard you and Esteban laughing about it.
    Esteban: So, you think we can still ride in the limo?
    London sprays Maddie and Esteban with foam from the firehose again.
  • Carey: I know how you feel. Sharing is tough. I tried to share a boyfriend once with Nikki Marsh.
    Cody: So she got the guy?
    Carey: No, I got him, but he ate all my animal crackers.
    Cody: Oh, so you were in kindergarden.
    Carey: No, high school.
  • Spencer: (to Moseby) Are you beLITTLING me?!

Books & Birdhouses [2.35]

  • Zack: Woodshop is great. Mr. Woodburn loves me.
    Carey: (shocked) Did you say a teacher loves you?
    Zack: Yeah, that threw me for a loop, too.
  • Cody: Take an easy class? Like woodshop?
    Zack: What makes you think woodshop is easy?
    Cody: Duh, you're taking it.
  • Zack: These safety rules were made for your own protection.
    Cody: Oh, yeah? And who came up with them?
    Bob: 9-finger Nick.
  • Mr. Woodburn: ....and thats how the screw driver gots its name! When you need to drive a screw you use .... a screw driver!
  • Zack: Do you think wood grows on trees?
  • Cody: This shirt is 100% linen! If I tuck it in it will get wrinkled!
    Zack: Well there's a 100% chance that you will get wrinkled when you get stuck in the sanding machine!
  • Zack: How come you never bake me cookies when I get a "C"?
    Carey: Honey, there's not enough dough in the world. Zack:Well its true
  • Cody: I didn't make this clock. Zack did, and I made that. (points to his work).
    Mr. Woodburn: The wheelbarrow?
    Cody: Actually it's supposed to be a birdhouse.
    Mr. Woodburn: If it's a birdhouse, it gets an "F". If it's a wheelbarrow, it's a "C".
    Cody: It's a wheelbarrow.
  • Carey: Well, the best part is I have this gorgeous clock and this lovely wheelbarrow.
    Cody: It's a birdhouse.
    Carey: That's what I said.
  • London: Remember, reading makes you smartererer.
  • Maddie: In fact, it can make a great children's story. My name is Ivana. I live at the Tipton. It's a very special hotel.
    London: Uh-huh.
    Maddie: There's Maddie and Moseby. There's Zack and there's Cody, and London who loves me so well.
    London: Ooh! What a great story! How can you make it up on the spot? Is there a name for that?
    Maddie: Intelligence.
  • Maddie: My name is Ivana. I live at the Tipton. It's a very special hotel. Wait a minute I wrote this!
    London: No you spoke it but I wrote it.
    Maddie: Writing it down doesn't make you the author!
    London: But getting an "A" does. "A" me!
  • Maddie: Yes, I promise I won't tell. Or may the evil Fitzpatrick leprechaun steal me away in the night.
    London: (chuckling) You actually believe in evil leprechauns?
    Maddie: They're not all nice you know.
  • London: Moseby! Look what daddy got me! A Golden Pen!
    Moseby: Well it was A job well done! Hahaha! (Looks at Maddie who shakes her head in barely controlled disgust) Oh! Well London I didn't know you had it in you!
    Maddie: (sarcastically)Maybe she had it right beside her!
    London: (with a steel edge to her voice) You know for my next story I will write about a girl who breaks her promise and is taken away by evil leprechauns.
  • London: Sister Dominick, Maddie is jealous of me on top of being rich and beautiful!
    Sister Dominick: Oh Maddie! Maddie! Maddie! Maddie! Jealousy doesn't make a person in fact it is one of the deadly sins!
    Maddie: So is stealing!
  • Maddie: Sister Dominick, London has something to say to you.
    London: Sister,...when they make my book into a movie, I want Britney Spears to play me.
    Sister Dominick: OHHH i love her! She's such a talented actress.
    Both London and Sister Dominick jump for joy while a disdainful and dismayed Maddie looks on.
  • Sister Dominick: (to London after the truth comes out) It's OK dear. Maddie should not have tempted you.
    Maddie: But Sister.
    Sister Dominick: You can work it out tomorrow at detention.
    Maddie: That is cruel and unusual punishment!
    Sister Dominick: No, reading your Svetlana story was. "Gently froze to death"....give me a break!

Not So Sweet 16 [2.36]

  • Maddie: Great news!
    Esteban: The revolution has begun in my country and they want to put my grandmama back on the throne?
  • Zack: Esteban, I need to talk to you man to man.
    Esteban: Oh, don't tell me you want to talk about the birdies and the besies.
    Zack: I already had that talk with my Dad.
  • Zack: Listen, I want to get Maddie the perfect gift for her birthday. What do you think she wants?
    Esteban: Well, I know she wants Miss London to change the date of her party.
    Zack: I meant something that I can wrap.
    Esteban: Ah. Well, what man really knows the perfect gift?
    Cody: Here it is. Maddie's perfect gift.
    Esteban: I guess it would be that man.
  • Zack: What did you get her?
    Cody: A tea set, including a China cup with her name painted on it, her favorite tea imported from India, and a box of cinnamon sticks.
    Zack: Well, how did you know she wanted all that?
    Cody: Because last week, she said to us, "For my birthday, I'd really like a China cup with my name painted on it, my favorite tea imported from India, and a box of cinnamon sticks."
    Zack: What was I doing when she said that?
    Cody: Staring at her, thinking about that talk we had with Dad.
  • London: (after showing the twins her automated invitations) Zack and Cody, you'll be there. After all why won't you?
    Maddie: Because they're coming to my party.
    Cody: London, will there really be a ferris wheel at your party?
    London: Of course.
    Maddie: Zack and Cody are not going to be taken in by your fancy invitations, ferris wheel, or gifts, right?
    Zack and Cody: Right.
    London: There will also be gift bags with flat-screen TV's in them.
    Cody: That I'll be taken in by!
    Maddie looks at Cody in horror.
    Zack: Well I'm not.
    Maddie turns to London with a smile.
    Zack: (Whispers to Cody) Bring me an extra gift bag.
  • Cody: My good lady, can you help us?
    Snooty Saleswoman: The potty is on the main floor.
    Cody: Madame, we went before we left home.
    Snooty Saleswoman: Oh, goody for you.
  • Liam: Hi Maddie. I mean Fattie.
    Maddie: Carey this my little Booger brother Liam.
    Liam: I've bad news for you. I need braces.
    Maddie: Why is that bad news for me?
    Liam: Because Mom and Dad are paying for them out on your party money. So instead of the Pimento Gardens, it's at the Goose Lodge. (Leaves the lobby imitating goose honking)
    Carey: I see why you call him Booger.
  • Moseby: Everything's in place for the party.
    London: Did you make sure Mommy and Daddy are in separate rooms.
    Moseby: Separate wings.
  • Maddie: (to Mary and Carey) But I thought you guys were coming to my party.
    Mary: Maddie, we will be there...later..we promise.
    Carey: Uh yeah. That's why we came here early.
    Maddie: Oh go peddle your fish somewhere else.
  • London: Maddie, you can't blame them for wanting to come to my party. After all they are my friends too.
    Maddie: I hope you realize they're here for all the stuff, not because they like you.
    London: (to Mary and Carey) Is that true?
    Carey: You know I'll do anything for you London.
    Mary: I'm pretty much here for the stuff.
    London: And I'm okay with that.
    Mary: Oh look, more stuff!
  • Carey: London, when you said you wanted me to sing to the guests, I thought it would be in the main room, not the bathroom.
    London: I want my guests to be entertained at all times.
    Carey: Well now my career is literally in the toilet.
  • Maddie: This is so unfair! I have to have my party at the Goose Lodge because my brother needs braces. (to Liam) Thanks a lot, you thumb sucker!
    Liam: You have no friends! Except this creepy dweeb!
    Zack: Come over here, booger! (clenches a fist) I'll straighten your teeth!
  • Maddie: Those must be some of the kids from school.
    A group of senior citizens comes in.
    Zack: They must have been left back.
  • Moseby: Excuse me gentlemen this is a private party!
    Tipton: Don't worry Moseby it's me!
    London: Daddy!
    Moseby: Oh sir! Its good to see you again. Well it's great to see your security team again.
  • Grandma Marilyn: Excuse me honey, I want to see if that hunk still has some game.
    Maddie: Great, my nana is hooking up at my party.
  • Old Guy: (to Maddie) Awww, sorry this card is mismarked you didn't get an "O". You only got the BING.(accidentally spitting on her face)
  • Grandma Marilyn: Maybe you don't have all that, but you have something else. A room full of people that love you and want to help you celebrate a special day.
    Maddie: Except for Liam.
    Grandma Marilyn: Liam's a dork.
  • Maddie: (After opening Zack's/Cody's present) Oh, and there's a card in here!
    Zack: A card?
    Maddie: (reads) Dear Maddie. Zack didn't buy you this, I did. Love Cody.
    Zack: Just like him to put it in the inside! Look, Maddie, I wanted to get you the perfect gift, but everything was too expensive! And they don't sell puppies to minors, so...
    Maddie: (To Zack) I love your present!
    Zack: But it's not even from me!
    Maddie: I'm not talking about the gift. You came to my party, and that's the best present I could've ever gotten.
    Zack: Women....
    Maddie pulls Zack close to her and hugs him
    Zack: (sighing) Women!!!
  • London: We don't need to have fancy stuff to have fun! We can have fun just the two of us.
    Maddie and London look around and look at each other, then everybody comes in.
    Maddie & London: Thank Goodness!
  • Zack: Are you mad that I stole your present (for Maddie)?
    Cody: Not as long as you're not mad that I gave your gift bag to the cute maid from the seventh floor.
    Zack looks upset at first but then Maddie pulls him to the floor to dance.
    Zack: Oddly, I'm OK with that.
  • Zack: (To Maddie) I'm ready to party!(Sees all the old people while nothing is going on) Who died?

Twins at the Tipton [2.37]

  • Zack: I wanna make fun of Cody before his date, and its always nice to have back up.
    Bob: Actually I'm here because there is no date...Irma postponed it.
    Bob:When I say postponed, I mean dumped!
    Zack: She dumped him? That'll crush him! We'll have to break it to him gently.
    Cody walks in
    Zack: Welcome to the club!
    Cody: What club?
    Zack: The-Guys-Who-Aren't-Dating-Irma Club.
    Bob: That's your idea of gentle?
    Zack: Hey I didn't hit him.
  • Cody: What happened?
    Bob: I got it directly from the source. Irma told Phill (Phill Lewis) who told Kim (Kim Rhodes) who told Brenda (Brenda Song) who told Ashley (Ashley Tisdale) who told Dylan (Dylan Sprouse) who told Cole (Cole Sprouse) who told ME... (catches his breath) it's over. She went back with her old boyfriend.
    Cody:(speaking with disgust) NO! Not Joaquin! The guy with the 12 speed bike and the puka shell necklace!
  • Kirk & London': (runs into each other) Hi!
    Both moves together and runs into each other again
    Kirk & London
    : Hi!
    Kirk: Okay, you go to your right, I'll go to my left.
    London: Wait, which way is my right?
    Kirk: Let's see (moves to London's position)...I write with right hand...This one!(lifts his right hand to show London)
    Bumps into each other once again
    London: (chuckles Hi! I'm London, like the city.
    Kirk: Hi! I'm Kirk, like the captain.
    London: Well... Hi, Captain.
  • Jessica: (asking Zack and Bob) Excuse me, I'm Jessica, have you by any chance seen a girl who looks exactly like me?
    Zack: Yeah, last night, in my dreams. (waves hands)
  • Kirk: I'd a chocolate bar, please.
    Maddie: You can have anything you want!
    Kirk: I'd like a chocolate bar.
  • Maddie: What are you looking for?
    London: Not a what, a who, a HOT who.
    Maddie: You met a hot who? Where?
    London: Here!
    Maddie: I met a hot who here too!
    Kirk walks up to the candy counter.
    Maddie and London: There he is! (suddenly realizing) That's your cute guy! That's my cute guy! Tell her!
    Kirk: Wow! Do you guys rehearse?
    Maddie and London: No! (looks at each other angrily)
  • Zack: These are gorgeous English twins, on vacation. What they do in Boston stays in Boston.
    NOTE: Obvious parody of the Vegas theme.
  • Cody: I dunno. Maybe you're right.
    Zack: Maybe? These girls have British accents! Even when they dump you it'll sound great!
    Cody gives Zack a look
    Zack: Which they won't because you're one terrific guy!
  • London: This double date is going to be so much fun, Patrick always gives me a great table. (London hands Moseby some money, thinking it's Patrick) Table for four please!
    Moseby (pops up): Ooooh, now I know why Patrick drives a foreign sports car.
    Maddie: Moseby, Where's Patrick?
    Moseby: He crashed his foreign sports car.
    London: Why isn't Rich filling in for him?
    Moseby: Rich is the one he crashed into.
    London: What about Gary?
    Moseby: Gary got hit by the ambulance; this way.
  • Dirk: Did you know....?
    Everyone in the restaurant: Don't care!
  • Jessica: There, there, sweetie cry on my shoulder.
    Cody goes to her shoulder pouting.
    Janice: No he wants to cry on my shoulder.
    Janice brings Cody to her shoulder.
    Jessica: Well he has two eyes doesn't he?
    Jessica brings Cody back to her shoulder all as a sullen Zack looks on from the opposite side of the table.
  • Janice: You know Cody, it's not good to keep thing's bottled up
    Jessica: Not good at all
    Janice: Bad really...
    Jessica: Really bad.
    Zack: (in british accent) oh not really.
  • Cody: I miss Irma!
    Janice: I miss Ronald!
    Jessica: I miss Troy!
    Zack: Everyone having a goood time?
    (Cody, Janice, and Jessica start crying)
  • Dirk: There's this girl I met tonight that I would really like a second chance with. Do you think she might be interested?
    Maddie: She might be.
    Dirk: Good, because I'm nuts about London. Can you distract Kirk so that I can ask her out? I think she's really hot and I like them dumb and rich!
    Maddie: Well, I know London likes them rude and soggy!
    grabs a pitcher of water and pours it on Dirk
    Maddie: (mimicking him for the beginning of the sentence) Did you know, you're soaking wet?
  • Zack: And then when I was back they were crying in their pizza!
    Carey: Well I'm sorry but you got what you deserve!
    Zack: Is there no shoulder for me to cry on?
    Carey: You pushed your brother into dating before he was ready. It's going to be a while until he is confortable around girls.
    Just then Cody comes in with Jessica and Janice, all three laughing.
    Cody: I had a wonderful time ladies.
    Jessica: See you tomorrow at breakfast!
    Janice: Remember, tea and scones!
    Kiss Goodbye
    Cody: Pip-pip! Cheerio! Ta-ta! Peace out!! Yesss!!! (turns to Zack) I can't thank you enough. If it weren't for you, I would be all alone and so depressed.
    Goes into his room singing Rule Britannia
    Carey whistles the rest of the song and Zack gives her a look.
    Carey: Sorry..

Neither a Borrower Nor a Speller Bee [2.38]

  • Carey: [to cody] You know, I came second in my spelling bee.
    Cody: Really?
    Carey: Yeah. I would've won it too If it weren't for politics.
    Cody: Yeah, there's always politics in everything.
    Carey: No, it was the word politics. I spelled it P-O-L-I-T-I-C-K-S.
    Zack: So, you got it right?!
  • (Zack asks his mom for money).
    Carey: Zack, remember, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." - William Shakespeare.
    Zack: "I just need a couple of bucks." - Zack Martin.
  • (Zack's mom refuses to give him money)
    Cody: Don't tell him that! Last time he needed money, he tried to sell my blood! Lucky I'm a light sleeper...
  • Spelling Bee Official: Your word is "fracas."
    Barbara Brownstein (Cody's competitor in the spelling bee): Could you repeat the word, please?
    Spelling Bee Official: Fracas?
    Barbara: Country of origin?
    Spelling Bee Official: France.
    Barbara: Defintion?
    Spelling Bee Official: "A disorderly disturbance or fight."
    Barbara: Could you use it in a sentence?
    Spelling Bee Official: "If you don't spell this word soon, there will be a fracas."
    Barbara: Fracas. F-R-A-K-I-S. Fracas.
    Spelling Bee Official (rings wrong answer buzzer): Ooh, so close.
    Barbara: F-R-A-C-I-S.
    (rings buzzer): C-E-S.
    (rings buzzer): I-S.
    (rings buzzer): U-S!
    Spelling Bee Official: "U-S" done!
  • Maynard: I have another way for you to pay off your debt to me.
    Zack: (holds out arms for hug) You wanna be best friends forever?!
    Maynard: No.
  • Zack: Don't worry your big brother has a way to get rid of all your stress!
    Cody: Really? What should I do?
    Zack: Lose!
    Cody: Don't think so.
    Zack: Hear me out. If you make your mind right now to lose, then the pressure's off.
    Cody: Even for you that's a stupid idea!
    Zack: It's a great idea. It's my motto—"Aim low and avoid disappointment."
    Cody: I thought your motto was "sleep and eat."
    Zack: It's my other motto and it's not as easy as it seems. Sometimes you eat too much and you can't sleep. Sometimes you sleep too much and miss the meals.
    Cody: (sarcastically) Boy, your life is such a delicate balance.
    Zack: You have NO idea!
    Zack: Look buddy. There will be other spelling bees but you only have one brother.
    Cody: Mom's still young. She can have more.
  • Cody: It's a chance for people to stop calling me a Loser.
    Zack: Who calls you a loser?
    Cody: You do!
  • Moseby: (to Carey) When Cody spells a word correctly, try not to start The Wave.
  • Zack: This is my last will and testament! I Zack Martin leave my all unopened textbooks to my dear wonderful beloved brother Cody (as Cody looks on). Sad isn't it?
    Cody: I'll say. You spelled "textbooks" wrong.
  • Zack: How are you supposed to pay anyone back if they won't lend you any money?
  • After London gives him money
    Zack: Thanks London. This money is going to save my life.
    Just then Maddie, Norman, and two other staff members line up to snatch the money from Zack's hand.
    Zack: You only left me with a buck.
    Moseby: (taking the last buck) A buck you owe me.
  • Moseby: I know you love Cody but try to control yourself.
    Carey: You won't hear a peep out of me.
    Holds up foam finger with "Cody is #1" printed on it.
  • Carey: Oh, don't worry. He knows this word. Oh, Zack, your brother will finally stop thinking of himself as a loser.
    Zack: Who calls him a loser?
    Carey: You do.
  • Cody: (rapping) I won! I won! I'm not a loser. I'm a winner! W-I-N-N-E-R!
  • Carey: What have I told you, Zack? Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
    Zack: Well I'm halfway there. I never lend.
  • Zack: [to Maynard] If you're gonna' beat me up, could we go to the park. That way at least when I fall, it will be on grass.
    Maynard: Beat you up? Why does everyone assume that I'm violent?
    Zack: You're a building with feet!
    Maynard: Are you trying to make me violent
    Zack: No No No No, But if you did'nt mean beating me up, what did you meant when you said "or else"?.
    Maynard: I meant either you give me my money back or else I'll tell your mother.
    Zack: [starts laughing] Tell my mother? That was your big [Imitating quotation marks] "or else"? You're the worst bully in the history of bullies! I'm not afraid of my Mom!
    Cary: [She was watching the whole conversation without Zack knowing] You should be, Zack! what did you do?
    Zack: [pretending to be innocent] Nothing Mommy!
    Maynard: He borrowed $47 bucks from me and know he can't pay back.
    Zack: Its only $30 bucks. It was that stupid interest rate.
    Carey: [Giving money to maynard] Zack! what did I tell you neither a borrower nor a lender bee.
    Zack: Well I'm half way there, I never lend
    Carey: Zack you are in a lot of trouble.
    Zack: Doesn't it count for anything that I did not let Cody throw the spelling be like Maynard tried to make me do? (just as Maynard's parents show up)
    Mr. Kaye: You did what?
    Maynard: Dad I can explain...
    Mr. Kaye: Save it. You have disgraced the grand tradition of the American Spelling crossword puzzles for a month young man.
    Maynard: Can I finish the one I'm working on now?
    Mr. Kaye: No! C'mon, we're going to meet Grandma at the Beef Shack.
    pulls Maynard by the ear
    Maynard: OW! OW! OW!
  • Zack: Wow! Hearing what a terrible thing Maynard did, kinda makes what I did seem pretty...minor, doesn't it?
    Carey: Nope. N-O-P-E, Nope!
    Carey pulls Zack by the ear.
    Zack: O-W! O-W! O-W! O-W! O-W!
  • Mary Margaret: Hey princess!
    London: It's heir-ess.
    Mary Margaret: Whatever, heir-ess. The rest of us are busting our humps painting.
    London: I am painting!
    Maddie: Fingers don't count!
    London: You're right! I'll do my toes!
  • Maddie: The idea of volunteer work is for the volunteer to do the work!
    London: And you are doing a very fine job!
    Just then London's phone rings. She answers but Maddie takes it away and gives her the paintbrush.
    Maddie: (On the phone) Sorry but London can't talk now, she is working! Yea I know! We can't believe it either!
  • Just then a Sister Dominick walks in.
    Sister Dominick: Maddie, gabbing on your phone. You should be working as hard as London.
    Maddie: But Sister.
    London: Sorry Sister, some people don't feel the pain of others like I do.
    Maddie: Oh you're going to feel the pain.
  • Corrie: You do everything the best, London. Can I name my cat after you?
    London: Is it a purebred?
    Corrie: No.
    London: No!
  • London: Alright! I'm ready to work now!
    London picks up a brush and starts painting a wall.
    Maddie: Bestill my heart! Someone should get a picture of this!
    A team of photographers enter the room and start taking pictures of London.
    Maddie: I spoke too soon.
  • Maddie: Charity requires sacrifice!
    London: I gave up a whole day of shopping to pose for those pictures!
    Maddie: Oh, you're a saint!
  • London: Why didn't they bake me a cake?
    Maddie: Because you really didn't give them anything.
    London: I gave them publicity!
    Maddie: That was for you!
  • London: Bake a cake and bring it to the Tipton. Ask for London....who by the way is not me.

Bowling [2.39]

  • Esteban: But we did the best we could and we stunk like a donkey in August!
    Arwin: How does a donkey smell in, say, October?
    Esteban: Better, not good, but better
  • Cody: Remember our current events homework?
    Zack: The teacher was serious about that?
    Cody: Yeah. And we find current events in the newspaper. Ergo, we need the newspaper.
    Zack: Wait, wait, wait. Did you just say "ergo"?
    Cody: Yeah. It's my word of the day, and I got to use it before breakfast!
  • Zack: My word of the day is pathetic. Guess when I'm going to use it?
    Cody: When you get your paper back and see your grade?
    Zack: No, now. (pushes Cody out in the hall, snatches his towel at the same time, and locks the door.) Ergo...pathetic.
  • Carey: You locked him in the hallway with no clothes.
    Zack: But 2 weeks of no TV is cruel and unusual punishment.
    Carey: Don't push it. And if you do it again, I'll ground you so long they'll write country music songs about it.
  • London: You know, it's hard being a cheerleader for a team that stinks, but I managed to have fun.
    Maddie: You started cheering for the other team two minutes into the game.
    London: Well, that's because I can't stand losers. Yeah, you're lucky I'm even talking to you guys.
    Maddie: (sarcastically) Yeah, I feel lucky.
  • Carey: Cody, have you seen Arwin lately?
    Cody: I asked him if he wanted to come bowling with us.
    Carey: What did he say?
    Cody: (starts imitating Arwin screaming) Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
  • London hrows the bowling ball and breaks it in half
    London: Oohh! I got a split!
    Moseby: And I've decided to name you captain.
    Carey: Really?
    Moseby: Well, you are the mother of our star bowler, and you're pretty good yourself.
    Carey: And you want me to tell London she's off the team.
    Moseby: And you're quick as a whip!
  • Ilsa: This is Gretel, our star bowler and knackwurst counter girl.
    Mr. Moseby: The St. Mark doesn't have a knackwurst counter.
    Gretel: (walks up to Moseby, glaring) WE DO NOW!
    Ilsa: Down, Gretel! Down! Good. Schnitzel? (offers a schnitzel treat to Gretel)
    Gretel (grunts with hunger)
    Ilsa: Nah, ooh! Use your voice.
    Gretel: (thinks for a second) Good!
  • Zack opens the door
    Zack: Hey, look! Some loser kid is out in the hallway wearing a towel!
    Cody: Who?
    Cody runs out into the hallway. Zack slams the door.
    Zack: You!
  • Carey: (handing Cody his towel back) I can't believe you fell for it again.
    Cody: He did it differently this time.
    Carey: (unlocking door) Well he's not gonna do it again.
  • Carey: What is it with you!? I tell you not to do something, and you promise not to do it, and you do it anyways!
    Zack: Life, it's all a learning experience.
  • Cody: And you've learned nothing. I'd go with no allowance.
    Carey: That and I'm grounding you for the month.
    Zack: What!?
    Carey: Starting now you're not to leave this hotel except for school.
    Zack: But what about the bowling tournament tomorrow. You'll let me out for that, won't you?
    Carey: Grounding does not have exceptions except for school!
    Zack: But the team needs me.
    Carey: You should have thought of that before you disobeyed me.
    Zack: But Mom!! You're the captain of the team. How can you fire your star player.
    Carey: Because I'm a Mom first. You're off the team and that's final!!!
  • London: Guys, I made up a cheer for our team! 2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate? London! London! Yay Me!
    Maddie: Very inspirational London.
  • Moseby: Ah, here comes our star player!
    Maddie: The Zack-inator.
    Esteban: Zackmaster.
    Moseby: Zack-Attack!
    London: Zack-a... (hesitates) ...-person-who's-really-good.
  • Zack: Well, who's going to take my place?
    Carey: Well, London is our alternate.
    London: (gasps) You mean I'm throwing the round thingy at the white thingies? Oh! Yay me!
    Maddie: We're doomed.
  • Moseby: Carey! Carey! Carey! Carey! Carey! I tell you to punish Zack on the daily basis and nothing, and now that I need him you decide to get tough!? Oh you hate me don't you!?
  • London: (bowls first and her ball bounces into the second lane knocking all the pins down): OOH! OOH! I bowled a strike.
    Ilsa: OOH! OOH! Too bad it was in our lane.
  • Arwin: Mother lost a foot that day.
    Zack: Does she walk with a limp?
    Arwin: No, actually the ball landed on her head. She used to be 6 feet, now's she's 5 feet.
    Zack: That math I can do.
  • Zack: Arwin, facing your fears helps you grow as a person.
    Arwin: Zack, I don't know if you've noticed, but, uh, I'm a grown man without a girlfriend living in a basement. Facing my fears isn't exactly my "forté."
  • Zack: Please? I really messed up and let the team down. If we lose to the St. Mark, everyone is going to hate me.
    Arwin: Bummer.
    Zack: I'm pretty sure if we won, Mom would give you a kiss.
    Arwin: Let's bowl!
  • Carey: There's no pressure Arwin, except that when you bowl this makes you a winner.
    London: Except for if you miss then then we're all big fat losers.
    Carey: You young lady, go stand over there!
  • Music plays and Arwin runs dramacticaly.
    Carey: What are you doing?
    Arwin: It's just for dramatic affect. If you run slower, the tension builds...I'm gonna go again.
    [NOTE: Brian Stepanek and Kim Rhodes recreated this scene in the Disney Channel New Year's Eve Sing-A-Long Bowl-A-Thon.]]

Kept Man [2.40]

  • Zack: Hey Cody! Wanna go see a movie? Killer Koala opened downtown!
    Cody: I don't know. I really got to work on my speech! It's really important! First prize gets the Golden Tongue!
  • Theo: They're floor seats.
    Zack: You mean so close, they'll probably sweat on us?
    Theo: Maybe if we're lucky, bleed!
  • Zack:(hesitates) Well, I'd like to, but me and Cody were going to see Killer Koala.
    Theo: Saw it. He was framed by the platypus.
  • Cody: I'm nervous Mom! What if I get in front of the audience and freeze up?
    Carey: There's an old trick that always worked for me! Just picture the audience in their underwear!
    Cody closes his eyes and opens and sees Zack in his underwear.
    Cody: Hey it worked!
  • Zack: I've learned two things today. It's that one, you can't buy friendship; and two, city bus drivers take pity on you when you're half naked. (His remark after leaving Theo's house without clothes, and Cody and Cary see him)
  • Maddie: I'm sorry, Cody. It's just that I'm exhausted. I was up all night taking care of the baby.
    Cody: What baby? I didn't even know you got married.
    Maddie: Please, Cody. I'm only 16, and I've never even kissed a boy.
    Cody: Oh, please. Save it for the nuns.
  • Sister Dominick: Now, each of you will be paired with a partner.
    Corrie: Ooh, can I have London?!
    London: Ooh, no!
  • Maddie: I deal with babies all the time. Hello "A"!
    Maddie high-fives Mary-Margaret.
    Sister Dominick: London, you will be partners with Maddie.
    Maddie: Goodbye "A"!
  • London: (carrying the baby simulator) It's so cute. Wow, I'm starting to feel motherly maternal-type feelings.
    Baby simulator starts crying.
    London: It wants you. (throws baby simulator to Maddie)
  • London: Time to go shopping for London Jr.!
    Maddie: We are not calling him London Jr.!
    London: Why?
    Maddie: Because he's a boy!
    London: How do you know?
    Maddie: Because I'm the one who's been changing his diapers!
  • Maddie: (to London) Esteban is our nanny? The man's best friend is poultry!
  • Corrie: London, I've named our son after you.
    Mary Margaret: For the last time. His name is Lebron !
  • London: Esteban, you're fired!
    Esteban: As the nanny or as the bellboy?
    London: As the nanny.
    Moseby: But the day is still young!
  • London: Are you okay?
    Maddie: Thanks, I'm fine.
    London: Not you. The hair to the Tipton fortune.
    Maddie: It's "heir." And he's fine, no thanks to you
  • London: After we get an A in this assignment! I want a divorce!
  • London: (sleepily) Maddie, Baby...
    Maddie: (sleepily) London, your turn...
    London: (sleepily) I'll give you $100 dollars...
    Maddie: (sleepily) I am so tired...No amount of money can get me up...
    London: Uhh a thousand...?
    Maddie: (awakened and intrigued) Rise and Shine!
  • Esteban: I miss that baby! Although its crying gave me a little headache!
    The baby falls on Esteban's head and he collapses.
  • Corrie: Goodbye, Little London.
    Mary Margaret: For the last time, his name is Lebron.
  • Sister Dominick: (seeing the broken doll and a disheveled Maddie and London) What did you do, play hockey with this baby?
  • London: No,he felt out of the window. (...) And the baby didn't stop crying the whole time, until he hit the ground.
    Maddie: So just go ahead and fail us.
    Sister Dominick: Fail you? You have completely understood the purpose of the assignment. "A+"!
    A stunned London and Maddie high-five each other.
  • The doll breaks apart when Sister Dominick gets it.
    Doll: (recording of Maddie) Darn nun! There! I cursed a nun, and I don't care! Darn nun! Darn nun! Darn nun! (it keeps repeating "Darn nun")
    Maddie hits the doll with the ruler.
    Maddie: Kids, they say the darndest things.
  • Zack: So how's the speech thing coming?
    Cody: you'll hear Monday night.
    Zack: Oh, is it this Monday night?
  • Zack: Oh, 'cause me and Thoe were going to see a Black Eyed Peas concert. Oh, he and the peas go way back. He knew them when they were the Pods! But I'll bring you a Fergie bobble head.
  • Zack: (After stopping his friendship with Theo, and appearing in the Lobby in just an undershirt and a pair of boxers) I've learned two things today. One, it's that you can't buy friendship. And two, city bus drivers take pity on you when you're half naked. (Walks to elevator)

The Suite Smell of Excess [2.41]

  • Carey: And just where do you two think you are going?
    Cody: I don't get it! She didn't even turn around!
    Zack: Okay! The eyes-in-the-back-of-her-head thing is really creepy!
    Carey: Just so you know! My vision is 20-20, 20-20 (pointing to the back of her head)!
  • Cody: Fine we'll read!
    Zack: Careful Cody! You better put your helmet on! Those are hard cover books!
    Cody: Is this safe enough for you mom! (Turns over paper) Ahh! Paper Cut! Mommy, kiss it!
    Zack puts his hand on his face in shame and dismay.
  • Maddie: I bet you also think that a women's place is in the kitchen!
    Esteban: Only after she gets back from the groceries store!
    Maddie: Oh that attitude is so typically male! I'll have you know, women are capable of doing anything!
    Esteban: How about talking quietly!
  • Esteban: Why must all women shop so much! 9 shopping bags!
    London: One for every day of the week!
  • Zack: Well, you always said you wished you could walk in London's shoes.
    Maddie: That's before I knew how small London's feet were.
  • Maddie: (refusing London's offer) No thank you I cannot move another step.
    London: Here's an extra $100.
    Maddie: I can walk on my hands.

(In Parallel Universe)

  • Radio: Now President Paris Hilton has made it illegal to be over 108 pounds. This is my last broadcast.... (cries)
  • Zack: Hey, Mr. Moseby. Nice shades.
    Alternate Moseby: Thanks, Z. And I've told you... call me M.
  • Alternate London:Maddie? On a quiz show? [laughs] Please, she thinks polygon (Poly gone) means your parrot's missing, she think Ecuador (aqua door)is how you get in an aqua, she thinks that the Nutcracker sweet (suite) is the best room in the nutcracker hotel. She thinks
    Alternate Maddie: Are you trying to insult me?
    Alternate London:(to Zack and Cody)I rest my case.
  • Alternate London: I bet you can't walk and chew gum.
    Alternate Maddie: Oh yeah?
    (Alternate Maddie takes some gum, chews it, walks, chews it, walks, chews it, turns around, walks, chews it.)
    Alternate London: I meant at the same time.
    Alternate Maddie: What am I, an acrobat?
    Zack: Wow. This Maddie makes our London look like a genius!
  • Zack: Wow! Check out the candy counter!
    Alternate London: Hey guys! Take as much as you want!
    Cody: But won't Moseby be mad at us for taking them!
    Alternate London: He'll be mad if you don't .... Sweet Thang!
    Zack: I love this place!
  • Alternate Maddie: London, it's raining outside.
    Alternate London: Very good, Maddie.
    Alternate Maddie: I need you to hold my umbrella, so I don't get wet.
    Alternate London: Hold your own umbrella!
    Alternate Maddie: I can't! I'm too busy going "Yay, me!" (claps hands)
    Alternate London: Listen carefully, nothing will make me walk behind you...
    Alternate Maddie: Here's $500.
    Alternate London: (pulls an umbrella out of nowhere) After you!
  • Zack: By the way, guess who's on the quarter in this world?!
    Cody: George Washington?
    Zack: No, George Clooney!
  • Alternate Carey: I've even got your dinner ready. (puts a bowl full of candy on the table)
    Zack: We've been kinda eating candy for 2 days now.
    Cody: Yeah, don't you have any vegetables, like green beans, lima beans, string beans?
    Alternate Carey: How about jelly beans?
  • Zack: (In disbelief after seeing Esteban as a girl in the parallel universe) Esteban?
    Alternate Esteban: (Correcting Zack) Estebanita.
    Alternate Esteban starts dancing while Zack and Cody stares in disbelif
    Estebanita: (after long pause) Are you staring at me?
    Zack and Cody: Yeah!
    Alternate Esteban zips front of maid uniform in disgust.
  • Alternate Arwin: (as A-Diddy) How many times have I told you?
    Alternate Carey: A thousand.
    Alternate Arwin: A thousand times! You don't want to get involved with a guy like me! I'm nothing but trouble. Trouble... with great hair!
  • Zack: Well on the bright side! We can do whatever we want! Go to bed late! Eat junk food!
    Cody: We're already doing that! I kinda miss Mom telling us to eat our vegetables and do our homework!
    Zack: Yea and I miss ignoring Mom telling us to eat our vegetables and do our homework!

(Back in the Normal Universe)

  • Moseby: Have I told you boys no running in the lobby.
    Cody: We're running to hug you.
    Moseby: No hugging in the lobby.
    Zack: We love you Mr. Moseby
    Cody: You're so wonderfully strict.
    Moseby: Yes I am. Now let go.
  • Cody: London what's 12x12?
    London: A math question?
    Cody: Yes, we're back.
    Cody hugs London and Zack hugs Maddie.
    Carey: What did I tell you both about no candy before dinner?
    Zack & Cody: Mom! (hug Carey)
    Cody: We missed you!
    Carey: Guys, I've only been at the grocery store for 20 minutes. It would have been ten but I couldn’t decide between one ply or two.
  • Carey: What is going on?
    Zack: I know this sounds kinda crazy, but we went to a parallel world, and you let us do anything we wanted. And Moseby was pogo-sticking in the lobby, and you were in love with Arwin.
    Carey: That's it! No more sugar breakfast cereals.
    Cody: It's true! (points to London) And you were there. (points to Maddie) And you. (points to Mr. Moseby) And you, too! And the nuttiest thing of all, Esteban was a woman!
    Esteban: (dressed as a woman) Hola!
    Zack & Cody scream and run off.
    Esteban: I'm going to a costume party. I did not think I looked that bad.
  • Carey: (Picks up a quarter out of one of the boys' pants and sees George Clooney's face on it) Hmm... George Clooney. That's a keeper.

Going for the Gold [2.42]

  • Carey: I need to practice my song. The Tipton's hosting some kind of Geek Games. (Arwin looks up) They're making me sing and hand out the Golden Plunger. (Arwin drops his apple)
    Arwin: You're the (stuttering) Plu-, plu- plu-, plu- (Zack hits his shoulder) Plunger Girl?!
    (Carey nods)
    Weldon's goin' down!
  • Carey: (Singing) When the toilet won't flush, we'll be there with the snake, right after our men dated union break! If the rooms too hot, or the drains not clear..... Just shout for a Hotel Engineer!
  • Irv: (walks over to Carey) The name's Weldon. Irv Weldon. And I like to be Shaken, not stirred.
    Arwin: Oh, that Weldon is as smooth as porcelain.
  • Carey: Go!
    Irv: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to "On your marks"?
    Carey: Just... go.
  • Irv: Enjoy your win, Hawkhouser, but at the end of the day it'll be me who wins the Golden Plunger and obtain a kiss from yonder fair-haired beauty.
    Cody: Don't call our mother a fair-haired beauty?
    Zack: Yeah. You should see her in the morning. There ain't anything beautiful about it.
    Carey looks at the twins and Moseby in dismay.
  • Irv: Hey plunger girl, I can't wait for our lips to meet...(makes a kissy face)
    Carey: I just... I... just threw up a little bit.
  • Carey: Which ever one of you wins, will win the Golden Plunger! (to herself) There's an accomplishment.
  • Moseby: Well, most things worth getting require hard work. Which is an experience, shall I say, you have been deprived of.
    London: How so?
    Moseby: Whenever you want something, you just call daddy and he gets it for you.
    London: It's not as easy as it looks. Daddy has a lot of different numbers.
  • London: So, have we sold anything yet?
    Maddie: Yes, 4 items.
    London: Ooh, that's not bad.
    Maddie: Considering we sold them to you, and you used your employer 100% discount on all of them, it ain't good!
  • Maddie: And we're going to be a huge success 'cause we make a great team!
    London: By the way, I can't pay you this week.
    Maddie: See ya!
    London: Where are you going?
    Maddie: To get my old job back!
    London: Quitter! Quitter! Pants don't fitter!
  • Arwin: I'm never gonna win.
    Starts hitting his head.
    Loser! Loser! Loser!
    Zack: You gotta be more positive!
    Grabs Arwin's hand and starts hitting Arwin's head.
    Winner! Winner! Winner!
    Arwin: I don't think that helped.

Boston Tea Party [2.43]

  • About the American Revolution
    Esteban: That was when the colonists were mad over taxes (he pronounces it Texas).
    Maddie: You mean "taxes".
    Esteban: That's what I said "taxes" (Texas).
  • Maddie: (about George Washington) He's the guy on the $1 bill.
    London: They make a $1 bill?
  • Carey, Cody, Maddie and Zack: (Repeatedly) Don't mess with me, or the tree of liberty.
    Vinnie: [sarcastically] Oh no! Determent protesters. And all I've got is a two ton buldozer.
  • Arwin: I'm gonna tie myself to this tree, so you'll have to go through me. Hey, that rhymes!
    Vinnie: I got a cute poem. Roses are red, violets are blue, [Yelling] I can't wait to run over you!
  • Zack: I learned two things; one you can fight city hall.
    Cody: what is the other thing?
    Zack: Bob looks terrible in petticoats.
  • Maddie: I bet you can't name a single founding father!
    London: Can so! My father founded Tipton Industries!
    Maddie: No, no, I meant...
    London: I'm bored. Bye!
  • Maddie: Esteban don't worry, you're gonna do great on the test.
    Esteban: Ok, ok. Remind me again, what's the President's cabinet?
    London: Oh, that's easy! That's where Mrs. President keeps all the cleaning supplies.
    Maddie: (to Esteban) Ignore her and you'll do fine.
  • Cody: Zack figured it out!
    Moseby: No, seriously.
    Zack: I have my moments.
  • Zack: Please go down to City Hall and get them to stop the bulldozers.
    Moseby: You want an injunction?
    Zack: No I hate needles, just get them to stop bulldozing.
  • Cody: Zack figured out a way to save the park.
    Carey and Arwin: No seriously.
    Zack: I wish you'd realize that I am a thoughtful and intelligent person.
    Carey: I realize that honey.
    Zack: Now we're going to lie down in front of the bulldozers.
    Carey: (as the twins run out) And I spoke too soon.
  • Esteban: Now I am a citizen of these 50 states.
    London: You mean 51 states.
    Maddie: Good thing you're already a citizen.

(From Zack's Dream)

  • Zack: (To Moseby about their skateboards) I believe he (Arwin) called it ... television.
    Moseby: Why?
    Arwin: I had a vision and I had to tell you about it.
  • Esteban: The people are revolting!
    London: You're telling me? Have you seen how they dress? (Everyone looks at her) What am I wrong? (She starts leaving)
    Esteban: Oh, we dress the best we can! Considering most of our money goes to English taxes. (sounding as Texas)
    Maddie: You mean taxes?
    Esteban: That's what I said!
  • Maddie: Give me liberty
    Cody: Or give me death
    Zack: Is there a third choice?
  • London: (walking in with a very tall hairstyle) Step aside peasants, like my hair, I believe that the short look is in.
  • London: Ten pounds of tea, please.
    Maddie: Who drinks ten pounds of tea?
    London: Nobody, silly. I bathe in it. Huzzah for me!
  • Zack: Cody...paper may beat rock, but cannon make HUGE hole in paper.
  • Carey: I am making a flag. This will show the British we are not to be trifled with. (shows flag of bunny) Don't Tread on Me!
    Cody: Love the saying, but the bunny not quite intimidating.
    Carey: (disillusioned) Its supposed to be a bear.
  • Chocolate Salesman: Sorry, King George just raised the taxes on chocolate.
    Zack: Oh no he di-idn't. Give me chocolate or give me death!
  • Maddie: He's right. My take-home pay is so small, I won't even be able to afford a used horse. And I'm like getting my license like this year!
    Esteban: She's a Valley Forge girl.
  • Carey: Boys, it's time to get upstairs and study for your American History test.
    Zack: Mother, there is no history. Yesterday we got off the boat, and today we bathed in the creek.

Have a Nice Trip [2.44]

  • Maddie: What are you doing?
    Cody: Looking for Zack's skateboard.
    Holly: Daddy, look out!
    Harry trips on Zack's skateboard.
    Maddie: (Pointing at Harry) Found it!
  • Moseby: Oh. Sir, are you all right? (to Zack) What happened?
    Zack: Why do you always look at me?
    Moseby: Force of habit. What was it, the rascally elves?
  • Zack: All right, you ready, Red Schnoz?
    Cody: I'm ready, Soon-to-Be Fat Lip.
    Maddie: (to Zack) Operation: Smoke Out the Rat is go. Cranky Pants is on his way up. Over.
    Zack: Copy that, Candy Girl. Better-Looking Twin out.
    Cody: You know, next time, I'm picking the names.
    Zack: Copy that, Thumb Sucker.
  • Zack: It's time for Operation: Smoke Out the Rat. Are you guys in?
    Cody: I'm in.
    Maddie: Me, too. So what exactly is Operation: Smoke Out the Rat?
    Zack: Beats me. I just come up with the names.
  • Zack: I'm telling you, Holly and her dad are up to something. I did not just leave my skateboard lying around. (trips over his roller skates) My roller skate, completely un-related.
  • Cody: Where would she have learned to con people like that?
    Zack: I'm thinking she was home schooled.
  • Holly: I wish I could play, but I don't have any money.
    Cody: Oh, that's okay, little girl. I'll lend you some money and teach you how to play, too.
    Zack: Please, who's gonna teach you?
  • Zack: Look, I'm telling you, Mr. Moseby, I did not leave my skateboard there. Do you think I'd forget where I left my own skateboard? (trips over his skateboard) Whoa!
    Moseby: Found it.
  • Holly: Thanks Zack! You're my best friend in the whole world! And don't forget, you owe me 40 bucks.

Ask Zack [2.45]

  • Zack: Hey, I can be SENSITIVE.
    (Carey walks in the room, distraught)
    Carey: Oh no! I think I just found a gray hair.
    Zack: Congrats, grandma!
  • Darlene: Aha aha ha ha ha-NO!
  • Cody: I've got great news! I just got appointed Editor of the school paper!
    Zack: We have a school paper?
    Cody: Yeah. You know, there's free copies outside the Library.
    Zack: We have a Library?
    Cody: Okay, I don't blame you for not reading the Revere Express. It stinks, but Ms. Cohen expects me to turn it around. The same way I turned around the Math Lab.
    Zack: We have a Math Lab?
  • Cody: (to Zack) And the lovely Janice and Jessica are doing Health and Beauty.
    Janice: I'm doing Health.
    Jessica: I thought I was doing Health.
    Janice: You're doing Beauty.
    Jessica: I'd rather be healthy than beautiful.
    Janice: But I'm really healthy!
    Jessica: But I'm really, really healthy!
    Barbara: (imitating the twins' British accent) And I'm really, really glad you're not triplets!
  • Zack: Well what about Sports?
    Bob: That is right. It's Bob covering Sports. If you can bounce it, catch it, or hit me in the face with it, I'm your man.
  • Zack: You mean I would have to be a girl?
    Cody: No, it's anonymous.
    Zack: Oh, good.
    Both pause.
    Cody: That means no one will know you're Shirley!
    Zack: Oh, Good!! Then I am the man for the job...I mean WOman!!
  • Cody bangs his head against a locker
    Darlene: Is your brother ok?
    Zack: Oh yeah, he just forgot his combination.
  • Zack: I think I'll give Darlene a little advice on how to take a crack at the Zack.
  • Cody: How do you know Darlene is talking about you? Oh yeah she said "obnoxious."
  • Cody: Do you realize you are compromising your journalistic ethics?
    Zack: That's where you are wrong. I have no ethics.
  • Zack: So, isn't it great how much people love my column? Although it kinda creeps me out that Bob wants to date me.
    Cody: You can do worse, and you have.
  • Janice: Cody, we have great news!
    Jessica: Really great news!
    Janice: Terrific, actually!
    Barbara: Would you get to the point!
  • Zack: I'm quiting the paper.
    Cody: What? You can't quit on me.
    Zack: Darlene found out that I'm Shirley and now she hates me.
    Cody: So, use the paper to manipulate another girl......How about, P.U. in P.E?
  • Cody bangs his head against his locker again.
    Darlene: He forgot his combination again? Why doesn't he just write it down?
  • London: One chocolate ding-a-ding!
    Maddie: What's the magic word...?
    London: NOW!
  • Esteban: (about London's sleeplessness) Or maybe she just has a lot on her mind.
    Esteban, Maddie, and Moseby: No.
  • Maddie: So what's the problem?
    London: I CAN'T SLEEP!
    London walks off
    Maddie: WELL NOW I CAN'T HEAR!
    Esteban: (to Maddie) NEITHER CAN I!
    Moseby: (to both of them) NO YELLING IN THE LOBBY!
  • Maddie: (answering her phone) Hello?
    London: Maddie, it's me London. I'm in my room and I can't sleep. What should I do?
    Maddie: Okay, the first thing you have to do is hang up the phone.
    London: Right.
    London hangs up the phone and Maddie drops her phone and falls asleep.
    London: (shouting at the phone) Now what?! picks up the phone Maddie, this isn't working.
  • Moseby: (on the phone with an insomniac London) First, relax all of your muscles from your head to your toes. Now, start counting backwards from 100.
    London: Okay. 100... (stops)
    Moseby: 99.
    London: You do it for me, Moseby. You're better at the alphabet.
    Moseby: 98, 97, 96, 9-ha. (dozes off)
    London: Moseby? Moseby? What comes after 9-ha?
  • Carey: (singing) Hush, little rich girl, don't say a word. Daddy's gonna buy you...the whole wide world.
    London: (suddenly perky) Yay, Daddy! (claps really fast) I can't sleep now! I'm too excited!
  • Carey, Mr. Moseby, Maddie, and Esteban start rocking London's bed.
    Moseby: Now London, picture yourself in a boat. Gently rocking in the waves, up and down-
    London: Stop I'm getting bed-sick!
  • Carey looks at Maddie, London, Mr. Moseby, and Esteban sleeping.
    Carey: Awww, isn't that adorable?
    They all snore loudly at the same time
    Carey: Or not.
  • Cody: Oh, this is great. You exploit me and my paper, manipulate a girl, then abandon me, destroy my paper, and still get the girl? Now what am I supposed to do?
    Zack: Dear Loser...
  • Esteban: (still wearing the sheep's head) Are these your baaaaaags (lady nods) then I better call a caaaaaaaab.
    Moseby: One more like that and there goes your raaaaaaaaaaaaaaise.
  • Bob: Hey, Cody, Shirley sounds like my woman. Do you think you could set us up?
    Cody: I don't think it would work with you two.
    Bob: Oh, that's just cause you want to keep her for yourself!
    Cody: No, trust me, I don't.
  • Zack: Cody, the whole "Ask Shirley" thing is really working out, isn't it? Although it kind of creeps me out that Bob wants to date me...
  • Zack: Just think of me as Dr. Phil with hair!

That's So Suite Life of Hannah Montana [2.46]

What the Hey [2.47]

  • Zack: Sometimes you've got to say "What the Hey?"
  • Maddie: I just heard the good news.
    London: Yes I just bought my 1000th pair of shoes.
    Maddie: No! Your father's getting re-married!
    London: You call that news?
  • Moseby: Oh dear, did I just hear you say there's another new Mrs. Tipton?
    London: Ah uh.
    Moseby: I wish I would've known. I would have bought them an extravagant gift, although the warranties on my last two gifts lasted longer than the marriages.
  • Cody: So come here often?
    Zack: Only once or twice.
    Everyone in Mall: Hi Zack.
    Zack: Maybe three times.
  • Brandi: London, it's so nice to meet you. Your father's told me all about you. (hugs London)
    London: Moseby, why is this stranger hugging me?
    Moseby: She's your step-mother.
    London: Moseby, why is my step-mother hugging me?
  • Matisse: Hi, I'm Matisse.
    Cody: Hi.........(loses voice)
    Matisse: I'm glad this not a speaking part.
  • Cody: (spotting his mother in the store) Why did she come in here? She can't afford this stuff! I should know! I do her taxes!
  • London: (about being grouded) I hope you're happy!
    Brandi: A mother is never happy when she punishes her child.
    London: Well the child ain't so thrilled either!
  • Maddie: What's your favorite animal?
    Brandi: Cat.
    London: Broccoli.
    Maddie and Brandi looking at London weirdly,
    Maddie: What's your favorite hobby?
    London and Brandi: Shopping!
    Maddie: Ding Ding Ding!!! We have a match! You two can bond by shopping.
    Brandi: But she's grounded.
    Maddie: Well, then you'll only shop on the ground floor.
    Brandi: Well, I'm willing to try if London is.
    London: Fine, but you've got to come.
    Maddie: Um, I'm working.
    Brandi: I'll buy you whatever you want.
    Maddie: (puts "CLOSED" block on the desk) Let's shop-till-we-drop, girls!
  • Brandi: You know when I was you age-
    London: When was that, 20 minutes ago?!
    [note: T. Lopez and Brenda Song are seven years apart in age so Brenda's character was not far off.]
  • Bob: Mrs. Martin. I see you have some parenting to do.
    Carey: And Bob, I'll be calling your mother to tell her how you spent your day.
    Bob: In that case, I better go and get her something nice.
  • London: Brandi, don't leave. I'm sorry about all the mean things I said to you. I didn't realize you were being annoying because you cared.
    Brandi: I guess I just got excited about having a stepdaughter.
    London: Well how about we start by just being friends?
    Brandi: I'd like that. Boy, it's great being a mom.
    They hug each other as Carey enters the hotel with the boys and lays down the law with them.
    Carey: Take a good look at the people in the lobby, boys. Because they have lives and you don't! For one month, that means no movies, no desserts, no television, no music. Cody, for you, no reading for fun!
    Cody: (makes a sad face)
    London: Don't worry. I never read for fun.

A Midsummers Nightmare [2.48]

  • Mr. Forgess: (after Zack has finished his audition) (claps) That was great Zack! I love how you used "behold". You know, it's a perfectly good word. Behold! My tie is blue! Behold! I got it on sale!
    Cody: Behold! Mr. Forgess has toilet paper stuck to his shoe!
    Mr. Forgess: Hey, that's pretty good. How'd you think of...oh.
  • Zack: Lysander. Sounds like a mouthwash.
  • Mr. Forgess: Okay everyone, it's opening night. So I want you to go out there and...
    Carey: Be great! Just go out there and be perfect! We gotta impress the critics!
    Mr. Forgess: But the important part is to build their self-esteem.
    Carey: You know what builds self-esteem? Good reviews.
    Mr. Forgess: I don't think that'll be a problem because the reviewer is twelve and... (quietly to Carey) she's my daughter.
  • Cody: (to Gwen) It's time we practice kissing. After all we've only been dating a day.
  • Zack: (to Vanessa) Maybe you didn't recognize me because I've been weight training. Wanna feel my guns?
  • Zack: (embarrassed) MOM! Ix-nay on the umpkin-pay!!
    Carey: (apologetic) Orry-say!
  • Zack: Say, Agnes, I think I left my jacket in homeroom. Could you go get it for me? I'm cold.
    Agnes: Oh, here! You can wear my sweater, Zackibooboo!
    Agnes puts her light pink jacket on Zack to his embarassment.
  • Mr. Forgess: Hey, Bob, I'm happy to see you here. I didn't know you had an interest in Shakespeare.
    Bob: I don't. My Mom said it was this or oboe lessons.
  • Carey: Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind. And therefore as winged Cupid painted blind.
    Mr. Forgess: (clapping) Wow! That was fantastic!
    Carey: Thanks, well I did a bit of Shakespeare in my younger days.
    Zack: But that's ancient history now.
  • Agnes: Gwen, you seem like a lovely girl, and I would hate to see you get hurt.
    Gwen: Why would I get hurt?
    Agnes: Cause if your stage kiss with Zack last longer than a second and a half, I'm going to flatten you like roadkill.
  • Gwen: Look. I like Cody not Zack.
    Agnes: So you say. Just keep the kissing to a minimum.
  • Cody: (looks at the cast list for the play) I'm Bottom?
    Zack: That part must stink!
    Cody: But that's the character who gets turned into a donkey.
    Bob: A donkey named Bottom? Definitely stinks!
    Cody: Oh, yeah? What part did you get?
    Bob: Well, whatever it is, it's got to be better than Bottom.
    Agnes: You're Puck, the fairy.
    Bob: A fairy?! I hate my Mom!
  • Gwen: Hey Cody, I've been thinking and it might be a good idea if we see other people.
    Cody: Other people? We've barely seen each other!
    Gwen: C'mon, we've had some pretty good times.
    Cody: Ya mean yesterday
    Gwen: Great! Glad you understand.
  • Cody: How could steal you my girl?
    Zack: Can I help it if I'm a fantastic kisser?
  • Vanessa (after hearing that Cody and Gwen broke up): If you need a shoulder to cry on...I'm available.
    Zack: NO! I mean...he can't. He has a...meeting with the Geek Club!
    Cody: It's the GLEE Club.
    Zack: Have you seen the people who showed up?!
  • Zack: (about Vanessa) What did you say to her?
    Cody: Nothing, I've never spoken to her in my life.
    Zack: That explains why she likes you.
  • Cody: (after Agnes describes the love situation) I can't help it if everyone likes the wrong person. Hey! This is just like the play!
  • Agnes: So let me get this straight. You like Gwen, and Gwen likes Zack, Zack likes Vanessa, and Vanessa likes you.
    Cody: Exactly.
    Agnes: Well, who likes me?
    Cody: No one.
    Agnes: Hey!
    Agnes hits Cody on the shoulder.
    Cody: And maybe that's why!
  • Agnes: Why who we have here? Some lost travelers in the wood perhaps?
    Carey: What is she doing? She's not suppose to notice them!
    Mr. Forgess: Maybe she forgot her line?
    Agnes: Behold! A fair maiden bewitched and asleep! (To Cody) Perhaps you could awake her with a kiss.
    Carey: He's not supposed to kiss her. He's not supposed to kiss anybody!
    Cody: What a fine idea, my queen. But first you must changeth me back into a dude!
    (Agnes pulls Cody out of the donkey mask)
    Cody: Now I shall kiss you awake.
    Vanessa: (as Cody is about to kiss Hermia/Gwen)No, Cody! I mean Donkey! You're not supposed to kiss her....Anon!
    Mr. Forgess: Well at least she said "anon".
    Vanessa: Bad guy talketh for Hermia!
    Cody: I am not of the bad guy.
    Vanessa: Well, then perhaps you should planteth one on me.
    Zack: I don't think so...eth.
    Carey: This has to stoppeth!
    Mr. Forgess: No, this is the best acting they've done all month!
    Zack: Don't worry fair Helena. I shall saveth you.
    Vanessa (As Zack tries to pull her up)Kid, get off me!
    Zack: (to Vanessa/Helena) Now that I have rescued you, perhaps you should thanketh me with a kiss.
    Gwen: What are you doing Lysander. It's me you loveth...remember?!
    Agnes: Foolish mortal, I shall banish thee from the forest.
    Gwen: You can't banish me.
    Agnes: Oh yeah? We'll see about that! (throws Gwen/Hermia's crown on the floor) Oh yeah!
    Zack: While you are fighting over the handsome Lysander, I shall spendeth some time with my one true love. (Goes near Vanessa/Helena)
    Cody: Oh please, she does not love you.
    Cody: Yeah!You're one to talk, donkey face!
    Zack pushes Cody.
    Vanessa: (pushes Zack) Hey leave him alone.
    Gwen: Don't push my boyfriend. (pushes Vanessa)
    Agnes: Your boyfriend!? Oh! Somebody's getting banished now.
    Gwen: Ugh! (takes Agnes' wand and breaks it in half.)
    Agnes: Oh no, you didn't! (Pulls Gwen's/Hermia's sleeve) Oh yeah!
    Vanessa: You go girl!
    Cody: Hey! (hits Vanessa in the arm) Leave her alone.
    Zack: Don't bump my girl
    Cody: Fine. I'll bump you instead!
    (Cody bumps Zack to the side of the stage while Zack hits Cody with the stage prop. Cody takes the prop and tries to hit Zack but Agnes takes it away from him.)
    Agnes: Don't you hurt my Zackiekins!
    (Zack and Agnes hits Cody with the prop while Vanessa traps Gwen and pulls her with a tree branch)
  • Bob: (seeing the melee) What fools these mortals be. So good night to you all. Give me your hands if we be friends, and Robin shall restore amends!
  • Zack: Vanessa never liked me and now even Gwen hates me.
    Bob: But on the bright side Agnes likes you even more.
  • Mr. Forgess: Well, I think you guys really got to understand the theme of the play.
    Zack: Girls stink.
    Cody: Don't work with your brother.
    Bob: I should've taken oboe.
    Mr. Forgess: Close enough.
  • London: I'm back! Who missed me?
    No one in the lobby pays attention to her.
    London: I brought presents!
    Everyone starts welcoming her back.
  • London: This is the Ba Gua.
    Esteban: It's the only thing she carried.
  • London: The lobby there (at the Tokyo Tipton) was decorated according to the Asian principles of Feng Shui. I mean, you can really feel the difference in the energy flow. It went right through you.
    Maddie: Are you sure you didn't just eat some bad sushi?
  • London: Uh-oh, your lobby is way out of alignment!
    Esteban: (still carrying all the bags) So is my spine!
  • Moseby, Esteban, and Maddie: (dancing) We're rich! We're rich! (start doing the robot)
  • Moseby, Esteban, and Maddie: (sadly) Yay us.
  • London: I just made number #1 on Teen Trends: Worst Dressed List. I told you all this Feng Shui was mumbo-gumbo.

Lost in Translation [2.49]

  • Cody: Boa tarde, prazer. (Portuguese: Good afternoon, it's a pleasure)
    Maddie: OK, should I thank you or slap you?
    Cody: It's International Week at school, and I've learned to say things in 10 different languages!
    Zack: And I've learned to snore in 10 different languages.
  • Moseby: (to Nakamura) How was your flight?
    Cody: I'll ask him in Japanese. (brushes aside Moseby's protest) Boku no pants no nakani no hachami suga. (Subtitle: I have a hornet's nest in my pants.)
    Mr. Nakamura and rest of crowd runs away.
    Cody: Must have been bumpy.
  • Cody: Let me try speaking to her in Japanese! (to Kumiko) Boku no onaka ni suika ga sodatteimasu. (Subtitle: I grow watermelons in my belly button.)
    Kumiko: (to Moseby) Don't send a fruit basket to my room.
  • Cody: (watching Kumiko cut the fish) Look at those moves, that delicate knife work, that incredible precision.
    Zack: I'm just hoping I don't get the eyeball.
    Kumiko: Don't worry. As a sign of respect, I will save the eyeballs for mommy.
    Carey: (unenthusiastically) Oh, goody.
  • Zack: Oh, this is awesome! I'm getting dinner and an "A"! I mean, you're going to be a lot cooler than a slice of cheese.
    Kumiko: I get that a lot.
  • Carey: Yes! I'm making 350 yen!
    Cody: That's about 3 dollars.
    Carey moans then Zack lifts the lid of the pot Moseby screamed into and gets a loud echo.
  • Carey: You have to figure out what you're going to do.
    Zack: Don't worry. I've got International Day covered.
    Carey: Bringing in a slice of Swiss cheese doesn't count.
    Zack: What if I put it on a German kaiser roll?
  • Moseby: (Lets out breath, gasps and then opens a pot on the table and screams after he finds out Kumiko is missing.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
    Zack: (To Cody) I-I think he's angry.
    Moseby: (angrily) How do you lose a WOMAN?!
    Cody: You forget to cherish her. (Moseby moans)
    Carey: (Hugging Cody) Awwww...And that's why you're my special little man!
  • Moseby: (after Carey and Kumiko struggle to find a common song so that they could sing together) Ugh, right now I'd be happy with "If You're Happy and You Know It".
    Carey & Kumiko: I know that!
    Moseby groans as they start singing that song together with Kumiko in Japanese and Carey in English.
  • Maddie: Okay, maybe I was too subtle. When I said give them to a friend, I meant me! You know, sometimes you are dumber than a sack of hammers.
    London: Would a friend call another friend a dumber than a sack of hammers?
    Maddie: If they were really close, like we are. Friends tease.
    London: Oh, I get it. So why don't you come up before school tomorrow and take what you want from my closet, you stick-legged, frizzy-haired freak!
    Maddie: (testily) Thanks, buddy.
  • Maddie: (starts chewing London's belt)
    London:(Gives Maddie a weird look)
    Maddie: (stops chewing belt)
    London: Is that alligator?
    Maddie: Yeah, but it tastes like chicken.
  • Maddie: Ooh! (picks out an outfit) This is beautiful! I wonder where I'd wear this.
    Mirror: Wear it to a fruit stand. You look like a lime!
  • Maddie: (after the mirror insults her) I thought you had that obnoxious mirror moved upstairs to Winter World!
    London: No, I have an obnoxious mirror in all my closets, but they all love me.
  • Maddie: I've got an idea. Why don't we ram the door down?
    London: Well, what will we use?
    Maddie: (mock whispering) The mirror. Both turn to look at it
    Mirror: Doesn't 7 years of bad luck mean anything to you?
  • Mirror: (to Moseby) Quite the suit, but what's with that tie? The guy couldn't guess your weight?
  • Zack: That's it! I could bring Kumiko to school as my International Week project.
    Kumiko: (holding up giant knife used for preparing fish) Project?
    Carey: (to Zack) Honey, I'm afraid we don't refer to our dinner guests as projects, especially if they're holding giant knives!
  • Carey and Kumiko are trying to sing a song together
    Kumiko: Oh, how about, (does long opera voice) Yeah?
    Carey: Yeah, I can't do that since I had kids. Oh, how about, 'You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore'?
    Kumiko: Why would I bring you flowers?

Volley Dad [2.50]

  • Zack (To Carey and Harvey): Carey Marie Martin, Do you know what time it is?
    Cody: We agreed you'd be home by 11!
    Harvey (to Carey): Boy, your parents are strict.
    Carey: Yeah, well, I believe we also agreed that you'd be in bed by 10.
    Cody: Who could sleep with the worrying?
    Harvey: My bad, guys. Sorry.
    Cody: Just make sure that it doesn't happen again.
    Zack: We're watching you.
    Carey: (to Harvey) So am I.
    Zack: Okay, gross!
  • Maddie: (to Harvey) Your nuts.
    Moseby: That is no way to talk to a customer. (to Harvey) I'm sorry. You know the youth of today, very angry.
    Maddie: (to Harvey) Your macadamia nuts.
    Moseby: (sheepishly) I knew that.
    Maddie: This is Harvey. he`s dating Carey
    Moseby: oh, Splendid! So, do I hear wedding bells in the horizon?
    Harvey: Well, actually...
    Moseby: Oh, how I will miss those little tykes. You are planning on taking them away, because I can't miss them if they're still here!
    Harvey: Let's not jump to conclusions.
    Moseby: Why not? Jumping is fun! (starts jumping up and down) Yes, jump with me, Harvey. Jump!
    Harvey: I would, but I don't want to look foolish.
    Moseby: (stops jumping) Oh, heh, of course not.
    (Harvey leaves)
    Moseby: Oh, I think I frightened him.
    Maddie: Actually sir, you frighten us all.
    Moseby: (sarcastically) Good.
  • Cody: I don't think Harvey's right for Mom. And you're just happy because he's rich.
    Zack (exasperatedly chuckles): Ta, ta, no! I-I-I think he's a kind, caring man (speaks faster to Maddie) who-who happens to have a mansion with 5 bathrooms. (Back to Cody) We could all go at once, and still have one toilet left over!
  • Cody: It's not my fault our fridge is the size of R2D2!
  • Kurt: That's the emergency? I took a bus, two connecting flights, and a roller coaster to get here!
    Cody: A roller coaster?
    Kurt: Three loops and then it goes backward, WHOO!! I am still dizzy!
  • Carey (nervously chuckling and speaking rapidly): You know, it's funny. You know at first I was worried that having my ex-husband, my current boyfriend in a room together would make me nervous, but I feel just fine!
    Cody: How's that rash that broke out during dessert?
    Carey: The ointment helped. Thanks!
  • Moseby: (in Southwestern accent) How's the courting comin'?
    Harvey: (same accent) Pretty darn good. I think we're sparkin'?
    Moseby: Yee hah!
    Harvey: Can we go back to our regular voices now?
    Moseby: OK.
  • Harvey: I saw a lovely ring in the hotel jewelry store. Is it still open?
    Moseby: By all means, in fact use my employee discount. In fact (throws his wallet) take my wallet. Oh happy day(begins dancing the conga in the lobby).
  • Cody: I just want our family to stay how it is... me, Zack and Mom.
    Kurt: (Coughs) And Daddy!
    Cody: ... Riiight. Now let's get out of here (the vent) It stinks.
    Kurt: ...Sorry.
  • Moseby: Am I too late? Did she say yes?
    Harvey: I haven't asked her yet
    Moseby: Why not?
    Harvey: Because the ring is on the breadstick and she won't have a breadstick.
    Moseby: You're not marrying the bread stick! You're marrying her! So take the ring off of the breadstick and put it on her like this. (Moseby slips the ring on his finger.) and... Ooo- that's lovely. Now let me... (Tries taking it off) yeh-oh...
    Harvey: What do you mean (copies Moseby) "yeh-oh"?!
  • Moseby: It's stuck.
    Harvey: Hou could it be stuck?
    Moseby: Well I have a slim figure but disproportionately chubby fingers.
    Moseby: Let's put some butter on it.
    Harvey: They didn't bring any.
    Moseby: What? I'll just have a talk with the staff.
    Harvey: Not right now here she comes.
  • Carey: Mr. Moseby, what are you doing here?
    Moseby: Just here to "lend a hand."
  • Harvey: Carey, there's something I want to give you...(holds out Moseby's finger with the ring on it)
    Carey: (puzzled) You wanna give me Mr. Moseby?
  • Carey: (after Harvey's marriage proposal) I don't know what to say.
    Zack: Say yes and no matter what Cody says I want you to get married.
    Carey: What do you mean? Cody's not here.
    Just then Cody and Kurt come in
    Cody: Mom I need to talk to you.
    Carey: Cody's here...with Kurt. We should've gotten a bigger table.
  • Cody: I realize I was wrong for saying that Harvey wasn't right for you.
    Carey: You never told me that.
    Cody: Well I told everyone else. (as Kurt, Zack, and Moseby nod in agreement)
  • Carey: Hold on. Time out, there is just one teensy-eensy detail. I haven't answered yet.
    Zack: Well could you hurry it up? Cause I thought we'd honeymoon in Fiji.
  • Carey: Harvey this month we've spent together has been really really rwonderful.
    Kurt: Better than the time we went cross-country in a van?
    Carey: (continuing after giving Kurt a semi-dirty look) You're sweet and funny
    Zack: Don't forget rich.
  • Carey: But this way too fast. I'm just not ready to get married right now.
    Zack and Moseby being sobbing.
    Harvey: Me too. (to Moseby and Zack) Don't worry guys we'll get through this. Well I'd better go return the ring.
    Harvey starts to leave but then stops to take Moseby—still wearing the ring—out of the room.
  • Carey: I want you to know that I would never marry anyone who wasn't OK with you and Zack.
    Moseby: (Sobs loudly off-camera)
    Carey: And Mr. Moseby...
  • Sister Rose: When you spike the ball, aim for the gut.
    Leslie: I don't know.
    Sister Rose: You can feel guilty about it later.
    Leslie: OK spike, then guilt.
    Sister Rose gives her the thumbs-up.
  • Mary-Margaret: Please tell me London doesn't want to be on our team.
    Leslie: London doesn't want to be on our team.
    Mary-Margaret: Really?
    Leslie: Don't know. Just want everyone to be happy.
  • Sister Rose: Good news, London is joining the team.
    Maddie: I must have missed the good news part.
    Sister Rose: Girls, one of the greatest gifts you can give is the gift of inclusion. So include her!
  • Maddie: OK London show us what you've got.
    London: Okay!(points to her jewelry) I got this at Gold Galore, this at Diamond Galore, and this at Galore Galore.
    Sister Rose: G-a-reat!!!! G-a-reat!!!
  • London's first serve hits Maddie's rear end.
    London: (like a taddletale) Sister Rose, Maddie was in my wa-ay.
    Sister Rose: (mockingly) Not if you hit it over the ne-et.
  • Sister Rose: (team is losing big) London get in the game.
    Maddie: Are you sure that's such a good idea?
    Sister Rose: It's as my good friend Rabbi Nemitz says, it can't hoit.
  • St. Sylvia's Player: So you're London Tipton?
    London: Yes, no photographs please.
    St. Sylvia's Player: It's OK. I've just always wanted to meet...the dumbest heiress in Boston.
    London: Excuse me.
    St. Sylvia's Player: (slowly and sarcastically) Was I talking too fast?
    Later an angry London power slams the ball in the girl's face.
    London: (slowly and sarcastically) Did I hit it too hard?
  • (after winning the volley ball game)
    Mary-Margaret: London, you did it!
    Sister Rose: London, it was miraculous! What has gotten into you?
    London: You can make me fly coach, you can make me eat day-old lobster, but call me dumb and you'll feel my rash!
    Maddie: You mean wrath.
    London: That, too!
  • London: It says "London, want to have dinner later? OX! OX! OX!"
    Maddie: Actually those are "O"'s and "X"'s. (As London looks confused) Hugs and Kisses.
    London: OH! (to Joe) OXes to you too sweetie.
  • Sister Rose: Let's go out there and beat those losers to the ground!!! Let us pray....Lord...Please help us bet these losers to the ground, Amen.
  • Mary-Margaret: We're not going to win unless we can get London mad again?
    Maddie: (seeing Joe and London come in) I just came up with a plan but it's very mean.
    Mary-Margaret: I love it already.
    Maddie: London is very jealous. If she sees Joe kissing another girl...
    Leslie: She'll get so mad ... and we'll win the game. YES!
    Mary-Margaret: (putting lip gloss on) OK if someone has to kiss Joe for the good of the team I'll make the sacrifice.
    Maddie: My idea, my lips. Just make sure London has a good view of us.
  • Maddie: London! Coach wants you to warm up.
    London: Okay! I'll go get my sweater.
  • London: Maddie, what are you still doing here?
    Maddie: Waiting for you to change, what took you so long?
    London: (gestures to herself) Hello, gorgeous. (gestures to Maddie) Hello, you.
  • London: (after she and Maddie make up): Now I have to go and make up with Joe.
    Maddie: You are so lucky. Joe is such a good kisser. (as London gives her a look) Not that I enjoyed it at all.

Loosely Ballroom [2.51]

  • Jessica: (to Zack) Your theory on the origin of the universe is amazing.
    Janice: Really really amazing.
    Cody: I can't take this. The theory of the origin of the universe is the "string" theory, not the "string-cheese" theory.
  • Esteban: So, little blonde peoples, to help me help my little sister, (begging) will you please take my ballroom dance class?
    Zack: We're into more manly sports.
    Cody: Yeah, we're more slam dunks then, grande jetté (does the dance)
    Zack: And some of us are even to manly to say, let alone do, a grande jetté.
    Jessica: Actually, I adore ballroom dancing.
    Janice: Me too. It's so romantic.
    Jessica: Really romantic.
    Zack and Cody: (cheerfully turn to Esteban) SIGN US UP!!
  • Esteban: (Walking tiredly) HI guys.
    Cody: How are dance classes coming?
    Esteban: Oh, I need more students, otherwise I won't have enough money for Estecarlata. She's having her quinceañera.
    Zack: What's that?
    Esteban: It’s the girl’s 15th birthday party. It’s a big deal in my country.
  • Moseby: (refering to London after she fixes Shannon's outfit) And yet, she can't figure out a pay phone.
  • Carey: Cody said you were teaching dance and we couldn't wait to learn from the great Esteban.
    Esteban: So he told you I was desperate for money and you took pity on me.
    Carey: Pretty much.
    Esteban: And I'm okay with that.
  • London: Ooh, sign me up, too! I have a whole closet full of ballroom dancing clothes I finally get to wear, then throw out.
  • Esteban: London and Lance, what are you comfortable doing?
    London: Shopping?
    Lance: Swimming?
    Esteban: I meant what dance.
    Lance: The Swim?
    London:The Shop?
  • London: (dancing with Lance): Remember, Esteban said to count out the beats!
    London and Lance: (trying to memorize the steps of the samba) One, two, three… (freezes and stares blankly)
    Zack, Cody, Jessica, and Janice: FOUR!!!
    London: Dancing would be fun if it weren't for all this math!
  • Announcer: And the winning team is the dance school of Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoy- That Guy!
  • Cody: Esteban, now you have enough money to pay for your little sister's quinceañera.
    Esteban: Oh, yes. And I would like to thank everyone from the heart of my bottom!
    Zack: Bottom of my heart.
    Esteban: That, too!
  • Esteban: This is a DISASTER!

Scary Movie [2.52]

  • Jessica: You sure you aren't in any pain?
    Zack: I'm fine. Anyone can land on their feet!
    Janice: Too bad. I was gonna kiss it and make it better.
    Zack: Oh! Ow! Searing pain! (just as Carey walks through the door)
    Carey: Oh my poor baby, let me kiss it and make it all better.
    Zack: (sheepishly) I'm fine.
  • Carey: You're ready to go to, movie buddies.
    Zack: We met Jessica and Janice at the park and we'd thought we'd go (to the movies) with them.
    Carey: Ok we can have fun, the five of us.
    Cody: Or maybe I'm just spitballing here. We could go and tell you all about it later.
    Carey: (finally getting it) OH, you want to be grownups. Don't worry you won't know I'm there. Busy street, hold Mommy's hands. (to the twins' embarassment)
  • Carey whistles as she enters the suite but stops when she sees Zack and Cody sternly looking at her.
    Zack: Mom have a seat.
    Carey: Am I in trouble?
    Zack: Yes.
  • Carey: Okay, I get it. You want more responsibility. How about I let you cut your own spaghetti?
    Cody: Deal!
    Zack: Will you let me handle this?
  • Carey: I can't believe my kids are breaking up with me. Okay, but I get to approve the movie.
    Zack: Deal.
    Cody: What about the spaghetti? That's piggybacked onto this right?
  • Zack: (to Cody) Why is she still here?
    Carey: To remind you not to see anything inappropriate, like "Bullet Sandwich" or "Zombie Mom."
    Cody: Fine, but when you pick us up, no hugging and no calling us "my little men."
    Carey: Why don't you just rip my heart out?
    Zack: I think that's how "Zombie Mom" ends.
  • Cody: (Hands Jessica a 20 dollar bill) Here you go girls. You go get the snacks while we get the tickets. Whatever you want, it's on us.
    Jessica: Thank you! (Walks away)
    Janice: American money is so odd.
    Jessica: Yes, really odd. (Looks closely at the bill) And their queen looks rather mannish.
  • Zack: Four for "Zombie Mom".
    Ticket Seller: Excuse me, but HOW old are you?
    Zack: I don't know, why don't you ask Mr. Washington. (Pulls out $1 bill)
    (The Ticket Seller looks around nervously, then hands Zack the four tickets to "Zombie Mom")
  • Cody: Even though I found the plotline was thin and the blood-drinking scene quite gratuitous, it scared the snot out of Janice. And she held on the me the whole time.
    Zack: Yeah, great flick.
    Cody: I could tell you liked it by your screaming.
    Zack: I wasn't screaming. I was cheering. (as Cody moves to turn light off) Don't you turn off that light!
    Cody: Or what, you'll "cheer" again?
  • Zack': You see, it's just a movie. I know there are no such things as zombie moms!
    Just then, Carey enters the dark room with green face cream and frizzed hair and the two scream at each other.
    Carey (Frantically): Why are you screaming? I just came in to say good night!
    Zack: Why is your face green? And do you have a craving for human flesh?
    Carey: It's a face mask. And do I have a what for what?
  • Moseby: I have two questions. Why is my night manager asleep at the desk and how did this furniture get piled up at the door?
  • Carey: (After Moseby accuses the boys of piling up the furniture at the door) Pinky swear?
    Twins: Pinky swear.
    Carey: There you have it.
    Moseby: (baffled) Yes because in court you swear on a stack of pinkies.
  • Zack: How did I do it.
    Cody: You must have been sleepwalking because the movie freaked you out.
    Zack: No I was not.
    Cody: ZOMBIE!
    Zack: Where? (runs and jumps under his covers).
    Cody: It just gets better and better.
  • Moseby: A-HA!!! I caught you red-handed! OK mister, let's have a litle talk about this, shall we? Yes! You're the one who's putting all the furniture...(Zack continues) Where are you going? Whoa, whoa...Listen up. I want you to listen to me young man. i don't want you putting any more furniture...What are you doing? Where were you when I moved out of my parents' place?
  • Carey: (sees Cody wrapped in bubble-wrap) Cody, what happened?
    Cody: Uh... I was going to save you airfare and ship myself to Grandma's?
    Carey: Where's Zack, and what's the bell from the hotel lobby doing in your room?
    Cody: Sleeping. Shh!
    Carey: It was Zack who moved the lobby furniture and you pinky-swore!
  • Moseby: (While Zack is sleepwalking) Now Zack, stop it!
    Zack: (In a monotone) Yes, stop zombies.
    Moseby: No, stop re-decorating!
  • Zack: (While sleepwalking he drops lamp on Moseby's foot) Sorry zombie.
    Moseby: Zombie, what did he just call me?
    Carey: (To Cody) Did he just say zombie?
    Cody: No! He said (turns around) dombie, mombie, combie, fombie...I got nothing.
    Carey: You DID see that movie.
    Cody: No, why would you think that?
    Zack: Must stop zombie Mom.
    Cody: Again I got nothing.
  • Carey: (to wake Zack up) Zack, I'm making chocolate chip pancakes.
    Zack: (waking) Cool, I'll have twelve. (suddenly realizing where he is) Why am I in the lobby, in my pajamas? (seeing Cody's bubble wrap) Although as ridiculous outfits go I come in second.
  • Carey: You were sleepwalking, trying to protect yourself from Zombie Moms.
    Zack: That's ridiculous because we didn't see that movie, right Cody?
    Cody: It was Zack's idea.
    Zack: Thanks, man.
  • Carey: (to Zack) First you are going to put all this furniture back and if either of you disobey me again you are going to wish you had a Zombie Mom. With greater freedom comes greater responsibility.
    Zack: Sorry Mom.
    Cody: Yeah, me too. However one good thing came from this.
    Carey: What?
    Cody: ZOMBIE!!
    Zack: Where? (hides underneath couch pillows)
    Cody: That never gets old.
  • Cody: Doggie came home.
    Jessica and Janice: Awww! (They rest their heads on Cody's shoulders to Zack's dismay.)
  • London: I can't believe I got detention again.
    Maddie: I can't believe you landed your helicopter in the school parking lot. The downdraft turned Sister Dominick into an actual flying nun.
  • Brandon: I can't believe my boss is a millionaire but won't spend a dime to fix his trucks. Rich people can be so obnoxious.
    Maddie: I know what you mean. (looks at London)
    London: I think they're no-moxious too.
    Maddie: You do? But you're filthy...
    London: Poor, starvingly poor.
  • Brandon: Well then perhaps I should take you to dinner.
    London: Here's my number. Call me...before they shut off the phone.
  • Maddie: So you're going to pass off as poor. Bet you can't handle it.
    London: Bet I can.
    Maddie: You're on.
    London: It's easy. I just have to wear cheap clothes, bad makeup, and frizzy hair, like you.
  • London: Do I look poor?
    Maddie: Yes, except for the diamond necklace.
    London: But its only 24 karats!
  • Moseby: What is going on? He asked nervously
    Maddie: London has a date with Brandon so she is trying to pass for poor. Wait until she has to ride the subway. (both laugh)
    London: The what?
    Moseby: The subway. It’s the train that runs underground.
    London: Oh stop making up stuff to scare me.
  • Brandon: London, ready to go?
    London: Yes, I’m poor and ready.
    Brandon: Don’t worry. The subway’s on me.
    London: (shocked) It’s real!?
  • Maddie: You can’t keep this up forever. Brandon will eventually find out you’re rich.
    London: We’ll cross that bridge when Daddy buys it.
  • Brandon: (seeing London’s fancy clothes) Hey London, fancy threads.
    London: (frantically) These…I made them…at the sweatshop where I work,…when I’m not working here, which I am right now
    London quickly takes Maddie’s work jacket and puts it on herself.
    Brandon: So you're both working here.
    Maddie: No, I'm off my shift now. It's all London's. (goes to lounge on the hotel sofa)
    London: Well bye,bye!
    Brandon: Actually I'll be bringing in deliveries all morning so I'll be in and out. Isn't that great?
    Maddie: (smugly) Yes it is.
  • A frustated London stomps on the cash register.
    Maddie: Stick around Brandon. Later she'll wrestle the ice machine.
  • London: I'm not taking the subway. I'm not splitting a burger and I'm not paying with a coupon, whatever that is. I'm going to Chez Robert and have a Duck a la Orange with truffles.
    Brandon: I don't think I have a coupon for that though.
  • London: I have a stretch limo so long that it can only go straight. If I have to turn a corner I have to change limos.
    Brandon: So I get the sense that you're rich?
  • Brandon: Why did you lie to me?
    London: Because I liked you, and you said you hated rich people.
    Brandon: Yeah, when they're pushy and mean. But, I mean, you're wonderful; so sweet and down to earth.
    London: Oh!
    Maddie: Okay, either London's a much better actress than I thought, or you're dumber than a wheel of cheese!
    Brandon: Dang, Maddie, you're poor and mean.
  • London: Let's leave her in her bitterness. Have you ever gone swimming in a limo?
  • Maddie: For all I care you can drown in that Limo!
    London: Like the life guard would let that happen!
  • Moseby: What’s going on here? It looks like a piñata threw up.
    Maddie: London just tried to take my shift but she couldn’t handle being working class, (brightening up) which means I was right and she was wrong, so I win. (claps excitedly)
    Moseby: So you win! (reaches behind counter) That’s wonderful Madeline. I’m so proud of you. Here’s your trophy.
    He hands her a broom to sweep up the mess London left.

Ah, Wilderness! [2.53]

  • Moseby: I don't believe our motto is Bikini Inspector.
  • Moseby: These shorts need to be 2 inches longer.
    Warren: Will that make them regulation, sir?
    Moseby: No, your knees just creep me out.
  • Warren: Wow, nobody said you could dress cool.
    Cody: You can't. (to Zack) This is not regulation. We haven't even had our first meeting yet, and you're already breaking the rules?
    Zack: Look, I didn't join up just to follow a bunch of dopey rules. I joined so I could tie knots, climb things, and start camp fires.
    Moseby: Basically, all the stuff you do in my lobby.
  • Warren:This is no picnic Ma'am.
    Bob: It is a tough, macho journey into the deep dark unknown.
    Zack: TAXI!!
  • Moseby: Ok gentlemen. This is where we set up our campsite.
    Warren: Why here?
    Cody: Well, isn't it obvious? It's flat, dry, and high up. Isn't that right Mr. Moseby?
    Moseby: No, it's just that I'm tired and cannot take another step.
  • Cody: Oh, no! We've been ransacked by a bear!
    Zack: Yeah, a bear with the feet of a raccoon.
    Cody: Oh, no! We've been ransacked by a bearcoon!
  • Warren: They dragged off all our food!
    Cody: What? That's terrible! That duffle bag was part of a matching set!
    Zack: Way to focus on the real problem.
  • Warren: I hate fish!
    Moseby: You'd be surprised at how wonderful they taste when you're STARVING! Fine the fishing poles
    Warren:(sits on a rock and finds the he sat on the fising poles) Found them.
  • Zack: (to Cody) C'mon, lets go get some burritos.
    Cody: Forget the burritos, Merle's brother's got a cabin...with babes! (both run off in opposite direction from the pack)
  • Maddie: Carey, I'm sorry, but I've got a big problem. Cliff Parks asked me out! He's smart, he's handsome, and he's rich!
    Carey: Wow, that is a problem. Does he have a brother?
    Veronica: Is he a brother?
  • Carey: I thought you said you didn't even like this guy.
    London: I only said that because he broke up with me.
    Carey: Oh, I see. You still have feelings for him.
    London: Yes, and I'm a very sensitive girl. And now, I'm going to destroy Maddie!
    Carey: Or next time you see Maddie you can just tell her how you feel. I'm sure she'll understand.
    London: No, I'd rather just destroy her.
  • During a London-Maddie argument in Carey's suite they unwittingly splatter paint all over Carey.
    Carey: Where's the maid with the towels when you need her?
  • Merle: You know, I haven't gotten a kiss from a woman in a long time.
    Carey: And you're not gonna.
  • Veronica: I hear your kids are away for a week.
    Carey: Oh yeah I miss them terribly.
    *knocks at the door*
    Carey: Oh no, they're back!
    (after Maddie leaves)
    Veronica: You know, it was very nice of you to help out that girl.
    Carey: Oh yeah, I think of Maddie like a sister and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her.
    *knocks at the door again*
    Carey: Oh what does she want now?!

Birdman of Boston [2.54]

  • Moseby: (looking up at the bird) Oh please! It's a kite!
    Zack and Cody stare as the bird leaves a stain on Mr. Moseby's suit.
    Cody: A kite wouldn't do that.
    Zack: A flying saucer might!
  • Zack gets spooked by the mother hawk
    Cody: Relax! She's just feathering her nest with London's pink pashmina.
    Zack: You know, I don't know what scares me more—that hawk, or the fact that you know what a pashmina is.
  • Patrick: Mr. Moseby, joining us for dinner? Might I suggest the duck a-la-splat.
    Patrick & Maddie laugh.
    Moseby: Oh, you heard?
    Patrick: Or the chicken bomb-ay.
    Patrick & Maddie continue laughing; Mr. Moseby glares at Patrick.
    Patrick: A little bird told me. (laughs with Maddie)
    Moseby: It's very funny, Patrick, yeah. Keep it up, and the next restaurant you work at you'll be wearing a paper hat!
    Patrick: Okay, okay, I'm done. That last one was cheap.
    Maddie: Cheep, cheep!
  • Moseby: Starting right now it is bye, bye, birdie!

Patrick: Ooh I love that musical!

  • Grace: That bird flew off with my engagement ring!
    Tim: That ring cost me a month's salary!
    Grace: A month?!?
    *Carey: Ooooh. Yeah. Rule of thumb is at least 3 months salary on an engagement ring.
  • Tim: Three months? For a plasma TV maybe, but a ring?
  • Grace: That's it! The wedding is off, cheapskate! (Grace storms out with Tim following)
    Carey: And that's why. (points to direction the couple left with both hands)

  • Carey: I'm still getting paid, right?

  • Cody: It's coming, it's coming! (pause) The baby's here.
    Zack: And he's gonna be a big star.
    Cody: I don't care, as long as he has four talons on each foot, I don't care.
  • Arwin: Holy pterodactyl! Not exactly a parakeet is it.
    Moseby: No, no it's a pair of claws.
  • Moseby: That bird needs to check-out pronto!
    Cody: You can't move her.
    Zack: It's wrong.
    Moseby: It's wrong? Ha! Look who's talking? The president and vice president of the "Do Everything Wrong Association of America"!
  • Cody: But there is a Mr. Tipton and he loves wild animals.
    Moseby: He's got homes in 12 different countries, you wouldn't know where he is.
    Zack: Madrid, it was in today's paper.
    Moseby: You don't have his phone number.
    Cody: Its on London's speed dial.
    Moseby: You don't have the nerve the nerve.
    Zack: We climbed ten stories up a laundry chute, we got nothing but nerve.
  • Zack: (after mother hawk flies away) Who is going to hatch the egg.
    Cody: I will.
    Zack: OK but you'd better squat real low.
  • Cody: (as his mother moves to touch the egg) Don't touch it. Don't you know anything about mothering?
    Carey: Apparently not.
    Cody: If you touch it you'll get human scent on it and the mother may never come back.
  • Maddie: Is everyone at school picking on you because your brother is hatching an egg?
    Zack: No just the opposite. All the girls are going ga-ga over Cody and no one will talk to me.
    Just then Cody comes in accompanied by Jessica and Janice
    Zack: See?
  • Jessica: (to Cody) Where did you learn to be sweet?
    Zack: From me. He used be all tough and macho until one day I told him, "Hey dude! Stop it!"
  • Jessica and Janice: (repeated lines) ...for the sake of....the baaaaaaby.
  • Cody: (To Jessica and Janice) Anything but eggs. It just wouldn't seem right cause of. . .
  • Jessica and Janice: the baaaaaaby. (They both give Cody a kiss)
  • Moseby: Both of you need to calm down. I talked to the zoo, and they're willing to take the baby hawk as an honored guest.
    Patrick: Oh, brilliant solution. Everyone's happy.
    Maddie: I know Cody, and he'll never put his baby in a cage.
    Moseby: Oh, well, maybe the zoo will also take the twins. Oh, happy day!
  • Cody: (To Carey) Mom, when you left, did your mother cry?
    Carey: Only after I was gone.
  • Cody: If you do anything to harm that bird, we'll tell the T.G.A.T.P.P.W.S.H.A.
    Zack and Moseby: The what?
    Cody: The Government Agency that Punishes People who Scare Hawks Away!
    Zack: Oh, yeah. They play hardball!

Nurse Zack [2.55]

  • Voice at door: Hotel Doctor.
    Zack: Mom, Door. Oh, sorry, that was insensitive of me. CODY, DOOR!
  • Dr. Chip: So, who's the patient?
    Carey: That would be me, the woman lying in bed, sneezing her guts out.
    Dr. Chip: Actually, you can't really sneeze your guts out. I wrote a paper on it.
    Cody: What grade did you get?
    Dr. Chip: That's not important!
  • Zack: For Cody two hundred single-ply napkins.
    Cody: I wanted two-ply
    Zack: (throwing box in Cody's direction) Glue them together.
    Cody: (tissues hit his head) Ow...
    Zack: Here's an ice pack. (prepares to throw)
    Cody: Never mind!
    Carey: Honey, why don't you just walk the stuff into him?
    Zack: It's not my fault all he can catch is a cold.
  • Dr. Chip: (checking Cody) You're sick.
    Carey: (sarcastically) Wow, you're good.
  • Dr. Chip: No I can't ask her out. Her kids are like my age.
  • Carey: Did you bring the cough syrup?
    Zack: Here you go.
    Carey: That's maple syrup.
    Zack: Well I thought if you were feeling better you'd make us a stack of pancakes.
  • Carey: Honey...
    Zack: Get your own dang honey.
  • Maddie: I'm converting this maid's cart into a mobile candy counter. So now I can get candy to the guests.
    Moseby: Splendid idea, Maddie, but where did you get the maid's cart.
    A maid upstairs is struggling with her supplies because she has no cart.
    Maddie: Online.
  • Repeated gag after Arwin supposedly fixes everything: Sound of something crashing
    Arwin: Except that.
  • London: That is all the employees do around here. Work, work, work.
    Maddie: Call us wacky!
  • Repeated gag when someone needs help: Lance gives them CPR.
  • Patrick: (to Moseby) I'd like to show you my creme brulee.
    Arwin: Not until I show him the (automated) door.
    Moseby: (irritated) I'd like to show all of you the door.
  • Esteban walks through the Arwin-automated door. It hits Patrick and the cake he's holding hits Moseby in the face.
    Patrick: You did this on purpose, saboteur.
    Esteban: It's not my fault. That devil door opened by itself.
    Arwin: Door's don't hurt people. People hurt people.
    Norman: Doors without doormen hurt people.
  • Patrick: (to Moseby) I would never do anything to sabotage another employee. (steps all over Maddie's candy) Never, never, never, never!
    Maddie: Hey!
  • Patrick: (with his suit in tatters) Maddie I know it was you who let thirty cats loose in the dining room—on Sushi Sunday.
    Maddie: Face it, candy crusher. You can't compete with me or my roving cart.
    Maddie touches the cart and everything collapses.
    Maddie: You did this.
    Patrick: No I didn't but I wish I did.
    Maddie: If you didn't then who?
    Irene giggles.
    Maddie: Irene!? It's always the quiet ones.
  • Esteban: Arwin, what are you up to?
    Arwin: Oh, I'm gonna automate the revolving doors.
    Esteban: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, because last time it went so well.
    Arwin turns the blowtorch on but all it blows is bubbles.
    Arwin: OK who made the blowtorch blow bubbles.
    Norman giggles.
    Esteban: Good one Norman.
    He tries to lift bags but finds them glued or magnetized to the floor.
    Esteban: So you think that's funny, Mr. Automatically?
    Just then a purple Lance comes in.
    Arwin: Not as funny as that.
    Lance: All right who filled the pool with grape juice.
    Patrick laughs.
  • Everyone arguing
    Guest: Excuse me, I need help checking in.
    Everyone continues arguing.
    Moseby: I will take care of you right away, madam, and (shouts to staff) I WILL TAKE CARE OF ALL OF YOU LATER!!! (sees Lance) I don't even want to know.
  • Moseby: I have gathered you here so we get this whole employee-of-the month business out of the way.
    Lance: Dude, it's been only a week.
    Moseby: Yes, I know "dude" but another three and we'll be out of business and that is why I have decided to cancel it.
  • The staff pressures Moseby to name the winner.
    Moseby: Fine, the employee of the month is... at that moment the elevator opens and a still-sick Carey walks out... Carey Martin!
    Everyone: What?!?
    Maddie: But she's been sick in bed all week.
    Moseby: Precisely, she is the only one who hasn't annoyed any of the guests and, more importantly, me.
  • Moseby: Carey.
    Carey: (sickly) Yeah.
    Moseby: You are employee of the month.
    Carey: (holding box) Can my prize be this box of tissues?
    Moseby: Yes.
    Carey: 'Kay (does thumbs-up).
  • London: It's little me, back from Paree.
    Maddie: Don't rub it in. Paris was where I wanted to go.
    London: You could have. I needed someone to accompany me on my shopping spree in Paris but you were all too busy working.
    Everyone looks at each other in surprise and dismay.
    London: (entering the elevator) I guess you're all too busy to accompany me to Rio (de Janeiro) too.
    Everyone, led by Maddie, suddenly rushes into the elevator.
    Arwin: (as doors close) I'm not sure how much this elevator can hold.
    Just then the cable snaps sending everyone screaming to the basement.

Club Twin [2.56]

  • Maddie: Hey, guys. So, how'd the summer job hunt go?
    Cody: I tell ya, it's tough to secure employment in an economic climate where interest rates are climbing and large cap stocks are fluctuating wildly.
    Zack: Plus, we got turned down by Taco Schmaco.
    Maddie: Well, Señor Schmaco does like employees to see over the counter.
  • Cody: All we want to do is earn a few bucks so we can get into this new teen club. But whenever we ask Mom for some money, she just gives us coupons.
    Zack: And it's hard to bribe your way past the bouncer with 12 cents off Toaster Strudel.
  • After Zack tells Maddie his business dreams
    Maddie: That's great Zack! And in the mean time, you owe me a buck for the candy bar.
    Zack: Cody, give her a buck.
    Cody: Do you take coupons? Maddie shakes head
  • Zack: And all it will cost you is some start-up fees. I figure 12 G's.
    Moseby: Here's one G. Go!
    Cody: How about $60 for balloons and drinks?
    Moseby: That is more sensible.
  • Zack: Max, dance with as many guys as possible. The more they dance, the more sweat, and the more drinks they buy .
    Max: What's in it for me?
    Zack: $10 and a big ole kiss from Zack.
    Max: I'll take the money. Hold the lips.
  • Zack: (to kid looking at two hot girls) $5 and I'll put you in between her and her.
  • Zack: (to one of the girls) $5 and I'll get you away from him.
  • Zack: Simple math. One hot girl equals three desperate guys.
  • Barbara: What a sugar rush! OH yeah!
  • Moseby: How do you plan on paying for these bills?
    Zack: I was thinking cash. (holds wad of cash)
    Moseby: (taking it) I was thinking OK.
  • Zack: I am King Midas...everything I touch turns to gold!
    Cody (sarcastically): You really need to work on that low self-esteem thing.
  • Cody: Zack, you told me you booked two dancers who looked like they were from the '60s, not two dancers in their '60s!
  • Zack: They looked hot here in this picture.
  • Cody: Didn't you notice the brontosaurus in the background?
  • Agnes: (to Zack & Cody) I want you to know, people are going to tell you that you really messed up. Last night was a disaster and you made fools of yourselves. I just wanted to say I'm one of those people. (leaves)
  • Cody: Way to go Midas. Everything you touched turned to OLD.
  • Maddie: Boy, you're simple. Oh, how about calling your cosmetics Simply London?
    London: Ooh! I like that! I'm going to tell Daddy. Simply... what was the last part again?
  • London sprays perfume on herself and boys follow her.
    Maddie: That doesn't prove anything. Men follow you around anyway.
    London: True but do they usually follow a chair? (sprays chair and boys go to it)
    Maddie: Wow and that chair doesn't have nice legs. Give me that. (sprays perfume on herself and boys go to her except for one who takes the chair out of the lobby) I hope you two will be happy together.
  • Maddie: I gave some (perfume) to Grandma. It turns out that Grandpa can walk faster than we thought.
  • London: The smell of London is the smell of love.
  • Maddie: (looks like a badly dressed clown) Turns out the perfume changes the longer you wear it. Did you test this stuff?
    London: Yes, on you. Better get a picture for Daddy's lab boys.
  • Moseby: (seeing Maddie on the lobby floor) Security, clown down in the lobby.
  • Zack: (to old cage dancer) Well it seems that your go-go, went-went
  • Zack: It's going to be better this week for two reasons.
    Cody: What's that?
    Zack: I'm in charge.
    Cody: What's the second reason?
    Zack: You won't be.

Risk It All [2.57]

  • Zack:He's gotta pick us! Who else is dressed up like twin Elvis's?
    Carey:(points to two people) Those two over there.
  • Zack: (Talking like Jerry) That’s right Cody-C-to, you freak.
  • Zack: We’re never gonna get any sleep!
    Cody: Hey, didn’t we win a free room in this hotel?
  • Cody: (Talking like Elvis) Don’t cry little lady, your getting tears on my blue suede shoes.
  • Maddie: Ugh! We need a password! What could it be?
    Esteban: Maybe it's "Esteban is the most handsome employee in the hotel."
    Maddie: Why would it be that?
    Esteban: Because it is true.
  • Maddie: Wait, how did you know about that email? We deleted it.
    Moseby: Well not before I read it on my cell-phone. And what did you mean you deleted it?
  • London: (comes by) Whatcha doing?
    Maddie: (typing angrily) I'm composing an irate letter to Mr. Moseby, in an attempt to express my inner angst and achieve emotional catharisis.
    London: (not understanding) Whatcha doing?
    Maddie: Typing.
  • London: (Whenever something bad happens) Oooh, you guys are in trouble! (pronounced trah-boul)

A Nugget of History [2.58]

  • History Teacher: You seem a little batty!
  • Mosbey's Grandma: Oh, I'm batty; this bat is batty! (pulls bat out of bag and chases Zack's teacher)

Miniature Golf [2.59]

  • Cody: How did I do?
    Barbara: You scored just under par.
  • Carrie: There's a vending machine in the basement. If I take the stairs down, I can get two candy bars. If I take the stairs up... (stops; look of realization) I better get more quarters.
  • Cody: How about the library? That's where Barbara and I are going!
    Zack: The library? Well, here's something that's long overdue! (slaps Cody on arm)
  • Barbara: Zack, you scored a 100, not counting the ball you bit in half.
    Cody: On the bright side, I think Ella was impressed by the club you threw.
    Barbara: Yeah, that baby flew. It landed on the other side of the highway!
  • London: Now we've talked about fashion and cars, let's get down to business. What do you think of my hair?
  • Maddie: I can't believe it! They're not even talking about the book!
    Mr. Moesby: And you're surprised because...?
  • Zack: I got beaten by a girl! It's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me!
    Cody: More embarrassing than the time in gym class when your shorts fell down?
    Zack: That was you.
  • Carrie: Zack, I can't believe you're being that shallow.
    Cody: Face it, Mom. He's as shallow as a kitty pool.
    Zack: At least I'm not scared to swim in one.
  • Zack: Mr. Moesby, I see...oh heck, just start yelling.
    Mr. Moesby: Zack, you golf?
    Zack: I was expecting more of a "get out of my hotel this instant you diminuitive demon!"
  • Mr. Moesby: The competition would quake when they saw me coming with Big Beulah.
    Zack: Was Big Beulah the name of your club?
    Mr. Moesby: Nope, my mother. Beaulah Moesby. That woman was 250 pounds of fire and brimstone. And twenty pounds of coffee cake.
  • Zack: I think I can do this. Although, I also thought that I could pass history last semester and that didn't go too well.
  • Ella: You know what, Zack? You're what my Uncle Vinny from New York would call a...(garbage truck drowns out words)
    Barbara: Wow...Uncle Vinny's got a way with words...
  • Maddie: So don't you think she was a total snob?
    Rich Girl: I know! I loved her!
  • Chelsea: So you think that just because my family's yacht is smaller that you're better than me?
    Rich Girl: Umm...yeah!
  • Carrie: Just know that a girl can do whatever a boy can do. And we can do it while wearing high heels.
  • Zack: I'm sorry.
    Cody: Apology not accepted.
    Zack: (pushes Cody) Yeah, yeah, couldn't care less.
  • Carrie: (after Zack and Barbara leave) (picks up donut)
    Cody: (from off-screen) Drop it.

Health and Fitness [2.60]

  • Carey: You are going to quit cold turkey.
    Chef Paolo: Oh, cold turkey with-a hot gravey.
  • Cody: What's wrong, Chef Paolo?
    Chef Paolo: It's the results of my blood test.
    Zack: It can't be that bad
    Chef Paolo: They found bacon bits!
  • Chef Paolo: (reading a note from Cody) Chef Paolo, here's your midnight snack: one chocolate chip. If you learn to enjoy things in moderation, you can live healthier. (Chef Paolo takes small bite from chocolate chip) I will save the rest for later. (brief pause) It's later!
  • Zack: (takes candy bar out of book)
    Chef Paolo: Are you gonna share that?
    (Zack jumps)
    Chef Paolo: Where'd you hide that?
    Zack: In one of my mom's cookbooks. She'd never look there!
  • Carey: don't feel like you have to hid stuff from me then Pig out

Zack: Yeaht that's not really working out [Rubs Belly Which Jiggles]

Back In The Game [2.61]

  • Cody: What would make you think we were playing basketball? (Sees basketball in his hand.) Oh.
  • Maddie: You guys are all... oh I can't say it or I'll have to go to a confession!
  • London: (after failing to understand what Maddie's student film is about?) What's it about?
  • Maddie: It's about a girl and a boy.
  • Maddie: Okay Lance, you're rich.
    Lance: Rich what?
    Maddie: No, you have money.
    Lance: Oh, so I'm rich and my name is Rich? (laughs with London)
    Maddie: No!
    Lance: So what's my name
    Maddie: It doesn't matter!
    Lance: So why can't it be Rich?!
    Maddie: OKAY, it's Rich!!!!!!!
  • Maddie: All of you stink! Except you, (pointing at Lance) You MER-stink!
    Lance: Cool!
  • Maddie: London, remember- You're pathetic, alone, and no one loves you.
    London: (feeling insulted) And you're a poor squatty-legged, frizzy-haired freak!
    Maddie: I was talking about your character!
    London: Oh. Well, so was I.
  • Lance: On page two it says I enter walking, but I think instead I should enter swimming.
    Maddie: The scene's outside, we'd have to dig a hole just for a swimming pool.
    Lance: I think it might be worth it.
  • Zack: Oh, hey Jamie. Here to play some basketball?
    Jamie: No. The wheelchair exit's out there.
    Zack: Oh, you mean the skateboard ramp?
  • Maddie: ...And action!
    London: Oh, yeah, thanks for lending me your clothes, Maddie.
  • Moseby: What are you all doing out here? (Stares at London) And why are you wearing Maddie's clothes?

The Suite Life Goes to Hollywood [2.62 to 2.63]


  • Carey: Boys, what's going on here?
    Zack: There's a dead body in that bag!
    Lou: Are these your kids?
    Carey: Are you guys cops?
    Bud: No.
    Carey: Then, yes.
  • Zack: Bye, Maddie. (hugs her)
    Cody: Bye, Maddie. (hugs her)
    Carey: Bye, Maddie. (hugs her)
    Zack: (pulling his mom away and hugging her again) Bye, Maddie.
    Carey: Zack, remember how we talked about peoples personal space?
    Zack: Yeah, but I like Maddie's space the best.


  • Mr. Moseby: I can't believe we got kicked out
    London: Of my own hotel. I'm calling daddy!
    Maddie: It's not your hotel. Hello, it's a set! And its cool
    London: Cool like a fridge?
    Maddie: No cool as in hot as in waddah eltahir from mt gravatt state school

I Want My Mummy [2.64]

  • Skippy: I'll get there and back before you can say butterscotch! (goes off to get pudding, stops, and comes back) But say it real slow.
    London: (saying butterscotch slowly) Buuuuuuuutttttttttttterrrrrrrscooootchhhhhh.
  • Maddie: By the way, what exactly does this "curse" do to you?
    Esteban: Let's just say you will live your life in agonizing poverty.
    Maddie: I get that now.
    Esteban: And your skin melts off, your hair bursts into flames, and your eyes pop off.
    Maddie: Eww! That would so put a damper on prom!

Zack: Show me the mummy!
Moseby: I will show you the door!

Aptitude [2.65]

  • Patrick: Mr. Moseby, my podium is falling apart, and I want a new one. I picked out a lovely one from Podium Emporium. It's mahogany, with a little holder for my spectacles!
    Mr. Moseby: (gasps) Oh, it is beautiful! However, we can't afford it!
    Patrick: I'm prepared to quit!
    Mr. Moseby: I'm prepared to replace you!
    Patrick: I hate when you do that!
  • Zack: 24% compounded yearly means 2% compounded monthly?
    Carey: (gasping in surprise) Zack, you just did math in your head!
    Zack: WOW! I did! You know if they just put dollar signs in front the numbers, math would be a whole lot easier.

Season 3

Graduation [3.66]

  • Barbara: I'm taking 5 AP classes.
    Cody: I'm taking 6.
    (Barbara steps on Cody's toes)
    Barbara: Oww!
    Cody: Steel-toed boots.

Summer of Our Discontent [3.67]

  • Zack: (Sits next to Haley) Well,well,well. Who do we have here? I'm Zack.And you are...?
    Haley: Shy. Painfully shy. (Puts a bag over her head) Don't look at me!
  • Brick: (to Zack) Move, you're sitting in my seat.
    Zack: Your seat?
    Brick: Yeah, see, my name's carved over here. (points to desk)
    Zack: (reads) Brick. Is that your nickname because you're big and rectangular?
    Brick: It's short for Brickford, you twerp-face!
    Zack: And that would be my nickname!
  • Mrs.Bird: Hello, class. My name is Mrs. Bird. That's BUH-IRD. Bird. Now,I want you to know that there's only one person who doesn't want to be here as much as you do, and that's me.
  • Mrs.Bird: Now, since it is summer, I've decided that we do some thematic poetry on summer.
    Class: Huh?
    Mrs.Bird: Oops. I'm sorry.I meant some rhymey words about the hot time
    Class: Oh, yeah! That makes perfect sense.
  • Mrs. Bird: Brick, nice to see you again.
    Brick: Laura.
    Mrs. Bird: (To Haley), what about you, sweetie?(takes off bag)
    Haley: Oh no! Why is everyone looking at me? I think I'm gonna barf! (grabs bag from Mrs. Bird)
    Zack: (Who now sits behind Haley) Movin' my chair, Movin' my chair!
    'Brick: Grrrr!
    Zack: Movin' back! Movin' back!
  • Mrs.Bird: You. Skater boy. What do you think?
    Zack: I think that Shakespeare is hitting on a chick, by telling her she's hot as a summer's day.
    Mrs.Bird: No Zack. That's-that's right!
    Mark: (coughs) Nerd!
    Zack: There's a nerd in Summer School! Where?
    (Class throughs paper ball at him)
    Zack: Hey! Make sure you clean those up! Oh,no. I am a nerd!
  • Mrs.Bird:Mark, in the multiple choice test, you circled a, b, c and d in each one.
    Mark: I just couldn't decide on one letter.
    Mrs.Bird: I can-F!
  • Mrs. Bird:"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood."What season do you think it is?
    Mrs.Bird: No.Zack?
    Zack: Ummm... (looks at class's menacing glares) Baseball season?
    (Class laughs)
    Mrs.Bird: No,Zack. It's autumn.
    Zack: Really? That must mean summer school's over!
  • Carey: Zack,you can't fail summer school! You're running out of seasons!
  • (Doorbell in suite rings, Zack opens door)
    Zack: Mark?
    Mark: Relax, I'm not gonna beat you up.
    Zack: (sarcastically) Phew. That's a relief!

Sink or Swim [3.68]

  • Lance: So London, are you ready for your swimming lessons?
    London: Shh! Lower your voice.
    Lance: (deeper voice) London, are you ready for your swimming lessons?
  • London: Come in!
    Lance: Wow, rich people have big bath tubs.

Super Twins [3.69]

  • Zack: You know, this Weather Warrior game stinks! You can't win with the lame super powers they give you.
    Bob: Not me. Captain Coldfront sneezes ice. I just snotted out half of Cityopolis!
  • London: (thinking) Left, right, left, right, blink, breath—Ooh! Twinkly lightbulb! (losing air) Breathe! (starts skipping) Skip, skip, skip.
  • London's Mirror Hey! I was taking a nap!!

[Ray gun Shoots, Ray bounces of mirror and hits Moseby] Zack If it turns kids into adults, what does it turn adults into? [Ray stops, and Moseby's suit turns into babies clothes] Moseby UGUUGUGYUGGYUGGUYUGUGGYGUGYYGUGYYGU!

Who's the Boss [3.70]

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Baggage [3.71]

  • Zack: At least it's better than your bathtime poem: In this tub are you and me, so listen bub, please don't...(sees old lady in front of them)...splash.
  • Cody:(Complaining about the noisy party in the room above)Isn't that inconsiderate.
    Zack: Yeah it sure is- they didn't invite me.
    Cody: You can't go! We need our sleep. We are finely tuned athletes in training.
    Zack: We put bags!
    Cody: But quickly! As long as we're up, we might as well practice our bagging.
    Zack: Your right, oh! Oh! And I have a poem that'll help us out(Grabs paper back off Cody)... When we get out of bed... bag your head! (Puts paper bag on Cody's head)
    Cody: I have a poem too: you're a jerk!
  • Skippy: Moseby said he'll be here as soon as possible.
    Carey: But that could take...
    Moseby: I'm here!
    Carey: ...Seconds.
    Moseby: Sorry it took me so long... traffic!
  • Moseby: (Talking to guests awoken by London's party) Please relax, and stay calm. (Guests go back into their rooms) LONDON, OPEN UP THIS DOOR!
    Carey: Mr. Moseby, don't you have an access card that opens every door in this hotel?
    Moseby: Oh, yes, but I'm afraid I've left it at home.
    Carey: Oh, here, use Zack's. (Moseby looks at Carey in shock) Don't give me that look, I confiscated it from him!
    Moseby: Yes, you're mother of the year!
  • Wayne: (wearing Betsy Ross' Dress) This dress is killing me.
  • Carey: No I think you're killing it.
  • Cody: (wearing Betsy Ross' Dress) Do these stars make me look fat?
  • Carey: I don't know. I'm still blind from looking at Wayne.

Sleepover Suite [3.72]

  • Zack: Dude, this statue is freaking me out. Its eyes, they follow you everywhere.
    Cody: As opposed to the real London, whose eyes just stare blankly into space.
  • London: Zack! I can't sleep. I need my white noise machine.
    Zack: And you're telling me this because...?
    London: Sound like a tropical rainforest!
    Zack: (makes tropical rainforest sounds)
    London: (stops Zack) Too apeman. Make wave sounds!
    Zack: (wave sounds) Woosh! Woosh!
    London: More... French Riviera.
    Zack: Le woosh! Le crash!
  • Cody: They're Rat Roaches! Half rat, half roach, all monster!
    (Girls inside closet giggle)
    Zack: They giggle before they strike!
    London: Oh no! Get me out of here!
  • Zack: She's an exterminator!
    Girl: Exterminator? The only reason I'm here is because of the sleep-
    Zack: (kisses girl to stop her from speaking)
    London: Why did you just kiss one of my exterminators?
    Zack: (serious) Because she may never come back.
  • Cody: Zack, keep London in the bath.
    Zack: Great, I'll go grab my snorkel.
    Cody: Nice try, dork-el.

The Arwin that came to Dinner [3.73]

  • Arwin: Carey, wait. Aren't you gonna read a bed-time story? Mother always used to do that.
    Zack: Yeah, Mom used to do that with us, too. Then we turned six.
    Arwin: You're never too old for a classic. (Takes out a book)

Carey: The Little Engineer That Could. Ahh let me guess it's about a hotel engineer that thought he couldn't fix something and then he could.
Arwin: (Gasps) You saw the movie!

  • Carey: Arwin, don't you want to take a break and (exasperated) go home?
    Arwin: No, I should really stay and fix this.
    Carey: (still exasperated) But it wasn't broken when you got here.
    Arwin: (yanks out chord from under sink) It is now!

Lip Synchin' in the Rain [3.74]

  • Carey: Here, sing this (plays C note on harmonica): ♪ Do re me fa so la ti doh ♪
    London: How am I supposed to remember all that?
    Carey: could...uh, think of things that remind you of each note. (plays C note on harmonica) ♪ Do. ♪
    London: Ooh, that's easy! Dough means money!
    Carey: ♪ Re, me ♪
    London: Ooh. Yay me! (claps)
    Carey: ♪ fa so ♪
    London: If something's far, I say "so?" because I have a private jet.
    Carey: ♪ la ♪
    London: "Law" is something you get to break if you're rich. (points to herself and mouths "me".)
    Carey: ♪ ti ♪
    London: (gasp) My favorite vowel!
    Carey: ♪ Do ♪
    London: Yay! More money!
    Carey: 'Kay. Now let's try putting it all together.
    London: Dough! Yay me! (claps) Far, So? Law, T (high-pitched and off key) ♪ Dough! ♪
    (Glass on the table shatters)
    London: Mazel tov!
  • Director: OK, Maddie. Are you ready to bop the top? Because remember: we're all in this together.
    Maddie: Okay, you're pushing it to the limit.
  • Director: Congratulations, Cody. You're beginning to look like Zac Efron.
    Maddie: And I don't look like Ashley Tisdale? You people are all crazy!

First Day of High School [3.75]

  • London: Fill this with Candy! Maddie asked me to send it to her. She's spending a semester with her Aunt Artica.
    Nia: Antartica is not a person, it's a continent.
    London: You mean like ketchup and mustard?

Of Clocks and Contracts [3.76]

  • Cody: Sorry, London. I can't help you. I have a report on Moby Dick.
    London: I'll pay you.
    Cody: The whale can wait
  • Nia: Hey, no fair! I have a science project, too. I can't afford a nerd.
    Cody: We nerds prefer educational consultants.
  • Zack: Hey mom, I've got gum in my ear!
    Moseby: And nothing in your head.
    Carey: I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.
    Zack: Nope.
    [Carey pulls the gum out; Moseby is disgusted. Zack then tries to put the gum in his mouth]
    Carey: Leave it!
  • Moseby: Oh, Carey! Are you going to take Zack's advice?
    Carey: I know you don't believe this, but Zack can be pretty smart.
    Zack: (With the gum wrapped around his head) Check it out! I'm a gummy mummy. *Roar*
  • Cody: London, there isn't enough money in the world to make me do your project for you.
    London: Maybe not in your world, but in my world, I have enough money to buy your world.
  • Cody: Well, why don't you conduct an experiment that conducts the principles of gene splicing?
    London: Ooh, I can do that. I mean, I usually buy my jeans with holes already in them, but I can slice them myself.
    Cody: Arg. This is like talking to a potato. We'll make a potato clock.
    London: Why would a potato need to tell time? Ooh, I got it: so it knows when it's done!
  • Cody: Potato make tick tock!
  • Cody: Hey! (3x) Let's not break the nerd!
  • London: If you finish this project for me, I'll write your book report for you.
    [Cody and London burst out laughing]
    London: Seriously, finish the clock!
  • London: Well, Cody's been my best friend for years!
    Nia: Oh, yeah? Then, what's his last name?
    London: Cody-Cody-?
    Cody: Martin.
    London: No. I'm pretty sure it's Cody.
    Nia: See, you don't even know his last name.
    London: I'll write Cody all the last names he wants!
    Cody: Martin!
    London: Fine! Then, I'll write Martin all the last names he wants!
  • Cody: Forget it! I won't be a part of this. London, keep your money; Nia, keep Yo Mama tickets.
  • London: Let's blow up a tomato and make some KETCHUP!
  • London: First place at the Science Contest. We're the smarterest!
  • Carey: Shut...UP!
  • Carey: Please tell me you didn't do anything that's going to make me wish that Cody was an only child.
  • Moseby: I'm sorry, Carey, but as a friend I can't let you do that.
    Carey: Yes you can.
    Moseby: No I can't.
    Carey: Yes you can. Mr. Moseby, we love the Tipton and everyone it it, especially you!
    Moseby: There was no other job offer, was there?


  • London: Everyone loves home-made french fries, but who has the time?
    Nia: I don't; I usually have to pay those crazy drive thru prices.
    London: Well, not any more!
    [They go behind the table and display their product]
    London: With the lighning fry maker, you can have delicious fries in seconds.
    [London covers a platter of potatoes and Nia flips the switch; London lifts the cover off the platter, displaying french fries. London and Nia made surprised facades; London hands Nia one of the fries.]
    Nia: Mmmm. Now that's a good fry!
    London: If you call now, we'll include a 50 pound bag of potatoes absolutely FREE! (She falls over with the bag) Ahh!
    Nia: $49 shipping and handling not included.
    London: Hurry, they're selling like hot cakes!
    Nia: Don't you mean, hot potatoes?
    [*Forced laughter*, they high-five each other.]
    London: Seriously (makes a serious face), call. You won't regret it!
    Nia: Lightning Fry is not responsible for any accidents, injuries, or mutations that may occur while using this product.
    [London and Nia give 2 thumbs up to the camera and smile.]

Arwinstein [3.77]

  • Zack:Ok! We gotta find that monster
    Cody:Were never gonna find it
    Zack:Found it
  • Moseby:(Trying to protect Carrey)Carrey run!! ( The monster growls at him)Like this!! (Runs)

Team Tipton [3.78]

  • Cody: Cologne, fresh shirt. Wow, Maddie should come home from Antartic more often.
    Zack: Well my woman's back and it's about time we resume our relationship.
    Cody: You mean the one where you hit on her and she laughs
    Zack: No. The one where she sees me and says "You know you look a lot like Zack only older and a lot better looking."
    Cody: Clearly the cologne has gone to your head. They go over to the candy counter thinking Maddie is behind the boxes.
    Zack: Hey sweet thang. Although it's been ages since I've seen you, now that your back from saving the penguins, it's like you never left.
    Millicent comes out from behind the boxes.
    Millicent: I never did.
    Zack screams causing Millicent to scream so Zack screams again causing Millicanet to scream again.
    Cody: Zack was expecting to see Maddie, and he's dissapointed it's you.
    Millicent: I get that alot
    Zack: Well I like you, and I hope we can still be friends.
    Millicent: I get that alot too/

  • Maddie: (frozen)Hey gggggguys I'm bbbbbbbback.
    Zack: MADDIE!
    He hugs her.
    Maddie: Zack, don't let go off me
    Zack: I knew you'd missed me
    Maddie: Actually, I'm still defrosting from Antarctica
    Cody: Hey Maddie, it's good to see you again
    Maddie: CODY, HI! (pulls him to hug) Better, warmer...

Esteban: Maddie!!
Maddie: [Happy voice]Esteban! Hug - here - [Mean voice]now!
Esteban: Okay (arwin walks over)
Maddie: Arwin! don't be shy. Get over here.
Arwin: Ooh Group Hug! I love group hugs! Especially with other people! (Old Lady walks by)
Maddie: Hey Lady! Come on, I could really use the heat (Lady disgusted and walks away) After her! (Whole big hug clump walks all together following the lady)
Arwin: Wow! She's fast!

  • Maddie: (Roleplaying as London) Mint me Candy Girl, even now you're busy forget the other customers because I am more important! - Yay me! (claps)
    London:(Roleplaying as Maddie) Sorry London. I can't right now 'cause I have to tell you a story about one of my weird relatives. Do me a favor and listen would you, while I go on and on and on and wearing my really ugly clothes!
    Nia: (Roleplaying as Maddie) Oh and let's not forget: Now that I'm back from saving the penguins, I want everyone to stop what they're doing and do it the way that I want it.
    Millicent: (Roleplaying as Nia) And I'm Nia and you better do what I do because I'm tough and I'll crush you like a grape!(After prentending to be Nia) I was talking about another Nia.
    Nia: Ah huh!
    Carey: Ooh! I'll do Patrick! (Roleplaying as Patrick) Well.. (Hand on forehead) I suppose I can get you to finish dinner in time to see Carey Martin's show but that would mean working hard.
    Arwin: (trying to act as Esteban) (roleplaying as himself) Mr. Moseby, Mr. Moseby can I take something that's working perfectly well and doing some convoluted thing til it breaks? (no one laughed)
    Carey: Ariwn, I don't think you're suppose to imitate yourself.
    Arwin: Oh, I thought I was doing Esteban...
    Mr.Moseby: No no no. Esteban is more like this (Roleplaying as Esteban) (With Esteban's accent) Oh Mr. MOSEBY! Ohh can I have the day off because my cheeken has cheeken pox and Ican't give him cheeken soup because he's a cheeken. And did I mention i have a cheeken!
    Esteban: (Roleplaying Mr. Moseby) Ohhh very wellllllllll! Good luck with that. Ohhhh keep carrying those bags Esteban like a pack-mule, while I sit in my office talking to my mommy!
    (everyone starts to argue)
    Mr. Moseby: (Roleplaying Esteban) This is a disaster!!
    (lights go out)
    Esteban: OH NO! THIS IS A DISASTER!!

  • Arwin: Uuh, Group hug. I love group hug, especially with other people

  • Zack: Sorry, but in my defense i didn't know it was a backpipe. I thought it was the new super octopus the one with eight arms on.
    Cody: In my defense: I'm not Zack

  • London: Moseby! Nervous Maddie just passed out again, cranky Maddie is not at the counter (see Maddie and gasp) hideous hair Maddie, you're back! (hug Maddie)
  • Mr. Butteaux (name pronounced like Boo-toe) (after bugs are captured) Okay...I've done a few yoga poses and I'm okay now. Back to team building!
    Mr. Moesby: I think not. Those bugs made us work together more than all your excercises!
    Mr. Butteaux: You know, in the three weeks since I've gotten my certificate, you are the worst team I've ever done. Yeah, that's right. You guys work about as well as 8 monkeys with 7 bananas!
    Mr. Moesby: Well, you haven't seen the "Tipton Toss"! Everybody... (holds up two fingers on each hand)...two fingers!
    (Mr. Butteaux runs out of the room, but "Team Tipton" catches up)
    London: Look! He landed on his Butteaux!

Orchestra [3.79]

  • Barbara: Hey, Cody!
    Cody: Hey, Barbara (as he salutes, the music stands fall down like dominoes)
  • Zack: (enters in the class) Is this band class?
    Cody: It's called orchestra!
    Zack: Looks more like a dork-estra.
  • London: Whatch'a doin'?
    Moseby: (in London's tone) Just'a workin'.
  • London: You get paid for that? Your life is sa-weet! Let me try!
    [She holds the door open for a woman and waves at her and then slams the door on a man behind her]
  • Sergei: Now , where do I sit...?
    Teacher: Anywhere you'd like.
    Sergei: Well, I usually sit in the front...right where that kid sits.
    Teacher: Billy, to the back!
    Billy: But mom...?
    Teacher: I said to the back!
  • London: (interupting Irene) Got it! This'll be a breeze.
    [The telephone rings] London: You want me to get that?
    Irene: It would help.
  • Carey: Oh...I see what's going on. I think I see the little green monster.
    Cody: I couldn't find a tissue, okay!
  • Cody: [tearfully] They'll probably name their kids Natasha and Sergei Jr!!!! PUBERTY STINKS!!!!
  • Zack: (after hearing the distorted rumor, he tells Cody) Sergei's in love with Barbara and they are going to move back to Russia and raise llamas.
    Cody: What!?
    Zack: I know. Llamas seems weird. There's more money is in alpacas.
    Cody: I can't believe it!
    Zack: No, it's true. Alpaca wool is valued for its versatility. I mean, it's used in blankets, sweaters, mittens—
    Cody: Put a sock in it!
  • Zack: (after listening to Cody playing a song on his French horn) Dude, what is that? You're bringing me down.
    Cody: (sad) Ode to joy.
  • Cody: Oh great! Now I've ruined my life by dumping Barbara. (whiney and high-pitched) I have nothing!
    Carey: You have a family that loves you.
    Cody: I mean something that I care about. (goes off, crying)
  • Cody: I can't help this any more! I have to get BarBARa back.
  • London: (sitting in Moseby's chair) Ok, so who do I yell at first?
    Moseby: My job isn't yelling at people.
    London: So you just do it for fun?
    Moseby: (yells) NO!
  • [Not realizing that London is sitting in Mr. Moseby's chair because it is turned to the back of them]
  • Grace: (muffled by mask) Mr. Moseby—(takes it off) Mr. Moseby, we've had it with London!
    Esteban: Oooh, she is a disaster! She is the worst worker I've ever seen.
    [London turns the chair to them]
    London: You were saying...?
  • [Norman zips his lips]
    London: (stands up) Well, I didn't know you all felt this way about me! Especially, you, Norman. Your words hurt most of all!
  • Moseby: I am so sorry that my new bellhop threw your luggage out the window. But on the bright side, it did make it to the limo before you did. Ha ha—Oh.
  • Cody: I'd do anything for you. That's why I learned yiddish. You're my latka.
    Barbara: I'm your potato pancake?

A Tale of Two Houses [3.80]

  • Hector: Esteban, I have great news. There has been a peaceful change of government in our country and your family's back in power!
    Esteban: You mean grandfather Geraldo Juan Carlos Diego Pepe Bombaro Lupe Abarto Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de Rosa Ramirez has taken the throne again?
    Hector: No. The other one.
    Esteban: Oh, you mean Fred?
    Moseby: *Annoyed vocal sigh* (Moseby rolls his eyes and shakes his head)
  • Kurt: Oh, and—I just got an apartment. It's a couple blocks away and it has two bedrooms.
    Zack: Then we can sleep over.
    Kurt: Sh'yeah. Oh, that is...if it's okay with your mom.
    Carey: (stimulated with relief) YES! YES! OH, A MILLION TIMES YES! THANK GOODNESS! (recovers) I mean... sure.
  • Moseby: London, the best thing for Esteban to do is keep that money in the back. Save it for a rainy day.
    Esteban: Ooh. That is a good point.
    London: But if it's a rainy day, he can just take his helicopter to some place dry.
    Esteban: Ooh. That is a good point, too.
  • London: Moseby, be a dear and take these to Esteban's room. Moseby, be a moose and take these to mine.
    London and Esteban: Yay us! *jump and clap*
  • Esteban: Moseby... (winks at London) I would like to tell you something about my

Moseby: You mean that it's still stuck in your teeth?
Esteban: Huh? No. (turns around and rubs his teeth) I just wanted to say was delicious.
[London hits him]
Esteban: Except the noodles romanov. I mean the noodles were fine, but the flavor kept roamin' off.
Moseby: I'll tell our chef, forthwith.
London: *gasp* What!? You fired Chef Paolo and hired someone named Forthwith?!
[London gasps and covers her mouth in a melodramatic manner, and Esteban copies her]
Moseby: No..."Forthwith" is "presently".
London: Well, I don't care if his name is "Presently" or "Forthwith"! Tell them both to fix it!
[London and Esteban thumbs-up each other]

  • Zack: (on phone) So, you got the adress, Abby?
    Abby: I guess so.
    Zack: I promise it's my condo.
    Abby: How did you get your own condo?
    Zack: Well, you know. I bought it a couple years ago...with the money I got from my hit record, "Rappin' Zack.
    Zack: Never heard of it.
    Zack: It was—it was really big in Japan.
    Abby: Japan?
    Zack: Yeah. Yeah. They call me Zacki-san.
  • In apartment
  • [Zack answers the door]
    Abby: Hey, Zacki-san!
    Zack: What are you talkin' abo- Ooh, the record.

Zack: (covers Barbara's eyes, thinking that he's talking to Abby) Want some company, baby?
Barbara (with her glasses off, thinking she's talking to Cody) *giggles* Sure.
[Comical moment of embracement]
Barbara: Oh, Cody
Zack: (simultaneously) Oh, Abby!
[Realizing their fatal flaws, they tear apart in embarassment]
Barbara: Zack!?
Zack: Barbara?

  • Moseby: They also took your yacht, your jet, your sportscar, your solid gold toilet that plays Moon River when you—use it.
  • Kurt: I'm going to make this quick because I am due to invade Nova Scotia in 5 minutes. Come here.
    [Zack and Cody follow him, but Mark hides behind the girls]
    Kurt: You! (angrily smiling through gritted teeth) Get over here. Sneaking girls in here without my permission is totally inappropriate.
    Zack: Well...Now that you're here, can we have your permission?
    Kurt: Oh, sure. Go on. Knock yourselves out—Are you KIDDING!? This party is over! You boys are so beyond grounded, I'm going to spend the entire second act thinking of punishments that a Viking would find cruel.
    Cody: Okay, but please, please. Please just don't tell Mom.
    Carey: (appears at the door) Tell Mom what?
    Cassandra: About how we're all here playing spin the bottle.
    Barbara: Let me guess you didn't meet her at a library!
  • Carey: ...and how you were going to call the girl's mothers—?
    Kurt: Only if they're single.
  • Kurt: Well thank you. I'm glad that you see I take my fatherly responsibilities very seriously. Ooh, I gotta run. I've got a village to pillage.

Tiptonline [3.81]

  • London: (Singing to tune of "London Bridge is Falling Down")London Tipton's really great, really great, really great! London Tipton's really great. And she deserves the opposite of hate. Which is love! Everyone, sing along!
  • Zack: Aaah! Close it, close it, it burns!
  • Zack: I pledge my wand to thee, Jango Darkblade!

Carrie: Now, now, lets grabeth reality and taketh it for a ride.

  • London: He's going to show us how to pick your nose!
  • London: Can I get a volunteer from the studio audience?

Cody: Um, London, we don't have a studio audience— London: Yes sir, come on up!

  • Zack: Now this one, this one just kinda dangles. But this one—KAPOW!
  • London: I understand you brought us a clip!
  • Chelsea: That's right! It's sparkly! Can I show everyone how ugly it is on that blond boy (Cody)?
  • Cody: Oh yeah? Cause I quit!
    London: What? You can't quit!
    Cody: Oh yeah? Then what do you call me leaving and never coming back?
    London: This is no time for trick questions!
  • Mr. Moesby: Multach? Multach, where'd you go? (Roaring from the laptop) Holy hobgoblins! Lizard Demons! (Pulls out a plastic sword and begins to swing) Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me!
  • London: (Whispering) You're supposed to say, "Here's....London!"

Chelsea: Oh, but you're not here. You're there.

  • Mr. Moesby: I really should quit...I haven't slept in a fortnight. Plus, I just said fortnight!
  • Zack: I think the security guard had a computer!
    Mr. Moesby: No! You musn't! (pause) Cause I got dibs! (Mr. Moesby races ahead)

Foiled Again [3.82]

  • Scene 1: Lobby: Moseby on phone

Mr. Moseby: (On phone) We would be delighted to host Scooter’s birthday party. (Cody walks over and starts doing something scientific) Yes we can provide a clown, play hide and seek. Oh well Scooter’s 104. Then we won’t make him seek. Yes, very well then, tomorrow. (Hangs up) (To Cody) This never has a good answer, but what are you doing?

Cody: Our science project, Zack and I have to find and identify microbes in our home environment!

Zack: (On couch reading magazine) That’s right, so let the boy do our work.

Mr. Moseby: (Walks to Zack) Maybe you (Takes magazine) should work on leaving. I have a very important guest coming.

Cody: Who is it? The president of the pocket hanky association?

Mr. Moseby: No. And it’s not an association, it’s a club.

Tony Hawk: Common’ threw! (Rides by on skateboard)

Zack: Whoa! Do you know who you are?

Tony Hawk: Tony Hawk?

Zack: Yes.

Tony Hawk: Good because that’s the name I made the reservation under. Give me some space.

Cody: Are you going to do another cool trick?

Tony Hawk: No, I gotta sneeze

Mr. Moseby: Here, use my Shnozzolla 2000

Cody: Awesome, we can use your snot for our invention.

Zack: No, no, no that would be a waste. This is celebrity snot. We can sell it on the internet.

Tony Hawk: Okay, but I’m not signing it.

  • Scene 2: Lobby: Maddie working, and London walks over with a fencing sword

London: Maddie, I have to talk to you!

Maddie: (scared) When I said a squirrel can beat you in a debate, I talking about one of those genius squirrels.

London: Oh yeah, I’ve heard of ‘em. Anyway, I’m not mad at you.

Maddie: Well then why are you waving a sword around?

London: Ooh! Daddy’s arranged for me to have private fencing class for P.E. credit. I don’t like poor girls sweating on me.

Maddie: Well this poor girl doesn’t want to bleed on you.

London: But, but, but

Maddie: Get that thing away from me!

London: But I need a fencing partner to stick.

Maddie: Okay, call me wacky, but I have no desire to be around you and sharp objects. (Diego, London's Fencing instructor, walks over)

Diego: Ready to start your lesson? (Maddie sees him and quickly grabs the sword smiling)

Maddie: Ungard!

  • Scene 3: Suite 2330: Zack and Cody working, Carey goes to them, carrying a cook book

Carey: Okay guys, your pick. Should I try a new recipe for liver, or order pizza?

All three: Pizza

Carey: I’ll order

Zack: You know, I was reading my textbook last night a-

Cody: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You were reading a textbook!

Carey: I’m so proud! (To guy on phone) No, no, not you. Although if you get the pizza here in less than 30 minutes, we’ll talk.

Zack: Did you know there are more germs on a telephone than a toilet seat?

Cody: (worried) I used the phone today! And a toilet!!

Zack: They’re getting’ you from both ends. (Cody’s more worried) Oh! And you don’t even want to know about your pillow case.

Cody: (scared) What! What about my pillow case!

Zack: It has a million little dust mites. (High voice) Party over here, party over there, let’s all eat Cody’s hair! (Creepy laughs)

Cody: I gotta go shampoo! (Runs out, and Zack laughs)

Carey: Stop torturing your brother.

Zack: Look who’s talkin’, you almost made liver.

Carey: Good point.+

Cody (in germ suite) : Mr. Moseby! I need to talk you privatly!

Oldest man of Boston : Why is that marshmallow talking?

Romancing the Phone [3.83]

  • Cody: I hope I'm not late for Barbara's karate competition.
    Zack: You know, what's it like to have a girlfriend that can kick your butt?
    Cody: She can't kick my butt.
    Zack: Please. She can kick it, flip it, and throw it across the room.
    Cody: You're right. I need to learn karate.
    Travis: [from behind the twins] I can teach you.
    (Zack and Cody part to reveal travis, then they laugh)
    Zack: Did you learn it with your little friends in kindergarten?
    Travis: No, really. My dad works on a cruise ship, and, while we were docked in Japan, I studied at the Konichiwa-san School of Martial Arts.
    Zack: Yeah right, like you could do-
    (Travis flips Zack out elevator)
    Cody: Hey, that's cool, could you show-
    (Travis flips Cody out of the elevator)
    Travis: I could've thrown you farther, but I didn't stretch.
  • Maddie: London, for the last time, a 1000 dollar bar does not cost $1000.
    London: Then Nia owes me a lot of change.
  • Dakota: Isn't it fascinating?
    Zack: Oh, yeah. I love flowers. How'd you like to kiss these two-lips?
  • Zack: I've gotta find a way to impress Dakota.
    Cody: Don't show her your report card.
    Travis: Ha ha ha ha ha...(seriously) That's not funny.
  • Zack: (after seeing Cody practice Karate on a pillow) Oooh, impressive... You can beat up a pillow.
  • Moseby: Madeline... you must put the phone in the lost and found.
    'Maddie: No! It would break my heart if it rang and someone else answered it.
    [The cell phone rings]
    London: I'll get it! Hello. Uh huh... ? Uh huh... ? Okey Dokey. Bye David. (turns around, facing Maddie, and holds up the phone) That was David!
  • Moseby: Whoa. Can you spell desperate?
    London: How many chances do I get?
  • Maddie: We are meant to be together. We both love Vivaldi and Van Gough and the rain forest and... (gasp/whines) We're not meant to be together...
    Carey: No. That's not necessarily true. All I meant was...
    Maddie: I know what you meant. When am I going to learn that life is not a fairy tale...? —that there are no storybook endings? I'm gonna wind up bitter and all alone just like you. (cries)
  • Zack: Hurry up! Dakota's gonna be here any minute!
    Travis: Sorry. I got a late start—had to help your brother.
    Zack: Ah, forget him. He's a loser.
    Travis: Funny... he said the same thing about you...
  • Maddie: I'm Maddie. I can tell by your phone you have a lot of class.
    Moseby: Te he. Class of 22!
  • Barbara:(about cody's statement)What a sexsits attitude!
  • Cody: ...As you know the water jar represents...
    [Travis makes gestures toward the ceiling]
    Cody: ... the sun! And the bowl represents... um...
    [Travis pretends to pull down his pants, turns around, and bends over]
    Cody: ... the butt?
  • Maddie: I can't believe how much we have in common.
    David: I know. You like 300 year-old music; I'm 300 years old.
    Maddie: I like Van Gough.
    David: I knew Van Gough.

Benchwarmers [3.84]

(Cheer) e=mc squared, when your squard cheers no one cares. Elements,compond,asid,base. When the geek squad cheers we are up in your face. Yea break it down.

Doin' Time in Suite 2330 [3.85]

Scene One: Hotel Room

Carey: (Angrily) I am so steamed right now that if I were a mirror, you couldn't see yourself! Zack, what were you thinking?

Zack: Uh, well, you see... -

Carey: I don't wanna hear it! Cody, what was going through your mind?

Cody: It's just-

Carey: Zip it, Mister!

Zack: We didn't mean to ruin the wedding, and it's just, we saw that they had those mini hot dogs we love, and I'm weak! I need help!

Cody: And three pounds of mustard. The halapino deu'gon was delicious!

Zack: Really? I thought it was too spicy.

Cody: Why are you afraid of flavour?

Zack: I'm not afraid of flavour-

Carey: (Yelling) GUYS! I don't care about the dang dipping sauce, I care that you crashed a wedding!

Cody: It's not like anyone got hurt...

Moseby: I beg to differ. (Walks in covered in cake) I don't know what hurt more; this little bride who jabbed me in the kidneys (holds bride decoration from top of the cake) or the real one who kicked me in the shin.

Carey: I hope you had fun. Cos your life is gunna be fun-free for the rest of the week. You're grounded.

Moseby: Might I suggest 20 years on an island with giant boyding birds?

Carey: You might! Odd... but might! Boys, go to your room.

(Zack and Cody sigh)

Zack and Cody: Yes, Ma'am.

Carey: Mr Moseby, sit down, I'll clean you up.

(Moseby sits on a chair)

Moseby: Ow. Here comes the groom! (Brings out groom decoration from his backside)

Scene Two: Hotel Room

Carey: (Shouting into boys bedroom) Prisoner 001 and 002, I'm leaving! Are you guys playing video games in there?

Zack and Cody: (Guiltily) No...

Carey: Okay, well, I'm going now! (Fakes footsteps) Bye! (Getting quieter) Love you!

Zack and Cody: Okay!

Carey: (Quickly turns doorknob and runs in) A-ha! Put those games down and get out here. Okay, apparantley, your room is too much fun. From now on, you're grounded in the living room.

Zack: K! (Laughs and turns on TV, the twins sit down)

Carey: And no TV. (Snatches remote from Zack and turns it off)

Zack: Ah man!

Cody: Zack, we don't need television. We have other things to entertain ourselves.

Carey: And no baking.

Cody: Ah man!

Zack: You heard Mom. Why don't we just sit here, (Pats his pocket) and think about what we have done! (Video game sounds come from Zack's pocket, he hands it to Carey)

Carey: Next time you try to limbo underneath the wedding cake, maybe you'll think twice. (Opens front door to leave)

London: (Walks in) Cody! Come on! We have to get ready for the next episode of our web show that is sweeping the nation! Yeeeeey Me! Starriiiiiing... London Tiptooon! (Hitting Carey in the face)

Carey: They can't go. They're being punished.

London: But I need Cody to produce, Yeeey Me! Starring-

Carey: Stop that!

London: So, Cody, you're officially un-punished.

Carey: London, you can't do that. He's my son.

London: Ohhhhh, I get it. (Pulls out a dollar) How much do you want for him?

Zack: Oo, oo, oo! Buy me too! (Raises arm)

London: Okie dokie! I'll take 'em both. But I want a better deal on the second one.

Carey: That's ridiculous London. (Pushing her out the door)

(Zack belches loudly)

Carey: We talking cash? No. No!! I'm not selling my son.

London: I'll buy, I'll buy! I'll-

(Carey slams the door in London's face)

Cody: Mom, I have to be there to produce London's show. She's going for an upforth internet award. A Golden 'Nettie'.

Carey: What is it? A statue of a guy in a shirt and his underwear in front of a computer?

Cody: Maybe. Anyway, I've got a great idea to win it. I noticed that the Cheetah Girls were checking in in front of the bridesmaid in the lobby.

Zack: Ha-ha-how did I miss the Cheetah Girls?

Cody: You were being tackled by the flower girl.

Zack: You know, for a 7 year old, she was tough. She had a mean left hook!

Cody: Anyway, to be named 'Producer of the Year', I have to produce, see the connection?

Carey: Why don't you connect your butts to those chairs? I'm going out now. And I have informed the hotel staff to be on the lookout. (Zack and Cody sit down) So if either of you leave this room, I will know. (Motions with fingers then points to the boys, then back to her eyes. She walks out the door)

Zack: We so need to get her a hobby.

Scene Three: London's Suite

Maddie: (Walks in as London opens the door) It's spelt M-A-D-D-I-E, although for legal purposes, it really should be Madeline. M-A-D-E-

London: Stop. I didn't really put you in my will.

Maddie: But on the phone you said-

London: I lied. Look, I just needed a way to get you up here.

Maddie: What's wrong with "Maddie, can you come up here?"

London: Ohhhh, yeah. Sorry. Anyway, I'm putting you in charge of my show. Yey Me! Starring London Tipton!

Maddie: I thought Cody was your producer?

London: He got grounded by his producer. So, would you produce Yey Me! Starring London-

Maddie: Stop that!

London: You know, if you produce a great segment, you could win a Golden Nettie.

Maddie: Ooo, that would look good on my college applications...

London: You know what's gunna look good on my college application? A cheque for the new library!

Maddie Okay, to win that award, we're gunna need someone famous. Someone huge. Someone no-one has ever gotten before.

London: (Gasps) I know! Bigfoot!

Maddie: London, Bigfoot is a ledgend.

London: That's why he'd make such a great guest!

Maddie: No, no, I mean he's a mythical creature. A figure of the imagination. A biological impossibility.

London: He can just borrow my huge pair of Italian lofers! He'll do it.

Scene Four: Hotel Room

Cody: (Staring at Zack) What are you doing?

Zack: You can make your toes look like little tiny people! This one's named Pinkie, and this one's name is Mr Zuliman.

Cody: Yeah, well maybe Mr Zuliman can find a way for me to get the Cheetah Girls without leaving the suite. Which is a grounding violation.

Zack: You sicken me. And Mr Z. (Wiggles big toe) Can't leave the suite. What a joke! Ooh, I wonder what will happen if I do this! (Walks out into hallway) Ah oh! Nothing happened! I'm in, I'm out! I'm in, I'm out! (Jumping in and out of suite) And now my right arm's in, and now my right arm's out! (Sticks right arm in an out)

Cody: If you're the Hokey Cokey, I'm gunna slap you all about.

Zack: Come on Cody, take a risk! One that doesn't involve a bit of fabric softener! (Mimicks Cody)

Cody: Good point. (The twins leave the suite)

Scene Five: The Hallway

Maddie: (To maid) So I heard Chris Brown was staying on this floor. If you tell me what room he's in, I'll give you twenty bucks! (Waves 20 dollars)

Chris Brown: (Walks out from suite) May I excuse you? (Takes Maddie's 20 dollars) Thanks. Um, can I have some soap? (To maid)

Maid: Here you go! (Hands him a bar of soap)

Chris Brown: Thanks.

Maddie: You're, you're, you're-

Chris Brown: Feelin' a draft. I'm goin' inside. (Walks back into room)

Maddie: Oo, oo, wait, wait! (Grabs his robe arm) I'm producing a web show called Yey Me Starring London Tipton. We'd be honored to have you as a guest!

Chris Brown: Yey Me! I love that show! Starrin' London Tipton! Don't tell anybody I did that.

Maddie: I won't!

Chris Brown: I appreciate that. (Does a cool shake with Maddie and walks back into room)

Maddie: (Laughing uncontrollably) (Does a victory dance down hallway)

(Zack and Cody walk in and Maddie disappears)

Zack: That was odd.

Cody: I have to get to the Cheetah Girls' suite before we get spotted.

Zack: Oh relax, there's no-one here who's gunna rat us out to Mom.

Moseby: Right this way...

Cody: Except the big rat himself! (Zack and Cody hide behind maid's cart)

Moseby: Now if you'll just follow me! Ladies, I must thank you so much for signing those autographs for my niece.

Sabrina: Oh, no problem, Marion. And tell Nia we said hi.

Moseby: I will. And I must say it is such an honor having the Cheetah Girls here at the Tipton. (Imitates a roar) That was just me being a Cheetah Guy!

Cheetah Girls: Ohh!

Moseby: Maybe we could do the dance? (Starts dancing) Uh, I'll just open the door then. There you are.

Adrienne: Thankyou, Mr Moseby.

Kiely: I liked your Cheetah roar. (They all walk into the room, closing the door)

(Moseby does a crazy victory cheer out of the hallway)

(Zack and Cody come up from behind the cart)

Cody: Now that was odd.

Zack: No, that was down-right scary.

Cody: This is great. All I have to do is get them on London's show, and then that Golden Nettie is mine! (Knocks on the door)

Adrienne: Who's there?

Cody: (Funny accent) Rooooom service!

Adrienne: (She answers the door) Yo, who ordered two bar boys? (Crosses arms and smiles at twins)

Kiely: Hmm, I thought I ordered nachos?

Zack: Well, feel free to cover me in cheese sauce!

Sabrina: Oh, well they do look good enough to eat!

Cody: Hi. I'm Cody Martin, executive producer of Yey Me Starring London Tipton.

Kiely: Oh, I love that show!

Sabrina: You're that goofy kid London makes do stuff!


Zack: I'm his brother!

Cody: Anyway, how would you ladies feel about making a guest appearance on the show?

Sabrina: Sounds good to me!

Cody: Great! Show up at the Penthouse suite tomorrow at 3 o clock.

Adrienne: We'll be there, tiny dancer! (Blows a kiss) Bye!

(The girls walk back into room)

Cody: That Golden Nettie is in the bag! (London walks in) London! I have great news about the show.

London: Me too! Maddie's taking your place till you get out of the joint. She got Chris Brown to be a guest!

Cody: She did?

London: Yep! She's a much better producer than you. (Skips away)

Cody: (Shouting) No she's not! I got-

Zack: Fired. You can kiss that Golden Nettie goodbye.

Cody: But what about the Cheetah Girls?

Zack: Well if London doesn't want 'em, I'll take 'em! (Walks away)

Scene Six: London's Suite

Maddie: London! Have you seen Chris Brown? I can't find him anywhere.

London: He's in the Green Room. You know, where all the guests wait before the show?

Maddie: I know what it is! I just didn't know we had one, where is it?

London: (Skips to a door and opens it, revealing...)

Let Us Entertain You [3.86]